Another one-shot fanfiction for Naruto. Gaara is one of my favourite characters and I really enjoy writing about him. I had a nice idea, that it turned out into a special (at least to me) writing. I hope you will like it too.
Post-canon
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I own the title and the plot of this story. Also I don't own the cover image; I found it on the Internet so the credit goes to the original artist! This is non-profit story and I'm not making any money from it.
Projected Life
Gaara's P.O.V.
It was another sunny day at the Hidden Village of the Sand. The sun was at the higher level up the sky, spreading its light generously, and the wind was blowing, entering my office and making the papers on my desk shuffle.
Suddenly I lifted my head, pulling my eyes from the reports and the list with the upcoming missions, to take a look around the room; it was quiet and the weather was warm, yet I caught something in the air. Something was traveling within the wind and I was able to sense it with every gust, alarming every cell in my body.
Even though I wasn't feeling any threat or evil intentions, from the people around and into the building, I was on standby for everything.
Everything but that…
With no warning, an acute pain stabbed me like a knife straight to my heart. My hand grabbed the fabric of my clothes above my chest, and I gritted my teeth, in an attempt to endure the pain. But every try to breathe was like a task.
I wasn't able to think straight or realize what was happening to me; was it an ambush or a secret technique? My thoughts were tangled and my mind was a mess already. My vision was a bluer; all the colors and the images were mixed, like someone was messing with reality.
Was it a gen justu? But the pain was too real to be an illusion. I might have grown up with an absolute defense, therefore I didn't knew a lot about physical pain, but the less I knew about a hurting flash, the more I knew about a painful heart. And right now, even into my blurriness, I was sure that the pain was real.
But when I started reaching my limits, believing that the end was coming, the whole world turned upside down, covering my eyes with thousands of flashes. Images were racing before my eyes, dancing in a crazy rhythm. I couldn't follow, yet I tried, losing myself into the speed of lights and find me again, but as a viewer of a story. It was a story of a person –a man's life- and every chapter had a different theme, but all together was creating a separate set. In a course that had me travel many years back in time, in a distant but familiar sensation.
I saw this story before, but the last time I wasn't simply watching it…
I blinked my eyes… and… the flashbacks began…
The knot unfolded before my eyes. Projected me, a story that had a little bit of everything.
Click…
Just… what am I?
All began with an innocent first breath of a great mystery. The mystery of life.
…
I filled my lugs with air, crying into my first breath of life, opening for the first time and getting blinded by the light …
Not that I was able to understand what was happening to me. I was just a new born baby that was crying, feeling cold and irritated. Everything around me was so uncomfortable and totally unfamiliar with what I was used to feeling for many months now.
…
I blink my eyes. The baby wasn't alone; several people were there, a man was holding the little baby while people around were watching, commenting. I recognized my father and Chiyo-granny, along with some other people whose faces I've never seen before.
"He is small… So he was premature?"
"Are you sure he will be all right?" my father asked with a hit of worry in his voice.
"He is adapting," Chiyo-granny said. "At last, with the third child we know he is compatible. This child must be brought up with great care."
She said that but without realizing it, I bit my lower lip. Great care? Was I really raised with great care growing up?
I was ready to go deep into my memories, being in a hurry to make the story flow faster when a soft voice reached me, making my heart skip a beat.
"Please let me see… my child's face."
My father ran to her; his face was written with agony and fear. "Are you all right, Karura?!"
I saw the man who was holding me, immediately following my mother's request, placing my small body near her.
"He is... so tiny."
The monitor started biting crazily, and for a moment I closed my eyes, not wanting to see what was next.
"Lady Karura's heart rate is dropping."
"Do something! Quick!" I heard my father ordering, getting aggressive.
I covered my ears, not wanting to hear anything else. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see anything else. I wasn't a baby anymore and I was able to understand the pain of losing someone dear.
But it was there where I heard a soft whisper. I opened my eyes and ears just in time to hear those words again, that reached me, hugged me, and kept me alive.
"No matter what happens, I will always protect you, Gaara," my mother promised with an unbreakable promise.
Click…
What was I?
Was I still a baby? No, not anymore.
Was I still innocent? No… I was already a sinner.
