Trying To Understand
By: Me-rite-much
A/N: I have had this fic idea for such a long time. I am so dedicated to this one fic that I have done lots of research on the topic I will be writing about. I don't know if it's the results of the research, or just the plot of the fic, but I have spent so much time with this idea that im actually getting depressed over it. I am finally writing this thing so I can get it done with and move on to other stuff. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate the fic, but I guess im just so dedicated to my stories that the feelings rub off sometimes. O well, once this fic is done I will be able to get on with another fic.
Now, I won't lie, I myself have never lost any friends to suicide. But there has been so much ramble lately about people killing themselves and how much pain it causes their families. I guess this fic is just to tell about what kind of suffering people go through and about how they find closure. I hope this fic will help those who really have lost loved ones in any way.
WARNING: THIS FIC HAS MAJOR ANGST AND SUICIDE!
@@@@@@@@@
The truth still hadn't sunk in when Matt found out Tai had committed suicide the night before. He couldn't believe that just yesterday he was talking with the other boy about regular stuff like school, games, and sports. Matt was shocked when his dad woke him up, telling him Kari was on the phone crying like crazy and saying she needed to talk with him. Matt was expecting to have fun this Saturday, like any other kid would, then hearing his dad telling him Tai's sister had called and told him what happened. "What?!" Matt screamed into the phone in horror when he heard what Kari said.
"I. . . don't know why he, please no! Please no! god why did this ha. . ." Was all Kari was able to blurt out as she cried insanely on the other line. "Listen, Kari!" Matt screamed into the phone. "I am on my way! Please calm down. Where are your parents?" Matt tried to communicate over Kari's bawling. "Mo. . . om and Da. . .a. . .d are ca. . .ling the pol. . .ice ri. . . ght now." Kari managed to choke between sobs. "What's going on son?" Matt's dad asked as he heard his son screaming into the phone.
"Dad, Kari just told me Tai killed himself last night." Matt said with a scared tone. "What? But why? He was a very happy kid." "I don't know, I just need you to take me to his house right now please." Matt quickly responded as he got on the phone again to calm Kari down. "Ok, we need to hurry then." Matt's dad said as he rushed into the living room to get his car keys. Matt finished the phone call by telling Kari a few more comforting words then hanging up and rushing to get to his dad's car.
They got there about five minutes later. Matt's dad drove like a madman, rushing past two red lights. Luckily it was still very early in the morning and on a Saturday so only about three people were around when they were going to Tai's apartment. Matt quickly ran out of the car, his dad right behind him. Matt raced to get to the apartment complex, and once he reached the entrance, he saw Sora and Izzy were already there. Kari was crying on Sora's shoulder as some medics and police officers were going inside the building. There was one ambulance, and about three police cars on the street.
Matt quickly ran over to Kari, Sora, and Izzy. "I'm really sorry this happened Kari. . ." Matt said as he walked over to the emotionally destroyed little girl and hugged her. "How did it happen?" Matt asked Sora. "Kari told me her mom found Tai still in bed with his wrists slashed. She woke up early to check on Tai and Kari and screamed when she found him." "Oh my god" Matt barely mouthed out. "How could Tai do this to himself?" "This isn't your fault Matt." Izzy quickly reminded the blonde. "This is no ones fault. . ." Kari and Sora were still crying too much to speak. "Kari," Matt's dad tried to get Kari's attention. "Are your parents still up in the building?" Kari nodded weakly as tears continued to pour down her eyes. "Matt, wait here while I go to talk with Tai's parents." Matt nodded as his dad quickly rushed inside the complex.
Izzy had a blank expression on his face as he looked at Kari and Sora crying. "Why did Tai do this?" Kari tried to speak. "Sshhh," Sora tried to comfort Kari. "I don't know, just please, try not to think about it." All Matt could do was just help comfort Kari. Izzy sat down put a hand on Kari's shoulder as a few tears escaped his eyes as well. A few minutes passed by with Kari, Sora, Matt, and Izzy crying and trying to comfort Kari, until a medic came outside and called Matt over. "Please take the child away from here, we are about to bring the body through."
Matt nodded and quickly ran over to Sora to tell her. "Sora, we gotta get Kari away, they are going to bring Tai's body through." Kari was still crying on Sora's shoulder so she didn't hear what Matt had told Sora. Matt quickly rushed Sora up so she and Kari can move so they wouldn't have to see the medics take Tai's body away. Izzy quietly followed, but Kari started to get worried. "Sora, what's going on? Where are we going? Where are they taking Tai?!" "Please Kari" Sora pleaded with the little girl. "Let's just move out of the way ok."
"No!" Kari yelled as she started to try to run from Sora. "They can't take Tai away, no!" Kari tried to break the strong hold all three kids had to keep her from running. "No! I want to see my brother! Let go!" Kari was actually beginning to break loose of the hold Matt, Sora, and Izzy had on her. "Let go! Let me go!" Kari started crying out as the medics began to bring out the body from the apartment building in a covered stretcher.
"No! Tai no!" Kari screamed as she saw her dead brother being taken to the ambulance. "Kari, don't look!" Izzy yelled out over her cries. Kari was beginning to break down in tears again when she realized there was nothing she could do about her brother. Kari's parents rushed out after the medics. Kari's mother was also crying as well as she tried to chase the ambulance, but her husband had a big hold on her to keep her from going. "There's nothing we can do!" Kari's father yelled as he continued to try and calm down his wife. "Why!? Why god why!?" Kari's mother screamed in agony as she fell to her knees. "Mommy!" Kari yelled as she ran over to her mother and father.
"Please tell me this isn't real mommy! Please!" the little girl bawled onto her mother and fathers shoulders as they embraced her. "Why did Tai do this?" Sora tried to brush away her tears. Matt couldn't do anything else but just observe the scene. Sora walked over to the sidewalk curb and sat down. Matt and Izzy followed her to the curb. "Why Matt, why?" Sora weakly said as more tears were welding up in her eyes. "I really wish I knew why, Sora." Matt said. "I really wish I knew. . ."
Mimi had arrived about an hour later, but Matt didn't have the heart to call T.K. and tell his little brother what took place. "But Matt," Sora told the boy as she saw him hang up the public phone he was calling from. "You have to tell him, he will find out sooner or later." "Yeah but Sora, I don't want to break it to him like this. . ." "Matt, It would be better if he heard it from you then from anyone else." Matt finally gave up and called his mother. "Hi, mom. . ." he said with a defeated tone. "Is T.K. there? I have something important to tell him. . ."
"Kari!" T.K. yelled as he ran out of his moms SUV to comfort Kari just a half hour after Matt had called him and told him what Tai had done. "I'm so sorry this happened. . ." the little 8-year old boy said as he hugged the crying girl. "It's. . . not your. . . fault. W. . . hy are you. . . apologizing." Kari barely managed to say as another barrage of tears flowed from her eyes. T.K.'s mother quickly ran over to Kari's parents. "I'm very sorry about your loss." T.K.s mother said as she tried to talk to Kari's parents. She looked around then saw her other son, Matt, sitting on the street curb with Sora and Izzy. "Are you ok son?" Matt's mom said as she got his attention. "Yeah, I'm alright I guess. I just can't figure out why." "Matt, I know what happened was terrible, but you can't let this eat you up inside" The boys mother said as she hugged her son. "Where is your father Matt?" Ms. Ishida finally asked her son after a few seconds. "He went to get some breakfast from someplace. I wasn't really listening. He said he would be back in a few minutes." Matt's mother then went to talk with Kari. "God please tell me this is just some horrible nightmare." Matt kept wishing to himself as he saw the ambulance drive off.
