Losing hope makes for a happy ending

by Lady of the Rose and Rain

Looking over cliffs is so much fun.

It's even cooler to look to see what's at the bottom-sharp rocks, alligators, high water to drown in.

But you know what's coolest? When you don't care if you fall down there.

When it doesn't bother you anymore.

My name is Yusuke and I have come to the point in my life where nothing matters but a nice dive over the edge. The ultimate escape, the ultimate relief of pain.

And you know why I think I'm so cool about now?

Because I don't care if no one else does right now. And the feeling doesn't seem to go away. It sinks to the bottom of my stomach, the cradle of my soul and is being rocked gently to sleep.

What you probably don't understand is why I think this is cool.

I revel in my pain and hopelessness and it's the greatest feeling when you want the pain to stay. When you no longer need anybody or anything to comfort you or tell you everything's okay. It's a feeling of...

freedom. Liberation.

When you can enjoy pain, you can enjoy everything. But that's just my philosophy. But also from personal experience.

I have come to harsh realizations and nobody was there to comfort me. I came to the truth when I was alone and trapped to face it. I cried when no one heard me. People broke my heart and the only thing I could do was watch it slide off the wall it was thrown against. I have been taken advantage of and it took years before I realized how stupid I was to let it happen. The audience laughed as I performed for them and came to realize that my relationship to these people was nothing more than show business.

And the worst of all, no one is here to say it's okay.

My life did not get any happier because it's been so sad.

That only happens in fairy tales or movies.

I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to take hold of the wind and let it give me wings. And if I fall, I won't mind anymore, because the worst part is yet to be said.

I realized my own faults, my own shortcomings, and knew then and there that I caused my own pain-sometimes. I realized at that moment why I had stumbled in the dark for so long, so often. Have you ever tripped up so often you don't care what causes it? I have and came to realize I had been tripping over my own faults, like untied shoelaces. The problems with you, with me...

And love. I don't care who it comes from, because it hasn't mattered who it came from, it's all useless. You fall head over heels for someone who doesn't care about you and won't ten years after they've taken your soul and thrown it in their purse or pocket. Feelings can blind anyone and they've blinded me to taking a fall.

Over a cliff.

Then those stupid questions start. What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why didn't I see that before? How could I have been so stupid?

Then the loneliness starts. You wonder if you're destined to be with anybody anymore. You're too stupid to see the truth and know too much to go back into something you can't see through. Nobody will hold your hand or suddenly come and sweep you off your feet like a fairy tale, he or she came because you're sooo deserving, you've suffered and now you deserve happiness.

Someone should be shot for making those stories, making children believe that crap. That's why they can't accept reality now. Why I can't accept it now. I guess.

I don't care if no one else does about my pain. I don't really care if no one cares if I die.

And you know something, it's the greatest feeling in the world, I really haven't had it in a while.

Of course, though, you know I've already done it, jumped off, of course.

In my soul last night, I spread my arms at the ever-embracing sky, not caring if I'd ever reach there, now or dead.

I jumped off the cliff and no one was around.

If you see Yusuke, send this letter to him and tell him what happened last night. He's probably wondering where I went.

Why he feels like he's missing something...