Stasis Pod From Hell
By Capt. Emerald PROLOUGE (Well sort of..)
3 MILLION YEARS AWAY FROM EARTH THE MINING SHIP RED DWARF WAS BEING EATEN
AWAY BY A CHAMELEONIC MICROBE. AFTER LEARING ABOUT THIS EVERYONE ON THE
SHIP LEFT ON BLUE MIDGETS AND STARBUGS EXCEPT FOR THE PRISIONERS IN THE
BRIG. HOPING TO STOP THE VIRUS KRYTEN BUILT A MACHINE THAT ALLOWED THE DWARFERS
TO ENTER THE MIRROR UNIVERSE. NOT TO LONG LATER RIMMER RETURNED TO THE MACHINE HAD BEEN EATEN BY THE VIRUS. SOON RIMMER WAS VISITED BY DEATH WHOM
HE GAVE A HARD KICK IN THE GROIN, HE RAN OFF AFTERWARDS. WHILE IN THE MIRROR UNIVERSE KRYTEN BUILT YET ANOTHER MACHINE THAT ALLOWED THE OTHERS TO RETURN TO THE NORMAL UNIVERSE. WHEN THEY RETURNED THEY MADE AN ANTIDOTE AND STOPPED THE VIRUS. THEY LATER FOUND RIMMER UNDER A SCANNER
TABLE IN THE DRIVE ROOM.
AND NOW THE SMEG CONTINUES...
It was another day as usual. Kochanski had ordered that everyone meet in the Drive Room immediately. Cat and Kryten were already there now they were waiting for the usual suspects to arrive. Kochanski began to tap her foot impatiently. Where the hell are they? She thought to herself. Suddenly Lister's childish laughter echoed into the room. Rimmer walked in limping and Lister followed behind him trying to hold back an outpour of laughter. "That was not funny in any way Lister not funny at all." Rimmer snapped. "Yes it was. It was hysterical." Lister giggled. "Especially when you ran screaming from the room and tripped down the flight of stairs." Lister finished and then he burst into laughter. Rimmer glared at him and he stopped. "It's not funny when you hold a megaphone up to your rear end and fart into it to wake me up causing me to almost have a heart attack and break my leg you ugly git!" Rimmer complained. "Smeghead." Lister's usual reply. Kochanski had enough she slammed her fist on the scanner table. "Will you two grow up already and stop arguing!" She screamed. Rimmer and Lister quickly sat down on opposite sides of the room. Lister made a face at Rimmer who replied with a cold glare. "Okay we've found an alien vessel. We've scanned the ship and there appears to be one life form aboard. We need to send two people over to investigate so any volunteers?" She looked around the room. No one had raised his or her hand. She spotted Lister and Rimmer making faces at each other. Immature as usual. She thought. Then she got an idea. "Okay. Looks like Rimmer and Lister are going." The two stopped their childish brawl and looked at Kochanski. "What?! With him? No way!" They whined at the same time. Kochanski immediately responded with a cold look. Worry gripped Rimmer and Lister's souls.
Sometime later on Starbug... Rimmer sat in the other pilots seat staring at Lister. Oh God he's doing it again. Rimmer said to himself. Lister was doing it again. Chugging his beer and making that disgusting sound as he swallowed it God how that annoyed Rimmer. Lister finished his drink and let out a loud belch as he threw away the empty can. "Remind me next time we do this to bring barf bags will you Lister?" Rimmer mused. "Oh grow up." Lister moaned. Suddenly Starbug jolted to a stop and began to go again. "I knew you shouldn't have been drinking now were gonna die." Rimmer complained. "It's gotta be the gearbox. It's not me man." Lister covered. "It's gotta be the gearbox. It's not me man." Rimmer mimicked Lister's scouse accent. "It's the gearbox my butt Lister." "Shut up Rimmer!" Lister snapped. The 'Bug slams into the docking bay doors. "Nice one Listy. I should trust you to fly when I go suicidal. You drive like a drunken baboon laddie." Rimmer cracked sarcastically. "That's rich man. Coming from a person who ran off and hid in the broom closet and was dragged kicking and screaming to the ship." Lister said as started off the usual insult war. "I did not. If you must know I simply took evasive manuvers and tried to beat you all off of me." "Yeah like a schoolgirl. Now shut up." "You're a smegging liar." "Just shut up." Rimmer tried to think up some kind of horrible thing to say but nothing came. I'll get you later you smegging git. He thought as they went into the backroom. Lister picked up a bazookoid and loaded it. "All right let's get going." Lister said as he headed for the airlock. "Ah ah ah, where do you think you're going?" Rimmer said as he slid in front of Lister. "To explore the ship." Lister replied. "With just a weapon I think not we need the proper gear to do something like this." He explained as he went over to a small box on the floor. He put it up on the table and opened it. "We're going out in these." Rimmer said as a large smile appeared on his face. " Oh God no Rimmer there is no way in hell you're getting me in that thing. No way Rimmer." Lister said as he saw the contents of the box.
"I cannot believe I'm doing this." Lister complained as he adjusted his Canaries uniform. "You owe me big time man." Lister noted. "Oh quit you're whining you 5 year old." Rimmer mocked. "So now that we're in our easy- picking-for-some-psycho-alien-gear what are we gonna do?" Lister said. "All right. You take the left and I'll take the right. Meet back at Starbug in one hour. And remember if you see anything yell really loud." "Why don't we just use the communicators?" "Because we don't have any that's why baboon brains." "Smeg-face." Lister mused as Rimmer began to walk away. He then quickly darted over and gave Rimmer a nice flat tire. Lister cracked up and Rimmer shared his feelings with two-fingers and walked away. Rimmer soon came up to dark room. He took out a torch and turned it on as he began to scan the room. Just then he saw something that nearly made him jump out of his skin. "Lister! Lister!" He screeched. Within seconds Lister darted in. He spots what Rimmer saw. "What the smeg is that?" He asked as they checked out a stasis pod in the centre of the room. The words Stasis Pod 0012 was on the front. Rimmer shined the light onto the window. A woman looking quite upset was frozen in time. "What's a stasis pod?" Rimmer asked. You git you should know what that is. Lister thought. "What do you think it is? It's a pod that has something or someone in stasis." Lister said as he pushed a few keys on a small keypad on the pod. "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna open it." "Open it? Are you mad?! What if the person inside has some kind of mutated virus and we all die from it in a matter of moments or the person is some kind of psychopath and bludgeons us to death?" "So? I'm gonna open it anyways." Lister said as he pressed a few more keys. Rimmer stepped forward to see what Lister was up to. Does he have any idea what he's doing? We're gonna die! Please God let her kill him. Rimmer thought. Suddenly the top came off and the woman fell straight into Rimmer's arms. The woman looked up at him. Her beautiful hazel eyes suddenly hypnotized Rimmer then she passed out. "Look at that she passed out the moment she saw you. That's not really much of a surprise. So what should we do now?" Lister asked. What an idiot. Rimmer thought. "We're going to take her back with us. Now come on." He said as he picked the woman up. Lister tried to help Rimmer but he didn't want help and he just walked off.
