I hate to say it, but I've recently come to realize that I've reached a stage in my life where I can legitimately classify myself as jaded. I'm 18 so I can imagine the looks I'm getting. But seriously, I'm finishing the tail end of my high school career—ok. My grades aren't bad; they're better than average, but that range takes up a lot of space and having it be true just doesn't amount to what it once did. In fact, I'd venture to say that with the "average" range expanding as it is, in a very short while my better than average status will drop to a "below average."
Whoopee! Why be jaded when I can be jazzed about becoming outmoded? In case you didn't know—that was sarcasm.
Moving along, there are things about my home life I could discuss. How about being an orphan, an only child, and the youngest member of a ragtag band of misfits? Doesn't that sound exciting? Sure there's a lot of love. I live and breathe those people, but the point in being cynical is looking past the silver lining into the thick gloom and mucketty-muck-muck. I'm so far past just looking my skin feels like sludge.
Finally, the things that perhaps single-handedly pushed me into the realms of jade land were the recent developments in my "love" life. There is no love there believe me. I hate it… or I would if there was something to hate.
My entire life I've loved this one person. Only him… I'm not blind okay. Sure I've noticed others and have done the "giddy" thing a bit too often to have any pride left, but no matter who else I saw physically, in my mind there was only Aoshi-sama. Unfortunately, our first meeting was far less than romantic. I can't be 100 percent certain seeing as how I was a baby at the time, but I'm fairly confident that his first words about me were "Who's the brat?" Now it's grown to "Misao, you're such a brat." Golly, don't I feel so fulfilled after 18 years of trying to catch his attention. The last two I've been near desperate imagining ways to get him to notice me as a woman once and for all. I know I'm not exactly voluptuous, but I'd like to think I've filled out enough to not be compared to people in diapers.
Insert long-suffering sigh as a sign of exasperation.
Included in this mix is another issue. It's hard to describe really. All I know is that even after all the Aoshi stuff, I was still a wee bit happy. A little more sarcastic, a little more caustic sure, but no one ever missed my genki. Then the dams burst. My best friend found love and it sucked my life away.
I won't say I'm jealous mind you. It's just I thought there would be many more opportunities for us to flounder in self-pity together—eating the occasional tub of ice cream, talking all night about the things that drive us crazy, watching cheesy romances and gaggin' over the stupidity claiming to maim any guy foolish enough to try the white knight stuff on us but secretly wishing there was at least an offer. Once in a while, we'd even sneak in to watch something a little more risqué. Some of those were so scorching we'd have to wear sun block. I preferred the cheesy romances; hate to admit that. But I'll also admit to liking having my curiosity squelched. How will I ever be able to watch another of those again without her there to talk to throughout and laugh with at the ridiculousness of it all?
Yesterday, while walking across campus alone on my way home, I spotted her and her new beau kissing under a tree. It was the third time in two weeks I've seen her. In two weeks I've only glimpsed her three times!! Before we were practically inseparable but now I can count on one hand the number of times I catch a glance of her face—or part of her face. She and Kenshin were pressed so closely together if I didn't already know what she looked like I'd never be able to give an accurate description.
I feel another sigh coming.
I stood there looking sad, lonely, and defeated for about 10 minutes before I gave up and was subsequently overcome with a wave of revulsion. Mentally, I could see myself turning on them with an industrial size hose and washing them out of my sight. I knew then I was lost and it was time to go. Besides, I'd squandered my quota of dignity for the day; no sense waiting around to beg Kaoru if she could possibly find the time to be my friend for the rest of the afternoon. No sir… I'm still an above average fool after all.
Woo! That mental rant was tiring. But at least we've covered the basics.
Presently, I'm sitting alone in a coffee shop sipping something I'd rather not, but you just can't make the same kind of statement drinking carbonates while standing in front of a vending machine. Besides, I keep hoping that if I sit here long enough I'll have a television moment; some other desperate soul longing for conversation will calm my mental anguish. Hmm. There was hope in that statement. I guess I'm still not completely lost yet. Whoa! Wait! I feel self-pity again as I lament over how few friends I actually have.
Aoshi is out. Kaoru is out. So is basically everyone else unless I want to torture myself and feel like a heel and a third shoe the rest of the day. Even Yahiko has things to do which don't include me. Self-pitying sigh this time to go along with another day of wandering alone aimlessly looking and feeling dejected.