The rest of the week had been pure suffering for Matt. All Matt had been able to do when he got home was just lie down on his bed and stare at the ceiling. Several suicide notes had been found on Tai's body, one for Matt, Sora, Kari, and his parents. The one that was meant for Matt had a small package attached. Matt simply stored the note and the package away in the closet. That was pretty much the only moving he had done once he got back. But then he had to go to Tai's funeral a few days later. . .
The funeral had been especially rough on him. Matt sat there, unable to do anything as it was taking place. Tai's parents, then his sister Kari gave eulogies for him. After that, all of the former digidestined kids had walked to the coffin and placed small roses on it. To Matt's distress, the front half of the coffin was open so Matt had to look at Tai's dead face as he walked over to it. He couldn't bear to see his once happy and active friend now dead. "Why. . ." Matt morosely said as he placed the rose on top of the coffin. "Why!" Matt started crying as he was beginning to get angrier. "How could you do this to all of us?! You selfish bastard! Don't you know what you've done!?" Matt started breaking down as his family grabbed a hold of him while he was bawling on the ground. "How could you abandon your sister, your friends, why?" Matt couldn't take it anymore. He had to be calmed down before the funeral could resume. He once again spent the days after the funeral in bed, too tired and depressed to do anything.
So many thoughts of pain, guilt, and sadness raced through his mind at once that he was sometimes close to screaming and running away. Matt didn't know where, but he just felt like running and screaming. 'Why?' Matt kept asking himself. 'What the hell drove you to kill yourself Tai? Why didn't you tell anyone? Why?' "You ok son?" All of Matt's thoughts were interrupted when his dad came to his room. "Do you want the lie, or the truth?" Matt sarcastically told his dad. "Listen son, I think you should see a grief counselor about this. It would really help you come to terms with your friends death." "I really don't know dad." Matt said as he turned on his bed to face the wall. "I guess I can give it a shot." Matt didn't really want to, but he was too tired and depressed to argue with his dad about not going.
Matt's dad had been able to get an appointment for his son with a grief counselor one of his co-workers knew. Matt was patiently waiting outside the office as the counselor was still dealing with another patient. Matt was the only person in that waiting room. He was sitting on a small couch on the other end of the door. It was about 5:30 p.m. and Matt could see the beginnings of the evening through the small window on his left. The only thing to pass the time other then the boring magazines that were on the small coffee table in front of Matt was the smooth jazz coming from the small speakers mounted on the top-right side of the ceiling. Matt was very bored but then he was caught off guard when he heard some hard sobs coming from the other side of the door.
After a few seconds the sobbing stopped, and then a while later, the door finally opened and a boy around Matt's age came out of it, followed by a man who was obviously the grief counselor. The other boy was still wiping the tears from his eyes, then he thanked the counselor and left. The grief counselor was a pretty average-sized man wearing a green office shirt and brown office pants. "Yamato Ishida?" The man said as he saw Matt. "Um, yeah, can you just call me Matt please?" The counselor quickly agreed and then let Matt into his office. Matt looked around the small room. There were two bookshelves, one on the right and left side of the door. The chair the counselor led Matt to was in front of the bookshelf. A small table with a computer was on the other side of the room, and the counselors chair was a few feet in front of Matt's. A small window was right behind the computer, it was open and a small breeze went through the room.
"Well, please take a seat and we can begin the session." Matt sat down on the sofa chair while the counselor took his seat. "Well, let me start by introducing myself, my name is Mr. Sazaki, and your father has set up this appointment because you have experienced a loss recently. . ." Matt shyly looked at the floor. "If you still feel too hurt to talk about your friend, then we can talk about other things." "No, I really can't handle the stress anymore. I need to tell someone I guess, and since you're a grief counselor I guess you're the one I am supposed to talk to."
Matt struggled to talk about Tai killing himself, and the days that lead to it. "I really don't know what drove him to it." Matt admitted as he sat on the chair. "It was like if he did it out of the blue, you know?" The counselor nodded as he wrote down some things on a clipboard." "Did your friend Tai do any strange things in the days that lead to his suicide?" "Nothing that I can remember right now." Matt said as he was trying to remember. Thoughts of when he and Tai hung out and played video games came to Matt's head, and Matt remembered how none of that will ever happen again since Tai had killed himself. He remembered the pain Tai's sister was still going through, knowing that the brother who promised to take care of her was no longer around. A look of pain came over Matt's face as he realized those facts.
"You don't have to say everything at once," The counselor reminded him. "If you feel uncomfortable at any time you can stop for a bit. "Ok." Matt was beginning to hold back tears as he lay back on the chair for a while. "Do you want to do something else so you can take your mind off the subject for a while?" the grief counselor asked Matt as he reached inside a drawer in his table and pulled out a deck of UNO cards. "Yeah please, it's really hard to think about it." Matt began to play UNO with Mr. Sazaki for a few minutes until he began comfortable enough to talk again. "So, do you think you might be able to continue talking about your friend while we play the card game?" "I guess I can talk a bit more." Matt agreed as he was drawing a card from the deck.
The counselor was right about how the card game did help Matt keep his mind off the subject for a bit, but it still didn't stop most of the pain. Before Matt knew it, the session had ended. "I'm sorry to say that we have run out of time for this session." "huh? Really?" Matt asked as he looked at his wristwatch. "Yes, and if you want to continue to come I will be available Tuesday and Friday. I know today is a Wednesday but your father just asked me to let you have a session so you can decide whether you want to keep coming or not." "Tuesday and Friday huh? Sure." It hadn't been a bad session for Matt, but he still did feel a lot of pain and guilt. 'I hope this grief counseling thing really does help. . .'
Matt opened the door to the apartment and walked inside. There was a note on the table. "Have to work late, dinners on the counter." Matt read the note his father left. Matt sighed as he put the note down and turned on the t.v. There was some kind of stand up comedy show on, Matt didn't really pay attention to it because he was thinking about the appointment he had with the grief counselor. He hadn't told the counselor about the note and package Tai had left for Matt yet. "All of this crap is so hard to think about." Matt breathed out as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He turned off the t.v. for a while and lay down to rest on the couch. Before Matt knew it, he was asleep.
In his dream, Matt was in Tai's room, It seemed like he was waiting for something. "Whats going on?" Matt said as he looked around the room. "Here Matt," He was startled when he saw Tai walking inside the room. "What the?! But you're!" Tai looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "You ok Matt? Listen, just take this ok." Tai handed Matt a really old soccer ball. "Wait, isn't that your first soccer ball? Why are you giving it to me?" Matt asked as he reached out to get it. "I won't be needing it soon, that's why." Matt thought about how strange that sounded. 'Won't be needing it soon?' But before Matt could say anything, he heard a phone ringing, and was shaken awake.
Matt realized what he had wasn't just a dream as much as it was a reminiscence. That had actually happened about two weeks before Tai's suicide. Matt quickly got up and answered the phone. Whoever had called hung up before Matt could answer. Matt put the phone back down and went to his room then opened the closet. "There it is!" Matt said as he reached to pick up the soccer ball Tai had given him. Tons of memories from better times went through Matt's head as he held the old soccer ball. He dropped the ball as a look of total shock appeared on his face. Nervous sweat was now slowly forming on his head. He simply dropped the ball and quietly walked out of the room.
"I don't know why I dropped the ball and just walked out." Matt was telling the grief counselor on his Tuesday appointment. "Well, that is actually something normal when you get something that belongs to someone you have recently lost. It's just the anxiety, probably because of the history your friend Tai had with that soccer ball." Matt slowly nodded then spoke up. "I know I haven't told you but they found a note on Tai's body and a small package." "Really?" The grief counselor said as he continued to write on his clipboard. "What was in the package?" "I don't know, I haven't opened it yet." Matt admitted. "I feel real nervous whenever I'm near it. I just don't know what to do with it. I really never want to open it, I just don't know."
