Anywhere But Here

(AN**Hi! Just a note to readers that I have moved this story here to make it easier to find. All stories on this account are 'K' or 'T' rated.)

XXXXXXXXXX

With deep reverence, my lips moved in the shape of my promises. I sought to honor my love for those fallen, to make myself a slave to their needs. I forgot my own desire and the heart that beat within my breast. And forgotten, it beat on its own, even after my promises collided and it should have been stilled.

XXXXXXXXXX

Chapter 1: Pieces of a Shattered Heart

"Kuchiki Taichou?"

He didn't want to open his eyes, didn't want to see the sweet, concerned face of Unohana Taichou leaning over him. He wasn't supposed to be here, lying in a hospital bed, bandaged from throat to waist, surrounded by agony as much in his mind as in his ravaged body. He should have gone to join his wife and parents in death. Instead he lay in the fourth division, the pain in his body secondary to that in his badly shattered heart. He didn't want to look anyone in the eyes…didn't want to have his failures thrown in his face.

But his failures were everywhere, it seemed. They were reflected in the kind eyes of the fourth division taichou and the healers who tended his wounds, in the body that had failed him and continued to do so every time he sought to move. It was in the ghostly presence of his fukutaichou who sat by the door, downcast and cutting away absently at a piece of wood…and it was in the lack of power he felt to control any aspect of his current existence.

He couldn't affect anything. He couldn't make Unohana Taichou's kind eyes go away and leave him to his misery, couldn't shut out the whispers of the other healers who leaned over him, whispering when they thought he was asleep. He couldn't make his fukutaichou abandon him to his sorry fate and couldn't climb out that damned bed and flash step away.

So he left it behind by sinking into his mind. He gave Unohana polite glances when she came, ignored the words of the other healers, even when what was said was painful, patently ignored the shadowy figure at the door and sank into blankness.

It worked for a while.

Until Rukia walked into the room.

Then all Kuchiki Byakuya wanted to do was to disappear.

He had told her everything, had given her a truth he had promised never to tell. He had broken his promise to Hisana…had proven himself as unworthy of her love as he had always felt. And he had apologized, so why did she keep coming to him? Why did she sit by him for hours as he slept? Why did she keep talking to him as if she cared anything about what happened to him now? She should hate him for everything he had done, the lies he had told himself, her, everyone…and for the broken promise to keep her safe.

Being pierced by Gin's blade wasn't nearly enough to pay for his mistakes, for his foolishness, for how badly he had let himself be deceived.

He should, he thought, flash step to Hueco Mundo and get Gin to finish the job. Not that he hadn't tried to be thorough, but his target had been Rukia, and the fact that Byakuya had been flash stepping at blinding speed was the only reason he hadn't been killed immediately. He knew it had been close. Had Aizen Sousuke been a bit more into the telling of the tale of his betrayal or had their exit been delayed for any reason, his servants would have been hollowing out the place where he would be lying in permanent repose and Rukia would, very ironically, be mourning him.

"Kuchiki Taichou, Rukia is here to see you. Shall I allow her in?" asked Unohana Taichou.

He didn't know why she even bothered asking. She was going to send the girl in no matter what he said, so he ignored the question, staring out the window and trying not to listen as her footsteps echoed in the hallway outside his door, her voice sounded as she greeted Abarai Renji, who still sat in his doorway, and as her steps carried her to his bedside. He could see her out of the corner of his eye as she sat down.

Perhaps she wouldn't try to speak to him. Perhaps his silence was getting through to her. He didn't want her here. He didn't deserve to have her sit so dutifully at his side. She should be off and residing with the friends who saved her, far from the bastard who had nearly let her be executed.

"Nii-sama…"

So she hadn't given up. He didn't know whether to be disappointed in her for her pursuit of such futility or if he should be proud of her for her resolve.

"Nii-sama, won't you please speak to me?"

I can't.

"Nii-sama, I don't understand why you won't say anything."

I'm far too ashamed of myself.

