Kids you recalled a time when your Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall where trying to get pregnant, but decided to wait on the uninverse to show them all our counter parts first. And your uncle Barney was the last to be seen and his just happened to be their fertility doctor. Will there's more ways he helped us all than in just that scenerio, that I failed to mention. Such as the time we needed him to prove Barneys innocence because of his surprisingly Evil twin brother who set him up to take the fall for him to go to prison, And yes I said evil twin, how cliche is that! Arnie Stinson was his name and he's bounced around from more foster homes than the problem child in the 90s.
But let's start off from the beginning. Our story actually takes place as one of our groups darkest period in our lives.
Clinton correctional facility in Donnemora, NY. In late July 2013. Barneys old boss was waiting to go to trial after the Feds had him on multiple charges for corporate; embezzlement, fraud, perjury. Just to name a few.
A tall gray and boading man approaches a glass in the prison visitor center. With him he carries an ominous large yellow envelope, that would lead to a series of events, that's going to change the 5 close friends all together.
The man takes a seat in a chair across from his client and close cousin, the two men pick up the receivers.
"Charlie, you get what I asked for ?" Inquires the jail mate holding the receiver close to his mouth and cups his hands over the phone.
"Cuzzo, who do think your talking to?" Charlie says confidently in a deep mobster style NY accent. He holds his hands up as if to be held at gun point. " Don't I always come thru. But look getting this wasn't easy either. Had to pay everything but a braccio and gamba , so I hope it's worth it like you say."
" oh it's worth it alright, that's son of bitch ratted me out and is the reason I'm locked up in here and not making my money or helping the family and he's gonna pay" his hoarse voice strained from Aungish and attempting not to cause a scene that would draw attention to their meeting. " And I want him in here..with me, where I can make everyday of his putrid existence pure hell"
"You know I'm always willing to help, But I got to tell you " Charlie leans in closer and looks around. "This guy you sending in after him , total nut job, rumor has it he's got a multiple personality disorder, not to mention his record. While impressive the family wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot pole. So their washing their hands of this matter if anything goes sour"
The inmate smiles "the only sour! thing I see happening is how his face will look when he see's me rearranging his organs. With a dull butter knife and rusty ice pick.
The visitor called "Cousin Charlie" sighs, sadden at the state his family has fallen into.
"Will we found him, all you have to say is go and plans are put into rotation."
The inmate presses his face against the glass and grits his teeth. "GO!"
Charlie puts down the receiver and removes the tabs from the envelope. He reaches his hand inside and pulls out a picture.
A mugshot of a dark haired, lips pierced, Barney Stinson lookalike , wearing a AC/DC Tattoo on the upper left side of his chest, that's scarcely covered by his black leather vest.
He presses the photo against the glass and picks up the phone again "Is this the guy?"
The inmate Hoovers over his chair. His eyes widen and bloodshot. He looks at the key characteristic of Barneys look alike.
The narrow sucken in doe eyes. Soft features and chiseled chin with that smug smile. Definitely a perfect replica.
But at the same time. This man in the mugshot suffered, pained by the memories of no mother, nor brother or father, at least not a good one. No friends to hang out with or a regular pub to drink and joke at. No woman for company or tailor made suits. And no real reason to smile everyday.
No this man was not Barney Stinson. This man was broken, a criminal, and parasite to the he city and all who knew him.
A low life thief whose earliest memories he could recall was late night beatings from a drunk father. No foster home truly wanted him and no school wanted take the time to teach him.
This man was his greatest ally right now and Barneys worst nightmare.
3:15 pm MacLarens Pub.
Barney, Ted, Tracy, Lily, Marshall and The new Mrs. Stinson,Robin. Were sitting down at there usual table drinking there normal drinks and catching up while they still could for one last time.
"So you two, how was Belize?" Asks newcomer to the group Tracy. Their wedding bands bass player and Teds new girlfriend.
"I heard the weather this time of year is pretty nice."
"Yea Barney your suntan looks bronzer than ever" Lily notices
"Tan, puh-leaze" he circles his face " no hun, all natural" . He takes a sip of his scotch and nods at Tracy with a smirk.
"Yea ok, as natural as the hair on Lily's head" Robin snarks.
