In Buffy's Eyes

by booth258

this is a willow-centric fic. what would it be like if willow was chosen for the magics but in a slayer sort of way. she gets a watcher,too but things go wrong when her watcher is killed and it boils down to being buffy/willows' fault.

1. Chapter 1

I stepped down the hallway, I couldn't believe I was actually doing this, it wasn't my way to decieve and lie to my friends, why did I have to do this, why did I feel justified and right in going against giles' wishes and telling buffy I had to get something from my locker when I really didn't, I'd even lied to Xander. Xander was my friend, the only guy I felt I could truly love. I loved Oz, So much..But Oz wasn't xander and he'd never been Xander. I knew I could feel myself falling for Oz, the fact that he was in a band and had been there for me when I'd needed him, but I still gazed upon cordelia, Jealous and upset. She didn't belong in our group..She didn't belong with Xander! Inside i was screaming those words, Buffy didn't even like her. They'd never get along, Plus,Xander and Cordelia? They'd never make it. Cordy was too petty for him, He'd get sick and tired of her and then he'd want something else..Maybe he'd want me. I'd tried but maybe i hadn't tried hard enough. but that was no excuse for what I was doing now. I knew that giles wasn't in the building,He'd told us earlier this morning that he had lunch date with an old friend from England he hadn't seen in acouple of years and that the Library was to be closed all afternoon until he came back but I couldn't resist, for me it was the perfect time, I told myself that i wouldn't get caught, giles was away, Xander and Buffy were eating Lunch and I had the library all to myself, most students would see the sign on the door which red in black marker on a small slip of paper "Library closed for the afternoon", I'd known it was closed but i didn't care, I knew that giles' never locked the library, he thought that he could trust students and especilly me and buffy..Even Xander to stay out of his things and wait until he got back to thumb through things we didn't know about, But I couldn't help it. Giles would never allow me to look at certain books he kept hidden on a top shelf in his office, I knew why he'd put them away, protective of the power that I was putting inside of me everytime I did a new spell, he said that I was strong enough to do magic yet and that I should be careful because Magic isn't something to be messed with, but I thought he was just getting older, he'd forgotten how fun spells could really be..and I wasn't planning on doing anything big..I saw this big leather bound book on that shelf the other day when giles had led us into his office to explain some demon that was rising, he'd wanted buffy to fight it and us to research, he had some books on the middle shelf for us to study, even Xander, he wasn't much with the studying but usually helped anyway. That's when I'd saw the book, with it's big plack leather bound cover and a special sign carved into the front, similiar to a witch cult sign, I'd used it acouple of times, but the both spells hadn't worked, I'd been curious about what was in it. I'd get some stuff from the chemistry lab, it didn't have the things that dangerous spells needed, but I could pull off the most simple things needed, afterall, that's why chemistry was so easy for me, it wasn't much different than magic.

Stepping inside I tried to convince myself that nobody would find out and that nothing bad would happen, Giles was wrong about all the horrible things that would happen if spells and power was misused, sometimes he sounded like a broken record even though I trusted and admired him, sometimes I think he forgets what it's like to be a teenager and experience something amazing, I haven't slept a night since last summer without thinking what I did in that hospital room, giving angel back his soul. I'd felt something powerful go through me, something so powerful that it made me feel stronger, it had even pushed the weak, sick willow out and made me strong, even though my body ached because of getting squished by a book cabinet, but inside I was as strong as a mountain and nothing had changed, I never felt that energy or power leave me, it was inside of me. keeping me powerful and Special, I didn't want to be rid of it, It made me something other than I was, I was even able to do more spell accurately, those spells Giles,buffy,nor Xander knew anything about, it was just between myself, I'd done them in my spare time in my bedroom, once when my father was home he'd smelled incence, he hadn't punished me but I could tell he was bothered, I didn't know why. if he feared me getting into smoking he would've said something, or atleast I thought. But my parents were rarely home so it made it easier to do whatever I wanted, even if Giles or Buffy..Maybe even Xander dissapproved, what did he care what I did...He had cordelia?! I sneered at the thought of cordelia, I tried to be nice to her..but being nice to Cordelia was easier said than done, especially when she was only being my friend because she was dating Xander, I knew that if they broke up tomorrow, it would go back to the way it was, with cordelia making fun of us every second, she wouldn't lose a nights' sleep over how I felt, so I shouldn't do the same with her. Afterall, All she cared about was her looks and her daddy's money..and maybe now,xander..

Stepping inside I saw the tables and chairs all neat and tidy, nothing left on the table, giles had even taken most of the books he normally kept cluttered on the front desk in the library away, I figured he was afraid that some "Normal", student would come in and see something that belonged to himself from the watchers' council or to buffy and ofcourse, stuff like that was unsafe with anybody other than himself and buffy, I knew that he didn't completely trust me and Xander with it, everytime he saw me near a spell book or doing a spell to help buffy, doing a good thing. it was as if he was reading me with his eyes, I could tell that he hadn't liked my fascination for my magic, Afterall, After I'd gotten hurt last summer he'd put most of the spell books and the covens' informational volumes up on a high shelf in his office as if he thought that if he kept all dangerous material away, I'd forgot and move on to something else that interested me, I never wanted to be free of spells, I felt so powerful now. Maybe it wasn't what I'd done, that dangerous and powerful spell that even giles had felt unsure of me doing, I'd pushed the situation on them and they knew that they couldn't deny me that time, Afterall, if I hadn't have helped, it could've been the end of the world, I'd been there last hope..But giles was so powerful, he'd raised a demon..created his own demon..Did things he wouldn't talk to me about in his Ripper Days, yet that spell was beyond him, i didn't buy it, I thought there was another reason, there had to be.

I felt intrigued to go through every drawer, every last peice of information that giles' owned, quite curious as to things that not even buffy knew about giles, but i wasn't like that. I wouldn't invade his personal and private space, things that he didn't want us to know about his past, information that he had that was personal, all I wanted were the books that I was forbidden, I didn't want informational volumes , I wanted spells that I could try, somethign inside of yearned, pushing me towards spellbooks,mystical crystals,and ofcourse the magic box..and sometimes late at night I could swear I heard a voice, an unfamiliar, dark voice..as if it was mine,yet not. it had sounded so dark and mysterious in my delirium I had called it a figment of my imagination, I had been dreaming. but that voice within me would tell me that I needed this. I had to do spells and feel this power and the thing I didn't understand, the voice inside became like a person and I fed my innerself what it yearned for, what it wanted. But I'd never tell Giles or buffy that and me and Xander didn't really talk about the spells I did or anything like that..But I ignored another thought of leaving and forgetting about this, of not disobeying giles, but I couldn't. Something even more powerful inside of me was working within me and wouldn't let me turn around and walk out, in some ways it was as if I had no control over my own wants and needs, I knew that giles would say that it was part of the magics that I didn't want to face up to, but I'd done spells and I felt good about them, this couldn't be a part of that, maybe it was because I had felt out of the loop lately and that giles couldn't trust me with those books.."Yes", that's what it is",..I told myself even though deep down some part of me believed that giles was right".

