Based on ElGato44 's "Last Decision" fanfic, SilentNinja's various skits, and my recent playthrough of DW8.
You can blame this on some of the character designs (both their looks and their personalities) in DW8. They inspired this.
Beautiful Warrior Zhou
After suffering an arrow wound during the Battle for Jingzhou, Zhou Yu devised a plan to trick his enemies into believing his death. The plan worked, and Cao Ren was driven away.
However, during the battle, Gongjin suffered a hard blow to the head when he fell from a particularly strong attack. However the commander was not greatly harmed, and was able to return to Capital Jianye.
Because of minor infighting between Liu Bei and Sun Quan's forces over north Jingzhou, Sun Shangxiang's departure to Liu Bei's territory was delayed.
Jianye, Sun Quan's Palace, June 210 AD
Zhou Yu staggered into the Wusian palace, with a bandage wrapped around his head. Instead of embracing him, or comforting him, or even offering the man a drink of some sort, Sun Quan stood expectantly in Zhou Yu's face.
"Gongjin! I expected more from you! You took an entire year to drive Cao Ren away, and still we cannot take Jingzhou with Liu Bei occupying Xiangyang. Do you know how many resources you wasted on this campaign? You... I shall hereby appoint Lu Meng as Commander in Chief with Lu Su as his right hand. You are clearly unfit for command."
Zhou Yu bowed dutifully, but once he left the throne room he mumbled bitterly. "You are clearly not fit for command." In a tone most unsuitable for a dignified commander like himself.
Upon returning to his residence, he found his pet bouncing back and forth on the walls.
"Hey, Zhouie! You wanna go play? I heard that you made Cao Ren run away, good job!"
Zhou Yu took one look at this large rabbit who was supposed to be his "wife," groaned, and turned around.
"Wait, Zhouie, where are you going?"
"I'm afraid I am needed elsewhere, Xiao. Please await my return."
"K..."
Lu Jiang, about a week later, in a tavern not far from the Sun Family estate.
"Yes, I had heard of your demotion, Gongjin. Don't worry, Ziming and I will find a way to come to terms with Zhuge Liang." Lu Su smiled sheepishly.
"Come to terms with?" Zhou Yu slammed his wine jug on the bar. "Zijing, are you even listening to what you are saying? We swore to uphold the glory and honor of the Southland, to allow its people to finally have a say in the fate of the world, and yet you defer to this northern farmer who, although brilliant, taunts us at every turn. Liu Bei would not be in his current position without us."
Zhou Yu's grip on his jug was so great that the handle began to crack.
"Without us, he is a dead man, and yet he repays us by occupying Xiangyang and making further inroads into South Jing. With Jiangling being surrounded by disputed territory, our hold on the city is tentative at best. But I suppose that if you want to maintain our bases in Lu Jiang and Chaisang and ignore our latest conquest, we haven't lost any ground per-say..." Zhou Yu gave his friend a frustrated look.
"Um, Gongjin..." Lu Su pointed at Zhou Yu's jug.
Zhou Yu glanced at his drink dispassionately. "I see. Well, at any rate, I am finished. Thank you for this drink." He bowed and slipped away before Lu Su could protest.
The Sun Family Estate
Zhou Yu knocked on the gates, and they opened.
"Master Zhou..." Bu Lianshi, Sun Quan's betrothed and Sun Shangxiang's bodyguard, curtsied when she saw him. "The Lady Sun does not seek visitors at this hour."
"Even if the visitor in question is a dear friend?"
Lady Bu's eyes narrowed. "She feels that you are partly responsible for what is happening to her."
At that moment, Zhou Yu stepped forward and gently held Lianshi's hand. The girl's face flushed with surprise as he kissed that hand.
"That is why I intend to resolve this unfortunate situation."
"My lord!" Lianshi scolded him as he beamed at her and strolled into the hall.
Bu Lianshi watched as Zhou Yu waltzed off towards Shangxiang's chambers.
"You!" The daughter of Sun Jian and sister of Sun Quan glared at Zhou Yu after responding to his frantic knocking.
"Me."
"Why are you here? I heard that you were complacent with my Brother's insane idea at having me marry a man far past his prime."
"Well, you should also yell at Lu Su for being an enabler."
