Don't Own Them. Don't Sue.
J/L Centered Sequel to The Secret Properties of Light.
Caution- Contains Adult Situations.
A/N- Fooling around with first person perspectives. Should be pretty self evident, but the p.o.v. switches back and forth between J/L. As Always- R/R Please. At this point I'm thinking it'll probably be a stand alone since I'm hesitant to introduce original characters (who actually appear in the fict that is).
My name is Jesse Kilmartin.
I'm in love with a woman who, 9 times out of 10, I would tell you I think is in love with me. Most of the time I wouldn't be lying to you. I believe, for the most part, that she loves me.
Lexa cares about me more deeply than she wants to. Shal says its more deeply than Lexa knows. I know that it isn't the same- Lexa caring for me and my loving her. But I also know that she can care about me only because I love her.
Does this make any sense to you?
If you say no, I'll understand. When you write it all down… It's hard to put it into words.
But if you say yes, you've probably been in love. You know.
One minute you were a self confident, self reliant person.
And the next… you were in love.
In love with someone who didn't know how to love you back the way you loved them.
* * * *
It's 4:30 in the afternoon and the sun is quickly dropping out of the sky. The light streaming into the hanger is beautiful. The four of us are watching its' travels and eating smores. Sometimes it's nice having Brennan around in a pinch.
Lexa and I have been together now for about a month and things are starting to settle down into something a little more sweet and comfortable and a little less… bipolar. I catch Lexa watching me and smile at her. Somehow I'm not surprised when she rolls her eyes at me, crawls over and wipes marshmallow off of my cheek. I catch her hand and kiss it quickly. "Thanks."
Lexa's eyes melt a little and she starts to blush ever so slightly. I've made every effort over the last month to engage her in public displays of affection. Ironically the woman who makes no apologies for straight up sex has been shy about tenderness. She sits back slowly and puts together another smore, handing it to Brennan.
Brennan takes one look at it and hands it back to her while Shalimar snickers. The marshmallow is already toasted and the chocolate melting. Startled Lexa blushes in earnest now. I make a show of stretching, blow on my fingers and shake them out slowly. "That's right, I got skills. I can make my woman melt… things."
Lexa stops in the middle of taking a careful bite out of the smore; I can see her debating between smacking me and kissing me. In the end she does neither, instead she gets into my lap, leans back and watches the sun set. It is winter so the days are short and the nights long. The air is getting chilly, but surrounded by my friends, I'm warm.
Shalimar smiles at me and sighs, stealing a quick look at Brennan. It amazes me that Lexa and I are on solider ground then they are. Lexa snuggles against me and I wrap my arms around her and ask what she wants to do tonight. She shrugs and says something about reading the paper.
Brennan raises an eye brow and teasingly asks, "Is THAT what they're calling it these days?"
Lexa throws a few fireworks at him to shut him up. "No, that isn't what they're calling sex these days. I hadn't realized it had been so long that you'd forgotten what it's called Brennan." Standing Lexa yawns. "I'm going to head in. I'm feeling a little tired, I think I might take a nap."
"You feel like company?" I ask, bracing myself for rejection.
Lexa smiles and gives a half shrug. "Wouldn't mind it." She waits for me in the doorway, her hand extended toward me.
I take her hand and we walk slowly back to my room. For some reason naps are in my room and nights tend to be in hers. When we get there I kiss her tenderly, scratching her back ever so softly. Lexa rubs my neck for a moment and then steps away. Her back toward me she kicks off her shoes and somehow manages to get her bra off while her shirt is still on. She crawls under the covers and gets on her side of the bed.
I'm a little disappointed that the majority of her clothes are still on, but after pulling my own shirt off, I crawl in next to her and start rubbing her back. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, I'm unable to tell what she's thinking- her eyes are closed. She gives no other indications- she doesn't move, doesn't speak, doesn't change the speed of the slow and deliberate breathes she takes.
I'm beginning to understand why Snow White's step-mother relied so heavily on that "magic" mirror hanging on the wall. Somehow over the last few weeks mirrors have begun to play a central role in our relationship. When we're lying in bed and cuddling Lexa and I will talk thru our reflections. I tried to explain it once using just those words to Shalimar, but I don't think she understood. It's sort of hard to explain it to someone else when you don't understand yourself what it is that's happening.
