Let Her Go
Disclaimer: New Tricks belongs to the BBC, I don't make any profit from the use of it's characters...Unfortunately.
Rating: T, only because it's a bit sad :'(
Episode: The one that got away
My first attempt at a songfic. I wrote this just after the episode aired, but I didn't post then as I wanted to see how Sasha worked out. Glad I waited now. The song is 'Let her go' by Passenger. It's such a beautiful song, and fits the mood perfectly. Listen while you read.
/
Robert Strickland walked into the UCOS office, his stride quick and full of purpose. He tapped the manilla folder in his hand against his leg as he walked, beating out the tune he had heard on his car radio that morning and hadn't been able to get out of her mind all day. The office was quiet, empty. It was nearly six o/clock, he knew that the boys would have gone by now. He walked to the door of Sandra's office and stopped dead.
Not Sandra's, not any more. She was gone.
He looked at the little brass name plaque. It was the only thing left of her. All the photo's and personal items had gone from the office, she had taken them yesterday. He had watched from his office window as Gerry and Steve had helped her put the boxes into the boot of her car. He had kept watching as she had driven out of the car park, his eyes fixed on the red lights of her little covertable, until they had blured into all the other red lights on the road, and he couldn't make her car out of the hundreds, all driving into the distance. Away from him.
He rubbed his fingers slowly over the name. DSI Sandra Pullman. He slid it gently out of its holder, removing the last physical reminder of the most incredible woman he had ever met. This space felt so empty now, the vibrancy of it's previous resident fading away, leaving nothing but memories.
He threw the file down on the bare table. Tomorrow he would come down and set the boys loose on the case. It was a fairly simple case, but it would keep them busy, occupied, while he interviewed replacements for Sandra.
He snorted at the thought. Replacement! Nobody could ever replace her. They could sit in her office, they could do her job, but they wouldn't be her. He turned and left the office, switching off the light as he went, plunging the room into darkness.
/
He sat on his sofa, nursing the glass of single malt whiskey in his hands. He swirled the golden liquid around the tumbler before taking a sip. It burned it's way down his throat, leaving a heated trail down to his stomach, but the warmth couldn't get to his heart. That was cold, iced over. He had introduced the team to Sasha Miller today. She had been the obvious choice when he had been interviewing, she had all the skills needed for this very special unit, and her enthusiasm for the job had made her the early front runner. But he had still interviewed others, even after he had realised that he had found the right person for the job. he couldn't help but look at her and see Sandra, he had been wary of offering her the job for this reason. He hadn't trusted himself, he wondered if he had chosen her because she was so similar to the woman who he missed more than he thought possible.
It had soon ecome clear that Sasha was the only one of his candidates who ticked all the boxes, so this morning he had shown her into the UCOS dungeon, and had watched as the office had been filled again by the swish of golden hair, and pure energy.
It had hurt.
He had felt the hollow, sick feeling all over again. He covered it with false cheerfulness and enthusiasm. Stiff upper lip and all that.
Never letting the others see his misery. He had made the ultimate mistake, he had let her in, he had let Sandra Pullman get into his heart, and now she had torn it from his chest. Never again. He vowed over his glass that he would never let anybody close again.
Hie eyes wandered to the little name plate lying on his coffee table.
Never again.
/
He watched over Gerry's shoulder as he showed them the latest photo's which had been e-mailed to him. He knew that Sandra had been in regular contact with Gerry, and Brian and Esther. Every time his e-mail had chimed, he had felt an irrational surge of hope that maybe she had sent him a message, only to be crushed each time. It was stupid, he had to get over this, why would she send him anything. He had only ever been a thorn in her side, her boss, someone to call on when things got too hot, and to avoid the rest of the time.
He smiled at the picture of her stood at the base of a pyramid, her arms stretched wide, her face smiling at the camera. She was stunning. He remembered the moment she had told him she was leaving, the words leaving him feeling like he had been punched in the stomach. He had encouraged her, pushed her even. He would be damned if he was going to be the one to keep her here in the darkness, she belonged out there, in the world, keeping her here would be like keeping sunshine in a box. He couldn't do that to her.
But by God, it still hurt.
/
He watched as Sasha left his office. The false smile fading from his face, the mask falling away. He knew it had cost her, turning down Monroe's offer of a confession to the murder of her former partner. He had done his part, making sure that the whole thing couldn't be swept under the carpet, making her decision worth while. He knew she was hurting right now. Her divorce had become public knowledge, as was the reason behind it. He knew how that particular betrayal stung, how finding the one person you trust more than any with another person could eat into you. He had fought the urge to comfort her, to give her a shoulder. It would be too easy, she was vulnerable right now, not that you'd ever know to look at her, but he knew, and he couldn't take that kind of risk. He had been stupid enough to let his guard down once, and he was still feeling the loss of a woman who had never known how much he had loved her.
He stood and looked out of his window. His mind a million miles away, wondering what incredible sight she was seeing today. He thought of Sasha, it was unfair. She wasn't Sandra, she would do her own thing with UCOS, it would still go on, and be as successful as it was with Sandra in charge, the team will work for her with equal dedication and loyalty. And he was the boss, he would continue to protect them, and assist them in any way he could.
Sandra was gone, she wasn't coming back. UCOS will carry on without her, it will be different, but no less for Sasha being in charge.
He smiled as he thought of her, in front of a pyramid, the sunshine giving her an etherial glow, like an angel.
He had let her go. And it still hurt, it always would.
/
He stood on the bridge, leaning on the ballistrade, looking out over the river. The rain beat down, soaking him, but he didn't feel it, he was dead inside, his heart was shattered into a million tiny shards, he couldn't stop the tears falling down his face. Gerry had told him today how he had been talking to Sandra, she had found love in the form of Max Clemont, his friend, the one he had introduced Sandra to. He had smiled and agreed how it was nice she had found somebody, had laughed at Gerry's crack about frenchmen, Smiled at the photo of the two together, and had somehow got out of there before he he had broken down completely.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out the little brass name plaque. DSI Sandra Pullman, the black letters etching themselves into his eyes, searing themselves into his heart. It was all he had left of her, he didn't have any photos or any personal momentos, just a little brass strip with her name on it. He leaned forward and let the little piece of metal slip from his fingers. He watched through the tears as it slowly sank out of sight, the river carrying it away, with it any hope of feeling any sort of happiness again.
He had finally let her go.
/
Author's note. I bought the series ten box set today, and realised I really needed to post this. xxx Sarah.