I already killed my mother, coming to this life, but that wasn't something I caused on purpose. Unlike now…
The wind was blowing, scattering the sand with every gust. But not my sand; my sand was there, near me, surrounded me and protecting me. It wasn't that I liked what I was doing, but I couldn't stop it either. It was night, but the colors were so clear. Bright red was shinning in the moonlight and I was there, staring at a human form lying down on the ground.
Dead…
And I was the one who took the light from his eyes that now were empty. I was wondering why I was there, staring at the consequences of my actions with a mess of feelings. Was it the first time? No, it wasn't. That's why I knew that pain would follow me after a while; a pain I wasn't able to handle, because it was a pain straight to my heart.
But I let it be as I was walking away, hiding myself in the deep night. I walked home, feeling somehow that my legs were leading me on their own. Even though I kept my eyes away, I was still able to see the hate in their eyes; a hate that I perfectly knew that I deserved. After all, it was too late for anything. I wasn't a baby anymore and I wasn't pure. And I was a cold murderer already, living as a burden, and spreading horror to everyone around me.
Click…
I was sitting alone again at the roof of a building. Water was running though my eyes, but my hands were too busy to wipe them away, grabbing the fabric of my clothes that was covering my heart. The pain was unbearable. I can't do anything to make it stop, but it was impossible to keep enduring it.
I knew that I had to do something to change the facts but at the same time, I knew that there was nothing strong enough that could be able to change anything.
I closed my eyes, trying to erase the images of other people's eyes, when they were staring at me. I always had the feeling that if the eyes could kill, then not even my sand would be able to protect me from their flaming glares.
I was lost in my personal sorrow when my defense alarmed, raising to create a wall around me, protecting me. I turned, both surprised and confused, to see a man with a mask on his face standing behind me and getting ready for another attack.
His knifes tore the wind, but I had nothing to be afraid of. My sand stopped everything, making all of his attempts go waste.
He tried again, but that wasn't enough to get me. But his actions made everything so clear. Again!? Just how many times had they tried to kill me already?
Something stirred inside of me, making my blood boil with an undead anger.
"Why!?" I yelled in anger. "Why only me?"
As an answer, I saw a dozen knifes flying in my direction, alarming my sand again. And again, everything happened so fast. His blood stained the nearby wall and I saw him falling on the ground as I walked near him. Only then I felt cold chills up my spine.
"Who is he?" I wondered, feeling my hands tremble at the side; another man was dead, another crime was made.
Click…
I felt my stomach turning, emptying the inside, seeing Yasamaru lying there, hopeless. The pain in my heart only grew when he started talking, explaining his reasons for trying to kill me. It wasn't the first time anyway that my father tried to get rid of me, and even though I was able to understand, I was still confused. But that time it was the first time that my whole world –or whatever was still there as my world- collapsed and blew away, like drifting grains of sand.
Yasamaru demolished my sanity, taking away from me the only cure I still had; my mother's love.
That was her wish… he said. "This name will be known as Gaara, a demon that loves only itself. Love only yourself, and fight for yourself. Then you will continue to exist."
My breath died on my lips. My heart stopped beating. My mind was refusing to believe the true lies that the only man I cared about and trusted was spelling aloud to me. I was still hearing them echoing in my head, making my angst unbearable.
Click…
And the nightmare began. My reality was torture. My life became an endless nightmare and I had lost count of the times where I was wishing for time to speed up so I could fall asleep, alone again in my bed and let myself sink into the dream world. Because even my most terrible nightmares I watched at nights couldn't match the nightmare that I was living while I was awake.
And the drama of my life didn't stop there as my days and nights only became worst.
It was a complete failure, I was a failure! Bonded to live in a world without light or warmness, carrying a painful heart and cursing the world I was living in.
Click…
An endless hate was smoldering in my heart. I hated everyone and everything. Deep in my heart, a hole was still standing and my despaired mind wanted to take back what my father and everyone else took away from me.
Like those tragic endings in the fairytales that turned into an unpleasant story without a single trace of light.
But what was I able to do? What did I know to do best?
Why do I exist and live? I need to know while I am alive, or it is the same as me being dead. And this is the conclusion I came to… I existed to kill everyone other than me…
I was living for myself since everyone wanted me dead.
I loved only myself since that was my mother's last wish.
