I've been to hell and back

Things moving in slow motion. The hands of the clock, taunting me.

Pointing and laughing because this is the one thing I have no control
over.

I have no control over time.

I'm in constant purgatory. Every now and then God
finds something decent I've done with my life .But
those are overshadowed by my bitterness. The things
I let hold me back. Because I had to fight.

For a chance. For equality, for my own personal
freedom.
**********************
All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath
**********************

I have a dream

I have a dream my brothers will stop dying. I have a dream
that I will never have to look into the eyes of another
frightened mother and shatter her world.

"Ma'am, we tried everything we could. Your son/daughter
passed away on the table"

But it comes with the job. So I pay by living in purgatory.

Somewhere between heaven and hell.

I've made hearts beat

Felt blood pumping through veins.

Watched life slip away. Some passed away with their
eyes open, frozen in fear.

This is your final resting place.

Watched some just slip into death, like they'll
wake up.

I've held hearts in my hands.
*****************************

and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
******************************

He's blabbing

Talking about something. How much he has to thank me for.

I didn't do a thing.

He was naive. Young,stupid,and naive. All I did was show him
how to open his eyes.

Now he acts like he owes me the world.

"Because of you,I'm a good doctor"

So eager, like when he was thrown at my feet. The first time eager.
Expecting. Waiting and wanting.

"Not yet. But keep trying" he should know me by now,"You're almost there"

Almost.

And I had worried I killed his spirit.
***********************
Companion to our demons
they will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
making darkness in the day
**********************

Selfish

Masotic

Psychotic

Egotistical

But she can cut me back down to size.

I feel like I owe her the world. And I'd give it to her.

You need self-assurance to make it this far. You need self-love
to stay there.

Baby steps. Everything in baby steps.

I have to learn to trust.

I've learned to love. I've fought to love. I had to fight.

My life is a fight.

The one pure thing. Reese. Had to fight to help him. To love him.
To show him how to communicate with me. How to hear me tell him
'I love you'

I had to fight to keep him

My imperfect angel. My baby.

My life. My little soul.

My love.
**********************
It will be easy to look in or out
upstream or down without a thought
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
************************


"You okay?"

The house is quiet. It's usually quiet. There's no yelling. No screaming.
No loud blaring tv.

"Yeah" I buried my face in her bare shoulder

"You sure, Peter?"

She knows me so well.

Big brown eyes. Sometimes they can look so old when she's
tired. Exhausted.

"Am I doing the right thing?"

There's a quiet

"You know the answer to that one" her fingertips run over my head,
over my neck, and down my back.

I know the answer.
******************
I won't fear love
I won't fear love
I won't fear love...