A/N: oh god this is terrible im a terrible person and this fic will be terribly self indulgent. watch out for plot holes and tense shifts and the like.

"Where are we going? What's the plan for tonight?" Emma asked as she perched a foot on the dashboard. Killian had just picked her up from school, her volunteer work for the library keeping her unusually late. He smacked her shin, and she punched his bicep, exposed by the tank he was wearing. His face split into a grin and he started pinching her sides with his right hand, making Emma laugh as she tried to defend herself. "Knock it off!"

"We're going home and getting incredibly drunk," Killian said, taking his hand back and putting it on the steering wheel. "And then we're going to solidify our bromance by sharing our deepest secrets."

Emma scrunched her nose at the tacky term for their friendship, "Like we already don't know each other's secrets."

"Ah, but see, you haven't told me about your little red crush on Regina Mills," he smiles, taking in Emma's wide eyes and open mouth. "I'm hurt, by the way."

"Uh. Wh...," Emma started, but then shut her mouth and swallowed before trying again, "How do you know about that?"

"Oh c'mon Emma, you start volunteering at the library during fifth, we suddenly switch seats at the cafeteria, and you don't go to Junior Prom," he waved his hand around, "I'm not the brightest color in the box, but I am your best friend, and I do notice these things. At first I thought it was Graham! He and Regina spend a lot of time together, so I wasn't able to tell, but then Red had brought up the fact that you had started targeting him during gym."

Emma ducked her head a little, "God, I am the jealous type, aren't I?"

"Yes, well. Good thing Regina and Graham are just friends,"

"Are they?"

Killian drove up to the curb of the house and killed the car. He turned and looked at Emma in all her slumped glory, and said, "We should know better than anyone. Remember eighth grade?"

Emma groaned, sliding a hand down her face. "Eighth grade."

Killian made a noise of agreement and reached under his seat, coming back up with a baggie of weed.

"A two?" Emma asked, snatching it out of his hands and inspecting it.

"Should more than hold the three of us,"

"Great. Let's get shitfaced."

They both kicked off their shoes in the living room. Killian began to break up the weed at the coffee table and Emma made a beeline for the kitchen to get them both a beer. She handed Killian his and took a long swig of hers.

"Where's Liam?" she asked, looking around. Liam was Killian's older brother, and he was kind enough to take Emma in after Killian had met her at the local park and she had confessed that she was a runaway orphan. So yes, she had been living with the Jones boys for a more than a few years now.

"Dunno," Killian shrugged.

"So you planned this intervention? You knew we weren't going to do anything for prom, so you planned this?" Emma asked with a pointed look before plopping herself on the couch next to him.

"Not really an intervention, more like...a plea bargain,"

"A plea bargain?"

"Yes...we both know you're guilty of the crime of having a crush and not telling me. So we're going to talk it out, me and you and possibly Liam,"

"That analogy doesn't even make sense," Emma pointed out, and then took another long drink.

"Shut your dirty, lying mouth and make the bong," Killian joked, setting some cut up weed aside for Emma.

"Fine," she grumbled, placing her beer down and going back to the kitchen in search of a plastic bottle.

Liam stepped into the kitchen from the garage, and upon seeing Emma, gave her a big hug. "Emma!"

"Hey, Liam," she greeted, warmed by his affection. "What's up?"

"Some fishing nets got caught in the boat's propeller, but I managed to get the nastiest of it untangled," Liam said.

"Lee and I got some pot, if you want. I was just gonna to fix this," Emma offered, showing him the empty PowerAde bottle. He reached into his pocket and took out his pocket knife and handed it to her. "Thanks,"

"No problem. But uh, I can't tonight; I've got a shift in the morning. I was about to head to bed, actually."

"Oh, that's too bad,"

"Yeah. But you and Lee enjoy yourselves. Don't go out anymore, okay?"

"Alright," she said, and Liam kissed the top of her head and headed off into the hallway. She heard him call out a goodnight to Killian and then a few seconds later, the sound of a door closing.