"Sometimes, a warning side of suicide is when the person who wants to commit suicide gives away valuable possessions and speaks strangely. You said Tai told you he wouldn't be needing it?" "Yeah," Matt said. "I didn't know what Tai was talking about, it was his first soccer ball, he once told me he wouldn't give it away for a million dollars, then one day he just gives it to me out of nowhere." "Matt," the grief counselor began as he placed a hand on Matt's shoulder. "If you want to know why Tai killed himself, chances are that he probably left some evidence in that note and the package. I know this might be rough but if you really do want closure, you are going to have to find out why. If that is the reason you still have sleepless nights, then you are just going to have to open that note." Matt nodded slowly as the time was over for his session.
"Hi, Sora?" Matt was calling Sora. "Yeah Matt, what's going on?" Sora asked on the other line. "Have you opened the suicide note Tai left behind for you?" Matt didn't hear anything on the other line for a few seconds, and then a sad voice spoke. "No, I haven't. My mom keeps telling me it would help me get to know why Tai did that." "My grief counselor told me that as well." Matt admitted. "I think I'm going to open the one he left for me. . . Listen, I'll talk to you later ok?" Matt then hung up the phone and looked at the clock on the wall. It was 7:30 p.m. "God what a terrible summer." Matt sighed as he walked to his room. "Everything was going great until this." Matt spoke to himself as he opened his closet door and took out the note along with the package. "I guess I should read the note first. . ." Matt opened the small envelope and took out the paper and began to examine the note. It read:
~I won't lie to you Matt; I really can't take this anymore. I know how much Kari and my family and friends will suffer because of what I am about to do. My last wish is just for you to take care of Kari for me once I'm gone. Please understand I really can't write, say, or even think why I am going to take the razor blade and end it all. The only thing I can do is leave my journal for you to read and hopefully find out why. I wish I had the strength to at least write down why, but I just can't. Please forgive me for what I am about to do. . .
Your friend, Tai. ~
Matt tried to hold back tears as he put the note down and opened the covering on the small package. It was Tai's journal. Tai had told him about it once; it was where Tai wrote down only the most significant events in his life. "Why write stuff down every day if it's so boring you probably won't ever read it again." Matt remembered Tai saying that when he told Matt about it. He couldn't help but chuckle a bit when he remembered what Tai had told him about the journal. "Well here goes nothing," Matt sighed as he opened the small book and began at the first page.
~May 18th,
~Well, um, today is the day I got this thing for my birthday. My aunt told me it's for writing down important stuff or something, so I can remember it when I get older. I really don't know what else to write for now so until later journal.~
Matt turned the page and continued reading.
~June 15th,
~I'm gonna go to summer camp for the next three weeks. I bet I will make a lot of friends there. Kari won't be able to go because she is sick, so that's kind of a bummer. I guess that's all I have to write for now.~
'That was only a year ago.' Matt thought to himself as he kept on reading.
~June 16th,
~Wow! I just got back from the digital world! I know how crazy I sound by writing this, but you won't believe how many adventures me and the other digidestined kids had. I have had so many things happen during the entire time I was there then most people will ever have happen in their lives.
The next few pages of the journal were about the adventures they had in the digital world. There was a lot about everyone in there, including Matt. Tai also wrote later about them coming back from having to return to the digital world, and the Dark Masters. Tai didn't write anything once again until:
~August 4th,
~I shared a kiss with Matt today . . . ~
Matt blushed a bit as he remembered the day that happened. Tai and Matt had been just been hanging out by the back of a small strip mall, then while Matt was sitting on a small curb when Tai just started speaking. "Matt," Tai began as he was kicking a small rock around. "Yeah Tai, what?" Matt asked as he stopped staring at the floor. "Have you ever questioned whether. . . um. . ." Tai began to blush leaving Matt to wonder what was going on. "Matt, have you ever questioned you know, your sexuality?" "What? Well, actually no." Matt said as he saw a few cars pass by the road. "Well," Tai continued as he looked at the road as well. "It's just that I have been thinking a lot about it lately. Sometimes I think I might be gay, but I really don't know." "Well you know we would still be friends whether you were gay or not Tai." Matt admitted as he talked to him. "But why are you bringing this up?" "Well. . ." Tai blushed a bit more. "I was hoping you could help me find out." "What are you talking about?" Matt asked as he got a bit suspicious. "Matt, could you kiss me? I just want to know whether I enjoy it or not, hey, you might just find something out about yourself as well. It would be a great experiment."
Matt thought about all this for a second. "Ok, I guess." He gave up as Tai sat down next to him by the curb. "Well then, how do we start this?" Matt asked as he faced Tai. "I don't know either," Tai admitted as he looked into Matt's eyes. "I guess we just lean in and. . ." Matt and Tai both leaned in close, closed their eyes, and then just kissed. It was a simple kiss on the lips. It only lasted about three seconds then they both pulled away. "Well," Matt asked as he looked at the ground. "Did you feel anything?" "It felt good, but just the kiss, I really didn't feel anything special though." Tai admitted. "Well, at least you know now." Matt said. "Yeah, I guess I'm ok then." Tai said as he turned to face Matt. "So Matt, did you feel anything?" "Not really," Matt said. So that was the end of that. Tai still thought he might at least be bisexual, but Matt didn't think any more of it after that. After all, it was just an experiment, nothing more to it than that.
Matt stopped reminiscing and read the rest of the journal passage.
~I did feel something special, but it was probably just the feeling of the kiss. I don't know, I guess I need to keep doing some more experimentation to find out. Either way I'm glad that it was Matt I tried it out with. I've actually spent some time thinking whether I felt something more than friendship for him, but nothing. That's good because I really need a while to figure things out anyways. He's a cool person; it's great that he took it all ok. He really is a good friend. ~
Matt turned the page and continued reading.
~August 23rd
~School is almost upon me. I can't believe all the things that have happened this summer. If you would add the time I spent in the digiworld with the time I spent this summer as well, I've actually had about a year and a half off school. Hah, I'm actually looking forward to school. I talked with Izzy about five minutes ago, he's anxious to get back to his computer class so he can amaze the teacher with something called Wi-fi net router. I have no idea what Izzy was talking about, he says it's just a wireless internet connection.~
Matt kept going through a few pages until he came upon an interesting entry. Matt realized that the entry was now for this year. 'Wow, he spent about three months without writing anything, this must be something really important then.'
~March 18th,
~I haven't been feeling well lately. I've been getting some small pains in my back. I guess it's because I've been running and playing too much. I accidentally tripped while playing with Kari at the park, and the weird part is that I don't remember anything tripping me. Oh well, I guess I just need to take it easy for a while.~
Matt checked the next page; the date wasn't as separated as the other ones were.
~April 2nd,
~The pain has been getting worse, It's getting kind of hard to sleep sometimes. Mom started noticing and already set up an appointment for me to see the doctor. She thinks I strained something and just wants to make sure I'm ok. I kept telling her I'm alright; even Kari kept nagging me to just agree to go. Hah, what other choice do I have?~
"Tai never told me about that." Matt said as he turned the page.
~April 6th,
~I went to the doctor today. They didn't find anything wrong with me. No strain or anything, they think I should rest for a bit though. My mom is encouraging me to use the computer I got for Christmas. I can use a computer and all, but I seriously don't want to do anything that will make me end up as wierded out as Izzy. Sometimes the way he looks like when he comes to school is scary. He has bags under his eyes sometimes, says he is just "exploring the boundaries of cyberspace", but I think he's doing something else. I bet he's running a porno site or something. He knows how to take pics from sites, I bet you he's probably some kind of underground porn lord. ~
Matt couldn't help but laugh upon reading that. "I swear to god Tai, sometimes you just don't get things." Matt continued reading.
