A/N: this is part 2 of the "Somewhere In between Series" So, please, if you haven't read and reviewed that one, please do… if only to understand this one. It's my first ever j/c story- well, it's not all mushy j/c, that wouldn't exactly work, but it, in theory is a story focus on the both of them. The song is by Boyz 2 Men- and I'd like to say that I do dedicate this to all the j/c fans who've read my other stuff, and waited through my multitudes of promises to write them a j/c fic. `Specially to Sometimes He Cries (hope I got that right) formerly AzkabanConvict. (Note: words in *stars* indicate thoughts or emphasis.)

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday



How do I say goodbye to what we had?

The good times

That made us laugh-

Outweigh the bad

            "Caitie! Wait!" Jamie cried, running after her. Caitie ignored him, instead running faster. She was out of Val's house now. Running towards her car. Almost free. "Caitie, please, you know that Val wouldn't want you to do this." He pleaded. The mention of her friend made her stop and face him, though every particle of her being just wanted to run again. Jamie stood silently at the door of Val's house, waiting for her to speak.

            "I wouldn't know what Val wanted. She's dead Jamie. Dead because of you and your precious squad." She answered coldly, turning heel and getting into her car. She shot out of the driveway, and paused for only a second to glance at his reflection in the rearview mirror. He was leaning against the wall, his head down, blocking the expression on his face. She'd hurt him, she knew it, but now she didn't care. He was a murderer; he'd helped to kill her best friend- he deserved to be hurt.

            Caitie drove aimlessly up and down the winding streets, till she found herself at the high school, in the parking lot behind the football field, where she had spent her time slacking off behind the bleachers while Val cheered and cart wheeled. She shut off the ignition and slumped back into the driver's seat. Hot tears threatened to spill down her cheeks, but she was too afraid to cry. Afraid that if she let them fall they'd never stop- never go away. She'd just keep letting them fall till she shriveled up and disappeared. She glanced at the contents of her spilled purse. Val's poetry book lay on the floor of her car, and she picked it up with trembling fingers and flipped past the familiar wrinkled cover, past the pages childishly decorated with Crayola colored pencils, flipped all the way to the last page. There, in Val's already neat handwriting was written

            "Dedication: This book of poetry is dedicated to Caitie, who showed me about writing poetry, and is my best friend in the entire world! Hey Caitie, I don't CARE about doing things the normal way- we are way beyond normal, and you should know it! Friends forever ~ Val (P.S: I am NOT a dummy!)"

            A small sob came from the back of her throat as Val's note pulled her back into a memory…

            "Caitie! Caitie! I did it! I wrote my poetry book!" 13-year-old Val Lanier exclaimed, greeting her best friend with her characteristic cheerfulness. Caitie grinned and strolled into the Lanier home, immediately making her way to Val's room. They'd been best friends so long that they treated each other's houses as extensions of their own homes.

            "Whoa, whoa, chill out Val. You don't want to break anything." The dark- haired girl responded with her usual sarcastic humor.

            "Well, do you want to see it? I need opinions before I publish. The `rental units are gonna FREAK!" She handed Caitie the five-page booklet, with her poems typed neatly inside. Caitie scanned the book.

            "I like the poetry, angsty, but very cool. But don't you think there should be pictures? And what about dedications? You have to have dedications to make it a real book you know." Val paused for a minute, a thoughtful look on her face.

            "You're right." She replied, "We can do that now!" she scrambled to her desk and ruffled around the clutter of the drawers until she found what she had been searching for: her box of colored pencils. "Could you help me work on the pictures? I'd do it myself, but I'm a hopeless artist, pleeeease?" she begged. Caitie nodded agreeably and took the pencils from her friend. The two girls quietly began their work. "Hey Caitie, what were you saying about a dedication?" Val asked. Caitie looked up from the vines of ivy that she was drawing around the edge of the paper.

            "Huh? Oh, yeah, they have them in books all the time. It's this page where the author kinda dedicates the book to whomever he or she wants to." She explained.

            "Oooh, I wanna write one of those. Ok, who should I dedicate it to?" she paused for a moment to think. Caitie cleared her throat loudly. "Oh! Right! I'm dedicating it to you Caitie!" Val grabbed a sheet of stationary off of her desk and stapled it to the back of the book.

            "Hey! That's not right! The dedication goes in the FRONT dummy!" Caitie grabbed another sheet of paper and stapled it to the front of the book. "There, now write!" Val examined the book critically, before tearing the blank sheet of paper off the front of the book and scribbling her dedication onto the back page. After a few minutes she handed it to Caitie, smiling in satisfaction. Caitie sighed and read the page.

            "Dedication: This book of poetry is dedicated to Caitie, who showed me about writing poetry, and is my best friend in the entire world! Hey Caitie, I don't CARE about doing things the normal way- we are way beyond normal, and you should know it! Friends forever ~ Val (P.S. I am NOT a dummy!)" She smiled as she saw Val's Post-script.

            "You are a dummy." She replied. "But that's ok, because I'll be your best friend anyway." Val laughed.