As she walked back into the living room, Killian said, "I swear he loves you more than he loves me."

"That's because I'm cool and you're not," Emma said, and her tone was serious enough to make Killian laugh. He was slouched against the couch and had apparently turned on the TV, his eyes on some program about the sea.

"Ugh, you and Liam both. I swear to God, in some past life you both were fucking pirates or something."

"What?"

"The ocean! Both of you would practically marry it, if you could."

Killian chuckled in way of any retort. Emma sat down again and got to work on the PowerAde bottle, making a hole in the cap and another at the bottom. Killian took the liberty of packing the bowl as Emma carefully stabbed the bottle.

"There," she said, satisfied. She handed the bottle to him and watched as he plugged the hole in the cap with the bowl.

"Alrighty, who takes the first hit?"

"Me!" Emma playfully exclaimed. She polished off her first beer before sealing her mouth around the hole in the bottle. Killian produced a lighter from out of nowhere and lit the bowl. After a few moments, she exhaled the smoke she'd sucked out of the bottle and he took the cap off and inhaled the smoke that was trapped inside. "You want another beer, Lee?" Emma asked.

"Please," he said, a little bit of smoke coming out of his mouth.

More bowls and beers later, and Emma and Killian were staring at the TV.

"You were, supposed to talk. About Regina," he managed to say around the soporific substances he was smoking and drinking.

"Uh. Really, man?"

"Yup," he popped the 'p'.

"She got a new haircut. Like, Regina was ridiculously good-looking before, no doubt, but...wow. Her new haircut."

"Isn't that like, shallow? Only noticing her because of her haircut," he suggested while looking into his empty bottle of beer. Emma had grown tired of going to the kitchen and back every time they wanted another drink, so she had hauled the 20-pack from the freezer to the living room earlier. He grabbed for another.

"I don't know, maybe? I don't think it matters anyway. I'm crushing on her, and she has a habit of sneering at me. I think it's because I hang out with you, Ruby, and August. She probably hates David on principle because of MM."

"What's wrong with us?" he asked, an amused noise coming from his throat. He was having trouble twisting the cap off, so Emma took it from his hands to open it for him.

"Uh, you and your brother are stoners, I'm pretty sure August and Ruby together have slept with half the school and faculty, and well, yeah."

"You're a stoner, too."

"Be quiet and finish your beer," she packed another bowl and smoked it.

"You're even self-demonstrating," he said, gesturing at the smoke Emma was letting out through her nose.

"Whatever, you suck."

"Nice comeback,"

"Shush,"

Emma woke up on her back with Killian's sleeping head on her thigh. At least the couch was soft, she mused. She felt something hard pressed against her calf; she scrunched her nose. She pulled her leg back and kicked him in his jimmies hard enough to jolt him, but not enough to actually hurt him.

"Ey," he cautioned, cupping his junk protectively. His voice was wonderfully scratchy.

"Well stop being disgusting and keep that thing flaccid, please," she grumbled, her voice also sounding like she went to a football game last night. Killian sat up and squinted, the harsh light of day awakening his hangover. Emma was just starting to feel hers as well: a headache that was coming to realization and a sick rolling in her stomach. "Oh...man," she exhaled.

"Pack a bowl and I'll get some ibuprofen?" Killian offered, getting up slowly and stretching some kinks out. Emma made a noise of approval and did her best to stretch on the couch without further upsetting her stomach. She was still packing the bowl when he came back with four small, orange pills and two bottles of water. She gratefully took two of the pills and washed them down with a swish of water.

"Ugh, what time is it?" Emma asked, finally realizing that there was a lot of sunlight coming through the curtains. Killian patted his pockets for his phone, and he looked around the table before locating it underneath some comic books.

"Two," he supplied, an astonished look passing over his face. "Oh, there's a text from Red,"

"Let's hear it," Emma said and then lit the bowl.

