Introduction
We all know the story of Final Fantasy VII. It's a tale of love,
sadness and corruption. It's probably the greatest tale ever told. But...
is it accurate? The tale is filled with confusion and holes. Many holes
that cannot be explained. Holes much like swiss cheese. I am here to say
that the Final Fantasy VII story is not about the battle against Sephiroth,
the war with Shinra or saving the planet in its time of need. Oh sure,
these make the story more flashy, more pleasing to the eye. It's filled
with amazing things never thought possible.
Now, let's go over the problems with Final Fantasy VII. First
of all, the story doesn't deal with this so called, "Cloud Strife". No,
FF7 (as some have called it) is about old Jim McFeatherburry. He's an old
goat farmer from the Kalm area.
The next problem is that many people believe that there were
all these crazy characters like Aeris Gainborough, Tifa Lockhart, Barret
Wallace and so many others. No, old Jim's team consisted of himself, Sarah
his special goat, Harry Smith and Jessica G. Merry. They were all close
friends from around the world. Of course, by around the world I mean by
Jim's next door neighbours. Fine, there are a few people who join him from
around the world, but I can't spoil the entire surprise, can I?
Of course there's the bad guy, Sephiroth. Look at the guy for
just a second. He wears a cool trench coat, he's popular around the women
and he has a big psycho sword. The guy is just so cool! Nope, never existed,
not for a minute. The real bad guy of this story was ugly, old and had
a large mutant fish that he attacked people with. His name was Olaf. They
changed him to the Sephiroth character because who would ever believe a
fish swinging, old guy named Olaf could be the really big evil bad guy.
So, we've established that Final Fantasy VII isn't all that it
seems. I'm just telling you all the truth, and the truth must be told.
I can't let the entire world live the lie that FF7 is. Now, you're wondering
how they got the masterpiece that is, Final Fantasy VII, out of some goat
farmer, a pack of neighbours and a fish swinging, old guy. Well, quite
frankly.. I don't know. Creative work from the "writers" I'd guess and
maybe a little bit of luck.
So, I guess you all want to know about Jim's great adventure
and how it gave life to the greatest story ever. It all happened many years
ago. Just think back, way back now. We're talking really far. No, no, no,
too far! There, that's absolutely perfect! Now, don't move and let me tell
the story.
So, we have Jim, his goat, Harry, Jessica and Olaf right? We
have the components of our story. Every story needs these or else it will
crash and burn. Okay, not every story but you know what I'm saying, right?
We have our mighty hero, a cute fuzzy thing who does no good, a tough guy
who's as strong as the hero, some girl and the evil villain.
You think we're done with this little introduction? Ha! Not likely.
The Final Fantasy VII world is pretty much the same. We have Kalm, the
peaceful little town, right by it is Midgar the huge city. Well, it wasn't
so much Midgar as Wigfarm and not so much as a huge city as a huge wig
district. Basically, the world capital was a big wig outlet.
That's not all that's different. The chocobo farm is still around,
the writers at Squaresoft wouldn't dare mess with those chocobos. They're
still the real deal! There's that big swamp where the Midgar Zolom lives.
However, it was more of a small lagoon with tiny little snakes called Wigfarm
Zoloms. However, they aren't relevant to the story so we don't have to
make much mention to them. Beyond the lagoon are those mines. These were
more of a huge hidden wig factory for Wigfarm. Fort Condor, never existed
but Junon did! It's still the same, just try to imagine it with polka-dots,
polka music, polka everything.
We all know that big huge Western Continent, right? Well, think
of it more like Western Mini-Continent. Actually, it was more of a really
big island. Okay, generally big. Fine, fine! It was kinda big in its own
way.
There was no Nibelheim, or a Corel Town. There was still Gold
Saucer though. However, it was called Bronze Bowl and closed down about
five years before the adventure started when the rides rusted and fell
apart. Cosmo Canyon was still around and so was Costa del Sol. However,
Cosmo Canyon was more of a big fishing town and Costa del Sol wasn't the
great vacation spot like in FF7. Well, it still attracted tourists, but
more for their Museum of Cheese and Rotten Ham. I know, not as sparkly
but remember, the people who wrote Final Fantasy VII exaggerated, alot.
Wutai, not there, never has been there, never will be there.
Oh sure, there are some legends that it has existed and still does but,
come on! No one believes the old guy down the street! Maybe he's right
but no one knows and no one really cares. So, who're we really going to
believe here? The old guy, the FF7 writers or me? I thought so.
There's that big ol' Temple of the Ancients. However, we'll soon
establish that the Ancients, or the Cetra, aren't all that they seemed.
The forested temple was much more of hut. Yeah, a little grass hut. We'll
find out more about this later on in our story.
Of course, there's Mideel. The town destroyed by Ultimate WEAPON.
Well, in actuality, Wigfarm tore them apart when Mideel tried opening Grandpa
Jeffrey's Wig Shop. Poor Grandpa Jeffrey, never could walk the same after
that. Or talk, or think, or.. anything really. That big old island is there,
the town is more of the remnants of the looming cloud of death and destruction.
Finally, we have the northern continent. Great place, it is!
Yeah, Icicle Inn is there, but it's called "Froofroo's Skiing and Snow
Hiking Death Trap". Wonderful place to go, bad idea to visit if you ever
plan on seeing your family ever again. There's the Bone Village but nothing
interesting has ever happened there since those monsters came and ate all
of the paleontologists. Best not to discuss that ever again. The Northern
Crater isn't really there. It's more of a digging site for more wigs. For
some odd reason, the people at Wigfarm thought there were wigs up there.
A few last notes to end this introduction. The WEAPONs of the
planet are more like the fuzzy stuffed animals of the planet. The Cetra
are kinda the same as in FF7. They're still the old race of people with
great powers and are in touch with the planet. Or, at least they were in
touch with the planet every Thursday and Saturday when they had their little
"private parties". I don't even wanna know what happened there, man. The
stink of week old alcohol wafted as far as Old Man Orson's Steak Shop.
The Cetra weren't so much an ancient race as the weird people who lived
a few blocks away.
There's nothing else to really say. All questions will be answered
in the true telling of Final Fantasy VII. This is the true story, the story
about what really happened. This is Final Fantasy Cheese!