" Hey I am too a natural redhead " Lily defends
"That's what you said about the blonde look you had"
She remembered a time Lily Dyed her hair all blonde back in 2008 and insisted on telling everyone it was her natural color and she looked good. ( it wasn't and she didn't)
" it was a phase...and what's got you all in super BITCH! mode"
Robins sighs" I'm sorry " she apologizes " I didn't mean to take it out on you and Belize was wonderful Tracy. My job wants me to report to Argentina for location and SOMEONE! " she nods her head over at Barney whose clearly the culprit at root for her animosity." Is putting me thru hell about going."
"I'm sorry, was that directed towards me, because I don't recall you asking me , only barking orders and an occasional growl. Like worlds most vicious chihuahua " he sips his scotch.
"It's my job Barney, you knew sooner or later, I would have to report somehwhere else to work other than NY"
" yes I know and do you realize I cut my honeymoon-"
" our honeymoon" Robin interrupts
" my honeymoon a whole 30 weeks short" he whimpers " so selfish"
" Barney" Lily intervenes " i don't know if you realize it or not but most couples go away for only a few days to a couple weeks, how long did you expect you guys to be gone?"
" gone? oh the usual length of time" Barney states " gone for 2 months after the wedding, come back turn my boss into the Feds, then gone another 5 months , now I have to start back all over again"
"Wait , you mean to tell me we only came back so you could finish your stupid revenge from almost 2 decades ago" Robin flares.
" stupid revenge" his voice trails off. Barney stares off for a second " wait yup.. that's pretty much it" he takes another sip of his drink. " oh and to check on my babies "
That's right kids, Robin and Barney have been back for a few weeks and the first place he checks is his closet.
" why didn't you just tell me that's what it was for, instead of me being utterly pissed off and mad this entire time we've been back"
Barney looks into the eyes of his new bride. And realized how little he's thought of her most of this trip, and how much he put her thru since there arrival back in the states. He reaches for her hand in effort to console his wife and looks into her eyes "I'm sorry Robin, I've been selfish and for that I apologize ,I knew eventually we would likely be traveling for your job and for that reason I needed to finish this before we did. So when the time does come ,I can be there to fully attend to and support " he pauses for a brief second" my wife" those words weighed on everyone. The meaning behind it was more profound than they all could ever imagine. Barney Stinson a lover, friend and now Husband.
"Awe " Lily dotes "that's was so beautiful , how come you never say anything like that to me Marshall" she slaps the upper left of his arm.
"Um, Excuse me child, am I not going with you to Rome?" He says in the most diva-ish voice ever and snaps his fingers.
"Point taken" Lily slopes down further into her seat , without hurting her newly found baby bump.
"That's great you guys. Lily and Marshall will be leaving for Rome, Barney and Robin for Argentina, feels like everyone's finally moving foward now," he raises he drink in the air " Hey salude" and soon everyone follows suit. Robin and Barney with their scotch. Marshall with a Daquiri and Lily with water and Tracy with a Beer.
Ted smiles thinking about everything that has happen to get them all to this point and it was magical in its own little way.
Tracy leans over and whispers in his ear. "Do you think you need to go somewhere to?"
Ted looks at his friends .Lily wrapped in Marshalls arm and him rubbing her stomach carrying their second expecting child.
And Barney and Robin , sipping scotches and steering off at the television watching some game. He looks over at Tracy and says " No , you are my somewhere. And I don't want to go anywhere your not."
"Always the romanitc" she kisses him. And for a Moment everything was perfect.
"ALRIGHT, I GOT A PROPOSAL" yells Carl to his reg pub patrons. " who ever can help me do inventory for a few hours
I'll clear your bar tab and the rest of the year your drinks are on me, " people start to murmur and suddenly anxious to help" 2 drinks a day max" then they weren't .
"Challenge accepted " Barney stands to his feet and rushes to the bar to see what he can do .
"He does realize MacLarens isn't a mobile drinking service, right?" Marshall ask Robin.
"Nope, but what kind of wife would I be to kill his dreams" Robin smiles and sips her drink all while thinking, that's my husband,
"Alright if you could do me a favor first before we start, and take out this trash bag to the dump in the back of the store, that'll be a real help." Carl points to the bag of trash with a rancid smell of wasted food and expired alcohol.