I'm a restless soul by nature. Jaded or not I don't think I am mentally equipped to handle all this down time. "I could really use some action," I murmur to myself while sighing once again and blowing hair off my face.
As if on cue, the door opens.
"Hey weasel, long time no see." Great. Sano.
"Jackass."
He blinked twice and seemed to catch himself before saying something vicious. "Ouch, and here I was being friendly."
I can only imagine my face showed signs of being less than convinced his greeting was friendly and thoroughly unconvinced that he didn't want me to do something. Usually, that something ends up being painful.
"I swear." And he did with various colorful expletives. "You'd think I was the anti-christ or something with that look. If you're having one of them pts deals, I'd rather not know about it."
"It's pms asshole. And I know that you know that. Quit screwing around and tell me what you want already."
"Why do you assume I want…" It must have been the look again. Sano and I aren't exactly best friends, but we're far from being enemies. At the moment however, with the mood I'm in, he's one step away from being DOA.
"Truth is I need a girl."
Unh-huh. Now I know my face is doing something screwy, but my brain has just taken a vacation so I'm unable to process information at this time.
"Not like that! Geeze!" The expletives again.
"What's wrong with me?" I ask like an idiot. I don't think I could handle the truth or a lie at this point. Thankfully, for what I vow will be the first and last time in history, Sano has the good sense I lack and keeps going like he didn't hear me.
All's well. My life just couldn't be any better. Do you need me to tell you that was sarcasm?
"My buddy Katsu is in a bit of a bind. His portfolio has mysteriously vanished. He was working on some prints for some odd something or other, I wasn't really listening, but now it's gone and he needs several dozen pics but can't find anyone to model. Not only that but someone also sabotaged the school art studio where some of his initial sketches were stored. I offered to beat the crap out of everyone I could find until they offered up the name, but he suggested I'd be of more use out talent scouting."
Okay so sue me. I'm intrigued. Skeptical and distrustful, but also intrigued.
"Why didn't you just ask Takani-san? She's beautiful, vain, I'm sure she'd go gaga over something like this. Especially since I heard Katsu's drawings were for a competition to decide who honors the school nationally. Her face could be all over the country in a few months." Thought. "Or have you done something stupid and now you two are broken up again? Which still doesn't explain why you would ask me." Self-confidence being my friend would not be helpful in this situation. Sano is a born liar and manipulator. At least that is what a cynical person would say about him.
"No. We're fine. It's just that she's not the right person for this type of thing. Besides she's too deep into her pre-med books." A sly smile began to spread across his face and I knew he was going in for the kill. "Will you just do it already? It won't kill you. You'll even be helping out a friend. And it's possible there could be money involved."
"Please. What was I born yesterday? If Katsu had money to pay, you wouldn't be here groveling at my feet." I sighed. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I hope I'm not developing a medical condition, chronic exasperation. Another thought. This one is causing me to have heart palpitations. I was going to agree. I could feel it. It was what the sigh meant and my body was reacting by asking me if I'd finally gone mad.
Sano just sat there across from me looking hopeful yet smug as if he knew he didn't have to say anything else to convince me, which was good for him because he wasn't very convincing. Alas, the truth remains; I was already hooked. He started to say something else, perhaps a last bit to seal the deal effectively, but I cut him off with a simple, "Yes."
"Huh?"
"Yes."
"Yes, what?"
Yes, I'll do it."
"Hot damn. I hadn't even gotten to the good stuff yet." He pulled a crumpled slip of paper from his pocket. "Here's the address and time. I'm not sure what else there is to tell. Just don't mind him too much. He's really feeling the pressure so his mood might be a little snippy."
Great. Just what I wanted to hear, that I'd tossed my freedom to spend time whiling away for a snippy, moody artist. If I have to tell you about the sarcasm again this time, considerer yourself a lost cause.
"Don't worry about bringing makeup or clothes or anything you won't need it."
Smack. Another painful thought just hit me.
"S-s-sano these pictures, they aren't nudes or anything right…" Oh my head aches so badly. When will I ever learn to look before I leap?
"What are you nuts?!! Who'd ask you to pose for that kind of thing?"
