Summary: Everyone left him behind, in the end. He suffered so much loss... but losing her had been the worst. Set after the events in Glue but before the epilogue. Recommended to read Glue first. KakaSaku
Warning: Mentions of Character death
AN: I will never understand why I have this fixation with writing angst, seeing as I hate sad endings. Anyway, I was rereading Glue, and I just felt so sad for Kakashi, I had to write this.
I recommend reading Glue first, because you might be slightly lost if you just jump into this, though it can stand alone, I guess...
Recommended songs to listen to: Utakata Hanabi - Supercell, Sakura - Ikimono Gakari
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
The One Left Behind
Why?
Why had he survived, while she had died? Why did he always survive?
Everyone left him, left him all alone, but he'd never felt more alone than now, as he stood in front of her grave, staring blankly at the kanji carved into the harsh, unforgiving stone.
"Sakura…"
He knelt down almost reverently, tenderly placing a hand on top of the gravestone (he remembered the times when he'd place his hand on her head in greeting, internally chuckling as she never failed to pout adorably and scold him for messing up her hair-).
"I miss you so much." I love you so much.
Why?
Why did I have to lose you, too?
Losing his mother had always left him feeling slightly empty, but he'd never remembered the woman who'd lost her life while bringing him into the world, so it hadn't hurt all that much. Losing his father had been worse, and had had a much greater impact on him, the pain of loss (and questions: Why? Why, Chichiue? Why'd you do it? Why'd you choose to leave me behind-?) lingering with him for years, decades afterward. Losing Obito had been just as bad, if not worse, because it had been tainted with questions (What if I'd done this instead? Maybe Obito would be alive if only I had-), and guilt, and the possibility of what their friendship could have been, after having a tantalising glimpse of the effortless teamwork they had exhibited, the way they worked together so flawlessly, even without prior experience, with new skills, new handicaps-
Losing Rin had nearly torn him apart. Not only because he had lost his last teammate, his closest friend, but also because he'd broken his promise to Obito, been unable to fulfil his dying wish, because he'd had to kill her with his own hands, his fist buried in her torso, staring into her eyes one last time (Kakashi, please, kill me, there's no way out, and they can't get me alive, I'm so sorry I have to ask you to do this…).
Despite that, even the loss of Rin had paled before the pain that had almost swallowed him whole when Minato-sensei had sacrificed himself for the village. (Why are you leaving me behind too, sensei? I thought we'd promised to stick together, you're all I have left, please, don't…) Despite his selfish thoughts, he'd had to nod stoically, say he understood, had to let his sensei go (to his death), had to deal with the knowledge that Kushina was dead, too, that many of his comrades and friends had also died fighting the Kyuubi…
He'd been so alone.
And so, he'd joined the ANBU. As he donned the porcelain mask, he'd also hidden himself away from the world, withdrawing himself from forming relationships (because everyone left eventually, left him behind, and each time, it became harder and harder for him to put himself back together-). As he committed more and more sins, bathing his hands in blood, sullying them for the sake of protecting the village, he'd felt himself slowly dying on the inside, losing the meaning of being himself, until eventually, the Sandaime could stand it no more, and persuaded him to leave the ANBU active duty.
And then they had come. She had come.
Like the sun, breaking through the thick cover of storm clouds, shining its warmth on the once freezing earth, she had appeared in his life, all smiles and laughter and innocence and Kakashi-sensei, what are you hiding under that mask-?
She had been like the sun. Always there, always providing warmth, even when you took it for granted, even when you sometimes wished it wasn't there, when the warmth became overbearing-
And like the way you suddenly stop one day and realise how thankful you should be for the sun, because without it, you'd be cold, and dead, he'd stopped one day (after his prodigious student had left to betray the village, after his sensei's son had left to train under someone else) and realised that he'd be utterly, completely lost without her constant presence, without her nagging, her concern, her never ending Kakashi-sensei, take better care of yourself, would you?
She'd made an adorable squeak when he'd suddenly hugged her the next time he saw her, before drawing away with an "Ah, Sakura, I thought I saw a poisonous spider on your back, so I just had to check, you can never be too careful, you know…"
And one day, when he'd been walking the streets as usual, he realised that she'd quietly, obliviously, made herself a part of his life, his heart, his thoughts… (Hmm, that's a nice dress, I think she'll like it- That green would go well with her eyes and hair- She seems stressed lately, how should I cheer her up-?)
The night he'd realised his feelings for her ran deeper than the normal teacher-ex-student-now-friends relationship, after he'd carried her home, because she'd passed out from having too many drinks (after drinking half the bar under the table), he'd gone back to his apartment and slumped in his armchair, his thoughts keeping him up for the rest of the night.
The days after that had been spent in happiness, happiness that he'd never known before. Somehow, just seeing her smile was enough to make his day, and he found himself letting her in even more, telling her secrets he'd never confided in anyone else, even as his world began to gravitate around her (or had it always done that, and he'd only now just realised-?).