"You think this is funny?! I... I have been some sort of trophy for my family for so many years. Even Ce could only teach me the art of fighting, but he couldn't free me from Mother's expectant gaze. Mother wants me to be a noble, chaste, graceful lady who will remain obedient to some slimy bastard who'll have his way with me. And as a daughter all I can do is obey."
"That is a nightmare scenario." Zhou Yu nodded.
"But you thought this was a good idea!"
"That was before I realized who Liu Bei really is. I'm sorry. You proved wiser than I."
"Gongjin?" Shangxiang blinked.
"I thought that even with his persistence and insistence in serving Han, he could still be isolated and content. With a stunning beauty like yourself by his side, he would have little reason to interfere with Wu. However, that violates your wishes, and clearly that plan would have failed miserably. Liu Bei is an opportunist and he most certainly would not respect an exquisite woman like you."
Her cheeks were red and her eyes were wide as he continued speaking.
"I have heard that Liu Bei once compared women to torn clothing as an attempt to appease Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. I have also heard that Zhang Fei's 'wife' is a captive, and that she isn't particularly willing at all when they, erm, go at it."
Shangxiang flushed. "Gongjin, why are you telling me this now? What good does this do? I am promised to Liu Bei. I am supposed to go to him and sacrifice my life on his behalf, I-"
"What do you really want, milady?"
Shangxiang had turned bright red in more than just her cheeks by now. She seemed almost demure, and refused to meet her eyes as she muttered. "I- I... I never wanted Liu Bei. I never wanted to be forced into this sort of thing. I've, um-"
"After your brother's death, I have been observing you. I noticed that at times when I wasn't facing you, you seemed very interested in what I was doing. I have seen that look in your eyes, Shangxiang. And now I truly understand what that meant."
"Gongjin..."
"I won't make you do what you don't want to do, princess. You can fulfill your own desti-"
Before he could finish his sentence, the daughter of the Tiger pounced on him.
Bu Lianshi had heard many unpleasant noises from the Princess' room that night.
Yet her cheeks and much of her form remained flushed because, well, she had never experienced such things.
"It seems like Lord Zhou Yu never forced her. This was my lady's choice." Lianshi muttered to herself.
The next morning, Zhou Yu emerged from the princess' room, only to walk right into a startled Lianshi.
For unlike most times, Lord Zhou Yu was shirtless.
Shirtless.
"Many apologies, Lady Bu!" Zhou Yu bowed.
"The- The apology is mine, Lord Zhou Yu. I- I think I should go, now." Her face was bright red as she eyed the commander's form.
"Zhou Gongjin should apologize to no one." Sun Shangxiang emerged with various articles of clothing missing. "He is the hero of Chi Bi and the Southland's finest."
Bu Lianshi curtsied. "My lady. Shall I inform Lord Sun Quan of the situation?"
"No, I will tell him myself." Shangxiang hooked one of her arms around Zhou Yu's own. "But I would appreciate it if you did not let anyone else know about this, Lianshi."
Bu Lianshi blushed. "Of course, my lady..."
One Week Later, Jian Ye, Sun Quan's Palace
"My Lord, negotiations with Zhuge Liang are a rousing success! If you sign here, we will withdraw from Jiangling in exchange for 2500 gold pieces, a dozen horses, a sheep, and a gigantic statue of a wooden donkey. Kongming has assured us that any noises from within the wooden donkey are coincidental. Can you imagine it? A giant wooden donkey! We are certainly getting a great deal..."
Before Sun Quan could sign Lu Su's agreement, Zhou Yu and Sun Shangxiang burst into the room.
"My lord, it's a trap!"
"Brother, Liu Bei is tricking us into this pathetic alliance, all for his own benefit!"
Lu Su frowned as Sun Quan dropped the agreement. "What do you mean, Zhou Yu? What's the matter, sister?"
Zhou Yu bowed as Shangxiang spoke first. "Are you going to trade our newest port, a river fortress that has been the gateway to our lands for a wooden donkey?! Brother, this is an obvious trick and Zijing should be ashamed of himself for falling for it."
"Indeed, my lord. Lu Su's attempt to establish a peace treaty with Liu Bei is commendable, but efforts for peace should not take away our gains. We are the party with leverage in this 'alliance': we outnumber them, we have more political influence than they, and finally if Liu Bei should come under attack he will need our help to beat back Cao Cao or any nomadic tribe that hopes to get rid of him. He should be paying us for our services, not the other way around."
