"Ugggghhhh..."

He blinked slowly, staring up at the sky. It was leaden and overcast, thick snowflakes still falling gently. Reaching up he rubbed gingerly at his head, wincing at the pain that caused - he'd obviously hit it when he fell. Everything seemed to be working however, and though he felt fairly sore when he pushed himself into a sitting position, there were no other obvious injuries. Bracing himself on one arm he glanced around him. Rubble, fire, his helmet lying a little way away... he smiled ruefully. The dumb thing probably saved my life. Only time I've ever been glad of it. Wobbling slightly he got to his feet, closing his eyes against a sudden wave of nausea and pain. The biting cold wind swirled around him carrying more snow - staying out here like this he risked hypothermia. But where did he go? Behind him were the remains of his mobile suit stuck in half of a building, which hopefully meant his keepers thought he was dead. He was free. For the first time in over two years, he was free. Feeling rather giddy he grinned, taking one last look at the ruined suit before beginning to walk away.

Then he stopped.

Up ahead, barely visible through the smoke and dust of fallen buildings, was a figure. They were clearly looking for something - or for someone, combing through rubble and snow. Were they looking for him? Was his leash so short they'd even come to recover his body? Running a hand through his hair he glanced around in panic, wondering what the hell to do. If he moved to hide somewhere they'd likely spot him....all he could do was try to shoot his way out, which he was reluctant to do. Besides being a fairly bad shot he had no idea whether they were one of his observers or just a regular crewmember. I have too much blood on my hands already. Go in the other direction. Don't make me do this...

But they kept coming, close enough to where he stood for him to be able to tell that the figure was female, and also not alone. There were two others with her, probably male and definitely armed, and his heart sank. Alright then. Going out fighting it is. Drawing his sidearm he readied it, waiting for them to come closer...though it would be a race to see which got him first, his unknown foe or his headache. It was pounding, causing waves of dizziness that affected his balance and grip on the gun - suddenly all he wanted to do was sleep. Shaking his head he took a deep breath, raising the weapon and pointing it at the approaching figure. They were still checking everywhere, wind tugging at uniform and long hair....only a little closer and they'd spot him.

The wind picked up, blowing aside the smoke for a moment and she glanced up, noticing him instantly and raising her own gun. Her uniform was purple and white - Orb military, not Alliance. What would they have to look for out here? Frowning, he squinted through the dust and blurred vision to try and see her face. She took a step closer, reaching up to tuck a lock of dark hair behind one ear.....and he stared in disbelief, as did she. Gun dropping from suddenly numb fingers he looked away for a moment, taking a step backward - his mind was playing tricks on him. It had to be. He couldn't even see straight, the headache so bad now it was making his ears ring.....that had to be it. How else would he just happen to see the person he wanted to most? Running a hand through long blonde hair he stumbled slightly on the uneven ground, only to look up when he felt a hand on his arm.

"I.."

She was smiling. The gentle expression brought back so many memories that for a moment he was struck dumb by them, unable to speak or do anything but stare. Glancing down at the small hand still on his arm he placed his free hand over the top, smiling himself just a little when she curled her fingers around his tightly. She hiccupped, using her other hand to scrub at her nose the way she always had when she was trying not to cry, though it seemed that even her formidable self-control wasn't enough to hold it back. Understanding what she needed - what they both needed - he simply reached out and pulled her close. She hiccupped again, thin shoulders shaking as she let herself cry and he smiled, resting his cheek against her hair to breathe in the mixed scents of lavender and roses. If this is a dream, it's the best one I ever had.

It felt like she was dreaming. Ever since seeing him there on the monitor it felt like reality had shifted, sounds muffled and details magnified. He couldn't possibly have been real. But she'd come out here anyway, wandering through debris and the rubble of buildings searching for something she wasn't even sure she'd find. The biting cold wind had swirled around her, blowing up embers, smoke and brick dust until she'd barely been able to see, and she'd wondered more than once why she'd bothered.

And then she'd seen him.

He'd been picking his way through the destruction much like she had, gun in hand. He looked so different to the man she had known that for a moment she hadn't recognised him. Black uniform, hair much longer than before, livid scar winding across his nose... I was sure it couldn't have been him. That if I hesitated he'd shoot me. But then I saw his eyes. His eyes. She'd always been able to read every emotion in them, happiness, sadness, mischief, anger...and right then it had been surprise, disbelief mixed with doubt. He didn't think I was real... They'd both felt the same way at the same time - they'd known what they'd seen but didn't believe it. I knew right then that it was him. I had no idea how he could have survived, or how he could be here...all I know is that he is here.

"Mwu..."

He chuckled softly. "M'dreaming.."

"No, no you're not dreaming. I don't want it to be a dream."