Rimmer laid the woman on a bed in the ops room. Lister started up the engines and headed back to Red Dwarf. As soon as they were back on board Rimmer rushed the woman to the medi-bay. Something that confused Lister.
Rimmer sat by the bed in the medi-bay staring at the unconscious woman. Kryten and Lister looked at him strangely. "I've never seen him like this before." Lister noted. "Like what sir?" Kryten asked. "Looking at a woman that way." "What do you mean by 'that way'?"
"Well usually he looks at women with that so-called 'mesma-stare'. But this is way different." "I have also noticed that. Is he frozen in time?"
"It's love, Krytie. You can totally tell. He's totally flipped out man."
"What should we do sir?"
"We should leave him alone. Come on."
They get up and Lister leaves. Rimmer stops Kryten. "What is it sir?" Kryten asked. "Kryten, by any chance do you know when she'll be up?" Rimmer asked with a worried tone. "I don't know. I'm sorry sir." Rimmer turned away and stared at the woman once more. God you're beautiful. I haven't felt this way around a woman for...well this would be the first time. Rimmer thought to himself as Kryten left.
Lister was sleeping on the top bunk making the loud annoying noise that maybe a snore. But Rimmer wasn't bothered by that tonight. He was wide- awake thinking about that woman. "Lights!" Rimmer said as he got up and began to pace about and he thought to himself. What should I do? I know I'll ask Lister maybe he can at least give me one bit of useful information. Rimmer thought. He leaned up right next to Lister's face and drew in a breath. "LISTER!" He bellowed. "What?!" Lister said as he darted up and smacked his head on the top of bunk making a horrible thud. "Lister, I have a question for you. Now this may sound strange but please give me an honest answer." "No problem, man."
"Lately, Lister I can't stop thinking about that woman. Every time I close my eyes I see her looking at me. I don't know what to do. Should I go see her or should I leave alone?"
"I think you should go with what your heart seems best. After all that's what you do when you're in love. Now let me sleep." Lister moaned as he buried his head under his pillow and fell back asleep. "I should go see her." Rimmer decided as he thought over what Lister said. He walked over to his locker and began to take out his uniform. "You always want to look professional when meeting girl." Rimmer entered the medi-bay straightening up his uniform. After all that's what you do when you're in love. Rimmer shook his head.
The woman quickly darted up and looked around the room. "What the smeg?" She said in a nice Scottish tone. "They took my gun. Bastards." She found a small closet in the back of the room and began to explore what was inside. She soon found her gun. "Ah there you are." Just then Rimmer walked in behind her. She turned around and her glasses slid off her face. "In love? Absolutely preposterous." Rimmer said to himself. He noticed the empty bed and began to frantically look around. The woman's glasses fell off and clattered on the floor she quickly picked them up. Rimmer began to make his way over to investigate. "Hello? Is anyone there?" He called. The woman stepped forward and pressed the gun against Rimmer's head. "All right laddie, you are going to tell me everything I want to know when I ask you go it, you rancid gimp!" She barked. "Yes." Rimmer said as he froze. "Now sit down!" The woman ordered. Rimmer quickly darted into a chair knowing that one false move could result in his brains being splattered all over the walls. The woman took her glasses and began to wipe them clean while she made her way towards Rimmer. She put them on and immediately noticed something. Smeg. It's him! She thought as she dropped the gun. She immediately jumped on top of Rimmer. "Ace!" She then gave Rimmer a big snog. But he quickly pushed her off. "What are you doing?!" Rimmer asked this was the first time a woman had ever ran over to him and didn't vomit in disgust. "What do you mean by that? You wouldn't forget your girl Kara McGellen would you?" She said as she began to un-button Rimmer's shirt. He pushed her off once more. "Who the hell is Ace? And what the hell are you doing?" Rimmer asked as he tried to back away. "Oh you want me to call you by your real name. Fine Rimmer let's get busy!" She said as she attempted to jump on him once more. Rimmer jumped out of the chair and backed away. He then tripped into the hallway. Smeg she's trying to kill me! He thought as he slammed on the ground. "Holly! Get Lister down her now!" Rimmer yelled. "Yes Arnold." Holly replied.
Lister was passed on the top bunk when Holly appeared on the monitor. "Better wake him up." Holly said to himself. Suddenly the room filled with horrible trumpet noises. Lister woke up and fell out bed and landed on the floor with a loud thud. "Off!" Lister ordered and the trumpeting ceased. "Glad you're up, Dave. You need to report to the medi-bay it's an emergency." Holly told him. "What kind of an emergency?" Lister asked as he got up. "I'm not sure but by the looks of it Arnold is in real trouble or he's just gotten really lucky. If you don't head down there I'll play the trumpet again." Holly noted. "Fine I'll go." Lister answered.