"Zhou Yu, you are no longer commander in chief. While your council is appreciated, I shall make decisions regarding Jingzhou." Sun Quan crossed his arms.
Zhou Yu turned to Lu Su. "Zijing, you gave us one of your family's grain towers when we were short on supplies, remember? How are our food stores? Would you consider giving us the other one?"
"I did?" Lu Su raised an eyebrow. "Hmn, that was rather stupid of me, wasn't it-"
"Impostor!" Shangxiang lept at Lu Su and grabbed his arm, and Zhou Yu joined her.
"What is the meaning of this?!"
"My lord! Zijing's donation has always taken a toll on his mind. For this false Lu Su to forget..."
"I give, I give!" 'Lu Su' groaned. "My name is Jian Yong, I am one of Zhuge Liang's subordinates and Liu Bei's old friend. Your diplomat had... Problems... When he attempted to negotiate for joint ownership of Jingzhou. I don't think he's dead, though."
"Then we must go to him! Lord Sun Quan, will you grant me permission to save Lu Su?"
"I... Um... But all that political influence..."
"Brother?" Shangxiang walked over to him.
Sun Quan eyed Sun Shangxiang strangely. "And Sister, did something happen to you? Are your legs sore? You seem to be walking funny."
Sun Shangxiang blushed and gave Zhou Yu a look of longing.
Gongjin beamed at her.
"Wait... It can't be..." Sun Quan gasped.
"I never wanted to be anyone's trophy, brother. And now I'm finally with the man I love."
"Gongjin... But now we can't have Liu Bei-"
"Indeed." Zhou Yu stepped forward and placed his hands on Sun Quan's shoulders. "I have realized that it was a foolish plan. By replacing Lu Su with Jian Yong, Liu Bei has given proof that he thinks nothing for our alliance. I will reinforce our position at Jiang Ling, and force them to release Lu Su."
"But I- Er..."
"Zhongmou? Oh, I see. This is about your legacy, isn't it? Bofu managed to do so much, and at times had no need to rely on me. Yet now I've been doing so much on your behalf, and you feel inadequate, is that it?"
"Erm..."
"Sun Ce always said that you would be a better administrator. You are far more careful and meticulous, but this obsession with leaving a legacy had you fall for an obvious trap. Here, let me take over for you. You don't have to shoulder these burdens alone."
Sun Quan began to get teary eyed. "Ok, Zhou Yu. Go now, inform Lu Meng that you are his superior: My Viceroy. Save Lu Su and ensure the glory of the Southland!"
Jianye, Barracks, an enclosed room, a few hours later
Lady Sun Shangxiang had sneaked an intimate moment with Zhou Yu, even as the soldiers were just a few feet away, before sneaking back to her quarters in the palace.
Zhou Yu's face reddened as he watched her go. "She is quite the remarkable woman." He mumbled to himself.
"That much is certain." A voice spoke from behind him.
Zhou Yu spun around, yet all the firelight that illuminated the room suddenly went out.
Zhou Yu felt someone strike his back, and as he was tackled onto the ground, he felt soft hands tying him up.
He heard footsteps scatter, and a torch was lit before him.
Bu Lianshi was holding the torch, and she set it on one of the torch holders, turning back to him with a furious look in her eyes.
"My lady's bodyguards prove stronger than you, it seems."
"Lady Bu? What is the meaning of this?"
"I should be asking you. You have ensured your new promotion as Viceroy, and you have plucked my lady's flower even if it seems she was willing and eager."
"I am no villain. Lady Sun made her choice: she chose me over Liu Bei. I will also fulfill Sun Quan's desires by securing Jing province."
Bu Lianshi turned red, and she turned her face away from Zhou Yu as she continued. "Yes. But you have secured a sense of power over both Lady Sun and Lord Sun. You are now Sun Shangxiang's lover and the man who claims her. And you are Lord Sun Quan's viceroy and the man who forced him to discard his plan to ensnare Liu Bei with his sister's chastity. I... I find it troubling that you have proven more powerful than both of them."