When the door to our rooms are closed, part of Lexa's wall comes down. When we're lying in bed, it crumbles further. When I hold her, it's like she's leaning on me instead of that wall. And when our eyes meet in the mirror, it's almost as if there's nothing between us. Those mirrors are the lens thru which I'm able to see into her. I'm grateful for them, though I try not to think about the fact that she can't roll over so that we're face to face and talk to me directly. They've taken on the role Shal played in the kitchen the day I thought Lexa had left the team.
That was the day she took all the flowers I'd given her to the teen maternity ward at County. She's never again talked about why she did it. Twice when we were in town running errands, she slipped away. When I called her on the com link she just said she'd meet me back at the grocery store in a few minutes. The first time it happened I waited outside and saw her leave the hospital. I'm not positive that she went to County the second time, but she did come from the same direction.
She hasn't taken me with her back to Scotland either. I think she went this morning- which explains why she needs a nap now. Those trips take a lot out of her physically and emotionally. "How was it?" I ask, referring to Springfield.
She sighs and opens her eyes and once again our gazes meet in the mirror. "Jess…" Her voice has THE tone to it. The 'I don't want to talk about this right now' tone.
"What?" I play dumb, hoping that at the very least she'll get irritated and we can fight about it. Her husband may have been Scottish, but Lexa has an Irish temper. At least when she's angry she talks. Not knowing what she's keeping from me is killing me.
"You promised…" She bites her lip and lets it roll out slowly, trying to hide its' slight tremor.
"I thought all bets from before were off." My voice is equal parts soothing and inquiry, with a hint of accusation. "You already told me about Jaime."
Lexa's face darkens and she sits up. Her arms fold under her breasts. Even thought I know she's angry, knowing that her breasts are loose under the thin material of her shirt changes the distribution of blood thru my body, giving me a lower center of gravity. I stroke her back, trying to tease her into opening up to me. (Psychologically, of course…) She looks at me for a moment and then leans forward, propping her elbows on her knees. Rubbing her brow with her left hand, her hair falls over her face. She's hiding from me even now. The wall may be down, but right now she's somewhere far away. A small part of me marvels at her ability- her need to do this. She's always so strong…
I sit up, concerned. She needs me, I know, but not in the way that Brennan had teased her about earlier. Sexual intimacy comes much more easily to her than emotional intimacy does, so when she shows even a little vulnerability to me, I'm thrilled. Ironically, I feel closer to her now than I do when I'm deep inside her. When we're having sex, she wants me to be with her. Now, she needs me- whether she wants it or not. I know it scares her, and I'm glad, because it means that what we have is real.
I'm torn. I don't know whether to push her to open up to me, or to trust her to open up to me in time. I sit, watching her, rubbing her back once again. I begin to feel guilty when I realize that when I said those things about Jaime, it wasn't about getting her to open up to me, it was about getting her to open up FOR me. Now it's my turn to feel weak.
"I'm sorry Lex, I shouldn't have said that." I kiss the back of her neck, and move up next to her. I take her hand in mine and watch as our fingers slowly twine together and then pull apart, repeatedly. "I know I push you sometimes-"
She pushes the hair out of her face and snorts. It's amazing- even when she's doing something which is anything but delicate, she exudes femininity. Her fingers pull away from mine and she examines her short, perfectly manicured nails.
I give a small shrug indicating I know it's an understatement. "Okay, maybe I push more than sometimes, but I just… I want to understand you. I want to know more about you."
She scoots back, pulling back from me once again. She leans back against the headboard and looks at me, her eyes almost pleading. "I'm trying Jesse."
Christ, she's killing me. I didn't expect... this. "I know, I know." I want to apologize, but the words stick. I can't force them up, out- my throat is too tight. I'm frozen. I want to move, to take her in my arms. I can't.
She bites her lip again. I watch her struggle to find something… words, strength… I don't know. My chest- I did this to her. I did this to her on purpose. She trusts me and I… "God- I can't- I shouldn't push you- I- don't cry. Please." My breathing is ragged. "I shouldn't have- I'll stop. I didn't mean to do this to you. I'm an asshole, Lexa, please. Please don't cry." I'm begging now, the words tumbling out. I can't stop them- I can't stop myself.