            "We'll stay best friends, no matter what. Our kids will even be best friends." She promised

            "You mean I have to grow old with you?" Caitie teased. Val nodded, a happy smile on her face.

            "Yup, that sounds about right. You're stuck with me - forever." She vowed, smacking Caitie playfully in the face with a pillow.

***

            *You're stuck with me – forever.* Val's voice echoed in Caitie's mind, taunting her with that one simple promise. Forever. Val had promised that they'd be best friends forever. They were supposed to grow old together, raise their families side by side.

            "Why did you do this?" she cried, crumpling the papers in her hand. "Why did you try to be the hero Val? Why did you try to save the day? Do you see where it got you? Do you see what it did to me?" more tears fell as sadness turned to anger. "I hate you!" she sobbed, tossing the wad of papers out the car window. "I hate you for lying to me! What happened to 'forever' Val? How can we see forever if your already gone?"

I thought we'd get to see forever

But forever's gone away

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.


I don't know where this road, is going to lead

All I know, is where we've been

And what we've been through

            Caitie walked slowly down the familiar corridors of Kingsport high school, trying to ignore the loud, fake sobs that rang out in the hallways. There was to be a special assembly at school in her honor that day, but Caitie wasn't planning on being there. She couldn't do it- couldn't sit there and grieve with the rest of them, when all she felt like doing was storming up to the lectern and telling everyone that they were crazy. It was a joke- a horrible joke- and Caitie, well, Caitie had to make it right. She had to make them all see that Val wasn't gone- she could never leave. It wasn't allowed- she wouldn't allow it. She'd had enough of this, talking about how Val had died a hero, how she selflessly gave up her time saving others. Sure, she was a hero. Sure, she'd died saving the life of a little girl. But Caitie only focused on the fact that if she hadn't been so busy saving the world, she'd be here now. There'd be no stupid assembly with all their speeches, tears and counselors. There'd only be English class, and history, and passing notes in study hall. The only thing she'd have to worry about was not having her Spanish homework - not how to pick the jigsaw puzzle pieces of her life back up after losing the one person she'd counted on to be there. Caitie entered homeroom, and the room quieted, giving way to whispers and looks of pity. She bravely strode to her seat, keeping her eyes on the ground as the teacher called attendance. Caitie blocked the voice of her teacher out, instead concentrating on erasing the invisible spot of lead on her homework assignment.

            "Lanier, Valerie." The class froze as they realized their teacher's mistake. A simple slip of the tongue, an error of habit, but it was enough to send Caitie spiraling over the edge. No one moved as Caitie looked up from her paper, tears sliding down her cheeks.

            "Absent." She whispered, standing up from her seat and exiting the classroom. As she left her seat, a worn poetry pamphlet slipped from her book bag and fluttered to the ground…



If we get, to see tomorrow,

Then I hope, it's worth the wait.

It's so hard to say goodbye

To yesterday



            Jamie knew that she wouldn't be at the assembly, but he looked for her anyway. He scanned the rows of students sitting solemnly in the aluminum chairs, his eyes searching for the familiar head of long, dark hair. Listening for her sarcastic laugh. Instead he saw lines of tears on the faces of students still in shock. Students still trying to understand why, or even how something like this could happen. Jamie had seen death before - he was an EMT. Death happened daily. It was part of the job. It was never like this though. He'd never felt this sick, this hallow, before. And the guilt. He'd never experienced the guilt that he was experiencing now. Never felt personally responsible for the death of another person. Caitie had been avoiding him like the plague, and he didn't really blame her. He'd let Val die. 5 seconds. If he'd just taken 5 seconds to pull her out of that water. Maybe he could have saved her. Maybe she could have lived. Maybe he wouldn't be seated on a hard metal chair in the middle of the gym, staring at the picture of her that rested on the podium and hating himself.

            He spotted Tyler, sitting up front, wearing the same blank expression that he'd had on his face since the day that Val died. It was like he died right along with her, leaving this empty shell behind. He didn't smile or laugh anymore, hardly spoke, shut himself up inside his house when he wasn't at school or at the station, silently filing paperwork. Jamie left his seat and made his way towards his friend, "How are you?" he asked softly. Tyler shrugged, keeping his gaze forward and his lips silent. Jamie tried again. "Have you seen Caitie anywhere?" Another shrug. "Well, I guess I'll see you later then." He said, making his way towards the exit of the gym.

            "You're not even going to stay for her memorial?" Tyler asked quietly. Actually, it was more of an expressionless statement then a question.

            "I have to find Caitie." He answered, "She-she's taking this harder then anyone." Jamie shut his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat. No, he wasn't going to cry. Not in front of Tyler- not in front of anybody. Crying showed weakness, and sad as he was, Jamie was tired of being seen as weak, and helpless. Weaknesses killed. Just like his had killed Val. "Later." He whispered, walking out of the auditorium.