I stepped into giles' office, to the right of the main desk where most librarians checked out books and gave out fines as I stepped inside, he'd

cleaned his office from top to bottom and some important volumes were on his desk,as well. I ignored them. Watcher files and Slayer Files had no interest to me, buffy was the slayer, I wasn't. and I knew if she knew I was in here disobeying giles she wouldn't like it, she could get into trouble sometimes but she'd know that that this was wrong.

I turned the cabinet as the top cabinet became all that I saw with a whole row of leather bound books as I had recalled where giles' had put the one I had been most interested in exploring, I'd touched it, went to open it acouple of times last year and giles had closed

it before I could even think about opening it and memorizing spells, he'd gotten really upset, almost livid holding that book.

"This Volume is Dangerous", and I don't want you to touch it. Not even for a peak. How many times have I told you willow..Magic is Dangerous. "It may open door you can't close"..and I recall he'd dissapeared into his office, and I hadn't known then or even now, but that book was different than just normal magic, it was special, maybe it was because I sensed it's specialness,why I had to see it. Had to do atleast one spell in it. my inner self kept ushering me forward, pleading for me to grab it an do what I must, Earlier I'd went to the chemistry Lab and picked up anything I could possibly think of that would be needed, I'd hid it in my locker until I was ready to use it and now hear I sat with a small blue jean tote full of chemicals, magic stuff.

Pulling the large, heavy book down i sat on the floor, after turning the light on. I then began to fumble through the pages drinking up the emmense power that I felt within these pages, the specialness that this book already had and why Giles' hadn't wanted me to look at it, he always had a reason but right now I wasn't listening and I thought he was crazy, maybe overreacting a bit, too. I never thought that giles could be right.

Soon I found a spell, a good spell that was I'd wanted. it was something I could do for me and Xander. It would drive Cordelia away and he'd want me..Me! I'd make a spell to where he thought of only me and Cordelia would be out of his mind, She would leave him and it would just be me and Xander, like it had been since we were in grammar school, but before Cordelia had gone petty and mean. he'd desire only me, but then I hadn't realized that I'd fogotten to read the fine print of the old rusty page that sat on my lap in that book..But i didn't think that giles could be right, he couldn't. he was old and he didn't remember spells as being as important and needed. As magical and amazing as they were to me, things were different when he was into the magics, I didn't believe that there was any chance that he could be right, that was my first mistake".

I wasn't thinking clearly, I wanted to believe that if I was doing spells and taking charge of the power that I wanted that everything was for the best, like buffy. I knew she saved the world but everything always somehow seemed to go her way, yeah, I helped. I sometimes looked up things..xander did,too. and Giles..Giles was her watcher, he prepared her for everything to go the way she wanted it to, I knew that buffy had alot to deal with but I never really thought about all of the decisions she had to make for the sake of the world, I'd believed it all to be what she wanted, maybe even easy. I hadn't even taken into consideration what she'd been through just before she ranaway, sure,I'd always been on her side where Angel was concerned and I felt bad for her and Knew she was going through alot when Angel turned bad, but I"d never really thought of the decisions she had to make to save the world, and I didn't see the decisions that I had now, ones that could shape my future, but I just couldn't see them, nothing seemed clear or made any sense. All I saw was Fun and Excitement..Adventure. that's what the magics were to me, right now I couldn't see them as anything else but fun.

But what I couldn't realize right now and wouldn't until much later was that with one spell I could shift from being a beginner in the magics to lost within the magics. but that was a part of me that I felt was already lost. there was something powerful inside of me and it was so much of a part of me I couldn't think clearly, I knew what buffy and Giles would think, but I wandered if Angel would be on my side. "He would", I told myself. he had to be. But I didn't listen to a certain part of me that told me that what I was doing was wrong, not the magic. there wasn't any part of me right now that wasn't wanting the magic..The spells. The power. But it was the fact that I was decieving people I cared about that bothered me. I'd lied to both xander and Buffy. I hadn't lied to them before. Not really. and Giles. I was forbidden to do what I was doing, whether he was here or not and I decieving him,too. that hurt me even more. I loved Giles. he was like a father to me, even though I had a father. My dad wasn't around alot. was always on a business trip or meeting with a client and my mother was always taking trips..meeting fans because of "The book of the month", she was professor of phsychology", So I really looked up to giles, but I didn't want to believe that he was right when it came to the magics. I wanted tbelieve that he was older and was wrong..Even though deep down I knew he wasn't. But this was so fun and adventurous. it gave me a purpose, made me in some ways like buffy. not really,yet it helped me to where I could be an assett to the scoobies, I could help save the day,too. I wouldn't give that up without a fight, I figured it was okay with Xander if he was just a normal kid and stood in the background while buffy did her slayer stuff and saved the world, that wasn't okay with me. I wanted to be important,too. I'd never realized before, but a part of me was jealous. Not buffy..But of the slayer part of her, the glory of saving the day, of being powerful. but I hadn't grasped just how power could corrupt, if willed

But nothing my thoughts or feelings proved worked, I was guaranteed to do the first spell. the first spell of the rest of my life and I was even willing to lie to my friends and betray giles' trust to do it, something inside of me was so powerfully strong that it didn't matter, it was almost as if this power controlled me and wasn't just because of another spell I'd done or something that had brushed through me and never left, at times at night I felt like it was me. but I would never tell giles about this, I trusted him but he'd worry. he did know alot of powerful magics and he and buffy..They would blame themself for letting me do the spell to reinsoul angel, I didn't want them to feel bad. This was my problem now, and anyway, I didn't even look at it as a problem,afterall, I thought of this as a wonderful journey..an adventure, what was going to go wrong with that. and with that I began to with lighting incence and mixing it in a wooden box, it belonged to giles. I mixed with some other elements, most of which I had gotten from the Lab, even some eye of newt wich worked well with love spells, afterall, that was what this seemed to be, But it didn't say it. it wasn't like your nornmal love spells and I hadn't read the find print, I didn't think that it was that serious of a spell even though it was considered black magics and very powerful, being in this book and all, I paced myself as I was ready to start to chant, to bring my spell to life and make Xander mine once again.