I pull her into my arms and I feel my own eyes well up. I don't want to loose her. I don't want to hurt her. I hear myself tell her this. I feel her shaking in my arms- her silent sobs. Always silent. My heart is racing. I'm not the man she loves, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She gave him everything- willingly. I hear myself tell her- I can't stop telling her- "I know I'm not Jaime- I'll give you anything- please Lexa. Please- I won't ask anymore. I was jealous- I was wrong. Please. I love you. I won't- I won't ask. I won't." My voice cracks. "I love you. It makes me crazy I love you so much. I was stupid, and selfish and I'm sorry."
I feel her start to turn- and my panic doubles, triples, blinds me. I grip her arms- desperate. My eyes are shut tight. I can't look at her. I can't see- she doesn't love me. I am cold, frozen. I'm not enough for her. I'm not the one she wants. I can't give her what she needs. I love her and it's not enough.
Her kisses on my face don't register at first. She kisses my tears away, soothing away my panic. She's murmuring my name softly over and over. She gently pulls her arms away and begins to stroke my shoulders and arms. She's kneeling in front of me now, her hands rubbing my neck as she kisses my lips. "Shh, Jesse, shh." Her kisses aren't passionate, they are compassionate. "Calm down, calm down."
I kiss her, needing to touch her. I put my arms around her, feeling how warm she is. I need her heat, her light, to warm me. She is whispering my name over and over again. Each time she does my heart beats again. My heart is hers. Her mouth opens against mine, and tentatively I open my own. My tongue flirts with hers tentatively, and retreats. I won't push. I can't push her- not again.
Her tongue slips in, rubbing my own, tickling the roof of my mouth. I feel my body flush and I am filled with need. I want to show her how much I love her- but I am still weak. She strokes my neck and sits in my lap, straddling me. She pushes me down, her tongue soothing mine. Encouraging me. She rubs her torso against mine, still murmuring my name.
* * * * * *
"Tell me again." I whisper to him, kissing him. "Tell me Jess." My touches coax him. I take his hands and put them under my shirt, on my breasts. I fumble with my belt as he steals my breath away with the magic of his hands. Somehow we are both still gentle and sweet. His desperation has faded; we've replaced it with a different kind of need.
His hands… I can't get enough of his hands. I pull my shirt off to give him better access. He phases out of his pants. A thrill runs thru me when I realize he was going commando. I kick away his jeans and shimmy out of my own. He rolls me onto my side and kisses me until I am whimpering. I melt.
For some reason we don't make love, not in the traditional way. He uses his hands to make me cum twice before he reached his climax. His touch is so gentle- almost reverent. I tried to comfort him, to show him that I love him. I wouldn't say the words- I never do, but let my hands, my lips, my whimpers, moans, and begs paint the picture for him.
He never took my panties off, and for some reason, I didn't either. Of course he touched me, but this time, it was different. We were… innocent. It was intimate and passionate, but not about the physical. He needed something from me that I couldn't give- just as I did from him. I'd thought that our physical relationship had made up for the weaknesses in our emotional one, but it was clear that it hadn't. Somehow I knew that a quick fuck, or even a leisurely love making session wouldn't give him what he needed.
We've both tried over the last month to give the other what they needed. When it didn't work we'd try to take it. Its not like we raped each other- it's not like that. There was always a give and take, a push and pull dynamic between us.
This was different. We didn't give, we didn't take, we shared. It was beautiful. He made me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, loved. Safe. And I… I kept begging him to tell me over and over that he loved me. I never let him say it, but today… I wanted him to know that I needed him to love me. And when… the second time that I came it was… it was like that first night. With the heat, and the light and I… told him. I told him I loved him. I was so loud- I couldn't help it. As he pushed me further and further into the haze… it was like a montra.
I don't know how many times I said it but I remember that he wouldn't kiss me because he didn't want me to stop saying it. His voice… he scarred my heart with the heat of it. "Don't stop Lexa, don't ever stop." He didn't say what I wasn't supposed to stop- but his eyes- I exploded- and so did he.