"Even though what you say is true, milady, I swear that I will serve the southland with distinction. I will extend its reach across the land. I swore to lord Sun Ce that I would protect the Sun family, and is there any better way to do this when I protect Lady Sun Shangxiang's heart too?"
Bu Lianshi had a strange look when she approached him. She began loosening her robes as she approached. "You said 'Southland,' not Sun Quan. You claim to serve the Southland. You also say you will protect the Sun family, and while there is no doubt that you would give everything to protect Lady Sun Shangxiang, you never mentioned my lord. I... I know that you are the greatest threat to his reign, but your loyalty seems firm at the moment. I shall cement it with a reward, and in return you must pledge your service to Lord Sun Quan as well as the Southland."
"Lady Bu? What are you doing? You shouldn't!..." Zhou Yu gasped as Bu Lianshi embraced him. The bindings on his arms made it impossible for him to resist...
"I... I... What has happened?" Zhou Yu blinked as he awoke.
He was, for some reason, on a bed in the palace's guest room.
He heard someone knocking, and Shangxiang entered.
"Gongjin, it's noon. Lady Bu brought you in long after the third night watch. She..." Shangxiang blushed. "Also seemed to walk funny."
"Shangxiang, I-"
"Don't worry. She told me what happened. You know that I expect you to help my brother too, right? But I guess I'm not the only one who wants to keep you in line."
"Shangxiang-"
"Still, Bu Lianshi is one of my closest friends and to your credit you are not responsible for what happened. But if you are responsible for the next encounter, you will regret it. Am I clear?"
"Very."
"Good." She smiled again. "Now, I need to make up for lost time."
Lord Zhou Yu emerged from the guest room. Sun Shangxiang soon followed and hooked her arm around his.
The troops stared as the pair strolled past them, with Zhou Yu ordering a carriage to take them to Jiangling.
Jiangling, North Gate, September 210 AD
Zhou Yu stood proudly alongside his troops. Behind him, Sun Shangxiang and Lu Meng had assumed battle stances.
Before them was Zhuge Liang, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Zhao Yun, and their troops.
"I believe you are Liu Bei's intended, are you not? Please, Lady Sun, drop this foolishness and stop raising your weapons against your family." Kongming covered his face with his fan.
"You! I stand by my family!" She suddenly thrust her hand forward and seized Zhou Yu's arm, causing him to wince at her grip. "... And I stand by my true intended!"
Guan Yu and Zhang Fei's eyes widened. "You have soiled yourself on behalf of that dog? This is humiliating. My brother was promised you, but it is clear that he was promised to a whore." Guan Yunchang scoffed.
Shangxiang growled, but before she could pounce Zhou Yu pulled her back.
"Your beauty does not deserve to be tarnished by that peacock." He smiled at her. Zhuge Liang observed that Shangxiang blushed and stood down.
"So you have defiled her." Zhuge Liang's eyes narrowed.
"No, I have simply helped her genuinely express her love, rather than have her accept a contractual agreement that was made in bad faith."
"Bad faith?" Kongming parroted.
"Indeed. Release Lu Su at once, or our forces will be forced to come to blows. Even with three powerful warriors on your side, we have the numerical advantage. Do not be so quick to underestimate your opponents, Sleeping Dragon." Zhou Yu smirked.
"Hah. You are the arrogant one. Do you think your legions of southern peasants can overcome the great warriors of Han? I pity the fool who believes himself wise and farseeing." Zhuge Liang waved his fan dismissively.
"If you are so almighty, why don't you attack?" Zhou Yu crossed his arms.
"My men shouldn't ruin their glistening armor by letting your soiled paws touch it." The man with the fan sneered.
"And my men are too noble to cause animal cruelty." His opponent chuckled.
The staredown continued for days. After some time, Zhang Fei amused himself by returning to his camp, where many unpleasant sounds, including some terrified screams, could be heard. Guan Yu started to play mahjong by himself. But after Lu Meng snuck around Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang's death glares the two of them began a game of Weiqi (Go).
Sun Shangxiang and Zhao Yun remained in their fighting stances, however, while several Shu and Wu soldiers went to watch Lu Meng and Guan Yu's game.
The death glares continued, until Zhuge Liang heard the sound of marching from behind Zhou Yu.
"I am Xing Darong! My lord Liu Du has pledged his allegiance to the Southland, and I shall crush our opponents!"