Rimmer tried to struggle McGellen off. Doesn't she notice that I'm not this Ace character? Then he saw Lister coming. "Lister help me! She's trying to rape me!" Rimmer shrieked. "Sheesh Rimmer, I thought you would usually take full advantage of this situation to make love with a woman who has leapt on top of you." Lister joked. Rimmer gave him a cold look. "All right I'll help." Lister added. He backed up and then made a run straight at McGellen. He then leaped into the air and tackled McGellen off of Rimmer. Rimmer got right up and re-buttoned his shirt. McGellen pushed Lister off and sat down in a chair. "Bastard." She muttered. Lister got up and recollected himself. "Now what's going on here?" He asked. Rimmer pointed his finger directly at the cross McGellen. "This woman had me at gun point and forced me to sit down. Then she put on her glasses, leapt on me, and started calling me Ace." McGellen looked right at him. "Well you are aren't you?" She asked. "No! I don't even-"Lister then cut Rimmer off at mid sentence. "Wait a second! Ace? How do you know Ace?" Lister questioned the love thrown Scot. "Excuse me!" Rimmer screeched. "I'm in the middle of something here!" Rimmer complained. McGellen got up and walked up to Rimmer. "Yeah. I knew Ace..." She paused and gave Rimmer a quick slap on the bum. "Personally." She finished and gave Rimmer a big smile. "Stop doing that!" Rimmer barked as he stepped to the other side of the room. "So you know him?" Lister asked. "I probably know just as much about him as you do, maybe even more." McGellen replied. "So you would know all his secrets?" He asked. He looked over at Rimmer who was fuming with anger. "Even that he really isn't him?" Lister finished. McGellen walked over to Lister and looked at him strangely. She scratched her head and pointed at him. "Yeah. Hey by any chance are you Dave Lister?" Lister looked at her too. "Yeah. Why?" He asked. Kara grabbed his hand and gave him a strong handshake. "Well I'm pleased to meet you, Skipper!" She chirped excitedly. "You what?" Lister looked around and the room and saw a smile crawl across Rimmer's face. "He called me that?" "Call? Ace referred to you by that. Is that all right if I call you that?" McGellen asked worryingly. Smeg. I can't believe she knows that. And Rimmer knows it now too. "You must really know him if you knew that. I bet you could probably find him." Lister mused. McGellen's face quickly turned to worry. She then smacked herself on the head. "Oh smeg! That reminds me I gotta find him! Thanks Lister!" She said as she made her way towards the door. She turned around at the last minute and pointed out the door. "Erm, where's your Drive Room?" She asked. "Floor 9." Lister answered. McGellen snapped her fingers and dug her hand into her jacket pocket. "Thanks mate. Oh yeah, Ace said I should give this to you if you don't believe me or something like that." She tossed a photograph to Lister and she ran off. Lister looked at the photograph strangely. "I'm following her to make sure she doesn't blow up the ship or something like that." Rimmer noted as he left the room. Lister looked at the photograph again. The photograph was a picture of McGellen kissing Ace. A large grin was across his face.
Kryten enjoyed cleaning. He enjoyed it a lot. Especially when he was actually working for the good of someone unlike the times when he used to the clean the Nova V for a dead crew but that doesn't matter now he had a new life. As usual Kryten was cleaning the Drive Room with his favourite groinal attachment-the vacuum cleaner. He was enjoying that so much he failed to notice McGellen come in. He turned around and saw the pilot sit down a monitor. "How was your sleep ma'am?" He asked. "It was fine." She smiled and tilted her head. "Oh you must be Kryten, pleased to meet you." The mechanoid walked over and they shook hands. McGellen noticed his groinal attachment immediately and gave it a weird look. Quick say something you moron! McGellen panicked. "That's a nice groinal attachment. Best I've ever seen." She quickly complimented. Nice going smeghead now he thinks you're an idiot. Kryten nodded his head. "Thank you ma'am." And then he left to continue his work. "Yeah, whatever." She dug her hands into her pockets. "Now where is it?" She looked through her pockets. Lister and Rimmer came in. Lister casually sat next to McGellen, Rimmer wanted to avoid her altogether and he moved to the other side of the room. Lister stared as McGellen pulled an assortment of items from her pockets; a watch, a lighter, a pack of cigarettes, and a CD. McGellen picked up the CD and examined it. "Yes! Let's do this already. Don't worry Ace I'll be back in no time." She took the CD out of the case. "What are you doin'?" Lister asked. "I'm running a tracking program me and Ace made. With this I can find him instantly no matter where he is. Here I'll show ya." She explained as she put the CD in. McGellen typed in a few things and a screen popped up. It then showed a box that split into many flat squares. CURRENT LOCATION: SEARCHING Lister pointed at the screen. "What's that?" McGellen points at a small dot that appears on the screen. "That's us." Another dot appears on the other side of the screen not to far from Red Dwarf. "And that's Ace. Let's see, now we send a signal." She types in a few more things and a small line on the screen from Red Dwarf reaches the Wildfire. "Good, we're in. Now we send a message." She types some more and speaks to the screen. "Ace? Hello? Are you there? Can you hear me?" She called. The screen changes to the interior of a ship. Ace sits down in front of it. "Is that you Kara?" He asked. McGellen felt a sudden stirring inside. "Ace! Yes its me!" She chirped excitedly. Rimmer looked at the screen. He felt a sudden sickness in his stomach. My God how can anyone stand to look like that? He immediately turned away in sickness. "Where are you?" Ace asked. "You wouldn't believe this but I'm on Red Dwarf!" McGellen replied. "How far are you away?" Ace asked with a tone of happiness. "I'm coming to get you, wait there. " He assured. McGellen quickly typed in their location and send it to Ace. "I'm sending you the information right now. I'll see you later." She almost turned the signal off when she saw Ace raise his hand to stop her. "Hold on. Can I speak to Skipper for just a moment?" McGellen looked over at Lister. Lister nodded his head. "Sure. Here he is." She moved over and Lister moved into the chair. "Hey, long time no see." Ace remarked and then flicked his hair back. "Yeah. How's it going?" Lister asked. But really inside Lister knew he wasn't talking to the real Ace. He was talking to the old Rimmer the hologram that had taken over the previous Ace after he was mortally wounded. For some strange reason Lister was excited to see his old friend. "Pretty good." Ace answered. Suddenly the screen filled with static then faded back to normal. "Um. Hey could we talk when I get there?" Ace asked. "Sure." Lister replied. "All right. Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for breakfast." Ace cut out with his usual phrase. McGellen seemed to melt at the sound of those words. Rimmer walked over and shook his head, which was a thing he never should have done in the first place. "What a total gimp." McGellen immediately looked at Rimmer coldly. "He looks like some sort of jazzed up rock star gone wrong. It's disgusting." He added. McGellen quickly darted up and took out her gun. She pointed it at a really special place to Rimmer, hell not only to Rimmer and other guy. A small squeak escaped his lips. "Wanna say that again you stuck up smeghead cause I will blast your balls all over the side of this wall, got that!" McGellen threatened as she pushed the gun in. "Yes." Rimmer replied quietly. McGellen removed the gun and put it in its holster. She took out her pack of cigarettes only to find it empty. Smeg. My last pack. "By any chance does anyone have a spare cigarette? I'm out?" She asked. Lister nodded his head and took a pack from his pocket. He took a cigarette out. "I do, here." He threw to cigarette to McGellen. Somehow she caught it perfectly and managed to quickly stick it in her mouth and light it at a very fast pace. "Thanks." McGellen said as she left. Lister took the photograph from his pocket and looked at it again. Rimmer walked over and looked at the strange picture. "Who is this Ace anyways?" He asked. Lister rolled his eyes. "He's you from another dimension. He's the complete opposite of you." Lister explained. By a long shot. Lister thought to himself. That gimboid? Me from another dimension. Bullshit. Rimmer thought. "He's a complete git." Rimmer snapped. Lister got up and looked at Rimmer. "Ace won't be here 'til morning so why don't you get some sleep?" Lister leaves the room forgetting the photograph on the scanner table. Rimmer picked up the photograph and shook his head. "Wouldn't blame him for falling in love with that girl." He said to himself as he stuffed the Polaroid into his pocket and marched out.