I fell asleep in his arms, sticky and satisfied. When we woke up, I wasn't sure how much time had passed. It was quiet; Jesse was awake, watching me. I could tell he was waiting to see what my reaction would be. To see if I pulled away from him. I wanted to- I wanted to so badly. As safe as I felt in his arm, part of me still felt exposed. Its safer, that part whispers, to be alone, where no one can hurt you. But he needed me not to. And I needed him to need that from me. So I kissed him, and we made love again, slowly- in the more traditional manner.
He fell asleep after we finished. There was no burst of light this time, no tidal wave of heat, no declarations of love. We made love without exchanging a word. He smiled when I whimpered. I smiled when he moaned, but we didn't say the words.
It was the first time I spent the night in his room. It was also the first time we didn't use condoms. It was always so automatic to use them that I didn't even think about it. I lay awake haunted by our carelessness. Yes, I'm on the pill, but still. Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I kept remembering how he'd cum that first time all over my thighs, wondering if his jizz had soaked thru my panties. My grandfather's words haunted me.
It was worse that we didn't use protection later. It was more reckless- stupid. The first time had been… but this time. What was I trying to prove? Why hadn't I stopped him? I should have reached for the rubber myself. I should have put it on him just as I always had. I kept thinking back to the moment he came inside of me. I'd pulled him in, wanted him deeper. My fingers had dug into his ass, desperate. I'd cum seconds later.
I shivered, thinking about that random stat I'd heard once or twice. Women who had an orgasm during intercourse were more likely to get pregnant than those who didn't.
I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep, but it felt like hours. It wasn't that I didn't want to fall asleep, it was that I didn't want to wake up and face Jesse. He'd need me to be the woman I used to be. The woman I'd been for Jaime.
I knew he was jealous of Jaime. It hadn't surprised me when he'd freaked out. Maybe that's why I… I should have told him that there was nothing to worry about, but I couldn't. We'd both have known that it was a lie. I came alive the day that I met James Copeland, and I'll die loving him. Shit, part of me had died with him. But Jaime was dead, and Jesse was here. I hadn't been able to protect Jaime. I hadn't been able to protect Leo. Part of Blaine's appeal had been that he didn't need protecting. Logically speaking, I shouldn't worry about protecting Jesse either, but I do. In many ways Jesse is just as innocent as the two men I had already lost.
I must have fallen asleep because my dreams were filled with my regrets and fears. Jesse woke me in the morning, shaking me gently, calling my name. My heart was racing. The sound of both of our voices woke me- both were worried. My dreams fled quickly, leaving me with a hollowness. I took a few deep breathes, holding Jesse's arm while I tried to steady myself.
"Hi." I said softly, apologetically. My shyness embarrassed me. I wanted to be cold, to let the cold give me strength, but I knew that would hurt Jesse. Without the cold, I was naked.
Jesse stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. "Hi. You were having a nightmare."
I nod. I smile tenuously, enjoying the comfort his now ritualistic touches brought with them. I'm not one for organized religion, but the Catholics are on to something. All Jesse has to do is stroke my hair, rub my back, kiss my fingers, and I feel loved. Forgiven. New.
I know he wants to ask what I was dreaming about, but he doesn't. It surprises us both when I ask him if he'd like to go for a walk. My grandfather may have accepted our relationship, but there were still things that I wouldn't share with the Dominion. It was on a walk that I had first opened up to Jesse.
He smiled and nodded, getting dressed. I wrapped myself in his sheet and picked up my clothes. As I stood in the doorway, he looked at his closet, his eyes asking if he should wear the vest I had given him. I nodded, and his smile turned dazzling. I couldn't help but smile back. Nerd wonder loved it when I talked to him. He knew I'd be spilling some deep dark secret if I wanted to get out of the house AND have him wear the vest that would block our com links.
When I met him in the kitchen, he handed me a commuter mug of coffee and zipped up my vest for me. It's funny how we both feel the need to take care of each other. I could see Shalimar grinning as Kilmartin put a beanie on my head. I felt like a burglar, but hey, he's a worry wart. I'd never admit it to him, but it's nice having someone look out for me for a change.
We walked until we were out of range of prying ears. "I'd take you, but I still feel like shit." Like he had the day before, I was referring to Springfield. Those trips took a lot out of me physically and emotionally.
"Wear you out, did I?" Jesse wiggled his eyebrows. He tried to be funny but I could see the concern in his eyes- both for me and for himself. It stung knowing that we were so good at hurting each other.