~April 12th,
~The small pains in my back are getting worse. It's starting to go down to my legs. My mom is getting really worried now and we went to the doctor again. They aren't sure what's going on so they are going to get my blood tested. The doctor also recommended that I take a few days off of school and not play sports until the doctors get the test results and make sure I'm ok. ~
Matt started realizing how close the dates were getting on the journal entries.
~April 20th,
~The test results came back today. The doctors aren't really sure about the results. The said they want to take another blood test just to make sure. Even I'm starting to get worried about this. I woke up last night and just had the strong urge to throw up. I'm starting to feel sicker, I think I got the stomach flu. I really hope I get better soon.~
'But Tai looked so healthy then, what was going on?' Matt thought to himself as he got up to get something to drink. He walked into the living room and checked the clock. "Wow, Ten o'clock already?" Matt said as he looked at the clock. "I can't stop reading the journal yet, I know I'm close to finding out. Matt walked back to his room and began reading again.
~May 2nd,
~My grades aren't doing that good. I got yelled at because I brought home three F's. I'm also starting to feel kind of depressed lately. I don't know what it is but I just feel weak. I'm also starting to think more about other things. I'm also kind of worried about the blood test results.~
Matt turned the page and began getting more interested in the entries.
~June 5th,
~I'm getting scared now, the doctor told me I've got some kind of disorder in my back, they told me it's something to do with the nerves in my back. I'm really worried about it, the doctor walked into the hallway with my mom so they could talk without me hearing. She started crying, she kept at it for a while until she came back to the room. I asked her what was wrong but she just told me everything will be ok. I know many people think I'm dense, but I know it's something serious, I know it's something that will affect me for the rest of my life. I'm really scared about this.~
"Why didn't you us anything Tai?" Matt started speaking to the journal. "Any one of us would've helped you. Joe, Izzy, Sora, Mimi, any of us would've been there for you." Small tears were trickling from his eyes as he kept reading.
~June 8th,
~I have been hassling my mom all day about what the doctor told her. I started getting desperate to hear it. She finally told me. She said the disorder would end up paralyzing me from the waist down. She also said the doctor told her I might not be able to walk by the end of the school year. They don't even know much about it, the doctors just told her that and they said there was little they could do. I've been crying all day after hearing that. I'm starting to get even more depressed then before. I'm really confused and scared. For some reason I just started picturing Kari crying about something, I don't know. I really don't know what to do. . .~
Matt couldn't read any more of the journal as he was starting to lose control. He closed the journal and went to the living room for a while. "I need to rest before I can read any more of this. . ." Matt whispered as he turned on the t.v. and went to heat up his dinner and eat. The phone rang and Matt walked over to pick It up. "Hello." Matt said as he picked up the phone. "Hi son," Matt's father began. "Listen, there's been some incident downtown. I don't really know yet, I think it might be some kind of shootout. The news crew needs me to work on the report. It looks like an all-nighter." Matt groaned as he heard his dad say that. "That's why I called son, I think I should probably skip this assignment so that way you won't be all alone, since it hasn't been that long since your friend died." "No, I'll be alright dad." Matt replied. "Just do the assignment thing, I'll be ok." "Are you sure?" Matt's dad asked. "Yeah, I'm sure." Matt then said bye and hung up the phone.
He walked back to get his food and quickly ate as he sat on the couch and saw some t.v. After finishing, he put the plate in the sink and went back to his room to read the last few pages of Tai's journal. Taking a deep breath, Matt opened the small book up once again and continued reading.
~June 13th,
~I've been feeling so depressed lately, I don't know why, I guess it's because of what is gonna happen to me. I'm really scared, but I don't want anyone else to know. I would hate it if people, especially my friends felt sorry for me because of what will happen. I don't know what I should do . . .~
Matt looked again at the date. "June 13th? That was only a few weeks ago. . ." He whispered as he turned the page.
~June 15th,~
"That was the day Tai gave me his soccer ball. . ." Matt whispered as he continued to read the passage.
~I gave Matt my soccer ball. I don't think I can take this anymore. I'm starting to think about suicide. I really don't know what else to do. I feel so scared and lonely. Why can't I tell any of my friends? Why? I'm just so scared to think about how they would pity me and feel sad for me. I really do think suicide might just be my only way out. If I did, I wouldn't be paralyzed and I wouldn't have to deal with the depression. I think I will have to do it.~
"No!" Matt screamed at the journal. "That wasn't you only choice. . . You could've told anyone! None of us would've made you feel bad. Any of us would've been there to help you. . ." Matt started to cry as he put the journal down. "No, I have to finish reading this." Matt turned the page and read the final passage in Tai's journal.
~June 22nd,
~I don't think I have any other choice, this will be my last journal entry. I can't take the depression anymore. I can't take the feeling of helplessness, I hate feeling so scared. I already decided how I am going to do it. I will take a razor blade and slash my wrists when I go to bed. I will do it when I get real sleepy so then I won't have to think about much. I'm just so scared, I really don't know what else to do. I know what I am going to do will hurt my family and friends so much, I know it. I will leave a note for Matt, Sora, and my family. If Matt can overcome his fear and read the note, then I'm sure he's probably reading this asking himself why. Even I don't really know. I guess it's just the fear and depression of the disorder I have in my back. I just never want to picture life in some wheelchair, having to be pushed around and not even being able to get past half a foot of stairs. I only wish I was able to at least tell Kari about what I am feeling, but I guess in the end I wasn't able to stomach this whole situation. I only hope everyone can forgive me for this. . .~
Matt finally closed the journal and broke down in tears. 'So that's why he did it.' Matt thought to himself as the sadness overcame him. 'He was too scared to tell anyone because he thought we would all treat him different. He didn't want us to think of him as some weak person, but none of us would ever think of him that way.' Matt covered his face with hands and lay on the floor as he continued to bawl. He finally knew why, but now he would have to learn to move on. . .
"He was a good friend." Sora said as she placed a small rose on Tai's grave. Matt stood by her, and T.K. stood by Kari, hugging her as a few tears came out of her eyes. Joe had come back a few weeks earlier, but wasn't able to go the funeral. It didn't hit Joe as hard, but Tai was still his friend as well. Izzy walked over to the grave, and just looked at It for a while. "Matt was right Tai, none of us would've felt any different about you." Matt had told everyone about reading the journal, and the note. "I just hope he is finally at peace." Kari sobbed out. "Don't worry Kari," T.K. said as he hugged her again. "I'm sure he's ok." Matt was glad his eight year old brother understood. Mimi was silently crying next to the grave. "At least now we know why." Matt said as he stared at the sunset. "At least now we can move on. . ."
The End
@@@@@@@@@@
A/n: Well, it took me like four days to write it, but I finally finished. I hope you enjoyed reading this fic, cause as usual, I enjoyed writing it. As usual, please review the fic cause the feedback is really encouraging. Any questions, comments, etc. . . can be sent to me e-mail quake3rox@aol.com Like I said before, I myself have never lost anyone to suicide, but I still felt like writing it. I don't really know why, I just got the idea and wrote it on the computer. I am usually a yamachi fanfic writer, and I know I made one scene that kinda leaned on that, but for this fic I just wanted to make it a friendship one. I am going to begin work on another fic soon, so I am pretty much always either writing on the comp or getting owned at counter-strike. I hope all of you enjoyed the fic :)
A/N: I have had this fic idea for such a long time. I am so dedicated to this one fic that I have done lots of research on the topic I will be writing about. I don't know if it's the results of the research, or just the plot of the fic, but I have spent so much time with this idea that im actually getting depressed over it. I am finally writing this thing so I can get it done with and move on to other stuff. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate the fic, but I guess im just so dedicated to my stories that the feelings rub off sometimes. O well, once this fic is done I will be able to get on with another fic.