Oh beautiful,thine moon,Oh most beautiful star,Oh brilliant light which I have in my myst,By the air that I breathe. By the breath within me. By the earth whichin I stand upon: I conjure thee by all of the names of the spirit princes living in you, by the ineffable and secret name tetragrammaton, and all of the other names of power.I conjure thee: Oh resplendant angel gabriel,like the planet mercury,prince micheal,and melchidael,I conjure thee: I chanted".

I conjure you again I conjure you again, by all the secret names of Tetragrammaton, so that you may send

the power to oppress, torture and harass the body, mind, and soul of Xander Harris,He whose name is written here. I fiinished my chant feeling the light flash around me as something passed inside of me, through me, as if I felt enchanted or something..and then it happened, the things. that which was going to be my punishment, magics punishment as the lights flickered and everything went black, little did I know was that it wasn't just inside,but outside, everything went to black of night. the light was gone.

I was alone in the dark, a part of me felt like I shouldn't have done that spell. I shouldn't have even snuck into giles' office and looked at a book I was forbidden to look at and I knew that I was busted now, sometimes spells have concequences, giles had warned me about this several tmes but I hadn't listened, I'd notice even buffy roll her eyes and say that he was beginning to sound like a broken record, and she was his slayer..But I knew he was going to be back anytime now and there was nothing I could say, he'd know that all of this happened because of a spell gone wrong and then he'd be mad at me..Funny, I hadn't thought of the concequences until just

Now, just now when it was too late. So I sat there near one of the tables in giles' office, sat there in the dark as I heard voices and footsteps coming closer, A person I recognized as Sneider with students..Buffy and Xander were with him as I lurked out of giles' office in the dark, Principal sneider had a large flashlight and looked extremely preturbed, as usual.

"Rosenberg", I should've known. Summers, you put her up to this. I know you won't admit to it..I'll find a way to prove that you had something to do with this"..Sneider roared out turning from me to buffy as he dissapeared leaving the three of us in the pitch darkness".

But even the dark I could feel buffys' eyes on me as if she'd already known that I had lied to her, and she knew that I had disobeyed giles as well. that was when I felt another presence in the door, somewhere near the door, silent, not saying anything stood giles, Rupert Giles, observing the situation and the fact that I still stood in the doorway of his office, of which I wasn't to be.

A candle then began to light giles' face in the dark but I still couldn't see Xander and Buffy too well, they were standing to the side of him now and I could tell that they were both backing up towards the door as if they knew Giles was mad and they knew he'd ask them to leave once the lights came back on as they both scattered on afew minutes later to see lights flicker back on, Even though it was still miserably dark outside, but giles didn't tell me to leave or give me the chance to sneak out like Buffy and Xander had, he'd been waiting for the lights to come back on, because he knew what had happened, he knew that it hadn't been just bad luck and a problem people had no idea about that turned the day into night and lost electricity for a few moments, it had been a spell, a spell with repercussions, the kind giles told me about all of the time.

Lets talk this over in my office..Giles admitted, his voice didn't raise, didn't lower. it stayed the same as if he was trying to be calm and not get upset for my sake and I didn't argue, I wanted to but I knew he was mad, I could see that much by the expression on his face and how his face paled with anger, I had betrayed his trust when he trusted for me to stay away from the things he held as too dangerous for me to touch and I hadn't listened, I'd purposely disobeyed and to giles that was worse than anything, even lying.

I sat in a small chair near the door, I knew that he was mad as he began to pace in front of me as if he was trying to control himself, I was beginning to feel terrible for what I'd done, I shouldn't have disobeyed Giles, he trusted me and i trusted him. and I'd lied to my friends,too. But I couldn't help it, it was like there was a hungry beast inside of me and it had to be fed, I craved magic all day long, wanting to do spells, not just simple spells but some powerful ones,too, I craved the power trip it took me on thinking that i was the only one that could feel this kind of power, that buffy was a slayer and there was no way physical fighting gave you this kind of feeling of power, Nobody would understand, I doubted that even Angel would, but I planned on visiting him when School was over, if anyone would see my side it would be angel, he never seemed to get mad or yell at anyone, maybe cordelia was right, maybe he was like a "teddy bear with fangs", although I knew there was alot I didn't know, Angel tried to tame the side of him that was the beast because of everything he'd done when he'd been angelus,but I didn't realize that he could be just as mad and concerned as Giles could..If I set him off enough.

"I can't believe you would do this", afterall of the talks we've had about magic and how dangerous it is. You knew..You knew why I put those books up, the reason I keep them in my office. for your own safety and you purposely without thought disobeyed me, you came into the library, into my personal office and you took that book and did a spell, you stole stuff from the lab without asking and you put yourself and everybody else in danger, I'm not even going to go into the fact that you lied to buffy and Xander..I am very dissapointed in you,Willow. I expected more from you..But perhaps I can't expect more, Perhaps you don't know that magic isn't a toy.."Perhaps it's time you learned",child..He groaned glaring at me".

I wanted to undo everything that had happened, I felt so bad for decieving giles, Buffy and Xander,Included. I just coudln't help it, something inside of me wanted it and I had no control, I had to do what I felt I needed to do,But I wandered if anyone would believe me. Afterall, it was hard to believe.

"Good", Don't talk..I"m going to ask you a question and you better answer it correctly and I hope to god,child that you haven't made a bigger mistake than I think you have, Magic always has concequences..How many times do I need to tell you thet before you believe me?! I want to know what spell you did and from which book..Giles paused passing me as he grabbed a book that hadn't been put away, it sat on the floor near a wooden box of ingredients that had already been used as he figured it out by the page the book had been shifted to and the ingredients in the box, his eyes bulged open with anger and worry as he flashed his eyes towards me with concern and rage.

"Leave"! he roared towards me".

I didn't. I just stood up wandering what was so important, why he'd seemed so different now that he'd figured out what the spell was that I'd cast, it hadn't seemed like that big of a spell at the time, I was sure whatever it was, he was overreacting, but he didn't seem to agree.

"You Foolish Child", You have no idea the forces you've beckoned, the power that you errupted. That spell you performed tonight. it wasn't a love spell like you thought, yes, I know the spell quite well, this book is special..Speicial. that's why I put it up, out of your reach and you deliberately disobeyed me..Well, the jokes on you. This isn't no love spell or a simple candle spell, this is a conjuring spell, A spell of power and away of controlling someone that isn't natural. Do you understand what you have done?! Do you! Do you know what the victimes of the spell are like when under it, they've got no will of their own, unlike love spells, their even more dangerous..Beasts..Primal-animal like who have one thought, and that is what you wish them to have.."Just Go", you disgust me. I can't believe your such a fool to do something like this"..I'll speak to you later..Giles growled out at me as I had no choice but to leave, I didn't know why but I got a feeling that there was more going on than me disobeying him and doing a spell more dangerous than most love spells, there was something he wasn't telling me, but I figured it was more warnings about how dangerous spells were so I decided to go, school was over anyway and I had planned to go and see angel, Angel would listen to me. he wouldn't brush me off and yell at me like giles did. and he wouldn't be judgemental and a know it all like buffy could be, he'd actually listen. he wouldn't get mad. and right now I believed that, that's what I really needed so I headed off, to find and speak to angel in his mansion, I wandered if I was wrong, if I set Angel off, would become just as mad as giles was now?, I wondered".