My head feels better after hearing that, but the blow to my ego was rather harsh. I'll repay him in full at a later time. I'm a vengeful pessimist.
"He probably just wants to take a couple photos and draw some preliminary sketches. It won't be anything scandalous that's for sure. Not that I find nudes scandalous. What can be more natural that glimpsing the beauty of the female body." The look again. I was fully aware of it this time. "Please Misao?"
He said my name and please in the same sentence. Oh god help me! What have I done?!!
---
I arrived at the meeting place exactly on time. I took pains to avoid setting him off. I don't know Katsu very well so I decided to err on the side of caution. Truth be told however, he was in a better mood than I. He actually seemed as if he'd recently been graced with something called happiness. Damn me! Giving and giving but never getting. Oh well. Maybe this will pass quickly.
"There is an outfit hanging in the other room. I need a few more things brought in here so when you're done just have a seat on the stool by the window. Remember it's a borrowed costume so if a zipper gets stuck or anything try not to get too physical with it. I'll be right back."
Deep breath. This isn't so bad. I walked into the small room that also doubled as a portal to hell apparently and put my coat on the chair by the door. Looking around I smiled a bit. I was going to be a model. Katsu was a talented artist who was definitely going places. One day I could look back on this and say that I helped him get there. "See," I'd say, "that's my face in that famous, ridiculously expensive work of his." Eat that world.
I could feel bits of my old optimistic spirit creep up my spine. As I undressed the smile remained in place. It wasn't until I pulled the costume from the garment bag and nearly fainted that I realized I'd really stepped in it this time.
Oh the pain. I think my head is going to explode.
"Misao, is everything okay in there?"
I could only blink in response to his question from the other side of the door. My tongue was too busy trying to discreetly make gagging sounds.
"I'm fine. I'll be out in a moment."
Yep. I'm enthusiastic about stepping out of this room dressed like a reject from the Wizard of Oz munchkin squad. Damn me!!
It was my own fault sure. So I did hurry and dress and walked purposefully to where he waited for me by the window with the stool. This however did not mean I was happy or anywhere near civil.
"It's like something from a nightmare. What the hell kind of drawings are you doing?!"
"My original drawings were all of children, but with time being so short it'd be impossible to use kids to recreate the look so I decided to improvise. Children are really hard to work with, believe me. I had to pull every string I could think of to get my hands on the costumes again. Please Misao, I'm desperate."
Again with the please. Why must I have a good nature that people can appeal to? It's so not working well for me.
"I really need this. I wish I could recover those that were stolen, but I don't have the time to worry about that when the deadline is so close. If I spend all my time searching and still come up empty, I'll have nothing. At least this way I have a chance."
I wasn't going to leave the guy high and dry. I knew that the moment I said yes to Sano and taking the time to put on this ridiculous thing was a clincher, but I guess he just needed me to say it aloud. What the hell. It's not as if I have pressing engagements and he's in a rush so why not just end the charade and give the guy what he wants already.
"I won't leave. I can't guarantee I'll be good company though."
Life just can't get any better than this.
---
After what felt to my butt years, Katsu said we could call it quits for the day. All things considered, it hadn't been a terribly horrifying experience. And god help you if you tell anyone, I actually thought I looked cute in the outfit. Just like a munchkin. There goes all hope of me ever having sex.
I quickly changed out of the costume and back into my regulars as I waited for word from Katsu on what next.
"Do you think you could possibly come back tomorrow afternoon, after school? There are still three more costumes I'd like for you to wear."
What I wanted to say and what I actually said were polar opposites. What I wanted to say was, "There's no way in hell I'll wear another one of those getups!!" What I actually said was, "Really! You want me back? I'd love to." Have I really no backbone?
---
By the time I'd transformed myself from munchkin reject back to a plain old reject, it was time for dinner. Time to go home. Days like today make me really hate going home.
I felt the unnatural dread of being dragged through a brain-numbing vortex long before I actually entered the front door. Dinners at the Aoiya are nothing less than a harrowing experience. Somehow, someway, by the end of dinner I always feel as if I have run the embarrassment gambit.