"I am Huang Zhong. My colleague here is Wei Yan. Our lord Han Xuan has agreed to join the Southland, and we will serve our new lord with distinction."
"I am Zhao Fan and, er, General Zhao Yun you happen to share the same surname and you are a famed commander so why don't you check out my widowed sister in la-" Zhao Fan gasped when Lady Fan began to approach Zhou Yu.
"Oh, my, you are certainly a sight for sore eyes..."
However a glare from Shangxiang had Lady Fan slowly back away.
"What is the meaning of this?" Zhuge Liang gasped.
Kan Ze stepped out from Jin Xuan's contingent and smiled. "Gongjin, negotiations were a success. South Jing is ours and as you can see I have brought reinforcements."
"Now you are even more greatly outnumbered. Return Lu Su. With South Jing in our hands, and the fact that you hold citadel Xiangyang I might be so inclined to leave you alone if you release him. You serve as an excellent buffer against Cao Cao."
Zhuge Liang froze at Zhou Yu's words. "Very well! Inform our lord that Lu Su is to be released and sent back to Wu. We... Will otherwise be overrun if he refuses."
The Two Kingdoms Strategy In Less than Fifteen Lines
In Chengdu, Liu Zhang heard that Zhou Yu's army was coming.
The governor seemed to dirty his pantaloons at the thought.
Zhang Song and Fa Zheng approached the advancing army even as Zhang Ren, Yan Yan, and Huang Quan prepared to fight.
"Our army fights for the good of the people. Surely you can see that the people of Yizhou are starving? Surrender, and your people will witness prosperity. For proof look at our latest economic census data from Wu and Yue provinces." Zhou Yu handed Fa Zheng a paper.
Fa Zheng took one look at the numbers, turned to Zhang Song and Huang Quan, and said: "We'd be idiots if we don't surrender."
In Hanzhong, the Philosopher-Governor Zhang Lu sat with his strategist, Yan Pu.
Zhou Yu entered his chamber, bowed, and explained the virtues of the Sun family.
Zhang Lu was moved to tears by the kindness the Sun family showed to its subordinates.
Yan Pu was moved to tears by the reports of strong trade networks and the average salary of the Southland's officers.
The keys of Hanzhong's storehouses were handed over to Zhou Yu.
With Generals like Zhou Tai, Huang Zhong, Gan Ning, and Wei Yan by his side,
And Strategists like Fa Zheng, Lu Su, Lu Xun, and Lu Fan amplifying his plans...
With Tacticians like Cheng Pu, Huang Quan, Huang Gai, and Ding Feng reviewing his battlefield advances,
And the lovely Sun Shangxiang by his side...
Zhou Yu advanced towards Chang'an.
Chang'an, December AD 210
"Lord Cao Cao! I come with the mighty legions of the provinces Wu, Yue, and Yi/Shu. Much of Jing is in my lord's hands, and with all these forces arranged against you it may be best if you lay down your arms and accept your fate."
"Hah!" Cao Cao laughed in Zhou Yu's face. "Who do you think I am? I am Cao Mengde, Prime Minister of Han. You are nothing more than the Viceroy of the Wusian Marquis. Yes, it is impressive that you convinced both Governor Zhang Lu of Hanzhong and the spineless Marquis of Shu Liu Zhang to join you, but the latter was worthless and the former was heavily outnumbered. Those "accomplishments" amount to little. I stand with the legions of Han at my back. It is you who ought to surrender before your precious loved ones are killed!"
Cao Cao paused for effect, but then he took a respectful bow.
"But if you surrender I will grant both you and Sun Quan a suitable rank. I will also annul your marriage with Xiao Qiao and allow you to marry Sun Shangxiang and have her take the honor of being your first wife."
For a moment, Sun Shangxiang blushed fiercely. Zhou Yu also froze as he considered the merits of the offer.
"You mean you'll take Xiao Qiao off my hands?"
"Yes. As long as your soldiers lay down their weapons, I promise I won't even touch another civilian of Jiang Dong. I understand that Lady Da Qiao is still single-"
"That's pushing it." Zhou Yu huffed.
"Very well. I respect your perspective. I will take Xiao Qiao off your hands. Jiangdong will have home rule and will be an autonomous region of the Empire. But I will need to have someone else look after Shu. Maybe Fa Zheng?"