So,I did what giles said, I left and I felt bad that he was so hurt even though I knew there was something else, some other reason he was this mad but I didn't question it, I just left. Left without saying anything to anybody, not even an apology to Buffy or Xander, I felt bad for what I'd done, they were my friends, I owed them the truth but I knew that when I finally spoke to them it would be a quick apology, no explanation. No reason for why I needed to do spells and why it wasn't just a tool to use in a fight anymore..I feared that if I told them, they wouldn't understand..They wouldn't understand that I wasn't upset about this, a part of me even liked it..I wanted this. I wouldn't give up this power, not for anything and I wasn't willing to get into a fight about it now,either.

I found myself in the myst of the graveyard where buffy usually patrolled as I passed through it quickly, so quickly in fact I barely

saw the names on the graves as I passed them, I soon found the path that buffy usually took to Angel's Mansion and I followed it, I didn't know why but I felt that I couldn't talk to my best friends about this, I had to talk to someone who had darkness and had power in him. Angel would Know..he'd understand. so I planned on seeing if he'd help me, it was odd. usually Angel was just the boyfriend, buffy's ex,now. but he was our friend, even Xander had found a way to be nice to him and not hate him as much as he had, which was odd for Xander. but Angel wasn't his enemy anymore and he held no threat, afterall, He no longer dated Buffy, that made me sick, how he could just turn off his hate one minute and the next he could turn it back on like it was a mask you wore at halloween, it disgusted me because he could act so imature sometimes, Almost as if he was better than everyone, although he never talked to me like he talked to buffy, he was smart, that way.

Just then I realized that I didn't know how to approach him, Did I knock on the door? Did I just walk in as if the place belonged to me, I didn't know much about Vampire rules,anyway, so I just walked in, he was sitting down in the dark near the fire place holding a mug of what I figured was blood,him being a vampire and all. But he didn't notice that he wasn't alone, Buffy had told me before how intuitive with his surroundings he was and I wandered if he was doing something important and hadn't given any thought to the fact that I was standing here and he hadn't seemed to notice, but that showed how much I knew. he was aware from the moment I stepped foot into this mansion that I was here, he didn't even turn around to look at me before saying my name. "boy was that creepy", I thought to myself.

"Willow",he urged with surprise,but not that i was here but surprise that I would come to see him, I had to admit, I'd never asked him for help before but we had saved the world together with buffy, and he was at the bronze sometimes so maybe this wasn't as weird as it seemed".

"Yeah", I'm sorry if I interrupted you..I..I stuttered with nervousness as he smiled and patted the seat next to him which was an old petrified wooden rocking chair and I smiled willingly sitting next to him as he seemed calm and perplexed, almost happy, although not too happy,if you know what I mean. I willingly sat there as I began to tell him everythig that had gone on, how I'd decieved giles. How I'd lied to Buffy and Xander..and how terrible I felt.

He shifted in his chair turning to me, he didn't look angry or upset. just concerned and worried. he didn't yell, he used a soft, understanding voice. Just what I'd wanted, although I hadn't thought, I hadn't betrayed him, he had no reason to be mad, ofcourse he'd be kind and soft with me, I'd come to the right place..I told myself.

What you did was wrong,Willow. But you didn't just lie and decieve the people you care about, you put yourself in danger, There's no such thing as a easy and simple spell, all spells have concequences, most of them aren't good ones, magic is something powerful and I believe that magic does have a purpose, it's purpose is to only be used when there is an emergency..A battle..A fight. you use it for your own needs and bad things happen and I know you want to be a part of the solution, not the problem. I know you can do that..Now promise me you'll not touch those books again..Not even a glance. and if you promise me..Keep your promise..he urged to me with his full voltage smile as I solemnly agreed not knowing that by the time I got home,I'd have broken his promise,too".

After I promised, I vowed to myself to keep it although deep down I knew I'd break his promise because this power inside of me was even stronger than I thought it was and I didn't feel strong enough to fight it, maybe if it was surely an enemy, I would, but it wasn't. Not to me. I liked it. Even loved it. I'd never give it up, and that's why things were going badly.

"Thanks for coming to see me willow", Little does buffy know,I know alot. Even about magics and other power, I've been alive a long, long time and I've seen things most people couldn't imagine, good things, some bad. but I"ve seen how people who really care pull together, it makes it all worthwhile if you have someone that cares..Angel explained to me and I thought he sounded like a fortune cookie telling me what everyone else had but saying it calmly, he wasn't mad, not yet, I thought".

That night I didn't go to Buffy's house and explain how sorry i was, I didn't even know if she was mad, although she must've been, she had to be. if I were lied to by Xander or buffy I'd be furious, but I'd just went home to find an empty house as usual and I went to sleep finding that I couldn't stay asleep I yearned for some spell to perform but I had no spells, nothing. Nothing fun, anyway. I planned on doing what I promised Angel I wouldn't, I had to. He didn't understand, he was just like Giles..he'd never get it, maybe if I explained to him I had so much power inside of me now, maybe he wouldn't be mad that I was now decieving him,too.

It was a long night, but I never stopped thinking about what I was going to do tomorrow, never changed my mind, just slept with ease knowing that tomorrow I would have all of the spells I could want and they'd be powerful spells that would make me even stronger, make me even more powerful and needed as a scoobie, I could help buffy even more, she'd need me, she'd really need me. I'd be like her. I wouldn't be behind, following her like I had no life of my own, not that I looked at Xander that way, but I felt like that at times, I needed this I really did. I didn't care what Giles or Angel said, or even if buffy was upset, I'd soon have Xander, I did a spell earlier and he wouldn't want cordelia now he'd want me, he'd need me. and no matter what he really felt, even though I knew it was love..He'd love me, the spell guaranteed that, but I knew it was wrong, it was wrong playing with peoples' free will like this, like they were objects and not people, But I loved Xander. I'd rather die than to see him spend the rest of his life with cordelia.

Stepping inside giles' office, it was early in the morning and I knew that he wasn't around, I knew that what I was doing was wrong, very wrong but somehow, I didn't seem to care. it's funny how cold I could be and how I liked it. Why did I like it. I questioned myself in confusion and utter shock", who was I turning into?

