For most people the end of the world, the apocalypse, Armageddon is a one in a lifetime event and after it humanity will enjoy an afterlife, reincarnate into trees and frogs or for unbelievers cease to exist. However, we "superheroes" know better. To us the end of the world is a weekly occurrence and after defeating it you can continue enjoying your everyday life. Therefore instead of fearing what is to come, every day we flirt with Death while calmly awaiting the moment we will embrace and join it in a new adventure. However, even though we are incapable of fearing our own deaths, we remain vulnerable when it comes to the death of those we love and as heroes, our life and those of our loved ones are constantly in danger. Hence, for us, the end of the world comes when those we love the most take their last breath.
For me, the end of the world came when I was nine years old. As I kneeled in my parent's blood, I knew that my world had come to its end and it had. Afterwards, Richard Grayson became part of a new world; a world full of deceit, struggle and masks. However, in spite of all, I found myself feeling how I never thought I would again, happy. I found a new family in Bruce, Alfred and Jason, friends among heroes and above all purpose in my mission as Robin and later on Nightwing. Sure, it hadn't all been perfect. In my teens, Bruce and I had a less than an ideal relationship that ended with me leaving the manor but at least it also gave me a new team of loyal friends, the Teen Titans, and brought Jason into our lives, not that I thought Jason was a blessing at the time. Learning that Bruce had given away Robin to Jason had caused me to instantly dislike the new member of the Batfamily. However, as time passed, Bruce and I realized how stupid we were and repaired our rift. Jason and I developed a brotherly bond and I even encouraged Bruce to train Barbara and therefor enlarge our little family by bringing her into the fold.
I am sad to admit that I have been leading a pretentious life. I, like normal people, had foolishly thought that the end of the world could only come once, I was wrong.
They say the first time is the hardest. At least, that's what my dad said when I used the trapeze for the very first time. It was also what Bruce said after leaving me in Gotham Academy for my first day at a school ever. However, in this case, the phrase did not applied. I don't know if it was equally devastating or worse the second time my world ended. I tend to change my mind. But it usually borders on worse because even though my parent's deaths were sudden and unexpected, I had come to belief that after it nothing would be able to destroy me in the manner it once had. However, although my new world was one full of danger and ephemeral, the second time still managed to knock me off my feet and destroy my world once again.
So I decided to lay and waste away in his room at the cave. Everything was as he had left it. Even though there was a perfectly roomy closet in the corner, most of his clothes were lying on the floor, a math book had been thrown carelessly on top of the desk and a half eaten sandwich lay forgotten on the nightstand. It surprised me that his room was such a mess since he hadn't been in it in a while before the mission.
Nobody had bothered to get me to leave the room. Bruce knew better than to contact me, Alfred respected our wish for solitude for at least a month and his friends didn't know what to tell me. After all, none of them really knew how much this affected me, they thought that like Aqualad I had just lost a friend, they didn't know I had lost so much more. At least, most of them didn't and the only one who did, for reasons I couldn't understand, had decide to give me space. At least, he had until this very moment.
"You need to get out of this room Dick. You have not move in three day. This is not healthy." Wally spoke trying to get me to leave my brother's room.
"Fuck off Wally. I am not in the mood to listen to you." I replied with a lot more snark than I meant to, making Wally flinch. However, he shrugged it off and began pulling me up from the corner of the floor I had thrown myself three days ago.
"Well, too bad for you because I am not leaving until you take a bath and eat something. Now, Get Up!"
"What the hell is the matter with you?" I yelled, pushing him off me when he finally manage to bring me to my feet. "Get the hell out of here!"
"Dick, I know that you feel horrible and guilty for Jason's death but I am here to tell you that it wasn't your fault." Wally tried to rest his hand on my shoulder but I pulled away with a snarl.