Now it was Fa Xiaozhi's time to look hopeful.
"So I'm offering you a position as Marquis of Jingzhou, with the addition of Lu Jiang under your direct command. Sun Quan will remain Marquis of Wu with Shou Chun in place of Lu Jiang. Your marriage to Xiao Qiao will be annulled and she will be sent to my quarters, and you will be allowed to marry Sun Shangxiang. Fa Zheng shall become Marquis of Shu. We can proceed to crush Liu Bei between Shu, Jing, and Wu provinces along with the forces under my direct control, and China can be reunited in record time."
"... What if I refused your offer?"
"I'm taking your armies intact. I'm not stupid enough to think that they wouldn't retain some loyalty to each of you. And don't tell me you actually want Xiao Qiao around?"
Zhou Yu rubbed his chin as he considered the offer.
"Oh, that Zhou Gongjin, he's so dreamy!" Lady Bian yelled from Cao Cao's tent.
"Father is an impressive man, but Lord Zhou Yu is far more appealing!" Cao Jie, Cao Cao's daughter, sighed longingly and loudly from the Cao army's supply wagons.
"I must say, Lord Zhou Yu is indeed a fine specimen." Zhen Ji sighed from Cao Pi's tent.
The sounds of the women in Cao Cao's army fawning over him had Zhou Yu blush.
"I, erm..."
"Accept his offer, Gongjin, and then I can meet you in person." Lady Bian cooed.
While Shangxiang bristled at that, she also thought of the idea that she could finally cement her choice.
Zhou Yu pondered the offer, and...
Xiangyang, late December AD 210
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward.
Into the valley of death, rode the thirty thousand.
Armies to the north of them.
Armies to the south of them.
Armies descending from east and west.
Zhuge Liang turned to Liu Bei.
Cursed Cao Cao's authority over Sun Quan.
If only the Imperial Uncle could annul Zhou Yu's marriage!
Han forces surrounded Xiang Yang.
While 'True' Han Forces held the city walls.
Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong, Guan Yu, and Sun Qian wept as Southern and Northern artillery struck their positions.
With Xiao Qiao giddy by his side, Cao Cao personally overran the north gate.
While Zhou Yu, with his wife Sun Shangxiang, overran the south gate.
And Liu Bei was defeated...
Luoyang, late January AD 211
As the victorious General Zhou Yu of Han joined Cao Cao's military parade, he noticed that so many of the female civilians in the capital city were falling head over heels when he walked past.
Even some of the women old enough to be his grandmother.
Shangxiang's death glares were not enough to prevent them from attempting to swarm the general.
He had surrendered to Cao Cao, and in exchange he never saw Xiao Qiao again.
But was that sweet mercy really enough when, for some reason, it seemed that every woman in China wanted him?
From Lady Bian to Lady Fan to Lady Cao to Lady Zhen to Yuan Shao's widow Lady Liu, none of these woman would leave him alone.
As the mob of women suddenly burst forth and overran the parade, pushing Zhou Yu off his carriage and onto the ground, the general tumbled quickly to avoid their hands and grabbed his sword.
As he raised his blade, the lady Sun screamed as she tried to grab him, but he thrust his sword downward and took his own life...
March AD 211, Marquis' palace, Jian Ye
As the lady Sun held Zhou Yu's heir in her arms, a midwife emerged from the other Lady Sun's quarters.
"It is done." She bowed.
Sun Shangxiang and Sun Quan entered the room.
Lord Sun Quan was known to have green eyes, and a complexion that did not look so Chinese.
However the young child Lady Sun Lianshi was holding looked very Chinese, and nothing like Sun Quan.
Shangxiang noticed a certain birthmark, and gasped.
They had discovered Zhou Yu's other heir.
AN: With apologies to my fellow Wusians. But after playing DW8 (I only played DW 5 you see), I cannot in good conscience not object to the 'characters' in that game. Although, the female officers are certainly pretty.
I also apologies, of course, to any female readers. Please note that this is a parody, and I suppose this chauvinist Zhou Yu was asking for it with his womanizing ways. And since when would Zhou Yu in his right mind surrender? See that concussion did a lot more than you'd think!