"If you are angry at me…I am sorry. Just tell me what I can do to make it right. I don't want there to be silence between us. The worst is over. It's time for all of us to heal. It's time for us all to make amends. So, whatever I've done, please believe me when I tell you I'm sorry!"

"Stop…"

He blinked in surprise. He hadn't meant to say anything.

"I'm not angry. But I want you to leave."

There was a long silence and he could feel her struggling with whether or not to obey him. Before, she would have been too afraid to refuse his orders…but this hadn't really been an order. It had, he realized belatedly, been phrased as a request. That left room for negotiation.

"No."

He turned and met her eyes directly.

"What did you say to me?" he asked quietly.

Her eyes filled with tears and her body trembled, but she forced her answer out with her head held high and her expression one of finality.

"I said no, Nii-sama. I'm not going to leave you."

And so he found himself with two ghosts tormenting him. And that was far too much for him to tolerate. He couldn't bear it anymore. He waited until darkness had fallen and the two ghosts had fallen still and slumped in their chairs, until there was a lull between healers coming in to examine him. Slowly, he worked his way to his knees and crawled across the bed, his head lowered against his body's complaints. He reached the window and slipped out, following the ledge to a place where he could work his way down. He knew better than to attempt to use his flash step or to just jump from the third floor. His spirit centers had shut down when he was injured. And that left him with no powers to speak of.

But he didn't need his powers to do what he was planning to do. All he needed was to stop in at the manor and to collect some more appropriate clothing. He wasn't especially happy about traipsing around in the middle of the night in the simple white yukata he wore, but there was no choice. His shihakushou had been shredded in all of the fighting and this was all he had left to him.

He dropped down to the ground and reeled for a moment as pain shot through his chest from the exertion of climbing down and dizziness swept over him. His legs shook and threatened to collapse, but he took slow, deep breaths and gradually regained his equilibrium.

He tried to walk in the shadows, although he didn't see anyone about. It was late at night, so most of the Seireitei was asleep. A few times, he thought he felt a trailing reiatsu, but with his spirit centers shut down, he couldn't be sure. He shook his head in annoyance and kept walking.

He knew the motions of the guards at Kuchiki Manor and had no trouble slipping in undetected, even without the use of his flash step. He moved down the silent hallway and into his room, then searched his closet and dresser for several changes of clothes. After gathering another few necessities, he slipped out into the gardens and waited until the guards passed by him, then he passed through the back gate and into the forested area beyond.

It was a relief not to have to mask his reiatsu as he walked the forest path. Now beyond guards and risk of discovery, Byakuya began to relax and just blend into his surroundings. The trail wound through the trees and emerged at the top of a grassy cliff covered in sakura trees. Amongst the trees was a large waterfall that spilled down into a large blue lake. He had to slow and work his way carefully down a set of switchbacks to reach the lake and the open meadow beyond.

The sun was rising by the time he reached the meadow and, anxious to avoid discovery, Byakuya worked his way to a stand of large oak trees that concealed another small trail. This one wound around and through the oaks, up and over several rises, then down into a well concealed valley. It was this valley he had sought, because of its remoteness and its beauty.

Now, this was a place that would promote healing. He found a small stream and followed it to where it entered a deep, cave-like depression in the side of a hill. He set down his provisions within it and went out to where long grasses grew in an open field. He used a field knife he had brought to cut some of the grass and carried it back to the cave. He used this to make a soft bed and then laid down to rest. The area was filled with berry bushes and the stream would provide fresh water and fish. And here, he was away from the clutter of emotions, the harsh memories and the ones who worried too much and tried to decide things for him.

He tried to sleep, but was kept awake by the throbbing in his chest. He had, he realized put too much strain on his body and now he was paying the price. But he didn't need to leave the cave any time soon. So now he could relax and focus on letting body and mind heal. There was nothing here to remind him of his failures…of his shortcomings…of his losses. His mind could go blank and unfocused here…could center itself on the beauty of the land around him by day and the moon and stars at night, and he would be able to force the unpleasantness away.