The next day the Wildfire landed in the Red Dwarf docking bay. McGellen is waiting impatiently for the doors to open. Rimmer stared at her. Sheesh, can't she get a grip for 5 seconds? Lister and the Cat we're chatting to each other and Kochanski was lecturing Kryten on food supplies when the Wildfire doors opened. They all looked over in amazement. Ace stepped out, removed his helmet, and flashed a smile. "Hey fellas. How are those kippers doing?" He smirked and flicked his hair back. "Ace!" McGellen called as she ran over and gave Ace a big hug. "Well I'm glad to see you were in good hands." Ace said as he looked at McGellen. "Ehh, Skipper?" He added as he looked up at Lister. "Yeah." Lister replied. "Kara, why don't you go get some breakfast with everyone while I talk to Skipper here?" Ace suggested. McGellen let go and nodded her head. "Sure, no problem. Come on guys let's leave 'em be."
Ace was sitting at the table in Lister's sleeping quarters. Only he wasn't Ace anymore. Rimmer was back to his old hard-light look. Lister paced across the room in frustration. "What do you mean you don't wanna do it anymore?" He asked. "I don't want to be Ace anymore. It's getting boring. I've had enough of it!" Rimmer explained, well sort of. "Well what are we gonna do then? How are we gonna replace Ace?" "Send that other me. I'm sure he'll handle it just fine." "I don't know about that. And how are we gonna explain to everyone that you didn't die?" "Just tell them I didn't and try to get that other Rimmer to replace me. I'll even talk him into it." "Fine. But its not gonna be easy." Lister shook his head and left. "Hey I didn't mean right now!" Rimmer called after Lister.
Lister was busy explaining to the crew what was going on. Rimmer snuck up to the door of the Drive Room and listened in. The crew jumped up and shouted. "What?!" altogether. Lister took of his hat and scratched his head. "Yeah. It's true let me prove it. Yo! Rimmer come on out now!" Lister called. The Hologrammic Rimmer entered the room. There were a few gasps and McGellen lit up. "Why didn't you tell us sir?" Kryten asked. "Cause I thought you wouldn't believe me." Lister admitted while he put his hat back on. "We would of believed you buddy. Wouldn't we?" Cat asked. Everyone else nodded their heads. "Yeah." They added. Rimmer walked up to his living counterpart and pointed at him. "And you're going to replace Ace." He stated. "There is no way in hell I'm doing that!" The living Rimmer barked. He then turned heel and made a run for it. "Hey get back here you coward!" Hologrammic Rimmer yelled as he chased after his living self. Suddenly a loud alarm goes off and Holly appears on the monitors. "Emergency! Emergency! Simulant ship approaching! Emergency!" Holly warned. "What?!" Everyone screeched. The ship suddenly hurled to the side a simulant appeared on the monitor. "Prepare to die scum, Ha ha ha ha ha!" It laughed as it faded out. "Smeg!" Lister yelled.
The living Rimmer darted into the Docking Bay and looked around frantically. Come on, come on think you idiot! He spotted the Wildfire. Oh well like I have any other choice. He ran over to the Wildfire and got inside. Hologram Rimmer came in just in time to see his other self-go in. "Well that wasn't so hard." He bragged. The engines started up and the Wildfire flew right out of the 'Dwarf. It spun out of control towards the simulant ship. "What that smeg do I do?" Rimmer thought. Then he saw a strange button that got his attention. "Dimension Jump? What the smeg is that? Oh what the hell!" He pushed the button and the ship disappeared in a bright flash. The simulant ship lurched backwards and smashed onto a meteorite destroying it.
The Dwarfers looked in shock at the monitor. They had just seen what happened. "What the smeg was that?" Lister broke the silence. Hologrammic Rimmer rushed in and leaned against the wall to catch his breath. "That was the Wildfire. The smart bastard dimension jumped before he collided with the other ship." He explained as he moved his way over to a chair and sat down. McGellen ran over and began to check on him. "I wonder if he's all right?" Lister wondered. "Of course he'll be fine he's me." Rimmer assured. "Yeah. That's really assuring." Lister added. McGellen took out her gun and pointed it at Lister. "What do you mean by that?" She demanded. "Erm, nothing." Lister quickly replied. Please don't kill me! He thought. "Good." McGellen put her gun away and returned her attention to Rimmer. "I guess I'll be calling you Rimmer from now on?" She asked. "Yep." Rimmer replied.
Suddenly a garbled message came on. "Hey fellas!" Suddenly Rimmer's living self appeared only now he was Ace. "Well it looks like I'm off." He said. "See ya around." Lister said. "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." Ace flicked his hair back and faded out. Rimmer gave the screen a lovely one fingered salute and looked down at McGellen. "So? What do you say we make up for all that lost time or what?" He asked. "Let's." McGellen replied. Then they start snogging each other. Rimmer picked her up and carried her out of the room. Lister leaned against the wall and sighed. "Look how lucky he gets. He has a triumphant return and gets the girl." He moaned. Kochanski shook her head. He never gets it. She thought. "I see it as a kind of reward; for all he's been through." She stated. "Cause now he'll be busy with her instead of bothering us." She added. Lister walked over to Kochanski and tapped his foot on the floor. "Erm, by any chance since they are I wanted to know if-" Kochanski shook her head. "No! The answer will always be no!" She screamed as she stormed out. Lister followed Kochanski down the corridor. Maybe if he asked her enough she would just go with it. "Please?" He begged. Kochanski stopped and walked up to Lister. "Lister, if you don't stop I'm going to kick you in the balls so hard you'll be walking funny for a week." She threatened. "Just once?" Lister tried once more. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain as Kochanski kicked him right in the sweet spot.