Now, I won't lie, I myself have never lost any friends to suicide. But there has been so much ramble lately about people killing themselves and how much pain it causes their families. I guess this fic is just to tell about what kind of suffering people go through and about how they find closure. I hope this fic will help those who really have lost loved ones in any way.
WARNING: THIS FIC HAS MAJOR ANGST AND SUICIDE!
@@@@@@@@@
The truth still hadn't sunk in when Matt found out Tai had committed suicide the night before. He couldn't believe that just yesterday he was talking with the other boy about regular stuff like school, games, and sports. Matt was shocked when his dad woke him up, telling him Kari was on the phone crying like crazy and saying she needed to talk with him. Matt was expecting to have fun this Saturday, like any other kid would, then hearing his dad telling him Tai's sister had called and told him what happened. "What?!" Matt screamed into the phone in horror when he heard what Kari said.
"I. . . don't know why he, please no! Please no! god why did this ha. . ." Was all Kari was able to blurt out as she cried insanely on the other line. "Listen, Kari!" Matt screamed into the phone. "I am on my way! Please calm down. Where are your parents?" Matt tried to communicate over Kari's bawling. "Mo. . . om and Da. . .a. . .d are ca. . .ling the pol. . .ice ri. . . ght now." Kari managed to choke between sobs. "What's going on son?" Matt's dad asked as he heard his son screaming into the phone.
"Dad, Kari just told me Tai killed himself last night." Matt said with a scared tone. "What? But why? He was a very happy kid." "I don't know, I just need you to take me to his house right now please." Matt quickly responded as he got on the phone again to calm Kari down. "Ok, we need to hurry then." Matt's dad said as he rushed into the living room to get his car keys. Matt finished the phone call by telling Kari a few more comforting words then hanging up and rushing to get to his dad's car.
They got there about five minutes later. Matt's dad drove like a madman, rushing past two red lights. Luckily it was still very early in the morning and on a Saturday so only about three people were around when they were going to Tai's apartment. Matt quickly ran out of the car, his dad right behind him. Matt raced to get to the apartment complex, and once he reached the entrance, he saw Sora and Izzy were already there. Kari was crying on Sora's shoulder as some medics and police officers were going inside the building. There was one ambulance, and about three police cars on the street.
Matt quickly ran over to Kari, Sora, and Izzy. "I'm really sorry this happened Kari. . ." Matt said as he walked over to the emotionally destroyed little girl and hugged her. "How did it happen?" Matt asked Sora. "Kari told me her mom found Tai still in bed with his wrists slashed. She woke up early to check on Tai and Kari and screamed when she found him." "Oh my god" Matt barely mouthed out. "How could Tai do this to himself?" "This isn't your fault Matt." Izzy quickly reminded the blonde. "This is no ones fault. . ." Kari and Sora were still crying too much to speak. "Kari," Matt's dad tried to get Kari's attention. "Are your parents still up in the building?" Kari nodded weakly as tears continued to pour down her eyes. "Matt, wait here while I go to talk with Tai's parents." Matt nodded as his dad quickly rushed inside the complex.
Izzy had a blank expression on his face as he looked at Kari and Sora crying. "Why did Tai do this?" Kari tried to speak. "Sshhh," Sora tried to comfort Kari. "I don't know, just please, try not to think about it." All Matt could do was just help comfort Kari. Izzy sat down put a hand on Kari's shoulder as a few tears escaped his eyes as well. A few minutes passed by with Kari, Sora, Matt, and Izzy crying and trying to comfort Kari, until a medic came outside and called Matt over. "Please take the child away from here, we are about to bring the body through."
Matt nodded and quickly ran over to Sora to tell her. "Sora, we gotta get Kari away, they are going to bring Tai's body through." Kari was still crying on Sora's shoulder so she didn't hear what Matt had told Sora. Matt quickly rushed Sora up so she and Kari can move so they wouldn't have to see the medics take Tai's body away. Izzy quietly followed, but Kari started to get worried. "Sora, what's going on? Where are we going? Where are they taking Tai?!" "Please Kari" Sora pleaded with the little girl. "Let's just move out of the way ok."
"No!" Kari yelled as she started to try to run from Sora. "They can't take Tai away, no!" Kari tried to break the strong hold all three kids had to keep her from running. "No! I want to see my brother! Let go!" Kari was actually beginning to break loose of the hold Matt, Sora, and Izzy had on her. "Let go! Let me go!" Kari started crying out as the medics began to bring out the body from the apartment building in a covered stretcher.
"No! Tai no!" Kari screamed as she saw her dead brother being taken to the ambulance. "Kari, don't look!" Izzy yelled out over her cries. Kari was beginning to break down in tears again when she realized there was nothing she could do about her brother. Kari's parents rushed out after the medics. Kari's mother was also crying as well as she tried to chase the ambulance, but her husband had a big hold on her to keep her from going. "There's nothing we can do!" Kari's father yelled as he continued to try and calm down his wife. "Why!? Why god why!?" Kari's mother screamed in agony as she fell to her knees. "Mommy!" Kari yelled as she ran over to her mother and father.
"Please tell me this isn't real mommy! Please!" the little girl bawled onto her mother and fathers shoulders as they embraced her. "Why did Tai do this?" Sora tried to brush away her tears. Matt couldn't do anything else but just observe the scene. Sora walked over to the sidewalk curb and sat down. Matt and Izzy followed her to the curb. "Why Matt, why?" Sora weakly said as more tears were welding up in her eyes. "I really wish I knew why, Sora." Matt said. "I really wish I knew. . ."
Mimi had arrived about an hour later, but Matt didn't have the heart to call T.K. and tell his little brother what took place. "But Matt," Sora told the boy as she saw him hang up the public phone he was calling from. "You have to tell him, he will find out sooner or later." "Yeah but Sora, I don't want to break it to him like this. . ." "Matt, It would be better if he heard it from you then from anyone else." Matt finally gave up and called his mother. "Hi, mom. . ." he said with a defeated tone. "Is T.K. there? I have something important to tell him. . ."
"Kari!" T.K. yelled as he ran out of his moms SUV to comfort Kari just a half hour after Matt had called him and told him what Tai had done. "I'm so sorry this happened. . ." the little 8-year old boy said as he hugged the crying girl. "It's. . . not your. . . fault. W. . . hy are you. . . apologizing." Kari barely managed to say as another barrage of tears flowed from her eyes. T.K.'s mother quickly ran over to Kari's parents. "I'm very sorry about your loss." T.K.s mother said as she tried to talk to Kari's parents. She looked around then saw her other son, Matt, sitting on the street curb with Sora and Izzy. "Are you ok son?" Matt's mom said as she got his attention. "Yeah, I'm alright I guess. I just can't figure out why." "Matt, I know what happened was terrible, but you can't let this eat you up inside" The boys mother said as she hugged her son. "Where is your father Matt?" Ms. Ishida finally asked her son after a few seconds. "He went to get some breakfast from someplace. I wasn't really listening. He said he would be back in a few minutes." Matt's mother then went to talk with Kari. "God please tell me this is just some horrible nightmare." Matt kept wishing to himself as he saw the ambulance drive off.