Grabbing hold of the black, leather forbidden book I headed out as if this was something I'd done a million times, I'd just stole from giles and I had decieved Angel. What would he think of me now? I pondered the thought but I didn't get out with the book, just as I walked down the hall I came face to face with Giles and Angel, I didn't know how Angel had gotten here in the daytime, perhaps there had been enough shade, but they were both staring upon me with disgust.

"I think you better go back to the library", and wait for me..Giles demanded as his face paled and the vein in his forehead stood out with rage".

"Us"..Angel added as I 'd never seen the vampire so mad before", I never believed that he had it in him".

As I walked away to the library I saw buffy standing there, I didn't see any compassion or pity in her eyes for me, just stared at me, then at angel as if she had seen angel mad many times and that it took alot to upset him but when you made him angry, he was like a timebomb ready to Launch and Giles", I knew quite well what giles' was like mad, but I hadn't seen nothing yet.

I could see buffy step closer to the door as It slammed shut behind Angel. she seemed perplexed and confused, but most of all hurt and worried. and I felt bad for that. I'd been the one who had made her feel so hurt, it was me. Why did I do this? I knew I woudn't have gotten away with it? I stole from giles. I lied and decieved angel, but Angel would understand, wouldn't He? By the way his mood was going I was guessing that, that was a "No".

Giles didn't pace this time, he didn't do anything. he just at his desk with a look of dissapointment and worry on his face, this time it was more worry than anything, like he truly did know something that I didn't, something that I would soon find out but he didn't make it easy for me because I was worried, the worry was readable in his eyes but everything else about him made me think that he'd never forgive me, he was mad..On a rampage-mad. but he didn't say anything, nor did Angel. I saw angel standing agains the wall behind Giles' at his desk, his face had paled so much, even more than usual with him being a vampire and all, it was almost unreal looking.

" I can't believe this", you disobeyed and decieved me yesterday and today", what do you do? you steal from me? Willow out of everybody I trusted you to have alittle respect for other peoples' things, I told you "No", I told you that the book was dangerous and that I didn't want you to be near it,but you didn't listen to me, and Angel has been telling me that you went to talk to him, that you thought that he'd be easy on you, yes he was easy. he trusted you and tried to get you to a point where you'd listen and realize that there are darker forces of magic that could hurt you and the people you care about

but you didn't listen and now..I'm not just mad. you decieved Angel when he was trying to help you.."he's mad",too..Giles concluded as I felt bad for now he wasn't yelling at me, I could tell that he was really dissapointed and clearly mad, I could see the rage in his eyes but he didn't allow his anger to get the best of him, atleast not this time.

"You lied to me", How could you? you promised me and you lied. Damnit Willow..Can't you see what's happening? don't you know what power this holds. Angel growled out at me as if Giles wasn't in the room and we were alone as he paced', I"m not just dissapointed in you..What you did was wrong. You decieved us..and you stole from giles..I want to know who that spell was on and I wanna know now, I wasn't asking questions last night because I thought you'd listen to me when I told you how dangerous it was.. but I guess you didn't. "Who was it",Willow..he said my name with a profound disgust, a disgust I'd never heard him use before".

I didn't say anything and he began to pace as I watched as Angel's fist went into the wall taming his frustration.

"Okay", I understand your anger. I'm angry too but do you need to destroy my office in the process"..Giles told angel as I knew I had to tell them".

"Xander"

the spell was for Xander"..I concluded honestly to the both of them".

"Xander", you'd do this to your friend.."She needs help Giles", you know what i mean..Angel groaned towards giles..Giles had stepped out into the library and was pacing, he needed to be somewhere that was away from willow, he couldn't believe that she'd do a dangerous spell like this to one of her friends, "Why"? maybe angel was right. Maybe I was sick".

"I know you think this is the right thing to do and everything, Willow", I know that your lost. But you need to talk to me and giles before Any more spells come into this. We're your friends and we're trying to help you. But you're doing is dangerous, you put Xander in danger, this isn't a simple love spell, giles showed the spell you did to me and I'm not sorcerer or Warlock but I could tell that it was a powerful spell, you don't want to lose yourself to this, you want to listen to us and believe what we're telling you, the magics are powerful, willow. We need to know when this started..You need to tell us what's been going on..Angel demanded of me as Giles came back inside alittle bit more calm and collected, although he was still upset, he was two minutes from getting angry again".

I didn't know whether I should tell them but I was beginning to realize that I didn't have much of a choice, it wasn't like I hadn't lied to Giles and Angel..It wasn't like I hadn't stole from giles and decieved everybody, I owed them something for the way I'd been behaving, I knew that if my father found out.."Ira Rosenberg", wouldn't like his only daughter toying in dangerous forces and stealing from people", There had been a time I'd think that he wouldn't believe and would be like a normal parents but I knew that my father had experimented with dark stuff in college, he'd told me before, when he'd first noticed me doing spells, he'd gave me a stern warning, to be careful. Sounded like a fortune cookie", kind of like Angel and Giles now. But what I didn't know was that my parents already knew and they were keeping quiet for a reason.

"When I did the spell to reinsoul Angel"..I began".

"And"..Giles called for me to go on while angel stood there and listened as if everything he thought relied on what I revealed right now".

"When I woke up in the hospital and I found out that I was okay and not dead or anything I tried to reinsoul angel again and it worked, something powerful went through me and it didn't leave. it's still inside of me. it's so powerful giles and I do like it. it makes me a part of the scoobies,it makes me matter. but it's like a second person inside of me, it longs and feeds on the magics and I have to give it what it wants. it whispers to me in the middle of the night, begs be do things I wouldn't normally do. "It's so powerful", Giles..I began intoxicated by all that was powerful and "Mine".

"Too powerful"..Angel put in as giles looked more serious and concerned than ever".

"Angel's right", nobody should have that kind of power", your sick willow, this power is inside you because of what I allowed, I should've never allowed it. I should've done the spell myself", but I was afriad. Yes", adults can be afraid,too and I was. I'd been to a place in my youth, you've heard of it when I created the demon with Ethan, I did terrible things with magic, things you couldn't imagine, I was lost in the darkness of it all and I had to rely on the council and "My father", to help me because I went through just what you're going through right now and I'm so terribly sorry that I didn't do the spell myself", it's dangerous and powerful.."Gypsy magic is the worst"..I think we should send you somewhere, somewhere where you can get the help you need. "I think it is for the best"..giles told me as I didn't want to leave my family and Friends", I couldn't leave".

"I don't think that's the best option", I think me and you could work together to help willow"..I just don't know if sending her away to a new town and a special place like that, it might do more harm than good..Angel told angel as I hoped angel won the arguement, I didn't want to leave".