By Capt. Emerald PROLOUGE (Well sort of..)
3 MILLION YEARS AWAY FROM EARTH THE MINING SHIP RED DWARF WAS BEING EATEN
AWAY BY A CHAMELEONIC MICROBE. AFTER LEARING ABOUT THIS EVERYONE ON THE
SHIP LEFT ON BLUE MIDGETS AND STARBUGS EXCEPT FOR THE PRISIONERS IN THE
BRIG. HOPING TO STOP THE VIRUS KRYTEN BUILT A MACHINE THAT ALLOWED THE DWARFERS
TO ENTER THE MIRROR UNIVERSE. NOT TO LONG LATER RIMMER RETURNED TO THE MACHINE HAD BEEN EATEN BY THE VIRUS. SOON RIMMER WAS VISITED BY DEATH WHOM
HE GAVE A HARD KICK IN THE GROIN, HE RAN OFF AFTERWARDS. WHILE IN THE MIRROR UNIVERSE KRYTEN BUILT YET ANOTHER MACHINE THAT ALLOWED THE OTHERS TO RETURN TO THE NORMAL UNIVERSE. WHEN THEY RETURNED THEY MADE AN ANTIDOTE AND STOPPED THE VIRUS. THEY LATER FOUND RIMMER UNDER A SCANNER
TABLE IN THE DRIVE ROOM.
AND NOW THE SMEG CONTINUES...
It was another day as usual. Kochanski had ordered that everyone meet in the Drive Room immediately. Cat and Kryten were already there now they were waiting for the usual suspects to arrive. Kochanski began to tap her foot impatiently. Where the hell are they? She thought to herself. Suddenly Lister's childish laughter echoed into the room. Rimmer walked in limping and Lister followed behind him trying to hold back an outpour of laughter. "That was not funny in any way Lister not funny at all." Rimmer snapped. "Yes it was. It was hysterical." Lister giggled. "Especially when you ran screaming from the room and tripped down the flight of stairs." Lister finished and then he burst into laughter. Rimmer glared at him and he stopped. "It's not funny when you hold a megaphone up to your rear end and fart into it to wake me up causing me to almost have a heart attack and break my leg you ugly git!" Rimmer complained. "Smeghead." Lister's usual reply. Kochanski had enough she slammed her fist on the scanner table. "Will you two grow up already and stop arguing!" She screamed. Rimmer and Lister quickly sat down on opposite sides of the room. Lister made a face at Rimmer who replied with a cold glare. "Okay we've found an alien vessel. We've scanned the ship and there appears to be one life form aboard. We need to send two people over to investigate so any volunteers?" She looked around the room. No one had raised his or her hand. She spotted Lister and Rimmer making faces at each other. Immature as usual. She thought. Then she got an idea. "Okay. Looks like Rimmer and Lister are going." The two stopped their childish brawl and looked at Kochanski. "What?! With him? No way!" They whined at the same time. Kochanski immediately responded with a cold look. Worry gripped Rimmer and Lister's souls.
Sometime later on Starbug... Rimmer sat in the other pilots seat staring at Lister. Oh God he's doing it again. Rimmer said to himself. Lister was doing it again. Chugging his beer and making that disgusting sound as he swallowed it God how that annoyed Rimmer. Lister finished his drink and let out a loud belch as he threw away the empty can. "Remind me next time we do this to bring barf bags will you Lister?" Rimmer mused. "Oh grow up." Lister moaned. Suddenly Starbug jolted to a stop and began to go again. "I knew you shouldn't have been drinking now were gonna die." Rimmer complained. "It's gotta be the gearbox. It's not me man." Lister covered. "It's gotta be the gearbox. It's not me man." Rimmer mimicked Lister's scouse accent. "It's the gearbox my butt Lister." "Shut up Rimmer!" Lister snapped. The 'Bug slams into the docking bay doors. "Nice one Listy. I should trust you to fly when I go suicidal. You drive like a drunken baboon laddie." Rimmer cracked sarcastically. "That's rich man. Coming from a person who ran off and hid in the broom closet and was dragged kicking and screaming to the ship." Lister said as started off the usual insult war. "I did not. If you must know I simply took evasive manuvers and tried to beat you all off of me." "Yeah like a schoolgirl. Now shut up." "You're a smegging liar." "Just shut up." Rimmer tried to think up some kind of horrible thing to say but nothing came. I'll get you later you smegging git. He thought as they went into the backroom. Lister picked up a bazookoid and loaded it. "All right let's get going." Lister said as he headed for the airlock. "Ah ah ah, where do you think you're going?" Rimmer said as he slid in front of Lister. "To explore the ship." Lister replied. "With just a weapon I think not we need the proper gear to do something like this." He explained as he went over to a small box on the floor. He put it up on the table and opened it. "We're going out in these." Rimmer said as a large smile appeared on his face. " Oh God no Rimmer there is no way in hell you're getting me in that thing. No way Rimmer." Lister said as he saw the contents of the box.
"I cannot believe I'm doing this." Lister complained as he adjusted his Canaries uniform. "You owe me big time man." Lister noted. "Oh quit you're whining you 5 year old." Rimmer mocked. "So now that we're in our easy- picking-for-some-psycho-alien-gear what are we gonna do?" Lister said. "All right. You take the left and I'll take the right. Meet back at Starbug in one hour. And remember if you see anything yell really loud." "Why don't we just use the communicators?" "Because we don't have any that's why baboon brains." "Smeg-face." Lister mused as Rimmer began to walk away. He then quickly darted over and gave Rimmer a nice flat tire. Lister cracked up and Rimmer shared his feelings with two-fingers and walked away. Rimmer soon came up to dark room. He took out a torch and turned it on as he began to scan the room. Just then he saw something that nearly made him jump out of his skin. "Lister! Lister!" He screeched. Within seconds Lister darted in. He spots what Rimmer saw. "What the smeg is that?" He asked as they checked out a stasis pod in the centre of the room. The words Stasis Pod 0012 was on the front. Rimmer shined the light onto the window. A woman looking quite upset was frozen in time. "What's a stasis pod?" Rimmer asked. You git you should know what that is. Lister thought. "What do you think it is? It's a pod that has something or someone in stasis." Lister said as he pushed a few keys on a small keypad on the pod. "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna open it." "Open it? Are you mad?! What if the person inside has some kind of mutated virus and we all die from it in a matter of moments or the person is some kind of psychopath and bludgeons us to death?" "So? I'm gonna open it anyways." Lister said as he pressed a few more keys. Rimmer stepped forward to see what Lister was up to. Does he have any idea what he's doing? We're gonna die! Please God let her kill him. Rimmer thought. Suddenly the top came off and the woman fell straight into Rimmer's arms. The woman looked up at him. Her beautiful hazel eyes suddenly hypnotized Rimmer then she passed out. "Look at that she passed out the moment she saw you. That's not really much of a surprise. So what should we do now?" Lister asked. What an idiot. Rimmer thought. "We're going to take her back with us. Now come on." He said as he picked the woman up. Lister tried to help Rimmer but he didn't want help and he just walked off.
