Dear Fan Fiction Readers:
Allow me to introduce myself, my pen name is Botsey. I have been posting on the network under Movies, Star Trek 2009. Just recently I found some postings I had made on The Republic of Pemberly in 2009. Since I have started reading the Pride and Prejudice postings lately, I decided to submit a few stories here.
Botsey
Their Just Deserts
Chapter One
It was a solemn Friday when the heads of The College of Divinity met at Cambridge Hall. The meeting had been called in haste and The Most Right Reverend Clarke wasted no time in requesting that the head ministers come together so he might share with them a most singular letter, containing an equally unusual request.
Standing at the head of the table Reverend Clarke cleared his throat and looked over his spectacles. The murmur ceased, all was quiet.
"Gentlemen, I hold in my hand the key to solving a most unique problem here at Cambridge."
The gentlemen in attendance could not help but notice that the engraved note paper bore a crest and was entirely covered by a fine, tightly written script. The Reverend Clarke now addressed his secretary,
"Burton, what would you say were the five most pressing problems this year?"
Burton, who had been fiddling with his robe pleats, cleared his throat and rose,
"Sir, two come to my mind readily, during the winter, the lack of good fire wood, in the summer, the lack of a good strong wind to cool us down. One of the two perhaps we can correct."
He looked about the room for the approbation of his colleagues. Finding only quizzical looks he managed a very slight smile and continued.
"Then too, sir, we have the problem with our bread, yes our bread sir. Sometimes it is a bit moldy or too hard, but we ask the Lord to bless it all the same.
In addition, we have the inconvenience of just two tub baths a month. Could we perhaps look into the purchase of additional tubs Sir? For all of us are aware that 'cleanliness is next to godliness'. Finally, we must address the…difficulty of Mr. Collins."
"Hear, Hear," the voices of the group joined in unison. If the student body had also been present at this meeting, be assured that the sound would have been deafening.
The Most Right Reverend gestured to hush those present and continued,
"My friends, you all are aware that Cambridge is an old establishment, a national treasure, THE school of higher learning, the pinnacle of achievement, and will be here long after we go to our reward. Heat, cold, lack of bread and bath water may be addressed at any time, but gentlemen do we not all see the need to act with haste on the latter matter?"
Again, the pounding on the table and the resounding "YES," gave Clarke all the support he needed to read the correspondence in hand. Adjusting his spectacles he started thus:
"Colleagues and friends, this letter was delivered to me just this morning. I immediately sent messages to you all to convene to hear the entreaty contained in this correspondence. I will not immediately reveal the source, for that is of no great matter. Is is the substance of the letter that applies to our need…" With that introduction he began to read…
Gentlemen:
It is at this time that I take it upon myself to make an entreaty on behalf of my illustrious family and the ones that the Good Lord has put into my care, my tenants.
For many years the spiritual needs of my estate was handled quite ably by our dear pastor, who was a graduate of your esteemed institution. He was the third in his family to shepherd our parish. Just a fortnight ago, the kindly soul abandoned us by succumbing to old age, dying a widower and childless. It now behooves me, also a widow with no male heir, to take it upon myself to make sure that the needs of my tenants and the locals be addressed for at present we have no one to conduct Christian marriages or funerals.
I feel that although such matters, as addressed in this letter, are usually handled by males, but owing to my rank, the desirability of such an appointment and the connections attached thereunto, I am positive there is no breach of decorum on my part by my writing of this letter. Indeed, my turning to your establishment to provide just the right person for our needs is a wise decision with benefits to both of us. For it will connect my ancient estate and your grand university again.
Be assured, the benefits of such an appointment are great indeed. Firstly, the parson's residence is close to Rosings Park, my many windowed home which is the grandest in Kent. The recipient of this office will have access to my extensive grounds and when I have the mind to, that person will be allowed to visit my noble residence. As a person who is particularly careful to observe rank, the frequency of such visits will be properly monitored so that rank is preserved.
My dear friend, Lady Metcalfe commented on how the person who receives this appointment would be greatly benefited by the improved society here at Rosings Park. This is a distinct advantage that should not be taken lightly. Secondly, the parsonage has just recently been refurbished with great success under my careful direction. Lastly, there is the generous allowance of fifty pounds per anum.
The above is general information. I must now address the specifics. I desire a novice, unmarried, not brought up too high, a useful person who can make the allowance he receives go a long way. I also require a person who has studied horticulture for he must also tend a small garden for my use in addition to his own and have knowledge of aquatic life to manage a small lake area in the vicinity of his residence. He must be a humble person, who is open to suggestions with ample respect for persons of rank and position, sensitive to the needs of the sick and dying and with a good ear for listening to those low and high.
I am in hopes that among your most gifted students you will surely find a person that will quality for the position described above.
Sincerely,
Lady ...
As the Reverend Clarke ended the letter each member looked at his neighbor and nodded their heads in affirmation and mouthed the name, "Collins".
So it was the general consensus that among the divinity students at Cambridge there was indeed just the man for the job. He was a short fellow who displayed his humility in every body posture possible; the bowed head, the slouched shoulder, the bent knee, the Benedictine-type hand to mouth, the constant currying for favor, all the while sweating profusely. In addition there was that sideways, backwards walk that was best interpreted as the need to always be in someone's line of vision…or in the way. Oh yes, Mr. Collins would do, would do well indeed.
There was one problem though, his investiture was still three months off. There was no doubt that something had to be done in haste or else The Lady might inquire elsewhere. This matter had to be handled without delay and with just the right amount of shrewdness so that Cambridge's hallowed halls would be forever free of the man who walked backwards and was always in the way.
The Most Right Reverend asked for suggestions.
To his right an old whizzed arm waved wildly. It belonged to Reverend Smythe who usually slept on these occasions. He rose and stated he would like to give an illustration. Given to long winded speeches, a voice to his left said,
"Let's not be all day at it Smyth."
Again there was a "Hear, Hear" agreement. Smythe promised a short illustration and continued,
"If you know a lady is a lover of feathered boas, what would be a most treasured gift?"
Reverend Adams shouted without ever standing,
"Another feathered boa, but what does that have to do with it Smyth?"
Smyth responded,
"Does the person in question like attention, crave prestige, desire importance? What could be more wonderful to such a fellow than his own private ordination, gentlemen?"
There was a growing rumble of approval that reached it crescendo in resounding applause, because such a ruse would work on a man like Mr. Collins.
The Most Right Reverend inquired,
"So, my friends, shall we have a go of it? All in favor say Aye"
Before The Reverend could continue with the requirements for a Nay reply, there was the 'Aye' from all present and the plot for the early dismissal of Mr. Collins was hatched.