That's All I Need To Know
By Cailin Humphrys
I shivered in the cold night air. Why was I standing out here? Why had I agreed to meet Marius out here when I knew what he was going to ask of me? Because you love him, I answered myself. Because you live for him, you would die for him, and the only thing that keeps you sane in the this God-awful city is the fact that you have Marius...even if it's not in the way you wish it were. I smiled at the thought of Marius...his intellect, the way he said my name...he was the one thing that kept me going. It's a lot to live on, just love, when you're homeless and practically in rags; when the city you live in is the most dangerous place right now because it's on the brink of revolution. Suddenly, appearing out of the night mist like a ghostly figment, came Marius. He had pulled his coat tightly around him to keep out the chill, and his face was glowing. I resisted the urge to run to him and hug him...but times were different now. It's so strange that just a couple of weeks ago, he was my Marius...my friend Marius that I could just talk to about anything, anywhere, anytime. My friend Marius, who I was so comfortable with, that I loved so completely, who I hoped loved me in return...but now those dreams were dashed. Ever since he had caught sight of that girl...Cosette...
I sighed, and attempted to put a cheerful smile on my face for when he reached me. When he did, he leaned over and hugged me.
"Eponine, my good friend! You have no idea how much this favor means to me. You are the only one I would entrust such a favor to."
Inside his arms, I wanted to die-how could something so beautiful hurt me so? Why was I the one entrusted to this favor? Why couldn't he trust one of his boyhood friends...why me?
Forcing a smile, I replied, "Dear Marius, how could I refuse? You have always been there for me, and now I must be there for you. Now tell me, what is this mystery errand you wish me to do? You only told me it had to do with Cosette."
Marius' face lit up at the sound of her name. You could just see the way his entire face glowed whenever she was around, whenever she passed him in the city.
"Ahh, my darling Cosette-if only I could be with her now! Eponine-please take this hand-written message to her!"
As Marius let go of me and stated his request, I tried not to cry. Maybe, I thought to myself, if he knew how much this hurt you, then he wouldn't ask you to do it. But, I thought again, if you won't, who else would? It just seemed so unfair that I had to lead the existence I led, and also have to watch the man I loved long for someone else. I smiled bravely, and replied,
"Marius, I swear to you that this message will get to her." I tried desperately not to let my hurt show. Shivering again, I pulled what meager rags I had tighter around my frail body. Seeing this, Marius, peeled his coat off and put it around me.
"Here, take this-you're freezing. I only wish I could provide you with more."
Why was he being so kind? Why must he be so loving and gentle? Tears started to form in the corners of my eyes, and I immediately berated myself for them. This wasn't like me at all! I had never let my unrequited love for Marius get this bad, affect me this much...but maybe it's because now there's someone who has the ability to take him away from you, someone that he loves-and it isn't you. With the back of my hand, I attempted to swipe at my tears-but Marius was too quick. Taking me by the shoulders, he demanded gently,
"Eponine-what is it? What's wrong?"
Smiling wanly, I replied, "Nothing. It's nothing."
"Eponine, I've known you almost all your life. I know when something's wrong, and I know when you're lying-you're both right now. Please tell me! I swear I won't breathe a word of it to anyone!"
Marius, standing there and pleading with me, looked so sincere, so concerned, that it almost made me cry harder. But ignoring my convulsing emotions, I replied,
"Marius, if I could tell you, be assured that I would. But I can't bring myself to. It would wreck things."
"How could anything possibly wreck what we share? Please tell me-I swear I won't say a word, nor will I judge you on it."
"It would be impossible not to judge, not to have some opinion on this matter, dear Marius."
Should I tell him, I wondered. Maybe I should-maybe he's loved me all this time and has just thought that I didn't feel the same way. My more rational side argued back, that's impossible-Marius has never been one to hide his feelings, and you know it. If he was in love with you, he would have said. However, I said to myself, telling him might make certain things easier to understand, and you could become closer because of it...then I thought of the barricade. He might die there. I might never see him alive again. No more moonlight walks, no more secretive conversations, no more Marius, it would be just me walking alone at night wishing for something that I knew the world could never give me...I knew right then and there that I didn't want Marius to ever die without knowing that someone else loved him. I decided that I would tell him.
Marius was looking at me inquisitively.
"Do I have to pry it out of you, Eponine?"