Rimmer laid the woman on a bed in the ops room. Lister started up the engines and headed back to Red Dwarf. As soon as they were back on board Rimmer rushed the woman to the medi-bay. Something that confused Lister.
Rimmer sat by the bed in the medi-bay staring at the unconscious woman. Kryten and Lister looked at him strangely. "I've never seen him like this before." Lister noted. "Like what sir?" Kryten asked. "Looking at a woman that way." "What do you mean by 'that way'?"
"Well usually he looks at women with that so-called 'mesma-stare'. But this is way different." "I have also noticed that. Is he frozen in time?"
"It's love, Krytie. You can totally tell. He's totally flipped out man."
"What should we do sir?"
"We should leave him alone. Come on."
They get up and Lister leaves. Rimmer stops Kryten. "What is it sir?" Kryten asked. "Kryten, by any chance do you know when she'll be up?" Rimmer asked with a worried tone. "I don't know. I'm sorry sir." Rimmer turned away and stared at the woman once more. God you're beautiful. I haven't felt this way around a woman for...well this would be the first time. Rimmer thought to himself as Kryten left.
Lister was sleeping on the top bunk making the loud annoying noise that maybe a snore. But Rimmer wasn't bothered by that tonight. He was wide- awake thinking about that woman. "Lights!" Rimmer said as he got up and began to pace about and he thought to himself. What should I do? I know I'll ask Lister maybe he can at least give me one bit of useful information. Rimmer thought. He leaned up right next to Lister's face and drew in a breath. "LISTER!" He bellowed. "What?!" Lister said as he darted up and smacked his head on the top of bunk making a horrible thud. "Lister, I have a question for you. Now this may sound strange but please give me an honest answer." "No problem, man."
"Lately, Lister I can't stop thinking about that woman. Every time I close my eyes I see her looking at me. I don't know what to do. Should I go see her or should I leave alone?"
"I think you should go with what your heart seems best. After all that's what you do when you're in love. Now let me sleep." Lister moaned as he buried his head under his pillow and fell back asleep. "I should go see her." Rimmer decided as he thought over what Lister said. He walked over to his locker and began to take out his uniform. "You always want to look professional when meeting girl." Rimmer entered the medi-bay straightening up his uniform. After all that's what you do when you're in love. Rimmer shook his head.
The woman quickly darted up and looked around the room. "What the smeg?" She said in a nice Scottish tone. "They took my gun. Bastards." She found a small closet in the back of the room and began to explore what was inside. She soon found her gun. "Ah there you are." Just then Rimmer walked in behind her. She turned around and her glasses slid off her face. "In love? Absolutely preposterous." Rimmer said to himself. He noticed the empty bed and began to frantically look around. The woman's glasses fell off and clattered on the floor she quickly picked them up. Rimmer began to make his way over to investigate. "Hello? Is anyone there?" He called. The woman stepped forward and pressed the gun against Rimmer's head. "All right laddie, you are going to tell me everything I want to know when I ask you go it, you rancid gimp!" She barked. "Yes." Rimmer said as he froze. "Now sit down!" The woman ordered. Rimmer quickly darted into a chair knowing that one false move could result in his brains being splattered all over the walls. The woman took her glasses and began to wipe them clean while she made her way towards Rimmer. She put them on and immediately noticed something. Smeg. It's him! She thought as she dropped the gun. She immediately jumped on top of Rimmer. "Ace!" She then gave Rimmer a big snog. But he quickly pushed her off. "What are you doing?!" Rimmer asked this was the first time a woman had ever ran over to him and didn't vomit in disgust. "What do you mean by that? You wouldn't forget your girl Kara McGellen would you?" She said as she began to un-button Rimmer's shirt. He pushed her off once more. "Who the hell is Ace? And what the hell are you doing?" Rimmer asked as he tried to back away. "Oh you want me to call you by your real name. Fine Rimmer let's get busy!" She said as she attempted to jump on him once more. Rimmer jumped out of the chair and backed away. He then tripped into the hallway. Smeg she's trying to kill me! He thought as he slammed on the ground. "Holly! Get Lister down her now!" Rimmer yelled. "Yes Arnold." Holly replied.
Lister was passed on the top bunk when Holly appeared on the monitor. "Better wake him up." Holly said to himself. Suddenly the room filled with horrible trumpet noises. Lister woke up and fell out bed and landed on the floor with a loud thud. "Off!" Lister ordered and the trumpeting ceased. "Glad you're up, Dave. You need to report to the medi-bay it's an emergency." Holly told him. "What kind of an emergency?" Lister asked as he got up. "I'm not sure but by the looks of it Arnold is in real trouble or he's just gotten really lucky. If you don't head down there I'll play the trumpet again." Holly noted. "Fine I'll go." Lister answered.