I hit him softly in the arm and rolled my eyes.
Jesse stilled as he looked at my arm. His voice was hoarse when he spoke, "Oh god- Lexa, I'm so sorry."
I didn't know what he was talking about until I looked at my arm. He'd bruised me yesterday. I hadn't realized it then, but he'd left five distinct bruises on each arm.
He reached out to touch them, but dropped his fingers at the last moment. "I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking- I'll go get counseling. I shouldn't have lost it like that." He looked worse then I'd ever seen him.
"Jesse, calm down all right? It was an accident. Believe me; if you even tried to hit me, I'd fry your ass before you could even think about going stone cold on me." I covered my arms self consciously. "It doesn't even hurt."
Before he could say anything else, I kissed him hard and changed the subject. "We need to be more careful." We came to a small pond and I sat on a boulder near the shore and gestured that he do the same.
He nods, and takes a seat, but he doesn't understand what I'm talking about. "I'll try Lexa, I promise. I swear it was an accident. You know I'd never physically hurt you. I almost killed Brennan when he-"
"No, no, Jesse, I meant when we're having sex."
"So did I," he said slowly, his continued confusion evident.
"This happened during your anxiety attack, not after. I meant we need to be more careful about protection. We didn't use condoms yesterday."
"Wait, I almost break your arms and you're worried because we didn't use condoms? Aren't you on the pill?" Trust Jesse to try to make the logical illogical and vice versa.
"Listen Mr. Science, you of all people should realize that the Pill isn't 100% effective."
"Well neither are condoms. We don't even know if my guys could be stopped by a measly slip of latex."
I roll my eyes again. His arrogance is astounding at times. "Just how many girls have you gotten pregnant while using condoms?"
He shrugs. "None that I know of."
"Well I've gotten pregnant while I was on the pill, so don't give me the 'we don't need condoms' speech." I stared out at the water, not wanting to look at him. I was afraid that he'd be mad. Or worse, disappointed.
He didn't speak, but I could feel his eyes on me. It was more than I could stand. "Say something Jesse," I pleaded.
"What do you want me to say?" I couldn't read his voice, but I couldn't look at him either.
"Something, anything- I don't know." I look at him, unable to stop myself.
He's… calm. "I knew." His hands are crossed over his chest and he's watching me… calmly.
I explode off the rock and start toward him. "What do you mean you knew? If you knew then why didn't you say anything?!"
"What- you mean right now or before?"
I want to kill him. How can he be so fucking calm? I just told him something I haven't said out loud in almost 4 years. "Now, before- I don't know. I can't think." I start to pace, knowing that giving into my impulse to shoot him would be premature.
He speaks slowly in that infuriatingly calm and reasoned voice. "I didn't say anything before because I wasn't sure, not really. I didn't say anything just now because… I didn't know what to say. Obviously 'congratulations' wasn't exactly appropriate, but neither was 'gee I hope you're not pregnant now since obviously the thought of having my baby repulses you.' So I didn't say anything."
I stare blankly at him. "It doesn't repulse me, it scares the shit out of me. Do you have any idea what it's like, having a baby? It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. And I've done a lot of things I'd like never like to think about again." I pause to compose myself. "How did you know?"
He raises his hands and does that 'go figure/who knew' shrug. "It just made sense. When Brennan- when you were hurt, you told me, I mean Jaime, that JJ looked just like him. And you were so adamant about not wanting the Dominion to examine your past too closely, even at the expense of your own happiness just to protect someone or something. Then there was the maternity ward thing… It just added up."
He motions for me to come to him, and for some stupid reason, I do. I let him pull me into his lap and wrap his arms around me. I let him kiss my temple and rub my back. I know he's waiting for me to explain, to tell him…
"When it happened, when they found us I mean, JJ was three weeks old. Anna had convinced Jaime and I to spend a weekend together, just the two of us. We left JJ with Anna and… he was the reason we got married. I was nearly four months pregnant before I realized... I mean, I thought the stress of that whole 'speed of light' thing had tapped me and somehow made me tired, irritable, restless." I laugh softly. "When Jaime first asked me, I was only maybe two weeks late. I remember getting beat red and trying to explain to him that because I was… different… I still had, I think I called them 'growth spurts' and that sometimes it took a while for my body to adapt, pill or no pill."