The rest of the week had been pure suffering for Matt. All Matt had been able to do when he got home was just lie down on his bed and stare at the ceiling. Several suicide notes had been found on Tai's body, one for Matt, Sora, Kari, and his parents. The one that was meant for Matt had a small package attached. Matt simply stored the note and the package away in the closet. That was pretty much the only moving he had done once he got back. But then he had to go to Tai's funeral a few days later. . .
The funeral had been especially rough on him. Matt sat there, unable to do anything as it was taking place. Tai's parents, then his sister Kari gave eulogies for him. After that, all of the former digidestined kids had walked to the coffin and placed small roses on it. To Matt's distress, the front half of the coffin was open so Matt had to look at Tai's dead face as he walked over to it. He couldn't bear to see his once happy and active friend now dead. "Why. . ." Matt morosely said as he placed the rose on top of the coffin. "Why!" Matt started crying as he was beginning to get angrier. "How could you do this to all of us?! You selfish bastard! Don't you know what you've done!?" Matt started breaking down as his family grabbed a hold of him while he was bawling on the ground. "How could you abandon your sister, your friends, why?" Matt couldn't take it anymore. He had to be calmed down before the funeral could resume. He once again spent the days after the funeral in bed, too tired and depressed to do anything.
So many thoughts of pain, guilt, and sadness raced through his mind at once that he was sometimes close to screaming and running away. Matt didn't know where, but he just felt like running and screaming. 'Why?' Matt kept asking himself. 'What the hell drove you to kill yourself Tai? Why didn't you tell anyone? Why?' "You ok son?" All of Matt's thoughts were interrupted when his dad came to his room. "Do you want the lie, or the truth?" Matt sarcastically told his dad. "Listen son, I think you should see a grief counselor about this. It would really help you come to terms with your friends death." "I really don't know dad." Matt said as he turned on his bed to face the wall. "I guess I can give it a shot." Matt didn't really want to, but he was too tired and depressed to argue with his dad about not going.
Matt's dad had been able to get an appointment for his son with a grief counselor one of his co-workers knew. Matt was patiently waiting outside the office as the counselor was still dealing with another patient. Matt was the only person in that waiting room. He was sitting on a small couch on the other end of the door. It was about 5:30 p.m. and Matt could see the beginnings of the evening through the small window on his left. The only thing to pass the time other then the boring magazines that were on the small coffee table in front of Matt was the smooth jazz coming from the small speakers mounted on the top-right side of the ceiling. Matt was very bored but then he was caught off guard when he heard some hard sobs coming from the other side of the door.
After a few seconds the sobbing stopped, and then a while later, the door finally opened and a boy around Matt's age came out of it, followed by a man who was obviously the grief counselor. The other boy was still wiping the tears from his eyes, then he thanked the counselor and left. The grief counselor was a pretty average-sized man wearing a green office shirt and brown office pants. "Yamato Ishida?" The man said as he saw Matt. "Um, yeah, can you just call me Matt please?" The counselor quickly agreed and then let Matt into his office. Matt looked around the small room. There were two bookshelves, one on the right and left side of the door. The chair the counselor led Matt to was in front of the bookshelf. A small table with a computer was on the other side of the room, and the counselors chair was a few feet in front of Matt's. A small window was right behind the computer, it was open and a small breeze went through the room.
"Well, please take a seat and we can begin the session." Matt sat down on the sofa chair while the counselor took his seat. "Well, let me start by introducing myself, my name is Mr. Sazaki, and your father has set up this appointment because you have experienced a loss recently. . ." Matt shyly looked at the floor. "If you still feel too hurt to talk about your friend, then we can talk about other things." "No, I really can't handle the stress anymore. I need to tell someone I guess, and since you're a grief counselor I guess you're the one I am supposed to talk to."
Matt struggled to talk about Tai killing himself, and the days that lead to it. "I really don't know what drove him to it." Matt admitted as he sat on the chair. "It was like if he did it out of the blue, you know?" The counselor nodded as he wrote down some things on a clipboard." "Did your friend Tai do any strange things in the days that lead to his suicide?" "Nothing that I can remember right now." Matt said as he was trying to remember. Thoughts of when he and Tai hung out and played video games came to Matt's head, and Matt remembered how none of that will ever happen again since Tai had killed himself. He remembered the pain Tai's sister was still going through, knowing that the brother who promised to take care of her was no longer around. A look of pain came over Matt's face as he realized those facts.
"You don't have to say everything at once," The counselor reminded him. "If you feel uncomfortable at any time you can stop for a bit. "Ok." Matt was beginning to hold back tears as he lay back on the chair for a while. "Do you want to do something else so you can take your mind off the subject for a while?" the grief counselor asked Matt as he reached inside a drawer in his table and pulled out a deck of UNO cards. "Yeah please, it's really hard to think about it." Matt began to play UNO with Mr. Sazaki for a few minutes until he began comfortable enough to talk again. "So, do you think you might be able to continue talking about your friend while we play the card game?" "I guess I can talk a bit more." Matt agreed as he was drawing a card from the deck.
The counselor was right about how the card game did help Matt keep his mind off the subject for a bit, but it still didn't stop most of the pain. Before Matt knew it, the session had ended. "I'm sorry to say that we have run out of time for this session." "huh? Really?" Matt asked as he looked at his wristwatch. "Yes, and if you want to continue to come I will be available Tuesday and Friday. I know today is a Wednesday but your father just asked me to let you have a session so you can decide whether you want to keep coming or not." "Tuesday and Friday huh? Sure." It hadn't been a bad session for Matt, but he still did feel a lot of pain and guilt. 'I hope this grief counseling thing really does help. . .'
Matt opened the door to the apartment and walked inside. There was a note on the table. "Have to work late, dinners on the counter." Matt read the note his father left. Matt sighed as he put the note down and turned on the t.v. There was some kind of stand up comedy show on, Matt didn't really pay attention to it because he was thinking about the appointment he had with the grief counselor. He hadn't told the counselor about the note and package Tai had left for Matt yet. "All of this crap is so hard to think about." Matt breathed out as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He turned off the t.v. for a while and lay down to rest on the couch. Before Matt knew it, he was asleep.
In his dream, Matt was in Tai's room, It seemed like he was waiting for something. "Whats going on?" Matt said as he looked around the room. "Here Matt," He was startled when he saw Tai walking inside the room. "What the?! But you're!" Tai looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "You ok Matt? Listen, just take this ok." Tai handed Matt a really old soccer ball. "Wait, isn't that your first soccer ball? Why are you giving it to me?" Matt asked as he reached out to get it. "I won't be needing it soon, that's why." Matt thought about how strange that sounded. 'Won't be needing it soon?' But before Matt could say anything, he heard a phone ringing, and was shaken awake.
Matt realized what he had wasn't just a dream as much as it was a reminiscence. That had actually happened about two weeks before Tai's suicide. Matt quickly got up and answered the phone. Whoever had called hung up before Matt could answer. Matt put the phone back down and went to his room then opened the closet. "There it is!" Matt said as he reached to pick up the soccer ball Tai had given him. Tons of memories from better times went through Matt's head as he held the old soccer ball. He dropped the ball as a look of total shock appeared on his face. Nervous sweat was now slowly forming on his head. He simply dropped the ball and quietly walked out of the room.
"I don't know why I dropped the ball and just walked out." Matt was telling the grief counselor on his Tuesday appointment. "Well, that is actually something normal when you get something that belongs to someone you have recently lost. It's just the anxiety, probably because of the history your friend Tai had with that soccer ball." Matt slowly nodded then spoke up. "I know I haven't told you but they found a note on Tai's body and a small package." "Really?" The grief counselor said as he continued to write on his clipboard. "What was in the package?" "I don't know, I haven't opened it yet." Matt admitted. "I feel real nervous whenever I'm near it. I just don't know what to do with it. I really never want to open it, I just don't know."