Rimmer tried to struggle McGellen off. Doesn't she notice that I'm not this Ace character? Then he saw Lister coming. "Lister help me! She's trying to rape me!" Rimmer shrieked. "Sheesh Rimmer, I thought you would usually take full advantage of this situation to make love with a woman who has leapt on top of you." Lister joked. Rimmer gave him a cold look. "All right I'll help." Lister added. He backed up and then made a run straight at McGellen. He then leaped into the air and tackled McGellen off of Rimmer. Rimmer got right up and re-buttoned his shirt. McGellen pushed Lister off and sat down in a chair. "Bastard." She muttered. Lister got up and recollected himself. "Now what's going on here?" He asked. Rimmer pointed his finger directly at the cross McGellen. "This woman had me at gun point and forced me to sit down. Then she put on her glasses, leapt on me, and started calling me Ace." McGellen looked right at him. "Well you are aren't you?" She asked. "No! I don't even-"Lister then cut Rimmer off at mid sentence. "Wait a second! Ace? How do you know Ace?" Lister questioned the love thrown Scot. "Excuse me!" Rimmer screeched. "I'm in the middle of something here!" Rimmer complained. McGellen got up and walked up to Rimmer. "Yeah. I knew Ace..." She paused and gave Rimmer a quick slap on the bum. "Personally." She finished and gave Rimmer a big smile. "Stop doing that!" Rimmer barked as he stepped to the other side of the room. "So you know him?" Lister asked. "I probably know just as much about him as you do, maybe even more." McGellen replied. "So you would know all his secrets?" He asked. He looked over at Rimmer who was fuming with anger. "Even that he really isn't him?" Lister finished. McGellen walked over to Lister and looked at him strangely. She scratched her head and pointed at him. "Yeah. Hey by any chance are you Dave Lister?" Lister looked at her too. "Yeah. Why?" He asked. Kara grabbed his hand and gave him a strong handshake. "Well I'm pleased to meet you, Skipper!" She chirped excitedly. "You what?" Lister looked around and the room and saw a smile crawl across Rimmer's face. "He called me that?" "Call? Ace referred to you by that. Is that all right if I call you that?" McGellen asked worryingly. Smeg. I can't believe she knows that. And Rimmer knows it now too. "You must really know him if you knew that. I bet you could probably find him." Lister mused. McGellen's face quickly turned to worry. She then smacked herself on the head. "Oh smeg! That reminds me I gotta find him! Thanks Lister!" She said as she made her way towards the door. She turned around at the last minute and pointed out the door. "Erm, where's your Drive Room?" She asked. "Floor 9." Lister answered. McGellen snapped her fingers and dug her hand into her jacket pocket. "Thanks mate. Oh yeah, Ace said I should give this to you if you don't believe me or something like that." She tossed a photograph to Lister and she ran off. Lister looked at the photograph strangely. "I'm following her to make sure she doesn't blow up the ship or something like that." Rimmer noted as he left the room. Lister looked at the photograph again. The photograph was a picture of McGellen kissing Ace. A large grin was across his face.
Kryten enjoyed cleaning. He enjoyed it a lot. Especially when he was actually working for the good of someone unlike the times when he used to the clean the Nova V for a dead crew but that doesn't matter now he had a new life. As usual Kryten was cleaning the Drive Room with his favourite groinal attachment-the vacuum cleaner. He was enjoying that so much he failed to notice McGellen come in. He turned around and saw the pilot sit down a monitor. "How was your sleep ma'am?" He asked. "It was fine." She smiled and tilted her head. "Oh you must be Kryten, pleased to meet you." The mechanoid walked over and they shook hands. McGellen noticed his groinal attachment immediately and gave it a weird look. Quick say something you moron! McGellen panicked. "That's a nice groinal attachment. Best I've ever seen." She quickly complimented. Nice going smeghead now he thinks you're an idiot. Kryten nodded his head. "Thank you ma'am." And then he left to continue his work. "Yeah, whatever." She dug her hands into her pockets. "Now where is it?" She looked through her pockets. Lister and Rimmer came in. Lister casually sat next to McGellen, Rimmer wanted to avoid her altogether and he moved to the other side of the room. Lister stared as McGellen pulled an assortment of items from her pockets; a watch, a lighter, a pack of cigarettes, and a CD. McGellen picked up the CD and examined it. "Yes! Let's do this already. Don't worry Ace I'll be back in no time." She took the CD out of the case. "What are you doin'?" Lister asked. "I'm running a tracking program me and Ace made. With this I can find him instantly no matter where he is. Here I'll show ya." She explained as she put the CD in. McGellen typed in a few things and a screen popped up. It then showed a box that split into many flat squares. CURRENT LOCATION: SEARCHING Lister pointed at the screen. "What's that?" McGellen points at a small dot that appears on the screen. "That's us." Another dot appears on the other side of the screen not to far from Red Dwarf. "And that's Ace. Let's see, now we send a signal." She types in a few more things and a small line on the screen from Red Dwarf reaches the Wildfire. "Good, we're in. Now we send a message." She types some more and speaks to the screen. "Ace? Hello? Are you there? Can you hear me?" She called. The screen changes to the interior of a ship. Ace sits down in front of it. "Is that you Kara?" He asked. McGellen felt a sudden stirring inside. "Ace! Yes its me!" She chirped excitedly. Rimmer looked at the screen. He felt a sudden sickness in his stomach. My God how can anyone stand to look like that? He immediately turned away in sickness. "Where are you?" Ace asked. "You wouldn't believe this but I'm on Red Dwarf!" McGellen replied. "How far are you away?" Ace asked with a tone of happiness. "I'm coming to get you, wait there. " He assured. McGellen quickly typed in their location and send it to Ace. "I'm sending you the information right now. I'll see you later." She almost turned the signal off when she saw Ace raise his hand to stop her. "Hold on. Can I speak to Skipper for just a moment?" McGellen looked over at Lister. Lister nodded his head. "Sure. Here he is." She moved over and Lister moved into the chair. "Hey, long time no see." Ace remarked and then flicked his hair back. "Yeah. How's it going?" Lister asked. But really inside Lister knew he wasn't talking to the real Ace. He was talking to the old Rimmer the hologram that had taken over the previous Ace after he was mortally wounded. For some strange reason Lister was excited to see his old friend. "Pretty good." Ace answered. Suddenly the screen filled with static then faded back to normal. "Um. Hey could we talk when I get there?" Ace asked. "Sure." Lister replied. "All right. Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for breakfast." Ace cut out with his usual phrase. McGellen seemed to melt at the sound of those words. Rimmer walked over and shook his head, which was a thing he never should have done in the first place. "What a total gimp." McGellen immediately looked at Rimmer coldly. "He looks like some sort of jazzed up rock star gone wrong. It's disgusting." He added. McGellen quickly darted up and took out her gun. She pointed it at a really special place to Rimmer, hell not only to Rimmer and other guy. A small squeak escaped his lips. "Wanna say that again you stuck up smeghead cause I will blast your balls all over the side of this wall, got that!" McGellen threatened as she pushed the gun in. "Yes." Rimmer replied quietly. McGellen removed the gun and put it in its holster. She took out her pack of cigarettes only to find it empty. Smeg. My last pack. "By any chance does anyone have a spare cigarette? I'm out?" She asked. Lister nodded his head and took a pack from his pocket. He took a cigarette out. "I do, here." He threw to cigarette to McGellen. Somehow she caught it perfectly and managed to quickly stick it in her mouth and light it at a very fast pace. "Thanks." McGellen said as she left. Lister took the photograph from his pocket and looked at it again. Rimmer walked over and looked at the strange picture. "Who is this Ace anyways?" He asked. Lister rolled his eyes. "He's you from another dimension. He's the complete opposite of you." Lister explained. By a long shot. Lister thought to himself. That gimboid? Me from another dimension. Bullshit. Rimmer thought. "He's a complete git." Rimmer snapped. Lister got up and looked at Rimmer. "Ace won't be here 'til morning so why don't you get some sleep?" Lister leaves the room forgetting the photograph on the scanner table. Rimmer picked up the photograph and shook his head. "Wouldn't blame him for falling in love with that girl." He said to himself as he stuffed the Polaroid into his pocket and marched out.