"'Hey, Lee, what happened last night? Why didn't you or Emma go to prom? Call me,'" he repeated word for word from his text, even mimicking Ruby's intonation. "I still can't believe you didn't tell her about your plans to skip prom."

"I didn't want to upset her. And I'm pretty sure she would've ditched prom, too, if she knew we weren't going. You know how much she was looking forward to it,"

"Yes, well let's hope she had a good time without her best friends,"

"Hey, David and MM and August and Archie were all there!"

"August is the only one who knows how to party out of the people you just named,"

Emma snorted despite herself. Then she sighed, "Fuck, I probably need to apologize. Thanks for being a good conscious, you piece of shit."

"You're welcome," then, "Do we call her back now?"

"Uh, sure."

Killian placed the call and then put it on speaker. They both winced as the loud sound of the ringing tone pierced through their hearing. After the fourth ring, Ruby picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey," "Hello,"

A pause. "Lee, you have me on speaker?"

"Yes, I do."

"Mm. Anyway what's going on with you two? Decided to ditch prom? You missed some juicy stuff last night,"

"Uh, yeah sorry I didn't tell you, it was sorta a last minute decision. On my part, I mean. Lee was already in his tux when I told him, and he didn't want me to be by myself, so. Yeah, we just drank it up last night." Emma ducked her head at the train wreck coming out of her mouth. Eloquent she was not. A liar she was even less of.

"Yeah okay, you can tell me the actual reason you didn't want to go to prom at Granny's."

Emma slumped in defeat, making Killian laugh. "She seems sorry enough, anyway," he said a loud for Ruby's benefit. "What are you doing, Red?"

"Me? I'm at the outlets with Belle, right now."

"Alright, call us when you're about done and we'll figure out what to do from there."

"Kay kay," Ruby said and then there was the dial tone, dull and steady.

"She seems well enough," Emma observed.

"Stop being a baby and go take a shower while I make us some eggs,"

"I'm going to turn yellow," Emma complained, because they literally had eggs every day.

"You are yellow. And my eggs could make Gordon Ramsey come in his pants. Go take a shower."

"Fine."

Belle didn't have a problem dropping Ruby off at the Jones' house, and that's where the tall teen found herself an hour and a half later with a few shopping bags in hand.

Emma opened the door with a toothbrush in her mouth. She also wasn't wearing any pants. Ruby quirked an eyebrow but decided not to say anything. Emma graciously took Ruby's shopping bags and headed for her room.

"Hey, Em," Ruby greeted her as she stepped in the house.

"Hey, Rubes," Emma tried to smile around her toothbrush and failed. "Uh, Lee's in his room - you can go say hi while I, uh," Emma pointed at her foamy mouth. Ruby nodded and Emma disappeared.

"Knock, knock," Ruby said in time with her actual knocks, and without further ado, opened Killian's door. He was shirtless and Ruby took a second to admire his broad shoulders and toned stomach. "I forget how hot you are, sorry," she apologized when she noticed his ducked head and red ears.

"Yes, well." He picked a random shirt off his floor and lifted it to his nose, checking for odor. After a few long sniffs, he pulled it on.

"How hard did you guys go last night?"

"Not extremely, but we got pretty stupid,"

"I can barely remember most of last night," Emma volunteered as she came into the room.

"You're still not wearing pants," Ruby told her, amused and appreciative. Her best friends were hot.

"I hate pants and I refuse to put any on 'til we're leaving."

"Okay, what are you, three? Anyway," Ruby sat down on Killian's bed and patted her hands on either side of her, gesturing for him and Emma to sit and continued, "I have news."

"Yeah, you said something 'juicy' had happened," Emma said.

"Something juicy did happen. But guess what? You guys suck. So your punishment for ditching me is buying me lunch at Granny's. And only after this wolf has had her fill of hot food will she tell you what happened."

Killian and Emma looked at each other, doing that silent communicating thing that Ruby hated.

"Okay. I think we have enough money," Emma sighed.

"Good, 'cause I'm ordering something expensive," Ruby sniffed.