Jesse laughs softly with me and gives me a gentle squeeze. I swallow, and continue. "When my period didn't come, I thought that my body fat had just dropped too low. I was so skinny then- maybe 15 pounds lighter than I am now. I told Jaime that my sudden fondness for ice cream was my cheap alternative to breast implants."
I look up at Jesse when he coughs in an obvious attempt to interrupt me. "Lexa, you know I love you, but baby, please- too much information."
I roll my eyes and continue. "When Jaime finally got me to take a pregnancy test, he was so damn careful. Jaime threw this huge party at his summer house in Bath and we flew in from Italy for the weekend. His sister was living there at the time, and she was on this super strong acne medicine. I guess you're not supposed to use the stuff if you're pregnant so she had all these pregnancy tests just lying around… By now Jaime was so paranoid about my grandfather that he didn't even broach the subject of my taking the test until we were in Anna's bathroom. He just handed me the stick and told me to do it, if only to put his mind to rest. When it turned up positive I took three more over two days because I just couldn't comprehend…
"We waited as long as we could and went thru all the motions. I kept refilling my prescription for the pill, Jaime made 'emergency' runs to the store for tampons, things like that. We eloped when I began to show and just took off. We didn't tell a soul where we were going, not even Anna. When I went into labor two months early, we were in Greece. Jaime freaked out and called his sister, she flew down right away and met us at the hospital."
"I hadn't planned on giving him up but he was so small. He need doctors, medicine, stability. We couldn't… if he hadn't been premature we would have been a family." I started to rock back and forth, tears streaming out of my eyes.
"Anna took JJ home and Jaime and I went on that trip and… then when Jaime… I took Jaime home too. Once Jaime knew JJ would be okay, he started to let go. One day I had these two amazing men in my life and then… I was alone."
* * * * * * * *
I feel her shiver in my arms and I give her a squeeze. "I love you Alexa," I whisper reassuringly. "You don't have to tell me any more if it's too hard."
Lexa looks up at me and gives me a wry smile and strokes my cheek. "I know." She kisses me gently. "I want to tell you."
I can't hide the huge grin that spreads across my face. What can I say, I'm a fool for her. "What's his name? JJ's?"
"James Asher Copeland, Jr. JJ."
I nod and cock my head to the side. "Does he know about you?"
Lexa stares out at the water and nods. "He knows he's adopted. He knows that Jaime and I love him. He loved us too- for the first 15 months of his life we all lived in the same house. But three of us, Anna, Jamie and I made the decision even before Jaime got hurt, we'd decided that to the world JJ should be Anna's. He was only a little over three pounds when he was born; we wanted the best treatment possible for him. I couldn't offer him that, despite all of Jaime's money."
"Why not?"
"My grandfather," Lexa spat. "We were worried that he'd come after not only me, but now JJ. We weren't sure if it would be safe to stay in one place for too long, and as fragile as he was, we couldn't take him with us. It wouldn't solve anything if I took off by myself and left Jamie and JJ together. If the Beard had found them together, even without me, it wouldn't have taken much to put the pieces together." She runs her fingers over her eyelids and smiles. "He has my eyes, my hair, my smile."
"He's beautiful then?" I kiss her forehead.
Lexa smiles up at me and rolls her eyes at me. "Boys are handsome, not beautiful. Besides he has Jaime's nose, chin, and ears, so he's handsome, not beautiful."
"Of course. Forgive me, I misspoke."
"Perhaps." Lexa rubs her arm.
"So… if JJ looks so much like you and Jaime, what do the people in Springfield think?" I'm hesitant to ask, but curious.
Lexa sighs. "They know that Jaime and I were married, and if they think that JJ's our son, well, they haven't said anything, and I don't think they will. Remember that Anna took him home before Jaime and I got there. The only reason Jaime and I were in Springfield at all was because he was dying. The whole town is family though, so I'm not worried. Jaime would have been their laird. If he told them that the sky was green, they'd tell anyone who asked that the sky was green without question."
I nod, thinking about my own family, Shalimar, Brennan- even Adam and Emma. I would have done the same for them without question. "What will you tell JJ if he starts to ask questions? If he looks at you and recognizes you? Or if he sees a picture of Jaime and recognizes himself in it? It's one thing for the town to lie to outsiders, but would you want them to lie to him too?"