I knew what I had to do to stay alive, even with a broken heart. Even my love was bleeding from the inside. I knew that I had to service at any cost. And I was ready to kill anyone who would stand in my way.
I blinked my eyes… and…
I gasped…
'So that was my life?' I wondered as my memories and the flashes gave me a break so I could wipe my tears from my eyes.
I shook my head lightly. No, this was only a part of my life. The darkest and most terrible part where I lived as a true monster.
But only now did I start to wonder if I was actually living back then.
I shook my head again, taking a deep breath. Actually, I wasn't living… I was only trying to survive and I couldn't be surer about it, because my life actually started when I met a certain man. That day was the first day of the rest of my life.
I allowed a soft smile and a lighter heartbeat, getting ready for another flash show.
I blinked my eyes… and…
Click…
He saved me. Naruto was there, yelling at me, attacking me, trying to protect what was dear to him. I was refusing to hear him, yet I couldn't shut my ears or eyes in front of him.
I was hurt, but no one was seeing it.
I was in pain, but no one was able to understand it.
I was alone, but no one was there to give me a hand.
No one… but him!
Naruto saw me, understood me, and held me his hand to comfort me. And I took it, getting ready to accept whatever I did in my miserable life. All the mistakes I made, all the terror I scattered and all the pain I caused in my madness.
Because right there I finally realize that I wasn't alone anymore. And that helped me open up my eyes and my heart. I didn't only love myself anymore. I didn't want to suffer alone.
This time, I came to another conclusion making up my mind. I took my final decision and I started living for the first time. And with an honest apology, I began to fix my relationship with everyone, starting with my siblings.
Click…
And so my life turned upside down, being able to abound my hate and anger and starting to live in a dream rather than a nightmare. Naruto offered me his friendship and that was the first step. With an understanding smile, because he was like me, that man changed my whole being.
I was able to forget and forgive, and therefore be forgiven. Naruto was like me, after all. He knew my pain and he was able to understand me better than anyone. He became my ticket to real life, my first friend, my first real bond with the world of men.
I blinked my eyes… and…
I gasped…
And that was how a new chapter began in my life. I wanted to become needed, instead of a weapon that was feared. This was how I opened up my eyes, waking up from my dreamless nightmare and being able to stay awake. Life was never easy for me, but I had to admit that I chose the hard way.
I chose to hate everyone and love only myself and only later did I realize that it wasn't the right way. I had to love others in order to become stronger.
And it was time to re-watch another chapter of my life; one that I never believed that I was worthy enough to live and, most of all, feel. I knew about pain, suffering, loneliness, war and death… I knew about love, true love, but I had only felt it for myself and no one ever loved me. Why would someone like me deserved to be loved after all?
I was always wondering, but I never had the courage to ask anyone. Maybe because this was another great puzzle of life and if I was getting the answer then the whole mystery would have lost its charm.
I took another breath, counting my heartbeats and knowing that the story wouldn't hold for much longer. I opened my eyes wide, not wanting to lose a moment of this flash.
I blinked my eyes… and…
Click…
I saw her face again and my heart skipped a beat.
Medium length brown hair, dark eyes, and fair skin. It was the first time I met her being my one and only student, that chose me as her teacher with her own will. She had nothing important, but only after many years did I realize that I was wrong. She was the first person that actually accepted me from my village. She overtook her fears of me and chose me to become her teacher, while everyone else chose Temari and Kankuro.
I was nothing but a monster back there, someone who could kill without a hesitation, without a second thought, even those who did nothing to me. Everyone was afraid of me, but she… She wasn't scared… She entrusted in me her dreams to become a Shinobi of the Sand Village. But not only. Since that very first moment I met her, I saw her gentle side of her character, because unlike me, she didn't want to hurt anyone.
…
"We will harm others if we use weapons. We may even kill them," she said, having full trust in her words.
I wanted to prove her wrong. "A weapon is…" I started, opening my eyes and fixing my gaze with her. And it was there when all the words died on my lips. "It's nothing…"
…
But was it? Was it nothing?
I felt my heart beating faster re-watching again the first day I met her. I didn't realize it back then, but that day changed my life, perhaps as much as the day I met Uzumaki Naruto.
