Mr. Monday: Just so we're clear, I'm not an ass gardener, so all of my knowledge of the Twilight story comes from shitty movie trailers and a hilarious Cracked topic. This will probably be removed in the future, but I'm a Nathan, and Nathans don't run.
The Smell of Roses (Or whatever pretentious title got you to read this story):
"You best be comin' here bitch, before I bust a cap in yo ass!" Edward shouted, although Nick Frost played a character named Ed so from now on I will refer to him as Tattoo.
"Go away!" Bella shouted, but since Bella means beautiful and the author wrote this about herself, Bella will now be called octopussy.
"Biatch you knows I needs ya blood!" Tattoo had for whatever reason started dressing and acting like a black stereotype, so really he was dressing and acting like Eminem.
"Fuck this!" Octopussy stormed out of the apartment that they had owned for ten years to go meet that wolf-asshole who had eaten her daughter. Her gay friends could usually cheer her up after all.
"Octopussy you have to dump him!" That wolf douche announced in an incredibly obnoxious effeminate voice. Like always he wasn't wearing a shirt, although it was winter, and th3ey were in Chicago, so his body had turned black with frost bite. This didn't seem to bother him.
"But fucktard, I'm writing a book about how awesome I am and how in love we are, and if anyone knew he were abusing me my book deal would be cancelled!" The selfish and stupid Octopussy cried.
"I see your problem." The god-awful wolf dude noted.
"What am I going to do?" Tattoo aksed his generic vampire friend. Both were in a bathhouse, and both were very sparkly. Also they had been having sex.
"You have to tell that the only reason you're abusing her is because you're secretly gay." His generic gay friend told him.
"But whenever a slight problem happens to her she goes off and sulks in the wood and expects some eye-candy monster to save her then tell her how much they love her." Tattoo whined, cauisng his gay friend's resentment to build, leading to Tattoo getting smacked.
Before they could mope anymore the wall of their house was broken down by Frankenstein, who was dressed up as an emo. Following him was a mummy who was just an Abercrombie and Fitch Model in some bandages.
"The fuck dude?" Tattoo asked.
The Frankentsein dropped Octopussy onto the ground in front of them, before leaving on rollerblades, although the mummy was there to stay, although most of that time was spent having sex with the generic vampire.
"Octopussy listen, you may think it's very odd of me, but I enjoy the act of sodomy." Tattoo explained.
"So you're an abusive asshole because you're gay?" Octopussy asked.
"Shut the fucks up biatch whiles I'm talking." To prove his point tattoo had to smack a bitch.
"Welly-welly well? What do we have here my droogies?" A third, british voice inquired. Four teenage boys dressed all in white and wearing masks walked into the house, all carrying canes, except the one who was carrying a chain, he wasn't carrying a stick at all.
"It looks like some gloopy cry-fest."The one who was carrying a chain said. "Like they're wee-babies."
While the apparent leader began singing a terrific song Tattoo was beaten to a pulp by the dancing teens, while Octopussy was forced to watch. They were going to rape her, but realized that they'd really rather not. At all. Finally they all were satisfied and left.
"THE FUCK!" Another voice shouted.
Another teenager walked into the room, wearing a Misfits shirt and carrying a shotgun.
"Who the fuck be you?" The dying Tattoo asked.
"I'm the author, I was trying to end this by killing you with a crossover, but that didn't work out at all." The teen sighed. "Oh well." He instantly raised the shotgun and began firing at the cast of the fic, killing Tattoo, Octopussy, the unbearable wolf-douche, the gay vampire, the gay mummy, the emo Frankenstien, and only sparing that really energetic blonde girl. The author had assumed she had a really good ecstasy dealer, and it turns out she did.
And they all lived happily ever after.