Hi everyone. For those of you how are wondering (if anyone even is), I'm not sure if I will finish Ballet and Snape. It has gotten a lot of nasty feedback, and I'm just not feeling it now.

This is a one shot. I don't know. With the season 4 trailer of Downton Abbey out, and that scene of Carson holding Mary and she was crying, this has been on my mind.

Enjoy. Or don't. If you don't like it, that is perfectly fine, but there is no need to be rude... :/

:)

It was well after midnight, but I found no solace in sleep. As a matter of fact, sleep eluded me altogether tonight, as it often did these days. I had taken to wandering the empty corridors like a ghost. Sometimes I would find myself in the library, other times in the servant's quarters. I never ran in to anyone, and I liked it that way. I knew my family was concerned about me, but I ignored it. They couldn't understand my grief.

I hadn't cried since the death of Matthew, my dear Matthew. I didn't think I could, as the pain I felt was so great, I knew it would kill me if I let it out. I found it difficult to be a mother right now, and was glad for Nanny. I know everyone else in the household frowned on this, they thought in a time of such grief I should hold the last of my dear Matthew close, but how could I?

Tonight found me in the servant's quarters. I knew I shouldn't be here, as it was their part of the house, and not my business. As I turned back to leave, I tripped through the doorframe, falling against the door on the other side. I winced and hoped I didn't wake up whoever it was that lived on the other side. I righted myself slowly and continued down the corridor. I stopped when I heard a door behind me open and the light from a lantern fell on me.

"Lady Mary?"

It was Carson. Of all of the people to wake, it had to be him. I turned slowly to face him.

He held up his lantern and moved swiftly to me.

"Lady Mary?" he said again, "Are you alright? What are you doing up here? Do you know what time it is?"

I stared blankly at him for a few minutes before replying, "I am sorry, Carson, I accidently ran in to your door, I did not mean to wake you. Please, go back to bed."

"M'lady. " he said softly, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

I just smiled dimly at him and turned to make my way back downstairs.

I was afraid Carson would mention our late night encounter the next day, the last thing I wanted, as my family didn't know I didn't sleep, and the last thing I wanted to do was worry them more. However, Carson said nothing. I did notice him watching me more than usual, though.

I tried to pay more attention to where I was going at night now, and I hadn't ended up in the servant's quarters in weeks.

I felt my family, try as they might to be patient, growing weary by me. It had been many months since the death of my beloved, yet I hadn't overcome it.

Today Granny found me in my room, and sat down on the bed next to me. She looked me in the eyes, and said

"You have a straightforward choice. You must choose either death, or life."

I looked back at her and replied "And you think I should choose life?"

That haunted me this night. How easy it would be to just let go and be with my beloved Matthew.

I was walking through the kitchens when it finally hit me. So suddenly and like a ton of bricks, and it was all I could do not fall to the ground and scream in agony. I gasped and grasped for the wall in hopes it would hold me up.

The next thing I knew the tears were coming, hard and fast. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I began to sob uncontrollably, face in hands, and I thought this was it, I was shattering and there was no saving me.

Yet, I heard, through my sobbing, that deep, kind voice I loved so much, "Lady Mary.", and the next thing I knew, strong arms were wrapping around my tiny fragile body, and pulling me against to the owners large warm chest. Carson.

"There, there." Carson whispered as he held me. I don't know how long we stood there; me weeping, Carson holding me. After some time, I began shivering from the cold. My sobs had stopped and my tears were slowing. I pulled away from Carson.

He gestured me through the doorway, "I started a fire a bit ago, lets have some tea, shall we?"

I nodded vaguely and we stepped through in to the kitchen. He pulled a chair in front of the fire for me, and I sat down, gazing in to the fire lost in my thoughts. I was brought out from my thoughts as a cup of tea was passed under my nose.

"Thank you, Carson," I said taking the cup, "You've always been so kind to me. Always. From when I was quite a little girl. Why is that?"

He smiled kindly at me and said, "Even a butler has his favorites, M'lady."

I gazed back into the fire and said softly, "Does he?...I'm glad."

We sat in silence for a while. It had to be very, very late night, possibly early morning. "Carson," I said, "Surely you need to get some rest, goodness knows what time it is, and you have to work soon."

"I've worked on less sleep than this, M'Lady. Don't worry yourself about it."

I smiled at the fire. My dear Carson. My second father. He has always been there to pick me up when I fall.

As though he knew what I was thinking he said, "I know you have spirit, my lady, and that's what counts. It's all that counts in the end."

I stood. "Thank you, Carson. For everything." He made a small bow to me, asking "Shall I see you back to your rooms?"

"Please.", He took my empty cup, put out the fire, and tucked my arm in to the crook of his elbow.

As we walked back to my room, I knew that I would be okay. Maybe not tomorrow, but I now knew that I chose life, and it was time to start living again.