I left them to their thoughts as I left", this time without the book I'd tried to steal, I'd found my home and stepped into my house when I saw that the sofa had been turned towards the door and my father sat there", he wasn't smiling. there was nothing pleasant about the expression on his face. "What had I done"? I mean", I knew what I'd done. Giles and Angel hadn't growled at me all afternoon because I had done nothing wrong but this was my father", he'd known I was doing magics before because he'd done it when he was young", but this couldn't be about that", could it?

"Willow", I've had a long and interesting Chat with Angel..My father began".

"You know angel"? I enquire shocked".

"ofcourse I know Angel", he is an old friend. he's been telling me some interesting things about you, he's worried willow and with what he said this afternoon, I am too. I told you that when you started to get into this magic stuff that it was dangerous and that you shouldn't get too far into it but apparently you didn't take what I said seriously and now it's inside of you and it's powerful. I'm sure your feeling it's power. he explained to me that he's concerned that we'll have to send you away to get better and I was almost agreeing but I had a better idea, So after he called I made alittle call to the coven and told them about it, their a powerful magic source, they know what is going on and they deal with things in the proper way..I don't know just how they will deal but they helped me so it can't be that bad. I will call angel back and tell him what I told you..That's all I wanted to say,Willow.."I'm trying to help you"..my father began as I didn't know what to say, I was alittle upset but atleast nobody was shipping me off to somewhere else like I was a crazy person", I was just powerful. Why didn't people envy and respect that I was important and special like that".

i didn't say anything, I just turned from him and raced upstairs to my room to be alone with my thoughts, the thoughts nobody thought important but me. it was a long night of trying to ignore my thoughts, I'd begun to wander if giles and Angel could be right", was I in way over my head.

Morning came quickly, I didn't eat much, my mother was on another one of her book tours but my father was home, as he had been last night. he sat at the kitchen table watching my every move.

"I'm only doing this for your own good", you'll understand in the long run..my father began from the kitchen table as I ignored him and stepped outside rushing to school which was only afew blocks", sunnydale wasn't really a big town, it was very small in size.

I walked by the nurses' office seeing buffy with a bandage on her arm as she walked out to greet me, she didn't look happy. she was so dissapointed', I could tell. and I knew that giles had told her what I'd told him and Angel. and I knew that she knew something else that I didn't.

"I understand that your going through alot", giles and Angel talked to me about it. "I should've never let you do that spell", I was stupid. but what you did with Xander", that Spell. he's attacking anybody who says anything bad about you", will..this isn't working. "Can't you reverse it"? Buffy asked me and I knew she'd heal fast", but that wasn't the point.

"Giles says the spells in those books can't be reversed". I wish I could. I never wanted to hurt anybody..I admitted walking away and I knew buffy wasn't mad but she was dissapointed, she expected more of me".

I looked back once more but I saw that buffy had turned away and returned to her locker, she seemed alittle bothered but I wasn't sure whether it was the fact that Xander had attacked her because of me or if it was something else, I'd noticed that she really hadn't been herself lately, Like me, she'd changed too but I'd been so bothered with my spells and magic stuff that I hadn't realized that hard times were all around, not just for me. But for buffy,too.

I'd went through the day as if I'd been in a cloudy daze, nobody really said much to me, Except Xander who followed me around like I was his shadow, things were quite silent, Soon Lunch was upon me and I sat at a table near buffy and Xander, Well, buffy anyway. Xander wasn't around. I figured he was still in his in class finishing an assignment or talking with a girl in the hall as sometimes he tried to do, maybe he'd found cordelia and they were on there way. the last person I wanted to see now was cordelia but I was starting to think that the way I'd acted had been wrong. I didn't mean to hurt anybody..Not Buffy. and Especially Not Xander.

Buffy sat with me at the table but she didn't seem happy, she didn't really even talk to me much, every once in a while she gave me a distasteful look that told me she didn't like where I'd been and what I'd done, but she never said it and I knew that she wasn't speaking of the fact that I stole giles' book or that I'd lied to Angel, her and Xander included. it was the spell that had made Xander Dangerous, hurt him. it disgusted her, I could tell that she was only sitting with me out of pity and I felt terrible, I apologize a million times but she didn't even associate my attempt, saying nothing as a fight broke out in the cafeteria, I hadn't realized until buffy turned with curiosity to observe that Xander.."My Xander", had started it. "What would make him do that", and with Larry? I questioned myself wondering If Larry had made the mistake of saying something about me just as buffy had, I followed buffy over as buffy pulled both guys apart but Larry was the one on the ground, bleeding, and unconcious, buffy held xander by his arm..

"Enough"..She growled looking at Xander with pity and sorrowful eyes and once he was gone, forced down the hall to snieders office by teachers who had observed the fight and had called 911 because the school nurse wasn't going to work to make Larry better, he was seriously hurt and Xander had assaulted him, he was in big trouble.

"I wasn't going to say anything", You're destroying everything,Willow. Everything. Do you see what Xander just did..Do you see. "You ruined him", Larry could die..Buffy snarled as she shook me violently as if I was the vampire and she was my enemy, not my best friend", I was scared. Was buffy right, Had I destroyed Xander's life..Had I put Larry in the hospital. Was it me who should be taken away by the teachers and turned over to the police.. "Nothing made since anymore"..

I didn't say anything as buffy kept shaking me and that only made her even more angry, I felt like I was going to pass out, I'd never been on the recieving end of buffy's brutal slayer tactics.

Things became a blur and I was starting to get dizzy as I could giles' voice coming towards us..

"Buffy", Buffy No..I heard giles' voice call out with a stern anger but it wasn't for me this time, it was for buffy and as I was dropped onto the floor I gazed up in despair seeing as Giles grabbed buffy sternly by the arm dragging her off to what I supposed was the his office in the Library, I had been forgotten. "It was always buffy"..I murmurred silently to myself as everything went black".

Opening my eyes, the light was so bright. Too bright and I was instantly scared. I didn't know what of but my best friend had turned against me and nobody had cared enough to ask if I was okay, where was I? I wasn't in school anymore, that was for sure.

It took afew minutes for me to get my vision back and see things clearly as I realized that I was in Giles' office but there was no giles, it was me and Angel. I noticed angel sitting at giles' desk talking on the phone, I didn't know who he was talking to but it became pretty clear that it was giles and giles had left him here with me, I didn't recall giles or buffy carrying me back here. Buffy had been so mad at me, on a rampage. "Had it all been a dream", I questioned myself as if I didn't know the difference between a dream and reality but deep down I knew that it wasn't a dream and that Xander had really beat Larry nearly to death, Larry had been rushed off to the hospital and police had picked up Xander and took him away after he'd been expelled from School, I learned all of this by listening to Angel's conversation. "But of all people", why would Giles leave angel with me in his office. Had something happened.."What was going on"? Where was buffy"? I thought nervously", I feared my friends would never talk to me again.

