"TOP BANANA" By Scribbler
PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS:
The Boss ~ Leader of 'The Monkeys' and self-confessed evil genius
of the outfit.
Big Louie ~ A no-brainer flunky from New York.
Miss Poppy ~ Drunken Londoner who hooked up with 'The Monkeys' for
money
Miss Hoover ~ A Wealthy but arrogant damsel-in-distress
Jimmy Blond ~ Nice but ultimately rather thick detective; hero of
the piece
Cat Spark ~ His sharp-witted and highly ambitious partner
Bartender ~ Self-explanatory really; knows every mob in London
- personally
SETTING: London, England
TIME PERIOD: 1920s
GENRE: Comedy Spoof
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was a play I wrote 4 my Theatre studies exam in
Summer 2001. It is an original piece, so no plagiarizing please, else
I shall not be held responsible 4 my actions. Review please, it's my
first attempt at comedy.
Bon appetite!
SCENE ONE ~ The Monkeys' Hideout
(Dark Stage, then one spotlight comes up on figure in centre of stage. It is Lady Hyacinth Pricilla Constance Hoover, and she is wearing a great deal of finery that suggests her wealthy and important status in society. She is gagged and tied to a chair, and appears quite frightened at her current predicament.
Enter stage left The Boss and Big Louie, they are engaged in a conversation as they enter and Lady Hoover looks up at them as they approach. As they are speaking they walk down stage in front of Lady Hoover and pause here to continue their talk. The Boss speaks first)
BOSS: I can't believe that even after explaining everything you still managed to screw things up!
LOUIE: I'm sorry Boss
BOSS: Sorry ain't good enough Louie! Now I'm down one client because you forgot that the cement shoes come after non-payment! I told you I don't know how many times, first you crack the knuckles, then the knees, then they get the whole new cement wardrobe, not before!!!!
LOUIE: I said I'm sorry Boss.
BOSS: Ach! I dunno why I brought you with me to England Louie! You're hardly the kinda guy I want running my new empire! You ain't even got two brain cells to rub together, ya dumb lunkhead! Thinking too hard probably gives you a headache.
LOUIE: You said it Boss.
The Boss looks disgustedly at Louie, then raises his fist as if to strike at his flunky, who jumps backwards away from his disgruntled employer
BOSS: Why I oughta....
LOUIE: Careful Boss! (He glances behind him, and sees Lady Hoover on the chair for the first time since entering the room) Hey Boss, who's that dame over there?
BOSS: That, Louie, is Lady Hyacinth Pricilla Constance Hoover
HOOVER: (Muffled through her gag) It's pronounced, Hoovoir!
LOUIE: Whoa. That's a real mouthful. Is she someone important?
BOSS: She's only the heiress of over 60 million pound sterling! A top dog in British society, worth millions without her inheritance, influential in all the highest financial rings, and even related to royalty!
LOUIE: Royalty!
BOSS: The Pearly King and Queen. That young lady over there, Louie, is our ticket into the big time. No more of this small time stuff! No sir! You can keep your bank raids, loan sharking and petty crimes - we are gonna be runnin the entire gangster ring in the whole of London. And after that, we'll spread until we've taken over every ring and every mob in every town and city the entire of England has to offer! We, are gonna be running this show!!
LOUIE: She's pretty (Pronounced "Purdy")
BOSS: I don't know why I even bother.
LOUIE: But Boss; why is she here?
BOSS: I'd tell you, but your tiny brain would probably explode. He knocks on Louie's head with his fist
LOUIE: Aw, come on Boss, spill. I promise I won't tell anyone, honest.
BOSS: Apart from the fact that you're about as honest as a bank manager, if you told you'd be dead about eight seconds later.
LOUIE: Pretty Please? With a cherry on top?
BOSS: Oh alright, if it'll shut ya up. The Hoover -
HOOVER: Hoovoir!
BOSS: Family keep all their money and precious items in a safe that's buried deep in the family estate. Gold, Jewels, you name it! It's all there in that safe. Kinda like an Aladdin's cave for a hood, and harder to get into than Fort Knox.
LOUIE: There's lots a' guards?
BOSS: No, no guards. But there's a lock on the safe door with a code that only the members of the Hoover Family know. That, my friend is where our pal over there comes in.
LOUIE: Who?
BOSS: Miss Hoover, ya dummy!
LOUIE: Oh.