"No...I'll tell you."
He looked at me encouragingly.
"Go on, I won't tell."
"I...I...I love you..." I trailed off.
I quickly turned away from him, not wanting to see the look that he would get on his face, not wanting to hear what I knew he would say-that he loved Cosette. Instead, I felt Marius lift my chin up to meet his gaze, and my eyes watered up again. Blinking them back furiously, I met his gaze almost defiantly.
"Eponine-you mean that?"
Biting my lip nervously, I said, "Yes." Then, with more courage, I continued,
"But I know you love Cosette."
"But..."
I put a finger to his lips.
"Please don't speak, just let me get this out. I know that you love her and not me, and that you never loved me as more than a friend. I understand that, and I don't hold it against you. I know we could never be together, and I'm all right with that. I would never have told you, but there is one reason why. I didn't tell you to gain sympathy, or to turn you away from Cosette. I told you because I know you're going to fight in the barricades, and I know you might get killed. I could never live with myself if you had died never knowing that Cosette isn't the only one that loves you. So please don't try to lie to me and say you feel the same just to save my feelings, and don't apologize for loving Cosette. She wouldn't ever apologize for loving you, and neither would I. Just let it be."
Marius had small tears in his eyes, but he let his palm drift down my cheek, and said simply, "You are the greatest of friends, and I am blessed to have you by my side."
I smiled through my own tears that were now drifting unhindered down my face. In answer, I replied just as simply,
"I knew you'd understand. Thank you."
Taking the sealed note out of Marius' coat pocket, I handed him his coat back, and then said,
"I will go and deliver this to Cosette now. Trust me when I say that I hope you will be happy together, because I can't think of anyone that deserves it more than you."
Marius looked at me, and in his eyes, I could see all the gratefulness and love that he could ever feel for me coming to the surface. Placing a kiss on my forehead, he said,
"Thank you for doing me this favor."
Then he walked away. I stood there, not believing that the one secret that I had guarded so heavily for so long had finally come out into the open. I smiled to myself in a resigned fashion. I wasn't loved in that sense in return, but I knew my place. I knew he valued me as much as Cosette, just not in the same way. And in the end, that's all I needed to know.
By Cailin Humphrys
I shivered in the cold night air. Why was I standing out here? Why had I agreed to meet Marius out here when I knew what he was going to ask of me? Because you love him, I answered myself. Because you live for him, you would die for him, and the only thing that keeps you sane in the this God-awful city is the fact that you have Marius...even if it's not in the way you wish it were. I smiled at the thought of Marius...his intellect, the way he said my name...he was the one thing that kept me going. It's a lot to live on, just love, when you're homeless and practically in rags; when the city you live in is the most dangerous place right now because it's on the brink of revolution. Suddenly, appearing out of the night mist like a ghostly figment, came Marius. He had pulled his coat tightly around him to keep out the chill, and his face was glowing. I resisted the urge to run to him and hug him...but times were different now. It's so strange that just a couple of weeks ago, he was my Marius...my friend Marius that I could just talk to about anything, anywhere, anytime. My friend Marius, who I was so comfortable with, that I loved so completely, who I hoped loved me in return...but now those dreams were dashed. Ever since he had caught sight of that girl...Cosette...
I sighed, and attempted to put a cheerful smile on my face for when he reached me. When he did, he leaned over and hugged me.
"Eponine, my good friend! You have no idea how much this favor means to me. You are the only one I would entrust such a favor to."
Inside his arms, I wanted to die-how could something so beautiful hurt me so? Why was I the one entrusted to this favor? Why couldn't he trust one of his boyhood friends...why me?
Forcing a smile, I replied, "Dear Marius, how could I refuse? You have always been there for me, and now I must be there for you. Now tell me, what is this mystery errand you wish me to do? You only told me it had to do with Cosette."
Marius' face lit up at the sound of her name. You could just see the way his entire face glowed whenever she was around, whenever she passed him in the city.
"Ahh, my darling Cosette-if only I could be with her now! Eponine-please take this hand-written message to her!"
As Marius let go of me and stated his request, I tried not to cry. Maybe, I thought to myself, if he knew how much this hurt you, then he wouldn't ask you to do it. But, I thought again, if you won't, who else would? It just seemed so unfair that I had to lead the existence I led, and also have to watch the man I loved long for someone else. I smiled bravely, and replied,
"Marius, I swear to you that this message will get to her." I tried desperately not to let my hurt show. Shivering again, I pulled what meager rags I had tighter around my frail body. Seeing this, Marius, peeled his coat off and put it around me.