In the old days, I'd kill for the opportunity to be the center of attention at the dinner table. Maybe Aoshi would come back to the Aoiya and eat dinner with us, something he rarely does now, maybe Okon and Omasu would fight over some man, maybe dinner would be a happy dysfunctional affair. I like the craziness. Or at least I did. It was fun. No matter what was said or what happened sooner or later we would all, except Aoshi that is, laugh about it and the next day it'd be a good memory.
As I slowly trudged the path to the door I cursed. The noise beyond let me know the prospects of this being a quiet evening were nil. It took all of my strength to keep going, to open the door and announce that 'Yes, I was home. And no I didn't want to talk about what happened during my day.'
Okon then began to look at me with a peculiar grin. I had a bad feeling. "Aah. Misao-chan. How was Katsu?" Her words stopped me dead in my tracks. How on earth had she found out about that?
"…" No point acknowledging anything. It's best to wait, find the source of the information, seek out said source and squash it like at bug.
"Come, come Misao. It's no secret. When Katsu told me he was looking for cute little people to pose in his costumes as adults, yours was the first name that came to mind. What did he work on today? I really liked the 'child bride' sketches he had at first. Too bad about that, ne? I don't know if you're as adorable as the little girl he used the first time, but I still think you'd look relatively cute in the costume. Everyone seemed to agree when I suggested it."
"You… you're the one that… but Sano…"
"Oh no. It was all my idea. Can't remember exactly how the conversation started, but I knew you'd be perfect."
"Gee thanks." I took off toward the stairs. I felt like having a temper tantrum but giving any of them the satisfaction of seeing it happen was a no-no. Besides, there were sharp knives close by and I didn't think that painting the walls with blood make me feel any better. Initially, yeah. But after I'd served my time in jail I'd probably realize aggravated assault or a flesh wound that earned only minor charges would have been just as efficient. Deciding it was better not to risk it, I attempted to slink away to my room and wallow in my thoughts.
"Hurry and wash up. It's time for dinner." This time it was Omasu's voice that called to me.
"I'm not hungry."
"But you must eat something. And besides Aoshi-san is here tonight."
Ha! I'll bet she thought that was the way to draw me back into the insanity. Forget it! No way was I going to spend the evening being embarrassed beyond belief. Aoshi could take his and shove it for all I care.
"So?" I tried to keep walking but she wasn't ready to admit defeat.
"Please?"
I gave her a cold stare.
"You must eat. You're far too thin as it is.
"Then it won't matter if I skip dinner now will it."
She gave me her my best exasperated sigh, but for once the guilt wasn't heavy enough to have me cowing. I decided it was best to hurry in and lock the door to my room before she realized this and found some other way to drag me back. She's a crafty one. I can never let my guard down around her.
---
I didn't exactly know what to do with myself when I finally found time alone. Mostly my thoughts centered on Katsu. I'll admit, for a while, I was pretty thoroughly convinced that all said and done in the course of the day's events was truthful, embarrassing, but truthful. But as I began to analyze the situation further, the further from the truth the story I'd heard sounded. It wasn't so much any one thing that was said that tipped me off as much as the cast of characters involved.
First there was Sano. I should have been even more suspicious from the start, but I'll chalk that up to naïveté. I'd like to think that inside I'm a raging rush of pure feminine killer instinct, but as I said in the beginning, I've only recently begun this long row to hoe and I'm still quite far behind. Katsu, I still couldn't quite place. He did sketch pictures and he seemed sincere. Always a bad sign. Lastly there was Okon. Hmm…
It was probably two a. m. before it truly struck me as odd the three of them (or perhaps even others I was unaware of) being together then being apart to come at me from different angles the way they did. The whole situation began to flare in my chest like heartburn. I knew something was going on, and I knew I was being used. I hate being used.
Part of me wanted to jump out of bed and set Okon's precious shoe collection on fire; another part of me was twice or perhaps three times as curious as I had been before. All too often I've heard the tale that I'm not 'adult' enough for all manner of things. However, this time I was brought in on something without having to beg… without being asked as well... I spent the next two hours reviewing this turn of events over and over in my mind wondering what could possibly be important enough to warrant such a charade. I couldn't come to any definitive answers, so I began to put all I knew and all my unanswered questions in my electronic notebook. After I'd finished, I turned off the light and crawled back under the covers with a sense of satisfaction. My nose was primed and ready for sniffing out secrets.