BOSS: We are gonna ransom her for the code to that safe, plus some other valuable things from the Hoover mansion.
LOUIE: We are Boss? But Boss, what if they don't pay?
BOSS: Oh they'll pay Louie! But just as a little insurance policy, you are gonna convince our guest, Miss Hoover to fess up the code. So we get the dough anyway.
LOUIE: Wow! That's brilliant Boss!
BOSS: That's why I'm the Boss, and you're just one of the knuckleheads that work for me.
Speaking of knuckleheads, where's that floozy Poppy?
Enter Poppy, running in a drunken manner with a bottle in her hand. She runs towards The Boss and Big Louie, trips, and lands on her face in front of them. When she speaks, she has a thick London accent and talks in the manner of one who is quite drunk
POPPY: Hello Boss.
BOSS: Louie, get her up.
Big Louie helps Miss poppy to her feet, and she leans drunkenly on him. struggling slightly, he holds her up so that she is facing The Boss.
BOSS: Drunk as a skunk! Where ya been Poppy? What am I saying, where have you always been?
(They say together in unison)
"Down the road to the pub on the corner. Into the Flying Dutchman for a drink or two."
Yeah, more likely a drink or two hundred! I dunno why I hired you poppy, there must be hundreds of people with good connections all over this city, and I had to pick one with a drinking problem!
POPPY: (Slurred) It's because of my sparkling personality.
BOSS: I've had better conversations with a fire hydrant! Oh God, you're breath stinks! Poppy, have you been eating the contents of the ash-trays again?
POPPY: Only because I didn't have any money for peanuts. Boss when will I get paid? I've set you up good and proper with the local gangster population. You would've gone back to America with your tail between your legs if I hadn't helped you. Give us some dosh. Go on! The bar tender's gonna ban me if I don't start paying my tab soon.
BOSS: You'll get paid when the Hoovers cough up the cash to get Twinkle-toes over there back safe and sound. Louie, fill her in on the details. I got some business to take care of in my office. When Poppy knows the score, you can start convincing Miss Hoover that it really is in her best interests to tell us that code!
The Boss exits stage right. Miss Poppy flops back and collapses on Big Louie, who staggers under her weight. The scene freezes and lights dim to a total blackout.
PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS:
The Boss ~ Leader of 'The Monkeys' and self-confessed evil genius
of the outfit.
Big Louie ~ A no-brainer flunky from New York.
Miss Poppy ~ Drunken Londoner who hooked up with 'The Monkeys' for
money
Miss Hoover ~ A Wealthy but arrogant damsel-in-distress
Jimmy Blond ~ Nice but ultimately rather thick detective; hero of
the piece
Cat Spark ~ His sharp-witted and highly ambitious partner
Bartender ~ Self-explanatory really; knows every mob in London
- personally
SETTING: London, England
TIME PERIOD: 1920s
GENRE: Comedy Spoof
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was a play I wrote 4 my Theatre studies exam in
Summer 2001. It is an original piece, so no plagiarizing please, else
I shall not be held responsible 4 my actions. Review please, it's my
first attempt at comedy.
Bon appetite!
SCENE ONE ~ The Monkeys' Hideout
(Dark Stage, then one spotlight comes up on figure in centre of stage. It is Lady Hyacinth Pricilla Constance Hoover, and she is wearing a great deal of finery that suggests her wealthy and important status in society. She is gagged and tied to a chair, and appears quite frightened at her current predicament.
Enter stage left The Boss and Big Louie, they are engaged in a conversation as they enter and Lady Hoover looks up at them as they approach. As they are speaking they walk down stage in front of Lady Hoover and pause here to continue their talk. The Boss speaks first)
BOSS: I can't believe that even after explaining everything you still managed to screw things up!
LOUIE: I'm sorry Boss
BOSS: Sorry ain't good enough Louie! Now I'm down one client because you forgot that the cement shoes come after non-payment! I told you I don't know how many times, first you crack the knuckles, then the knees, then they get the whole new cement wardrobe, not before!!!!
LOUIE: I said I'm sorry Boss.
BOSS: Ach! I dunno why I brought you with me to England Louie! You're hardly the kinda guy I want running my new empire! You ain't even got two brain cells to rub together, ya dumb lunkhead! Thinking too hard probably gives you a headache.
LOUIE: You said it Boss.