"Here, take this-you're freezing. I only wish I could provide you with more."
Why was he being so kind? Why must he be so loving and gentle? Tears started to form in the corners of my eyes, and I immediately berated myself for them. This wasn't like me at all! I had never let my unrequited love for Marius get this bad, affect me this much...but maybe it's because now there's someone who has the ability to take him away from you, someone that he loves-and it isn't you. With the back of my hand, I attempted to swipe at my tears-but Marius was too quick. Taking me by the shoulders, he demanded gently,
"Eponine-what is it? What's wrong?"
Smiling wanly, I replied, "Nothing. It's nothing."
"Eponine, I've known you almost all your life. I know when something's wrong, and I know when you're lying-you're both right now. Please tell me! I swear I won't breathe a word of it to anyone!"
Marius, standing there and pleading with me, looked so sincere, so concerned, that it almost made me cry harder. But ignoring my convulsing emotions, I replied,
"Marius, if I could tell you, be assured that I would. But I can't bring myself to. It would wreck things."
"How could anything possibly wreck what we share? Please tell me-I swear I won't say a word, nor will I judge you on it."
"It would be impossible not to judge, not to have some opinion on this matter, dear Marius."
Should I tell him, I wondered. Maybe I should-maybe he's loved me all this time and has just thought that I didn't feel the same way. My more rational side argued back, that's impossible-Marius has never been one to hide his feelings, and you know it. If he was in love with you, he would have said. However, I said to myself, telling him might make certain things easier to understand, and you could become closer because of it...then I thought of the barricade. He might die there. I might never see him alive again. No more moonlight walks, no more secretive conversations, no more Marius, it would be just me walking alone at night wishing for something that I knew the world could never give me...I knew right then and there that I didn't want Marius to ever die without knowing that someone else loved him. I decided that I would tell him.
Marius was looking at me inquisitively.
"Do I have to pry it out of you, Eponine?"
"No...I'll tell you."
He looked at me encouragingly.
"Go on, I won't tell."
"I...I...I love you..." I trailed off.
I quickly turned away from him, not wanting to see the look that he would get on his face, not wanting to hear what I knew he would say-that he loved Cosette. Instead, I felt Marius lift my chin up to meet his gaze, and my eyes watered up again. Blinking them back furiously, I met his gaze almost defiantly.
"Eponine-you mean that?"
Biting my lip nervously, I said, "Yes." Then, with more courage, I continued,
"But I know you love Cosette."
"But..."
I put a finger to his lips.
"Please don't speak, just let me get this out. I know that you love her and not me, and that you never loved me as more than a friend. I understand that, and I don't hold it against you. I know we could never be together, and I'm all right with that. I would never have told you, but there is one reason why. I didn't tell you to gain sympathy, or to turn you away from Cosette. I told you because I know you're going to fight in the barricades, and I know you might get killed. I could never live with myself if you had died never knowing that Cosette isn't the only one that loves you. So please don't try to lie to me and say you feel the same just to save my feelings, and don't apologize for loving Cosette. She wouldn't ever apologize for loving you, and neither would I. Just let it be."
Marius had small tears in his eyes, but he let his palm drift down my cheek, and said simply, "You are the greatest of friends, and I am blessed to have you by my side."
I smiled through my own tears that were now drifting unhindered down my face. In answer, I replied just as simply,
"I knew you'd understand. Thank you."
Taking the sealed note out of Marius' coat pocket, I handed him his coat back, and then said,
"I will go and deliver this to Cosette now. Trust me when I say that I hope you will be happy together, because I can't think of anyone that deserves it more than you."
Marius looked at me, and in his eyes, I could see all the gratefulness and love that he could ever feel for me coming to the surface. Placing a kiss on my forehead, he said,
"Thank you for doing me this favor."
Then he walked away. I stood there, not believing that the one secret that I had guarded so heavily for so long had finally come out into the open. I smiled to myself in a resigned fashion. I wasn't loved in that sense in return, but I knew my place. I knew he valued me as much as Cosette, just not in the same way. And in the end, that's all I needed to know.