"He's on his way", Giles. I called Ira as soon as I had a chance",too. Don't be mad at willow. I don't think she knows what she does..I think she is oblivious to everything around her. the power is inside of her, you of all people know what that's like and power isn't always good, sometimes too much power can corrupt and give people bad judgement", I don't know too much about money and man-power but I know about inner power and how it can make everything seem fun and challenging but it's sometimes a bad thing, too dangerous. I know that none of us are happy about what has happened with Xander and buffy..and it is her fault, she performed the spell all by herself, But I don't think tough love is the way to get to her, it's only going to make her more upset..It'll make her want to try more dangerous spells than the one she tried. I talked to Ira earlier and he said that he's coming to pick her up and that he wants to talk to me alone. "Maybe Ira can work this", afterall, he is her father..I heard angel talk to somebody of whom I knew was giles".

I was sitting up wrapped in a leather Jacket, it must've been angels' as he then hung up the phone realizing I was awake and other than yelling at me and blaming me, even physically challenging me like buffy had he decided to be calm and supportive because he knew that it had stopped being something I could turn on and off and he knew that I needed their support, even though buffy was still upset and hurt by what I had done to Xander and the results of my spell putting Larry in the hospital. I felt terrible, like a bad person altogether but I also felt lucky and grateful, Angel didn't treat me like a criminal or a junkie to magics. He treated me with care, like the first time before he'd gotten upset about me lying to him.

"You slept all night here", I was concerned..Angel told me as I began to panic forgetting that my father was on his way".

"I didn't go home last night"? My father is home. He'll be worried. I began as I figured I'd created enough trouble", I didn't want to put my father in a bad mood and make him ship me off for sure", afterall he'd already contacted somebody at some Coven in England".

"Oh", don't worry about that. Your father is on his way here. He had business meeting in L.A., he said he should be here within the hour. I called him last night and he'd thought it best for you to stay here and for us all to talk when giles gets here, he's running acouple errands in town. Angel explained to me as he smiled trying to be charming so I'd stop with the tears and the shame", even though I rightly should feel guilty", he wouldn't allow it. I could understand why buffy fell for him so.

"What happened to Xander, It's my fault"..I challenged feeling like I'd been brought out of a dream and forced into that ugly reality where I had desttroyed everything, the place of which I didn't want to be".

Angel didn't change his emotions, kept quiet and calm, smiling at me as if I was made of glass and he didn't want to destroy me, but I was already destroyed. the things I'd done, the people I'd hurt.."Who was I"? I challenged myself in my mind", How could I have done this"?

"without this power", I know you wouldn't do the things you've done. We haven't always been close but now that we are friends I've seen thinks about you and I have been told I am a good judge of charactor, I know that the real willow wouldn't hurt anybody she loved, not me. Not Giles..and especially Not Buffy or Xander. there is power that is bad, to where some power is good and helps you do what you need to do, what you have to do in able to live and achieve any goal you want to, but there is bad power that seems good and controlled, even fun and Adventurous. but it takes it's toll, eats you up inside and you don't even realize what is happening until it has happened, the power changes you before you can even see it. you start to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do, lose sense of your values and morals and then you make a big mistake that is a lesson and wakes you up, makes you see what's really happening, this power is stronger than you are willow. It's not your fault that it went bad and you didn't know how to stop it, but it is your fault that you didn't tell anybody right away and I'm not a pathetic Vampire that doesn't know anything about things that happen around me, like buffy seems to think, I know alot. I've lived a long time and I know how strong some power can be, I've done spells before and to be honest with you, I don't like them much, their dangerous and dark, Like something rotted and bad..and no matter how good your intentions are to begin with", Darkness finds you if your not careful. But this isn't all your fault, yeah, you should've told someone and not done that spell..But I'm just as much to blame as you are..I deserve some of the blame and guilt, It was me you reinsouled when the power found you..your first spell was a dark spell,Willow. so the darkness of it seeped into you and it made you want that kind of a rush, that kind of power. "I know power", it's even more dangerous and hard to control than the power that's inside of you. Do you think that just because I have a soul that there aren't thoughts brought on by angelus, he's always inside of me but it's the good in me. My soul..the person your talking to now that controls it and says know. "Being Angelus is like being on a drug", and I wanted more and more..once you can control it you realize where the true power lies. and that's what you need to do, but you can't do it alone, that's why you should've told someone, It doesn't matter if you were saving us from guilt, things come up and you hurt people if you're not truthful. I've spent two Centuries of decieving and hurting people I loved, not just physically and death-wise, but emotionally and I know what it is like to be empowered like that. but it's bad and wrong..spells can be good, but you have to use them right or they won't. Now giles wanted me to give you a head start on what's going to go on. He didn't want you to hate him because he cares about you and is feeling bad for what is going on and he doesn't want you to go down the same path that he went on..so I'll enlighten you..he explained to me and I was startled", what was he saying? Were they sending me away.."No", they couldn't send me away, not like this. Not with buffy mad at me and Xander in trouble..Not with all of my mistakes giving me no friends where I was alone. "They couldn't just dismiss of me like that.."Could they"?

"What's going on"? I enquired wanting to know, fearing it was that I was being sent away and there was nothing I could do about it".

"Don't act so frightened", Your father contacted the coven like he told you and the Coven contacted the Witches Council and they've been reviewing this information carefully, their concerned for your well being and t hey don't like a such a huge amount of power going on unchecked, power that could be being used wrong and cause trouble..Bad things to happen..So they contacted giles with information and instructions and he's coming to share it with us, your father included. "Don't be mad with them",Willow. they only did what they had to.."For you". your father felt bad about calling the coven, he thought that he could try and convince you, help you himself. but it obviously wasn't working. Angel explained to me as the door opened as giles walked in followed by my father, this was a meeting of minds so to say.."Buffy wouldn't be around", even if she was allowed, I doubted she'd wanted to. it still disturbed me that buffy had attacked me, like some stray animal, as if I was a vampire. "I figured that giles had yelled at her", i remembered him calling her away just before I passed out", he hadn't seemed happy about her going all slayer on me..In front of everybody in the cafeteria.

"Willow",Sweetheart..I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I was in a meeting and I've been very concerned about you, young lady. We're trying to help you. We're doing our very best..My father promised sitting beside me on the small sofa I'd been sleeping on just a while before they'd arrived".