"What is it?" Barney scowls his face at the task at hand.
" just your everyday Barhold items, food, drinks and bathroom residue"
Barney looks at his clothes .So clean cut fresh looking " Anything that can stain a limited douche double breasted suit with diamond cufflings, that cost about 2 craploads ?"
Carl looks him up And down,head to toe " most definitely " he says " if I was use I'd change or take off what you like the most and leave it here" on that note he walks in the other direction with clipboard in hand.
Barney removes his jacket ,vest and tie and lays them on the counter. He then begins to pull the trash from the tin bin. He immediately starts retching from the smell and rushes to the back of the store thru the exit , leaving a trail of sludge and slim behind him. He throws the trash into the dumpster.
" oh god, I got some in my mouth" as he leans over and begins to vomit.
Suddenly he hears foot steps approach him from behind " oh buddy you ok?" The stranger asks.
Not recognizing the voice he just assumes its a worried passerbyer.
"Not even close " he answers not looking up.
"That's sucks" the guy puts his hand on his shoulder and leans in" cause it's about to get a whole lot worse".
Suddenly Barney feels a sharpe object in his neck assuming a needle of some kind. And he passes out, falling to the feet of the stranger and in his own waste.
When Barney begins to finally awake , he's laying in a bed of some crappy possibly bug infested motel. The room was dark but he could make out some objects every now and again from the flashing neon red light outside. He was laying down on squeaky full bed with cotton and floral patted sheets. Next to him a black end table Rickety and uneven as the clock was falling to the side. The walls with peeled paint and a decade of grime dust Moss and most likely lead behind floor with ripped up pieces of Carpet and corners of missing wood and holes in the walls. At one point he thought he seen a mouse or roach crawl thru it. The bathroom light was on but flickering the tub processed a ring and the sink was hanging slightly and a constant dripping sound that sounded louder than it actually was, he knew they was kitchen somwhere but the light couldn't reach it from either side . He can hear the mumbles of loud neighbors screaming and children yelling.
Dizzy, he can barely make out the time on the clock next to him .11:17. What the hell, that can't be right ,he thinks.
Suddenly a banging at the door growing louder and more intense with every knock.
"Wait a minute" he tries to say but can barely mutter a word out his mouth. Still dazed from the drug, a side effect not yet worn off.
"Mr. Stinson , we know your in there. By order of the NYPD, you are to open this door immediately and come out with your hands up or we will be forced to break it down."
"One second" he tries to push the words out Again , still nothing.
On the count of 3 Mr. Stinson ..1" the policeman yells on the other side of the door. Barney Manages to push himself up. His body in pain. Mostly coming from his neck and on the left side of his chest. He looked down and noticed gauze where the burning and stinging sensation was coming from.
"2 ,Mr. Stinson " the voice barks again. He also noticed his nails. Painted black and his clothes. Some torn denim jeans ,leather cowboy boots and a black jean jacket with the arms cut off. " what the hell am I wearing" he asked puzzled.
"3 Mr. Stinson ,where coming in" Before he knew what had taken place two policemen , a white officer with a mustache and a black one with a goatee, both almost the same build and height of 5'9 maybe 6'0 ft even and 2 hundreds and some odd pounds. Had his smaller frame pinned to the floor and handcuffed.
"Mr. Arnie Stinson?"
"Barney" Barney corrected as they lifted him to his feet.
"Arnie Stinson , you are under arrest for the following charges of grand larceny, kidnapping drug trafficking and theft"
"What are you talking about,?" He wiggles around attempting to free himself from their grasp " I demand you set me free , at once and let me call my lawyer"
"Oh you'll be calling your lawyer alright" says the officer with the mustache " and about 20 years to go with it" both of the officers laugh. " brother in blue high five " says the African-American policemen and they both slap hands.
As Barney gets dragged along out the door where faces of bewildered strangers gawk and stare from there doorways ,and some children in the hall, he catches a quick glance of himself, In a cruddy mirror on the wall. He sees his hair has been dyed a jet black , hes wearing eye liner and a lip ring in the corner of his mouth.
While these men are looking for someone who definitely isn't him Barney notices, then again he didn't look anything quite like himself either.