"Sometimes, a warning side of suicide is when the person who wants to commit suicide gives away valuable possessions and speaks strangely. You said Tai told you he wouldn't be needing it?" "Yeah," Matt said. "I didn't know what Tai was talking about, it was his first soccer ball, he once told me he wouldn't give it away for a million dollars, then one day he just gives it to me out of nowhere." "Matt," the grief counselor began as he placed a hand on Matt's shoulder. "If you want to know why Tai killed himself, chances are that he probably left some evidence in that note and the package. I know this might be rough but if you really do want closure, you are going to have to find out why. If that is the reason you still have sleepless nights, then you are just going to have to open that note." Matt nodded slowly as the time was over for his session.
"Hi, Sora?" Matt was calling Sora. "Yeah Matt, what's going on?" Sora asked on the other line. "Have you opened the suicide note Tai left behind for you?" Matt didn't hear anything on the other line for a few seconds, and then a sad voice spoke. "No, I haven't. My mom keeps telling me it would help me get to know why Tai did that." "My grief counselor told me that as well." Matt admitted. "I think I'm going to open the one he left for me. . . Listen, I'll talk to you later ok?" Matt then hung up the phone and looked at the clock on the wall. It was 7:30 p.m. "God what a terrible summer." Matt sighed as he walked to his room. "Everything was going great until this." Matt spoke to himself as he opened his closet door and took out the note along with the package. "I guess I should read the note first. . ." Matt opened the small envelope and took out the paper and began to examine the note. It read:
~I won't lie to you Matt; I really can't take this anymore. I know how much Kari and my family and friends will suffer because of what I am about to do. My last wish is just for you to take care of Kari for me once I'm gone. Please understand I really can't write, say, or even think why I am going to take the razor blade and end it all. The only thing I can do is leave my journal for you to read and hopefully find out why. I wish I had the strength to at least write down why, but I just can't. Please forgive me for what I am about to do. . .
Your friend, Tai. ~
Matt tried to hold back tears as he put the note down and opened the covering on the small package. It was Tai's journal. Tai had told him about it once; it was where Tai wrote down only the most significant events in his life. "Why write stuff down every day if it's so boring you probably won't ever read it again." Matt remembered Tai saying that when he told Matt about it. He couldn't help but chuckle a bit when he remembered what Tai had told him about the journal. "Well here goes nothing," Matt sighed as he opened the small book and began at the first page.
~May 18th,
~Well, um, today is the day I got this thing for my birthday. My aunt told me it's for writing down important stuff or something, so I can remember it when I get older. I really don't know what else to write for now so until later journal.~
Matt turned the page and continued reading.
~June 15th,
~I'm gonna go to summer camp for the next three weeks. I bet I will make a lot of friends there. Kari won't be able to go because she is sick, so that's kind of a bummer. I guess that's all I have to write for now.~
'That was only a year ago.' Matt thought to himself as he kept on reading.
~June 16th,
~Wow! I just got back from the digital world! I know how crazy I sound by writing this, but you won't believe how many adventures me and the other digidestined kids had. I have had so many things happen during the entire time I was there then most people will ever have happen in their lives.
The next few pages of the journal were about the adventures they had in the digital world. There was a lot about everyone in there, including Matt. Tai also wrote later about them coming back from having to return to the digital world, and the Dark Masters. Tai didn't write anything once again until:
~August 4th,
~I shared a kiss with Matt today . . . ~
Matt blushed a bit as he remembered the day that happened. Tai and Matt had been just been hanging out by the back of a small strip mall, then while Matt was sitting on a small curb when Tai just started speaking. "Matt," Tai began as he was kicking a small rock around. "Yeah Tai, what?" Matt asked as he stopped staring at the floor. "Have you ever questioned whether. . . um. . ." Tai began to blush leaving Matt to wonder what was going on. "Matt, have you ever questioned you know, your sexuality?" "What? Well, actually no." Matt said as he saw a few cars pass by the road. "Well," Tai continued as he looked at the road as well. "It's just that I have been thinking a lot about it lately. Sometimes I think I might be gay, but I really don't know." "Well you know we would still be friends whether you were gay or not Tai." Matt admitted as he talked to him. "But why are you bringing this up?" "Well. . ." Tai blushed a bit more. "I was hoping you could help me find out." "What are you talking about?" Matt asked as he got a bit suspicious. "Matt, could you kiss me? I just want to know whether I enjoy it or not, hey, you might just find something out about yourself as well. It would be a great experiment."
Matt thought about all this for a second. "Ok, I guess." He gave up as Tai sat down next to him by the curb. "Well then, how do we start this?" Matt asked as he faced Tai. "I don't know either," Tai admitted as he looked into Matt's eyes. "I guess we just lean in and. . ." Matt and Tai both leaned in close, closed their eyes, and then just kissed. It was a simple kiss on the lips. It only lasted about three seconds then they both pulled away. "Well," Matt asked as he looked at the ground. "Did you feel anything?" "It felt good, but just the kiss, I really didn't feel anything special though." Tai admitted. "Well, at least you know now." Matt said. "Yeah, I guess I'm ok then." Tai said as he turned to face Matt. "So Matt, did you feel anything?" "Not really," Matt said. So that was the end of that. Tai still thought he might at least be bisexual, but Matt didn't think any more of it after that. After all, it was just an experiment, nothing more to it than that.
Matt stopped reminiscing and read the rest of the journal passage.
~I did feel something special, but it was probably just the feeling of the kiss. I don't know, I guess I need to keep doing some more experimentation to find out. Either way I'm glad that it was Matt I tried it out with. I've actually spent some time thinking whether I felt something more than friendship for him, but nothing. That's good because I really need a while to figure things out anyways. He's a cool person; it's great that he took it all ok. He really is a good friend. ~
Matt turned the page and continued reading.
~August 23rd
~School is almost upon me. I can't believe all the things that have happened this summer. If you would add the time I spent in the digiworld with the time I spent this summer as well, I've actually had about a year and a half off school. Hah, I'm actually looking forward to school. I talked with Izzy about five minutes ago, he's anxious to get back to his computer class so he can amaze the teacher with something called Wi-fi net router. I have no idea what Izzy was talking about, he says it's just a wireless internet connection.~
Matt kept going through a few pages until he came upon an interesting entry. Matt realized that the entry was now for this year. 'Wow, he spent about three months without writing anything, this must be something really important then.'
~March 18th,
~I haven't been feeling well lately. I've been getting some small pains in my back. I guess it's because I've been running and playing too much. I accidentally tripped while playing with Kari at the park, and the weird part is that I don't remember anything tripping me. Oh well, I guess I just need to take it easy for a while.~
Matt checked the next page; the date wasn't as separated as the other ones were.
~April 2nd,
~The pain has been getting worse, It's getting kind of hard to sleep sometimes. Mom started noticing and already set up an appointment for me to see the doctor. She thinks I strained something and just wants to make sure I'm ok. I kept telling her I'm alright; even Kari kept nagging me to just agree to go. Hah, what other choice do I have?~
"Tai never told me about that." Matt said as he turned the page.
~April 6th,
~I went to the doctor today. They didn't find anything wrong with me. No strain or anything, they think I should rest for a bit though. My mom is encouraging me to use the computer I got for Christmas. I can use a computer and all, but I seriously don't want to do anything that will make me end up as wierded out as Izzy. Sometimes the way he looks like when he comes to school is scary. He has bags under his eyes sometimes, says he is just "exploring the boundaries of cyberspace", but I think he's doing something else. I bet he's running a porno site or something. He knows how to take pics from sites, I bet you he's probably some kind of underground porn lord. ~
Matt couldn't help but laugh upon reading that. "I swear to god Tai, sometimes you just don't get things." Matt continued reading.