He pulled away slightly to regard her with an almost sleepy smile, eyelids fluttering. "Me either.." Then he collapsed. Startled she moved to catch him, his weight causing her knees to give way. He was cold, colder than he should be even given the weather, and was sweating profusely. Brushing hair and snow away from his face she glanced up at the two guards that had accompanied her, both of whom had watched with a mixture of confusion and surprise.

"Is he a friend, ma'am?"

She smiled. "Yes. A very good friend. Can you help me get him back to the ship?"

Though clearly bewildered they nodded, lifting the unconscious man between them and carrying him toward the waiting Archangel. She accompanied them silently, taking last glances at the flaming landscape. To find him in a place like this when I'd convinced myself I'd never even see him again - it's no wonder he thought he was dreaming. I think I might be too still...

"Mwu-san.."

Though Kira-kun had been the one to call the ship and let them know he still looked surprised, violet eyes wide. Murdoch, who had made his way to sickbay as soon as the gossip about his friend being back had reached him, looked similarly stunned. He turned to Kira-kun, brows knitted.

"So that really is him? The Commander?"

The boy nodded. "No doubt about it."

Murrue smiled a little, returning her attention to the sleeping man. The doctor had been able to confirm with a simple blood test that he indeed was who everyone knew him to be, and also confirm he was suffering from a mild concussion probably caused by the destruction of his mobile suit. There was an IV in his arm but that was more for fluids than anything else - once he woke up he should be fine. I'm not dreaming. You really are here, and you're all right. But boy, do you have some explaining to do...

"Murrue-san?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you alright?"

She nodded, reaching out to brush fingertips against long blonde hair. Yes, she was alright. More than alright.

"We'll be outside if you need us, okay?" With that they filed from sickbay, leaving them alone. She continued to watch him, trying to come to terms with everything that had happened. There had been almost nothing of Strike left - she still saw the wreckage in nightmares - so how could he have survived? And why hadn't she checked? I could have found him. I could have brought him home and cared for him. But instead..

"I should have gone back for you. I shouldn't have left you.."

"You weren't to know.." He gazed up at her sleepily, lips curving in a gentle smile. "Keep telling you not to blame yourself for stuff.."

"Yes, you did." Murrue nodded and glanced down at her lap, only looking back at him when he took her hand.

"I'm so sorry," he said quietly. "Promised you I'd be back and instead I do something dumb."

"Dumb, but brave," she replied, stroking his fingers. "Now who's blaming themselves?"

He did smile at that, rather sheepishly. "I've gotten used to it."

"What could you have to blame yourself for?"

The smile faded. "Too much." He glanced around himself, up at the ceiling and the IV in his arm. "You brought me back.."

"Did you expect us to leave you out there?"

"No," he admitted, still in that same oddly quiet tone. "I knew you wouldn't." He took a deep breath and smiled again. "Thank you." But that smile didn't reach his eyes and he knew she'd noticed, his gaze flicking to the side to avoid hers.

"Mwu?"

"It's nothing. I'm okay."

"No, you're not. Talk to me."

"I'm fine!" The anger in his voice surprised her, as did his scowl - Mwu almost never got angry, especially not with her. "Leave me alone!"

"All right." She wasn't about to let him know that had hurt her. Instead she let go of his hand, got to her feet and left the room, not letting the tears come until she was back in her own.

He stared at the ceiling for what felt like forever, the conversation he'd had with her echoing in his mind. When he'd first seen her there in the snow he'd been overjoyed, the feeling of seeing and holding her again overriding everything else. But eventually, like always, the guilt came back, intensity doubled at the knowledge that she and the others had no idea what he'd done. What kind of person he'd become. He wasn't the man he'd been before Jachin Due - he could never be that man again. And she's the last one I can ever tell about it....because she hasn't changed a bit. He'd been able to tell as soon as he'd seen her. The way she smiled, the tears. She still cared about him. And as happy as he was to learn that, it increased the weight of the guilt. I never deserved her. Not before, and certainly not now.

"Mwu-san?"

He rolled his eyes. "What?"

"Why did you make Murrue-san cry?"

More guilt. Great. Just what he needed. "Why do you think?"

"Because you have something to hide. Something you don't want her to know."

"What, did you become psychic in the last two years?"

The kid sighed. "So I'm right?"

"Full marks."

"You know that Murrue-san won't care."

Mwu smiled despite himself. "I know she won't. But I will. She deserves better."

"I doubt she'd agree with that." Kira moved closer and sat on the chair beside the bed. "She's waited all this time for you, and she'd have kept waiting whatever happened. Whatever you did with the Alliance, whatever they made you do, she'd forgive you for."

"What if I can't forgive myself?"

"I think you should let her help you. Don't shut her out just because you're scared."

Scared? He bridled at that, ready to snap at the kid - then thought about it. Scared. He was scared. Scared that talking about it would make what he'd done more real, scared that no-one would ever understand or forgive him for it....scared of actually being the person they'd tried to turn him into. "What do I do?" Part of him thought he should really be laughing at taking advice from a kid over ten years younger than him - but something about Kira was different now. The war changed him, like it changes everyone. But it doesn't seem to be for the worst.