"and nobody is upset with you right now", I am worried and I was angry that you would steal and lie..But I'd never thought this could happening and it is dangerous, it's even more lethal than if a normal person is addicted to gambling, or drugs..Even Alcohol.."It's an addiction", the most dangerous of all. and everyone just wants to help you..and buffy is sorry for attacking you yesterday. she didn't know. She didn't know that it wasn't you're fault and that it was connected to a power you cannot control. That your too weak to fight this power.."I talked to her and told her that no matter what she is not to use violence like that again..She said she'd talk to you later after we're done talking, I have already told her the news so she's prepared..I called her at home before I came here and I persuaded the cops to release Xander by persuading Larry not to press charges, for some reason he was easy to oblige and help. So you see, nothing is as bad as it was before..nobody's lives are ruined,Willow, no matter how destroyed anything is, it always can be fixed and we're going to help you.."I spoke with the witches council", I know you've never heard of such a thing. I've never had to bring it up..Ethan's Father runs it and the academy that was formed to follow..I spoke with him and he seemed adament that I was in the wrong for leaving you without proper training and he is sending out a watcher for you..but all watchers come with overseers, he hasn't yet told me who will do the job, but I'm due to meet with them tomorrow in the lunch hour, you can join me and buffy, I'm just going through some training stragedies with her tomorrow to prepare her for things that come..your watcher will do about the same thing as I do, he will prepare you but not to fight with physical force but he will train you how to fight back with magics, how to use magics properly and control it. and the overseer is here only to take care of the more difficult things, schooling, schedules. Watching over you and reporting back to the base which is the witches council, his opinion is the middle opinion..the middle man..Last decision is always "Charles Raynes"..I think this will be good for you, you will be helped and you will have duties, things to shape your skills. "I really do think that this is for the best"..Giles told me as I was nervous", yet relieved that they weren't sending me away but this was something that would be nice", I'd be more like buffy. I'd have a destiny, I hadn't realized before but I was truly jealous of the slayer in buffy and I wanted to be powerful, to control things, to be looked up to the way everyone did to buffy when there was a monster or the end of the world. "I wouldn't to help more"..I guess now I was getting my wish, but I thought to myself", Would It be all that I thought would be"?

That night I slept, I'd had a long day upon listening to the news and chanting a peace spell that Giles had given me, he said that it wasn't the type of magics that I was used to , it was the place where magic came from. Pure and good magics so I did the spells done with white rose petals and incence and in no time I calmed down and could rest, but I was still worried about tomorrow, things had seemed to be better with buffy and giles was holding Xander in the cage in the library until my recent spell passed to ensure nobody else got hurt, his parents were always drunk and oblivious to if there son was coming or going, so it was easy to do it without getting parents involved and my mind was at ease knowing that Xander wouldn't hurt anybody else and the spell would pass in a day or so, atleast that's what giles had said after he'd talked to Charles Rayne, who worked at the witches council saying that things would be cleared up shortly and that there was no need for alarm since Xander was caged and couldn't get out, Oz had volunteered to watch him, this being one of the weeks

there wasn't a full moon and he didn't need the use of the cage, himself. I hadn't spoke with Oz, but he'd invited me to the bronze where his group was performing so I was sure he wasn't mad, I'd gotten the first flier, Devin had given it to me saying that Oz was too busy the first night he'd returned, I knew why. he had been caged up, it had been a full moon. I was starting to want to break up with him, I really did care about Oz, I cared about him too much and I didn't want him to get hurt, I was becoming so powerful and I knew that it was dangerous, Even though buffy had told me at lunch today that I shouldn't make that decision, Oz should. Maybe she was right. maybe it was his opinion and choice whether he wanted to keep on doing this even though I'd made mistakes with spells. "It was his choice", completely.

Most of the time when we had been in the library Xander sat in the cage throwing books at the door, pleading for giles to let him out. That he was as normal as normal could be, but he was normal, most of the time. but people had a tendency of having a mind of their own and saying things that would set him off, anything that dissed me would upset him and get him in trouble again and the next person might not be as understanding and forgiving as Larry had been, Giles had told him to sit down and observe and that it wasn't right that he was locked away but it was necessary until the spell wore off, he didn't understand what giles was saying because it was part of the spell, anyone under it couldn't understand that the spell even existed and I knew that once he came out of this, Xander would hate me. I remembered his bout with magics last year, how he'd made a mistake and never wanted to again, he hated what spells had done and the fact that I loved him and he loved me and I had put him in this kind of a position, hurt him. I couldn't cope if Xander never forgave me. "Why would he"? I'd tortured him..hurt him. I'd made him hurt other people, even Buffy. "I didn't deserve forgiveness", I muttered to myself in my sleep as morning began to peer through the windows of my room, I could hear my father downstairs talking to my mother who had gotten home late last night, he had told her everything and now they were arguing about it..i could hear them, for they were yelling so loudly, people outside could even hear them.

"I knew it"..I knew it. You introduced her into this world Ira. This is your fault. she'd be normal, going through normal stages in her life but for all of these supernatural nonesense.."Your not sending my daughter away", it doesn't matter what she'd done..and as far as this "observer", or watcher.."you better hope they help our daughter"..I heard my mother shout, she was enraged".

"I never said anything about sending her away", I sent for help because we'll lose her otherwise..and you don't give me altamatums, Sheila..Willow will do what she's asked and she'll make us all proud", she'll turn this all around. she's a smart girl. look at all she's acheived. She's going to forget about the magics or atleast be able to control it and she'll graduate high school and she'll go to Yale or Harvard..Our daughter will acheive all of her goals, she's so smart. "I know she can do it", you should too. this is only a bump in the road and these people are wise, they know spells and magic and they know how to help people control it. "they helped me and I'm a successful Judge", I wish we could both be here for her today when she meets these people, but I can't. I have a court date today and I have to be present and you have a seminar.."I left her some donuts and juice"..and I left her note. Now can we stop arguing, atleast for the car-ride..Ira told my mother as things grew silent and I suddenly heard the front door slam behind them", I knew they were gone. they never really stayed for long..Just long enough to visit for afew days and go about their business..They were successful people and sometimes I felt like the second fiddle to them, but I knew that it wasn't there fault, they were trying to support me, give me the best..I respected and loved them for that.

I found my pink fuzzie top in my dresser drawer with a crocheted blue and white house on the front and a long blue jean skirt that would go all the way down to my ankles, it was one of my favorite things to where, one of my best outfits as I fitted my shoes on and rushed downstairs with my books, I barely took a bite of my chocolate donuts with pudding inside as I then sipped the orange juice, drinking it until it was gone, it gave me the energy and strength I needed to get through the day, even though I was terribly nervous about today, I felt as if I was seeing things through buffy's eyes and not my own, today I would have a destiny, a purpose. "I'd be able to help buffy more"..I'd be buffy's right arm.."Just as important"..I told myself with excitement although I didn't realize what I was getting into and that it no longer had to do with buffy.."It was all me".