…
"Gaara, smile, smile!" Temari promoted me, and with a good excuse, "If you keep that sullen look, everyone will be scared and no one will choose you."
I had changed; I had no intentions to kill others, just to feel alive, but deep in my heart I knew that that my citizens wanted to have nothing to do with me. I wasn't wanted, let alone needed. And my sister was right… to some extent. Everyone, out of fear, chose my siblings… everyone but her.
She stood there; she didn't move an eyelash, staring at me with determination. Or I thought so before she marched a bit closer.
"Umm… please…" she muttered, totally unsure.
"Are you sure?" My voice cut like a knife and my eyes locked on her. If she wanted to pull back, now was her chance.
It was strange, something strange was happening to me. Back there I kept my feelings hidden, but it was me who was unsure. Was I really worthy enough to become a teacher? Was I good enough to take someone else under my protection? Secretly I wanted her to give it another thought and choose Temari or Kankuro, but… at the same time, I didn't. Because this was my chance to try.
"Please," she repeated, not changing her mind.
I went near her. "Your name?" I asked.
She became nervous. "I-it's Matsuri…"
I blinked my eyes… and…
Click…
"Matsuri…" I whispered, allowing myself a warm smile.
A lot happened since that day where I challenged her to pick her weapon and attack me as if she wanted to kill me. Sunny days with practice and sunset horizons, with me fighting against the woman that I had under my care. At first, I was feeling that as her teacher I had to protect her and help her become stronger, but that wasn't as easy as it looked.
Because it was just like the first impression she gave me. "There's a saying, "Oni ni Kanabou," but it doesn't suit you."
And of course it didn't suit her. Matsuri was too kind and gentle, with much light in her heart. She was a shy and very soft-spoken girl, but most of all, Matsuri was the one… even if it took me years to realize it.
The days were passing endlessly, I became Kazekage, but Matsuri was still my first and only pupil. No one chose me again, but after a while I stopped offering for the teacher's job. Especially after I became Kazekage, I had no time for that. However, Matsuri remained under my care, even though she stopped being my student.
To speak the truth, she was and always would be my student and I would always be her teacher, but Matsuri became more things to me. She was my partner at work, my secretary at the hours where I had to work without rest, my commander on missions. She…
…She cared for me, she looked after me, she was there to take care of me… without complaining, without pushing or forcing herself. She was there to smile at me and even dragged me to bed sometimes or forced me to eat something, when work was taking all of my time.
I blinked my eyes… and…
Click…
"Shouldn't you be in bed, instead of nagging at me to get some sleep?" I asked her one night, looking at her with cold eyes.
However, that didn't make her lose her spirit. "Gaara-sama, I can't rest and leave you here working all night long alone."
"Just go to bed," I ordered her, turning my attention to the reports on my desk. But I lost my chance to keep reading as Matsuri grabbed my hand. I lifted my eyes to meet hers, both confused and irritated. I had work to do and sleep wasn't that important for me. But…
"No, I won't, Gaara-sama!" she stated flatly.
"Matsuri…" I started, only to forget what I wanted to say when she…
I felt her hand on my face that made me freeze for a moment. Even under the sand I was able to feel her warm touch, and I thought that her eyes were also burning when she made contact with mine.
"Not until you get some sleep as well," she said. "If you ignore me, something that you usually do, then I'll stay here with you to make sure that you will be alright."
'Idiot,' I thought but I allowed a smile to appear on my lips as I placed my hand above hers too and held it tight so I could still feel her warmness.
Click…
"Idiot!" I yelled, furious.
I was lying on the ground with my back, totally untouched, unharmed and unspoiled, unlike the girl that was now lying on top of me. She couched, trying to take a breath. Her face was pale as a ghost and covered with dirt and blood.
She struggled to move, but the pain that was written all over her face didn't let her. "G-Gaara-sama… a-are you ok?"
"Why?" I asked, my hand that was warped around her felt something warm and sticky, and it wasn't hard to realize that it was her blood.
Matsuri ran onto me, putting herself as a shield between me and the enemy's attack. What a foolish thing to do; my sand… my protection… but no. With those enemies not even my mother's love was able to fully protect me. I could possibly be dead if Matsuri… And even though I was angry I still couldn't scold her, I couldn't stay angry with her.