She'd become his reason for living, the reason he fought, the reason he looked forward to returning home after every mission…
She'd never known of his feelings, of course. He'd never had the courage to tell her, and who'd want to be with him, anyway? He was too old, too broken, too scarred, she deserved better; though that hadn't stopped him from scaring away her potential suitors – he'd always been selfish, that way. But he continued on, certain that his decision to keep her in the dark was the correct one, was the best thing he could do for her-
Until that day.
He'd never regretted anything more intensely, more painfully than he regretted not telling her his feelings, as he looked down at her (too still, too blank, too dea-) expression, as he gripped her hand tightly in his grasp, as he felt the overwhelming anguish wash over him.
Losing his sensei had shattered him. But losing her… losing her had destroyed him, and without her, there had been no one to put him back together, because he couldn't put himself back together, not this time, this was beyond him, he needed his medic-
Getting up every day was a chore, as he dragged himself through life, the earlier happiness and lightness he felt a distant, painful memory, an experience lost forever. His world returned to darkness, as his sun had disappeared, had burnt out, burnt out from giving too much of herself, giving too much love, so much love that it had consumed her-
Everything was off kilter, tilted all wrong on its axis, because his world had lost its centre, and all he had to cling to, to live on, was the fact that Sakura wouldn't want him to give up, she'd want him to live on, to be happy…
…But how could he be happy without her?
He, who hadn't been able to save her. He, who'd been too weak, too tired, not good enough to save her (and didn't that just hurt so much, because maybe if he hadn't been late to everything, maybe if he hadn't been so goddamn lazy, if he'd spent that time on training instead, then maybe, maybe…)
How could he live on without her?
His team had been the answer. All of them had been crippled by her loss, yet they supported each other, just as she had wished, getting one another through the worst days, when all they wanted to do was just lie in bed, wallow in grief and memories and beg, beg her to come back, or at least let them join her-
His team had been the one to drag him away from training, to prevent him from literally working himself to death, prevent him from losing himself all over again, as they reminded him of happier times and what would Sa… Sakura want you to do, eh, Kaka-sensei? She'd kick your ass for being all emo like Sasuke, d-dattebayo…
In return, he'd helped to support the others, pull them out during their lowest moments, dragged Naruto to ramen stands (but not Ichiraku's, never Ichiraku's, because that empty stool that she had always claimed as hers would always haunt them, and it was too early for that…), even as he broke down after the first mouthful, the taste of ramen bringing back too many memories, of eating ramen with his beloved Sakura-chan, laughing with her, as the team tried their best to comfort him, commented on the… dubious implications of Sasuke's attire whenever he became too melancholic, providing a distraction for him that he'd always seize with a look of gratitude hidden deep in his eyes, planned their weekly 'team time' on Sundays…
His days faded into endless repetitions, of wake up, realise it wasn't a dream, she's gone, drag himself out of bed, stumble through his morning rituals, get food, train, train, train, visit Obito, Rin, Minato-sensei and his parents briefly, then it was his turn to visit her (they'd worked out a schedule, so she'd never be alone, so they'd be able to talk to her privately, it was the only thing he ever went to on time) talk to her as long as he could, before Sasuke showed up for his turn, train, get dragged to eat by Naruto and the others, reminisce about her during dinner, go home, sleep, repeat.
Which brought him back to this point, kneeling in front of her grave.
He slumped tiredly, resting both of his hands against the stone slab, feeling its chill seep through his gloves. He'd only ever allowed himself to be this vulnerable and unguarded in front of her, not anyone else, not even his teammates. With a sigh, he tugged down his mask, just breathing quietly, letting the breeze ruffle his hair and caress his bare skin. (Sensei, you should totally ditch the mask, I love the sight of your face- …Hm? Alright then, I'll do that, just for my favourite student… -Hey… don't tease me like that… we all know who's your favourite-)
He was tired.
Tired of living, tired of surviving while everyone around him died, tired of being left behind.
The exhaustion reverberated deep in his bones, and he felt it through every inch of his being. When would he finally be allowed to rest? Would she be there to welcome him with open arms? She'd better be, for what was heaven without his precious girl?
His most precious girl…
Droplets of water fell onto her gravestone, as they did almost daily.
Why? Why did you leave me behind too? I could have handled it, if it had been anyone but you…
I love you so much…
Can you hear me, Sakura? Please tell me you can, please hear this, because I was too cowardly to tell you this before, but I love you…
I love you…
The wind blew even stronger against him, and if he closed his eyes tightly and just let his imagination run wild, he could almost hear the echo of her voice, her scent, carried in the wind.
More tears fell.
I'm sorry I couldn't protect you…
He drew in a shuddering breath, as he yet again contemplated the irony of his situation – she'd always told him it was okay to express emotion, true emotion, not that partial mask of laid-back apathy he carried with him… If only she could see him now. But as always, he was too late.
"Sakura… Sakura…" He repeated her name like a mantra, the mantra by which he lived every day…
… because she was (had been, would always be) the glue that held him together,
And he'd pulled himself together again for her.
AN2: I hope you liked it! Because I actually cried writing this, and I didn't shed a single tear when writing Glue, even though it was extremely sad and hopefully touching. Yeah, please review!
XOXO
Ice