He rested there for a long time watching the clouds float by and listening to bird sounds. Gradually, the throbbing in his chest eased and he was able to drift off.

XXXXXXXXXX

Rukia shifted uncomfortably in her chair and slowly opened her eyes. She blinked several times, not wanting to believe that the bed beside her now stood empty. She looked out the window to where the new day was dawning and felt a deep sadness.

He was in pain and he was alone.

She couldn't stand to think of him being alone like that. Whatever he had or hadn't done, however he might have failed in his own eyes, Kuchiki Byakuya was still her brother and Kuchiki Rukia was not going to abandon him…not even with him being so convinced that he wanted and deserved to be abandoned.

She came to her feet and crossed the room to where Renji slept in his chair by the door.

"Renji?" she called softly.

The redhead let out a snore and didn't answer.

"Renji," she said again, prodding him.

There was still no response.

"Renji!" she said loudly, shoving him and sending him crashing to the floor.

"What the hell was that for?" he yelled, "Rukia!"

He stopped as he realized why she was waking him. He stared at the empty bed and then at Rukia, his face becoming solemn.

"Do you have any ideas where you think he might go?" he asked quietly, "You don't think he just went home, right?"

Rukia shook her head.

"And it will be nearly impossible to track him with his spirit centers shut down and not being able to use his powers. Renji…it's going to be really hard to find him."

"Yeah," Renji agreed, scratching his head and thinking, "I think we're going to have to do some searching around for clues if we're going to find him."

He looked out the window and thought for a moment.

"You don't think we should maybe just let him be?" he queried.

Rukia shook her head.

"He's alone and hurting. He's not in any condition to be wandering around on his own. We need to find him, Renji. We need to find a way to help him."

"Well, not that I think you're wrong or anything, but what if he doesn't want our help? I mean, we were here with him and he chose to leave. You don't think maybe we should take the hint and give him some space? He does have a lot to deal with."

"I know he has a lot to deal with. And while he does that, he needs to know that he has people on his side…people who care about him, Renji."

Renji thought for a moment and then nodded.

"All right, so we'll look for him. I can go by the sixth division and look for clues there and you can check out Kuchiki Manor. Even if he wanted to get away from it all, he had to have gone to one place or the other for clothing and supplies."

"Good thinking," Rukia said, starting out the door.

She reached the doorway, then paused, looking back at the redhead.

"Thank you, Renji," she said softly, "I know you and my brother had a terrible battle, but I also know that since Aizen Sousuke revealed his treachery, you have really tried to mend fences with him. And I appreciate that."

"Well…despite everything…he is my taichou. And I really misjudged his reasons for acting as he did."

"I think we all misjudged him. We need to find him and make him understand that he can lean on us…that we are here for him, and that, despite everything, he shouldn't blame himself."

"Yeah," Renji agreed, "We all made mistakes…all of us. It wasn't just him."

Rukia nodded and turned away.

"Meet me at Kuchiki Manor when you're done searching around the sixth division headquarters."

"What are you searching for?" asked a feminine voice.

Rukia and Renji stared as Yoruichi walked into the room and stopped, gazing at the empty bed.

"Oh," she said quietly, "I see. He pulled a disappearing act, did he?"

"Yoruichi," Rukia said worriedly, "he disappeared sometime last night and we aren't sure where he's gone. What we do know is that he was wounded too badly to leave the healing center and he really shouldn't be alone right now."

She lowered her eyes.

"I know you probably don't think he deserves our help, but he is my brother and, whatever mistakes he has made, I still love him."

Yoruichi looked back at him with understanding in her eyes.

"Actually, you're wrong in thinking that," she said, still looking at the empty bed, "I've been thinking a lot about what he said to you and I think I understand why he acted as he did. I think I also understand why he left like this. He's in a lot of pain and he's decided to handle it alone, away from everyone. But I'm with you, Rukia. I think we need to find him and talk some sense into him."

Rukia looked up in surprise.

"Did you say…we?"