"Yes it was, even Bruce said so. I should've been there. Instead, I refused to go with him and Bruce because I decided to act like a child and ignore Bruce's texts. I decided to stay mad at him for standing me up for lunch of all things." I broke down. It was my fault. If I had been there, Jason would be here. If I had been there none of this would have happened. But I wasn't. And Jason, my baby brother, had paid the price.
"Dick" Wally had knelt beside me and now rested a comforting arm around my shoulders. "Bruce is grieving, I am sure he doesn't really blame you. I know you feel horrible but you don't actually know if you been there would have helped. You don't know if you would have been able to stop Jason from going after the Joker." Rage filled me at Wally's words of comfort. Was he really saying what I thought he was?
"Are you saying that it was HIS fault?" I yelled standing up so abruptly that Wally almost face planted.
"Of course not! I am just saying what you already know. Jason had a temper and was just as stubborn as you and Bats are. If he was determined enough to go after the Joker he would have never let you or anyone else stop him."
"What do you know?! Who do you think you are? You know nothing of me and my family. In fact, you know nothing about having a family!" At my words, Wally's eyes widened and he visibly recoiled as if I had physically strike him. I had gone too far, yet in my madness and sorrow I decided not to take back my hateful words and instead dug the knife even deeper. "You don't know what is to have a father, a brother or even a mother. You couldn't possibly understand what I am feeling."
"That's a little hypocritical coming from you, don't you think? After all, Jason and Bruce are not really your family so what do you know about family?" Wally's face had grown stormy but he quickly realized what he had said and his anger was replaced with shame. "Sorry, I didn't mean that. I know you are just in a really bad place and don't mean to hurt me either."
A horrible laugh escaped my throat interrupting Wally's heartfelt apology and even the sadness in Wally's eyes could not hold me back. "Oh please, you dare to compare me with you. You, Wallace Rudolph West, a boy that is afraid of his parents, his only blood. A boy whose only talents came out of a bottle and a lightning bolt!" I could see them in his eyes, the insecurities that he had battled against through all his life. I had helped him fight them and now I was helping rise them towards the surface. For a moment, I was me again and I remembered that this was my best friend but then as my gaze found a photo of Robin and Nightwing laying on the nightstand the darkness took over me again and I decide to go for the kill. "You are so pathetic that not even your parents the only people who are biologically bound to love you do. A spineless boy so undeserving, selfish and cowardly that has tried to kill himself multiple times and is so useless and stupid that even that he couldn't manage to do right." Wally's gasp runs through me like a spear and suddenly I wake up from the nightmare and the dark cloud that has been pouring over me since my brother's death. It finally dissipates in order to leave room for a new storm. Wally stumbles backwards as in slow motion, his eyes are wide, his arms crossed over his chest as if trying to pull himself together, his skin has turned as white as chalk, tears falls silently from his eyes and he is visibly trembling. Before he can reach the door panel, I reach out to him, million apologies already on my tongue but he flinches violently. He covers his head with his arms and pitifully whimpers as he cowers against the door. I stumble back horrified at myself. I had destroyed his trust and now I was paying the price. He was standing only a few steps across from me but I felt as if we were worlds apart. After a couple of minutes passed, Wally shyly looks up and realizing I was not about to hit him speeds out of the room in a flash.
That was two weeks ago, since then I tried to visit Wally only to find Barry and Iris blocking the door for me. Terrified I realized Wally's phone and all social web sites had been disconnected, this horrified me for I had seen it before. It had all happened by suggestion of his therapist two years ago too when Wally had last tried to kill himself. And now…now Bruce had just told me that Artemis and Wally had decided to leave the team in order to go to College at Palo Alto. Everyone thought Wally had finally given in to her girlfriend's wishes but I knew better. Wally had told me he would never be able to leave the hero life, that it was who he was and that if that meant losing Artemis then so be it. So not only had Wally had most likely tried to kill himself, not only had I most likely lost my best friend, I had also destroyed his world. I had brought the end of the world upon him and consequently ended mine for a third time.