Everything around me had suddenly stopped, leaving standstill in a place where only I and Matsuri were. She coughed again… blood… and my eyes widened as fear clenched my insides, grabbing my heart and squishing it hard.
"G-Gaara-sa-ma… I-I…"
"Why did you protect me? Why?"
Matsuri formed a painful smile, moving her hand up, to touch my face. "B-because I-I…" her voice dropped, as the light from her eyes started to fade.
"Matsuri?!"
She opened her eyes with force, looking upon me. "B-because I… l-love you… G-Gara-sama…" her voice was only a soft whisper, before her eyes closed again and her hand dropped from my face.
But it was enough to alarm me, making every single muscle in my body move on its own.
Click…
"He came back… He was holding her and even though he was injured as well, he insisted to take care of the girl first."
Voices reached me, disturbing me from my sleep. I was feeling tired and totally uncomfortable but it didn't take me long to realize that I was sitting in a chair, while my head was resting on my hands as I was lying at the edge of a bed.
"They hurt Gaara? What kind of warriors they were?" I heard Kankuro asking all worryingly.
"Hmm, and how is Matrusi?" Temari inquired.
"She will be ok. She was seriously injured, but Gaara-sama made it in time and now her life is not in danger. Gaara never left her side."
I didn't pay any more attention; I heard what I wanted to hear. I was feeling stiff and it wasn't a great surprise, since the medi-ninja was absolutely right; I never left Matrusi's side, not once, and only some time ago I fell asleep near her. I lifted my head and my breath stuck in my throat, as Matsuri's dark eyes were peering into mine.
"Gaara-sama," she whispered with a weak, unstable voice. "I'm so happy you're alright."
I had felt love before. I knew how to love, but this was different; totally different. Because this time my heart wasn't beating for myself and that kind of beat was stronger than anything else. But it was then where all the words died and only actions were left to take place, giving and receiving my first kiss.
Click…
"I will always love you, Gaara-sama," Matsuri smiled at me, and under the moonlight her face lit up like it was being hit by the brightest light. She hugged me, pressing her arms around my waist.
"You should stop calling me Gaara-sama, Matsuri," I said softly, warping one arm around her and holding her close to my body.
She tilted her head to look at me, confused, but I took some time staring at the starry, cloudless sky and holding the world in my lap. I closed my eyes, enjoying the peacefulness in the air. Then I looked down at her face and formed a slight smile.
"You're my wife now, Matsuri, and no matter what, I'll always protect and love you, 'til the end of my days," I promised, making an eternal vow with all of my heart.
After all, love is the spirit of devoting yourself to someone important and close to you…
I blinked my eyes… and…
I gasped…
I felt water in my eyes, viewing the romance in my life. Even now that I lived my life with the woman I was in love with for so many years, I still wondered how it was possible that such a wonderful and full of light being like her, was able to love someone like me… but I never asked her. I knew she loved me and it was enough.
I took a deep breath, feeling my heartbeat getting weaker. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. The story was marching to its end, because nothing lasts forever; every story has an end. It started from a mystery and a first cry of breath, to end up at the eternal knowledge.
I closed my eyes, resting my mind and leaving myself at the hands of nature… I wasn't scared –quite the opposite- as my breath became heavier.
The end was near… but I still had one last chapter to see… and maybe the most important one. Even if it was passing through my eyes with great speed, I was still able to re-live the most wonderful moments.
I blinked my eyes… and…
Click…
"Matsuri, are you alright?" I asked my wife worryingly. She was pale, and weak, covered with sweat, yet she had a flash in her eyes that I was seeing for the first time.
Just like and for the first time in my life I was becoming a father.
"She is so beautiful," Matsuri whispered, holding our daughter tight in her arms. "She looks like you, Gaara."
I bit my lips to keep myself together. Do monsters deserve to have kids? Do I really deserve something as wonderful and rare as a desert rose? I hugged my wife and our treasure, not wanting to let them go. I will always hold them both in my arms and in a true hug.
Click…
"Daddy?!" Rose laughed, waving her hand in the air.
I was at my office, looking down at my precious daughter training with my wonderful wife. She was still a kid, but she was already powerful enough to beat her mother down.
"Did you see that, Daddy?" she asked me, raising her voice as the soft wind took her words away and made her long red hair shuffle. "Mom couldn't face my strong sand!"