~April 12th,
~The small pains in my back are getting worse. It's starting to go down to my legs. My mom is getting really worried now and we went to the doctor again. They aren't sure what's going on so they are going to get my blood tested. The doctor also recommended that I take a few days off of school and not play sports until the doctors get the test results and make sure I'm ok. ~
Matt started realizing how close the dates were getting on the journal entries.
~April 20th,
~The test results came back today. The doctors aren't really sure about the results. The said they want to take another blood test just to make sure. Even I'm starting to get worried about this. I woke up last night and just had the strong urge to throw up. I'm starting to feel sicker, I think I got the stomach flu. I really hope I get better soon.~
'But Tai looked so healthy then, what was going on?' Matt thought to himself as he got up to get something to drink. He walked into the living room and checked the clock. "Wow, Ten o'clock already?" Matt said as he looked at the clock. "I can't stop reading the journal yet, I know I'm close to finding out. Matt walked back to his room and began reading again.
~May 2nd,
~My grades aren't doing that good. I got yelled at because I brought home three F's. I'm also starting to feel kind of depressed lately. I don't know what it is but I just feel weak. I'm also starting to think more about other things. I'm also kind of worried about the blood test results.~
Matt turned the page and began getting more interested in the entries.
~June 5th,
~I'm getting scared now, the doctor told me I've got some kind of disorder in my back, they told me it's something to do with the nerves in my back. I'm really worried about it, the doctor walked into the hallway with my mom so they could talk without me hearing. She started crying, she kept at it for a while until she came back to the room. I asked her what was wrong but she just told me everything will be ok. I know many people think I'm dense, but I know it's something serious, I know it's something that will affect me for the rest of my life. I'm really scared about this.~
"Why didn't you us anything Tai?" Matt started speaking to the journal. "Any one of us would've helped you. Joe, Izzy, Sora, Mimi, any of us would've been there for you." Small tears were trickling from his eyes as he kept reading.
~June 8th,
~I have been hassling my mom all day about what the doctor told her. I started getting desperate to hear it. She finally told me. She said the disorder would end up paralyzing me from the waist down. She also said the doctor told her I might not be able to walk by the end of the school year. They don't even know much about it, the doctors just told her that and they said there was little they could do. I've been crying all day after hearing that. I'm starting to get even more depressed then before. I'm really confused and scared. For some reason I just started picturing Kari crying about something, I don't know. I really don't know what to do. . .~
Matt couldn't read any more of the journal as he was starting to lose control. He closed the journal and went to the living room for a while. "I need to rest before I can read any more of this. . ." Matt whispered as he turned on the t.v. and went to heat up his dinner and eat. The phone rang and Matt walked over to pick It up. "Hello." Matt said as he picked up the phone. "Hi son," Matt's father began. "Listen, there's been some incident downtown. I don't really know yet, I think it might be some kind of shootout. The news crew needs me to work on the report. It looks like an all-nighter." Matt groaned as he heard his dad say that. "That's why I called son, I think I should probably skip this assignment so that way you won't be all alone, since it hasn't been that long since your friend died." "No, I'll be alright dad." Matt replied. "Just do the assignment thing, I'll be ok." "Are you sure?" Matt's dad asked. "Yeah, I'm sure." Matt then said bye and hung up the phone.
He walked back to get his food and quickly ate as he sat on the couch and saw some t.v. After finishing, he put the plate in the sink and went back to his room to read the last few pages of Tai's journal. Taking a deep breath, Matt opened the small book up once again and continued reading.
~June 13th,
~I've been feeling so depressed lately, I don't know why, I guess it's because of what is gonna happen to me. I'm really scared, but I don't want anyone else to know. I would hate it if people, especially my friends felt sorry for me because of what will happen. I don't know what I should do . . .~
Matt looked again at the date. "June 13th? That was only a few weeks ago. . ." He whispered as he turned the page.
~June 15th,~
"That was the day Tai gave me his soccer ball. . ." Matt whispered as he continued to read the passage.
~I gave Matt my soccer ball. I don't think I can take this anymore. I'm starting to think about suicide. I really don't know what else to do. I feel so scared and lonely. Why can't I tell any of my friends? Why? I'm just so scared to think about how they would pity me and feel sad for me. I really do think suicide might just be my only way out. If I did, I wouldn't be paralyzed and I wouldn't have to deal with the depression. I think I will have to do it.~
"No!" Matt screamed at the journal. "That wasn't you only choice. . . You could've told anyone! None of us would've made you feel bad. Any of us would've been there to help you. . ." Matt started to cry as he put the journal down. "No, I have to finish reading this." Matt turned the page and read the final passage in Tai's journal.
~June 22nd,
~I don't think I have any other choice, this will be my last journal entry. I can't take the depression anymore. I can't take the feeling of helplessness, I hate feeling so scared. I already decided how I am going to do it. I will take a razor blade and slash my wrists when I go to bed. I will do it when I get real sleepy so then I won't have to think about much. I'm just so scared, I really don't know what else to do. I know what I am going to do will hurt my family and friends so much, I know it. I will leave a note for Matt, Sora, and my family. If Matt can overcome his fear and read the note, then I'm sure he's probably reading this asking himself why. Even I don't really know. I guess it's just the fear and depression of the disorder I have in my back. I just never want to picture life in some wheelchair, having to be pushed around and not even being able to get past half a foot of stairs. I only wish I was able to at least tell Kari about what I am feeling, but I guess in the end I wasn't able to stomach this whole situation. I only hope everyone can forgive me for this. . .~
Matt finally closed the journal and broke down in tears. 'So that's why he did it.' Matt thought to himself as the sadness overcame him. 'He was too scared to tell anyone because he thought we would all treat him different. He didn't want us to think of him as some weak person, but none of us would ever think of him that way.' Matt covered his face with hands and lay on the floor as he continued to bawl. He finally knew why, but now he would have to learn to move on. . .
"He was a good friend." Sora said as she placed a small rose on Tai's grave. Matt stood by her, and T.K. stood by Kari, hugging her as a few tears came out of her eyes. Joe had come back a few weeks earlier, but wasn't able to go the funeral. It didn't hit Joe as hard, but Tai was still his friend as well. Izzy walked over to the grave, and just looked at It for a while. "Matt was right Tai, none of us would've felt any different about you." Matt had told everyone about reading the journal, and the note. "I just hope he is finally at peace." Kari sobbed out. "Don't worry Kari," T.K. said as he hugged her again. "I'm sure he's ok." Matt was glad his eight year old brother understood. Mimi was silently crying next to the grave. "At least now we know why." Matt said as he stared at the sunset. "At least now we can move on. . ."
The End
@@@@@@@@@@
A/n: Well, it took me like four days to write it, but I finally finished. I hope you enjoyed reading this fic, cause as usual, I enjoyed writing it. As usual, please review the fic cause the feedback is really encouraging. Any questions, comments, etc. . . can be sent to me e-mail quake3rox@aol.com Like I said before, I myself have never lost anyone to suicide, but I still felt like writing it. I don't really know why, I just got the idea and wrote it on the computer. I am usually a yamachi fanfic writer, and I know I made one scene that kinda leaned on that, but for this fic I just wanted to make it a friendship one. I am going to begin work on another fic soon, so I am pretty much always either writing on the comp or getting owned at counter-strike. I hope all of you enjoyed the fic :)