The Boss looks disgustedly at Louie, then raises his fist as if to strike at his flunky, who jumps backwards away from his disgruntled employer
BOSS: Why I oughta....
LOUIE: Careful Boss! (He glances behind him, and sees Lady Hoover on the chair for the first time since entering the room) Hey Boss, who's that dame over there?
BOSS: That, Louie, is Lady Hyacinth Pricilla Constance Hoover
HOOVER: (Muffled through her gag) It's pronounced, Hoovoir!
LOUIE: Whoa. That's a real mouthful. Is she someone important?
BOSS: She's only the heiress of over 60 million pound sterling! A top dog in British society, worth millions without her inheritance, influential in all the highest financial rings, and even related to royalty!
LOUIE: Royalty!
BOSS: The Pearly King and Queen. That young lady over there, Louie, is our ticket into the big time. No more of this small time stuff! No sir! You can keep your bank raids, loan sharking and petty crimes - we are gonna be runnin the entire gangster ring in the whole of London. And after that, we'll spread until we've taken over every ring and every mob in every town and city the entire of England has to offer! We, are gonna be running this show!!
LOUIE: She's pretty (Pronounced "Purdy")
BOSS: I don't know why I even bother.
LOUIE: But Boss; why is she here?
BOSS: I'd tell you, but your tiny brain would probably explode. He knocks on Louie's head with his fist
LOUIE: Aw, come on Boss, spill. I promise I won't tell anyone, honest.
BOSS: Apart from the fact that you're about as honest as a bank manager, if you told you'd be dead about eight seconds later.
LOUIE: Pretty Please? With a cherry on top?
BOSS: Oh alright, if it'll shut ya up. The Hoover -
HOOVER: Hoovoir!
BOSS: Family keep all their money and precious items in a safe that's buried deep in the family estate. Gold, Jewels, you name it! It's all there in that safe. Kinda like an Aladdin's cave for a hood, and harder to get into than Fort Knox.
LOUIE: There's lots a' guards?
BOSS: No, no guards. But there's a lock on the safe door with a code that only the members of the Hoover Family know. That, my friend is where our pal over there comes in.
LOUIE: Who?
BOSS: Miss Hoover, ya dummy!
LOUIE: Oh.
BOSS: We are gonna ransom her for the code to that safe, plus some other valuable things from the Hoover mansion.
LOUIE: We are Boss? But Boss, what if they don't pay?
BOSS: Oh they'll pay Louie! But just as a little insurance policy, you are gonna convince our guest, Miss Hoover to fess up the code. So we get the dough anyway.
LOUIE: Wow! That's brilliant Boss!
BOSS: That's why I'm the Boss, and you're just one of the knuckleheads that work for me.
Speaking of knuckleheads, where's that floozy Poppy?
Enter Poppy, running in a drunken manner with a bottle in her hand. She runs towards The Boss and Big Louie, trips, and lands on her face in front of them. When she speaks, she has a thick London accent and talks in the manner of one who is quite drunk
POPPY: Hello Boss.
BOSS: Louie, get her up.
Big Louie helps Miss poppy to her feet, and she leans drunkenly on him. struggling slightly, he holds her up so that she is facing The Boss.
BOSS: Drunk as a skunk! Where ya been Poppy? What am I saying, where have you always been?
(They say together in unison)
"Down the road to the pub on the corner. Into the Flying Dutchman for a drink or two."
Yeah, more likely a drink or two hundred! I dunno why I hired you poppy, there must be hundreds of people with good connections all over this city, and I had to pick one with a drinking problem!
POPPY: (Slurred) It's because of my sparkling personality.
BOSS: I've had better conversations with a fire hydrant! Oh God, you're breath stinks! Poppy, have you been eating the contents of the ash-trays again?
POPPY: Only because I didn't have any money for peanuts. Boss when will I get paid? I've set you up good and proper with the local gangster population. You would've gone back to America with your tail between your legs if I hadn't helped you. Give us some dosh. Go on! The bar tender's gonna ban me if I don't start paying my tab soon.
BOSS: You'll get paid when the Hoovers cough up the cash to get Twinkle-toes over there back safe and sound. Louie, fill her in on the details. I got some business to take care of in my office. When Poppy knows the score, you can start convincing Miss Hoover that it really is in her best interests to tell us that code!
The Boss exits stage right. Miss Poppy flops back and collapses on Big Louie, who staggers under her weight. The scene freezes and lights dim to a total blackout.