"We've talked about it, Anna and I." Lexa pauses before continuing. "She'll tell him as much as he needs to know in relation to how old he is. And when he's ten we'll tell him more. I won't burden him before I have to, but I want to prepare him in case…"
"In case he's a new mutant?" I suggest.
"Yes."
Watching her face, I can see that these questions have burdened her even before I raised them. Feeling brave, I hear myself ask a few more difficult ones. "What happens if you get married, or when you have more children?"
"Will I send them away, is that what you're asking?" Lexa steps away from me slowly and looks into the wilds of Storm King Mountain.
"Yes," I reply softly.
It takes her a few minutes to reply, and I feel my heart begin to race. Her answers will affect me as well. "If I have to I'll send them someplace safe as well, but I hope it doesn't come to that. I think it would depend on the circumstances, upon their father. If he's a mutant as well... I'd hope that we would have talked about it before hand and come up with a plan together.
"With JJ though, it was hard. Jaime and I hadn't planned it- he was barely 25, I was just 22. Even though I loved Jaime, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life working for my grandfather. Since they didn't know about JJ, keeping him secret, even if it meant giving him up, was the best way to protect him from my life."
I shake my head. "All these secrets Lexa. I don't know if I could do it."
She looks back at me. "You could if it was the only way. I'm not happy about the choices I've had to make Jesse, but this wasn't about me, or Jaime, or Anna, or the Dominion. This was about Jaime and his best interests. I made the best choices I could at the time."
"I understand that Lexa, I do. But if it were my son, I'd want him with me." My voice is low, not meant to be judgmental, but I see the flash of anger in her eyes and wince inwardly.
"So what are you saying, that I'm a shitty mother because I gave him up?" She turns her back to me once again and walks further away from me.
"I just think you're selling yourself short Lexa. You have so much to offer him." I try to explain, but I'm not sure I'm getting thru to her.
Without turning around she replies, her voice bitter. "I think you're selling the Dominion short, not to mention Anna. She's a wonderful mother to him Jesse. And if I were to take her away from him and at the same time put him in harms way THAT would be the selfish thing to do. That would make me a bad mother. His best interests Jesse, then mine."
"But Anna isn't like us Lexa-"
She turns toward me slowly. "There's no guaranty he's like us either Jesse. You know the science just as well as I do – there's a fifty-fifty chance he'll have no mutant powers, even if he is a carrier. Besides most mutants aren't raised by other mutants. What's important isn't that we know our parents went threw what we did, but that we know that they love us. That's what I would have liked anyways. You ran away from home just like I did Jesse. I gave JJ a home he could run back to if he wanted to, not away from. I gave him a chance to know his roots and when he's ready I'll give him a chance to know our world too."
I nod grimly, but hold fast to my position. "Fine. But Lexa, when we need to make these decisions for ourselves, I want you to know that our children's place will ALWAYS bee with us. Always. If that means leaving behind Mutant X behind, I'm ready to do that."
Her voice is just as grim as she holds my eye. "There won't be a time when we'll have to make those decisions together Jesse. Not if we're careful. And definitely not if you can't see that Jaime and I made the right choice for JJ. I will not have any future child of mine be raised thinking I loved their older brother any more or less because I gave him up for adoption."
I take a step toward her trying to bridge this gap that has arisen between us. "I love you Lexa. I'm not judging you. I'm being honest with you."
"Unfortunately, Jesse, it seems that it's the same thing, isn't it?"
"Lexa…" I reach for her, wanting nothing more than to take her in my arms.
Amazingly, she lets me hold her. "For now let's just agree to disagree. We both know where we stand. I can't be mad just because you have rose colored glasses on, especially if I find it endearing half the time."
I kiss her gently and stroke her back. "I'm glad that you told me Lexa, if that means anything."
She kisses me back slowly. "I'm glad too."
"I won't tell a soul, I promise."
"Of course you won't. I trust you Jesse." Her eyes search mine slowly. "But you should know that if it ever came to it Jesse, if I had to choose between my happiness and JJ's safety- I'd pay any price to keep him safe. I'm counting on you to do the same for me here. His life over mine. Always."
I nod and take her hand as we start back. "I promise Lexa."