"Talk to her."

Jerk. Ungrateful, selfish jerk. Sitting at her desk she signed her name to documents with an angry flourish, taking out her anger and confusion out on the pen and paper. She'd cried, the sound muffled by a pillow so no-one else would hear, and resented him for it - she'd promised herself to never cry because of him again. Had she asked too many questions? Was he really the man she'd known? Too much unsaid. He's changed, I've changed....maybe too much. I love him still, more than ever, but it seems like we've become strangers in the last two years. Maybe this is something that can't be gotten over...

And what? her subconscious annoyingly piped up. You're just going to let it happen?

What else can I do?

You wouldn't surrender if ZAFT or the Alliance told you to, so why are you doing it now?

"Dammit.." Leaning forward she rested her head on her arms, cursing him under her breath.

"Now that sounds pretty mean. And painful."

Startled she glanced up and around, seeing him standing there with that sheepish smile he always wore when he had some serious apologising to do. "How did you.."

"I still remember the code," he pointed out. She nodded, getting up to walk over to him and he held up his hands. "Now before you give me the ass-kicking I deserve, let me do something I should have done when I first woke up."

"Explain yourself?" she asked rather acidly.

"Before that." He stepped forward, and before she had chance to react pulled her close and kissed her. And she was lost, anger dissipating like always. When they broke for air he smiled gently, kissing away the tears she hadn't even noticed had been falling. "That's what I should have done."

Too breathless to answer properly she nodded.

"Now you can kick my ass."

Murrue blinked, taken aback, then laughed. She laughed and cried at the same time, leaning against his chest for support. Maybe we haven't changed too much after all... "I should, shouldn't I? For leaving me alone or for being a complete jerk?"

"Either. Or both."

"But you made me stop being angry."

"Oh. That's true. So now what?"

She sighed, running a hand through auburn hair. Then stood on her tiptoes and kissed him again. Mwu's eyes widened in surprise for a second before slowly closing, he winding arms around her waist to pull her closer and laughing into the exchange when she unzipped his jacket. "I don't remember saying I came here for that," he remarked in a muffled voice. "Ass-kicking, remember?"

"That uniform doesn't suit you. But if you'd prefer an ass-kicking..."

"No, I don't think I'd prefer one. But I wanted to talk to you first. And apologise."

"You don't.."

"I do." He kissed her forehead. "For a lot of things. C'mon." Taking her hand he led her over to the bed, sitting down on the edge and staring at his knees. "I'm sorry about earlier. For snapping like that. I had a lot of stuff to think about, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"I shouldn't have asked."

He smiled, reaching out to take her hand. "You should have. We never had secrets from each other before, and I shouldn't be keeping them now. I was just scared."

"You, scared? Imagine."

"Really." He took a deep breath. "I was with the Alliance - they found me out there and patched me up - and, well....I did stuff I wish I hadn't. They gave me a ship and a crew but used them against me - if I'd put a foot wrong or disobeyed orders the crew would have been punished for it." He shrugged. "It doesn't sound like much of an excuse and maybe it isn't one, but it's all I have."

"What did they make you do?"

He told her. His voice was quiet, scarcely audible at times, but he kept talking, hand holding hers so tightly it almost squeezed the circulation from her fingers but she never complained, knowing he needed to tell someone. They used his kindness against him. He couldn't disobey orders knowing they'd suffer for it... When he finally fell silent he looked up at her hesitantly, eyes slightly red-rimmed and she smiled, blinking back tears.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have told you."

"Of course you should have. I'd have been mad if you hadn't told me."

He managed a smile at that. "Probably you would have. So what happens now?"

"Now you've got all that off your chest. You know no-one here will blame you for anything. I certainly don't."

"I knew that you wouldn't. S'why I wasn't going to tell you."

"Idiot."

He chuckled quietly. "I was expecting that."

Moving closer she rested her head on his shoulder. "Missed you."

"I missed you too. Sorry I broke my promise."

"You didn't break it. You're here, aren't you? You just took a while keeping it."

Mwu seemed rather taken aback at that - more so than he had been when she'd forgiven him for his actions with the Alliance. "I didn't think of it like that.."

"I didn't either at first. But I understood why you'd done what you had, and it seems very ungrateful of me to be angry at someone for saving my life.."

He smiled, genuinely this time. "You're amazing."

"Aren't I? Now, are you going to stay here? They let you out of sickbay?"

He held out his arm to show her the cottonwool ball taped to the vein the IV had been in. "Free."

"Good."

Everything's going to be okay. You're here, you're all right, and we have a chance to start over. It might not be easy, but we'll make it work.

I'll make it work.

( Hopefully better. Brought to you by tea and a wave of melodrama from Mills & Boon books.

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