The next day the Wildfire landed in the Red Dwarf docking bay. McGellen is waiting impatiently for the doors to open. Rimmer stared at her. Sheesh, can't she get a grip for 5 seconds? Lister and the Cat we're chatting to each other and Kochanski was lecturing Kryten on food supplies when the Wildfire doors opened. They all looked over in amazement. Ace stepped out, removed his helmet, and flashed a smile. "Hey fellas. How are those kippers doing?" He smirked and flicked his hair back. "Ace!" McGellen called as she ran over and gave Ace a big hug. "Well I'm glad to see you were in good hands." Ace said as he looked at McGellen. "Ehh, Skipper?" He added as he looked up at Lister. "Yeah." Lister replied. "Kara, why don't you go get some breakfast with everyone while I talk to Skipper here?" Ace suggested. McGellen let go and nodded her head. "Sure, no problem. Come on guys let's leave 'em be."
Ace was sitting at the table in Lister's sleeping quarters. Only he wasn't Ace anymore. Rimmer was back to his old hard-light look. Lister paced across the room in frustration. "What do you mean you don't wanna do it anymore?" He asked. "I don't want to be Ace anymore. It's getting boring. I've had enough of it!" Rimmer explained, well sort of. "Well what are we gonna do then? How are we gonna replace Ace?" "Send that other me. I'm sure he'll handle it just fine." "I don't know about that. And how are we gonna explain to everyone that you didn't die?" "Just tell them I didn't and try to get that other Rimmer to replace me. I'll even talk him into it." "Fine. But its not gonna be easy." Lister shook his head and left. "Hey I didn't mean right now!" Rimmer called after Lister.
Lister was busy explaining to the crew what was going on. Rimmer snuck up to the door of the Drive Room and listened in. The crew jumped up and shouted. "What?!" altogether. Lister took of his hat and scratched his head. "Yeah. It's true let me prove it. Yo! Rimmer come on out now!" Lister called. The Hologrammic Rimmer entered the room. There were a few gasps and McGellen lit up. "Why didn't you tell us sir?" Kryten asked. "Cause I thought you wouldn't believe me." Lister admitted while he put his hat back on. "We would of believed you buddy. Wouldn't we?" Cat asked. Everyone else nodded their heads. "Yeah." They added. Rimmer walked up to his living counterpart and pointed at him. "And you're going to replace Ace." He stated. "There is no way in hell I'm doing that!" The living Rimmer barked. He then turned heel and made a run for it. "Hey get back here you coward!" Hologrammic Rimmer yelled as he chased after his living self. Suddenly a loud alarm goes off and Holly appears on the monitors. "Emergency! Emergency! Simulant ship approaching! Emergency!" Holly warned. "What?!" Everyone screeched. The ship suddenly hurled to the side a simulant appeared on the monitor. "Prepare to die scum, Ha ha ha ha ha!" It laughed as it faded out. "Smeg!" Lister yelled.
The living Rimmer darted into the Docking Bay and looked around frantically. Come on, come on think you idiot! He spotted the Wildfire. Oh well like I have any other choice. He ran over to the Wildfire and got inside. Hologram Rimmer came in just in time to see his other self-go in. "Well that wasn't so hard." He bragged. The engines started up and the Wildfire flew right out of the 'Dwarf. It spun out of control towards the simulant ship. "What that smeg do I do?" Rimmer thought. Then he saw a strange button that got his attention. "Dimension Jump? What the smeg is that? Oh what the hell!" He pushed the button and the ship disappeared in a bright flash. The simulant ship lurched backwards and smashed onto a meteorite destroying it.
The Dwarfers looked in shock at the monitor. They had just seen what happened. "What the smeg was that?" Lister broke the silence. Hologrammic Rimmer rushed in and leaned against the wall to catch his breath. "That was the Wildfire. The smart bastard dimension jumped before he collided with the other ship." He explained as he moved his way over to a chair and sat down. McGellen ran over and began to check on him. "I wonder if he's all right?" Lister wondered. "Of course he'll be fine he's me." Rimmer assured. "Yeah. That's really assuring." Lister added. McGellen took out her gun and pointed it at Lister. "What do you mean by that?" She demanded. "Erm, nothing." Lister quickly replied. Please don't kill me! He thought. "Good." McGellen put her gun away and returned her attention to Rimmer. "I guess I'll be calling you Rimmer from now on?" She asked. "Yep." Rimmer replied.
Suddenly a garbled message came on. "Hey fellas!" Suddenly Rimmer's living self appeared only now he was Ace. "Well it looks like I'm off." He said. "See ya around." Lister said. "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." Ace flicked his hair back and faded out. Rimmer gave the screen a lovely one fingered salute and looked down at McGellen. "So? What do you say we make up for all that lost time or what?" He asked. "Let's." McGellen replied. Then they start snogging each other. Rimmer picked her up and carried her out of the room. Lister leaned against the wall and sighed. "Look how lucky he gets. He has a triumphant return and gets the girl." He moaned. Kochanski shook her head. He never gets it. She thought. "I see it as a kind of reward; for all he's been through." She stated. "Cause now he'll be busy with her instead of bothering us." She added. Lister walked over to Kochanski and tapped his foot on the floor. "Erm, by any chance since they are I wanted to know if-" Kochanski shook her head. "No! The answer will always be no!" She screamed as she stormed out. Lister followed Kochanski down the corridor. Maybe if he asked her enough she would just go with it. "Please?" He begged. Kochanski stopped and walked up to Lister. "Lister, if you don't stop I'm going to kick you in the balls so hard you'll be walking funny for a week." She threatened. "Just once?" Lister tried once more. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain as Kochanski kicked him right in the sweet spot.