And I couldn't help but smile as well, hearing her loud laugh.
Click…
"Do you really have to go, Daddy?" Rose asked after she stopped me, grabbing my hand, preventing me from walking out the door. "I heard this mission is very dangerous."
I turned to look up at my daughter's worrying face and knelt down to be at the same height as her. With my free hand I patted her head. "Don't worry, Rose, your daddy is strong and will protect what is precious to him."
She sniffed her nose. "I know, but…"
"Don't worry," I repeated, and stood up. "Stay here and I'll come to you as soon as I can."
"You promise?"
I made a soft smile. "I promise," I vowed when my daughter hugged me tightly.
"Take care, Daddy."
I was able to see her pure heart reflected in her dark eyes as I looked above my shoulder, running away from her…
No matter what, I would protect my family, my village and what's precious to me.
I blinked my eyes… and…
I gasped…
My time was ending… but I still had some minutes.
I gasped…
I'm old now; I lived more than enough time for a shinobi. Yet at the threshold of my last breath, I'm able to see clearer my whole life.
All the breaths I took and all the moments that stole my breath away.
I gasped…
My time was ending, but I was feeling grateful. Because at life's last touch, I have no regrets for what I did or said. Everything I lived made me who I am today and if I had the chance to change it, I still wouldn't.
I gasped…
Life is hard and not always fair, but it's always beautiful. My eyes were closed but I don't need them open anymore.
Finally, I can see.
The story of my life was turning back, challenging me, but I didn't change my mind.
A bad life, a good life, a nightmarish life, a peaceful life. I already died once and a second chance was given to me.
I gasped…
After all, death is not the end. It's only the beginning of another adventure, and no matter how much pain, suffering, war, and loneliness will hold, I will keep going.
I gasped…
I'm ready to go back and start my new adventure, writing a new story.
I gasped…
I'm already going back… back to the beginning of the end…back to the first day of my life… back so I could…
Meeting the first… pure heart
Hearing the first… loud laugh
Giving the first… true hug
Exchange the first… eternal vow
Having the first… kiss
Humming the first… soft whisper
Receiving the first… warm touch
Making the first… real bond
Getting the first… understanding smile
Fixing the first… relationship
Saying the first… honest apology
Living with the first… endless hate
Carrying the first… painful heart
Believing the first… true lie
Feeling the first… undead anger
Becoming the first… cold murder
Hearing the first… unbreakable promise
And taking the first… innocent breath…
…
I formed a soft, calm smile. My breath was ending, but I was happy.
I'm ready to go back… and start over again… the same trip… the same journey. I'm ready to walk the same path that connects the first and the last end at the other side…
I'm ready to start all over again… and ready to solve this strange mystery of life.
I gasped…
And I started my life again… from the beginning… at the first day of my life…
…
Click!
And I filled my lugs with air, crying into my first breath…
And I smiled, opening my eyes for the first time and getting blinded by the light…
The End (or the beginning)
My special thanks to my beta EndlessNight025!
Review and tell me what you think! ^_^
Guest-Umm: thanks for taking time to comment but I feel that I have to reply and I have no other way but do it here (a PM would be better though). My story IS post-canon. Gaara is older, he grew up, he married, he had a kid etc. 'til he died. It's not wrong to say post-canon, just because the anime/manga is still on, because I made Gaara being way older.
English is not my first Language and I made many mistake. I already apologized at my profile in advance, for that. My beta is still a human and it's totally logical and ok to miss some mistakes. I'm still grateful for helping me out without something in return.
I'm updated with both anime and manga, which I watched and read only last year, so I have everything too fresh, plus I re-watched plenty of episodes while I was writing my story. Saying that my "information was slightly inaccurate" made me wonder if you watch/remember the anime. I used same dialogues with the flashbacks along with my head-cannon ideas about Gaara's life. If you can, please be more specific with the "slightly inaccurate".
As for the way I made him die... It's totally fine if you don't like my idea, but this is a fanfiction after all and we all use our imagination to create plots and stories, so I think it would be better to be ready to read things that you probably won't like.
Also I'm not offended. Thank you for your time and feedback. But if there is something else you want to share with me, do it in a PM.