***

            Jamie found her underneath the bleachers, a complete wreck. When he didn't find her at assembly, he knew that there would be only one place where she'd possibly think of going. "Caitie?" he said quietly, walking towards her form, crouched in the shade of the bleachers. She barely acknowledged that he was there. "Caitie, you have to listen to me." He begged. Only a slight movement of her head told him that she'd heard him. Jamie sighed and sunk down next to her, his tone softening. "Caitie, I'm sorry." He said quietly. "I'm sorry I let her die." He shook his head sadly. "And if you never speak to me again, I understand. But just, please, believe me when I tell you that I didn't mean for this to happen. If I had known I could have pulled her out of that water, if I had known that she could still be saved, I would have been the one to do it. I would have jumped in after her- if I had just known." His voice caught in his throat as he let a tear slide down his cheek. Caitie looked up and was surprised to see his tough façade crumbling- he stood above her, finally letting himself break down. Instinctively she stood, and embraced him as he cried into her shoulder.

            "You didn't kill her." She murmured quietly, feeling the warm drops slide down her throat. "Jamie, please, don't cry anymore Jamie. Please don't cry." She begged tearfully, her tears blending with his own.

            "I'm sorry." He whispered again, his voice sounding weak. "Can you ever forgive a murderer like me?" Caitie shook her head, hugging him tighter.

            "You're not a murderer." She choked out, suddenly remembering that she herself had called him a murderer a few days before. She felt a rush of guilt at her thoughtless words. "There's no murderer here." Jamie simply continued to sob harder.

            "We were coming to an understanding, you know? Val and I, we were almost friends. After that recycling fiasco… we understood each other, at least. When I told them that I was thinking about quitting the squad- she was the only person, the only one of them all that didn't give me grief for it. All she did was smile, and say 'even if you do quit- that doesn't change things. You're a good guy, Jamie- and a good EMT, and past that tough guy mentality is a person I'd trust with my life.'" He moaned the last line miserably. "Her LIFE!" She'd given him her trust- believed that he'd do everything possible to let her see the light of another day. But he'd fail her- just like he failed at everything else. Val never got to see tomorrow's sunshine- the last thing she saw was him, watching, horrified, as she plunged backwards into the swirling black water. The last thing she saw was his face- Jamie's was the face of her death.

            Caitie had remained silent that day, and the ones following that. She learned to listen, laugh, cry, smile- like clockwork. She absorbed shared memories, dished out advice, wiped tears away with pale fingers. But she needed release. Grief built inside her- in a hard, twisted knot. Secretly, she clung to the wraith that was her best friend- closed her eyes and still saw her serene smile resting on pink lips, heard echoes of her laughter. And every night, without fail, her eyes scanned over a worn poetry pamphlet- dripping tears over the same poems, and burning with quiet rage every time she reached that final page and once again read Val lists of broken promises.

One Year Later…

            "Hey Caitie!" Jamie greeted cheerfully, coming up behind his best friend and draping a casual arm over her shoulder. "Joey and I were thinking, do you wanna come to that Good Charlotte concert in Helmsburg tonight? It's at the really awesome piano bar-"

            "No, I can't go." Caitie answered abruptly, turning and hurrying back down the hallway, away from him. Jamie frowned- she'd been acting increasingly sullen all week- her mood taking a sharp down stroke. Not that she was sarcastic- that's the way she usually was. It was like she was withdrawing- and today she seemed to have hit an absolute low.

            "Hey, Caitie, wait!" he called, pushing past people in the crowded hallway to catch up with her. "Caitie, what's wrong? You've been a serious downer all week!" he asked worriedly as he caught up to her. She walked faster, trying to escape him, and Jamie was surprised to see blue mascara running down her face in a wet line of tears.

            "Just go away." She whimpered, pulling away sharply as he grabbed her shoulder to stop her. She was nearing the gym now- and she could spot Tyler and Hank walking out with their usual line of jocks. *Great, I'm about to be surrounded by the support group from Hell.* She though miserably, as they noticed her tears and moved towards her. She wouldn't exactly call the two overachievers friends- she didn't really know what to call them anymore- not rock heads, not super freaks, not even enemies. They were just filed away in that convenient little cabinet mark "People who know Val"… scratch that… "People who *used* to know Val" But that was beside the point. Right now, the aforementioned people were closing in on her- and at the moment, they were the last people that she needed to see. She couldn't see them today. Monday, maybe, next week, probably, but not today. Not on the anniversary of Val's death.

            Yup. It was *that* day. Exactly one year ago, her best friend had swan dived into a basement full of electrified water- leaving a ripple of broken dreams in her murky wake. Caitie had thought that she was getting better- heck, everyone else was, why not her too? She no longer spent nights sobbing into her pillow over "Cries of Pain". And she even managed to crawl her way over to the Lanier house and spend time with Brooke once or twice. She was all healed, right? *Healed, what a joke.* She thought bitterly, letting more tears seep down her face. The only person who could heal her now was buried under six feet of soil and mahogany wood in the middle of Westfield Cemetery. All through the week she had felt the weight of this day growing on her shoulders, and now it seemed like she was so stooped that she could kiss the tips of her black leather boots.

            Tyler and Hank had arrived at her side now, and they joined Jamie in his line of questioning. "What's wrong?" Tyler asked softly. She stared at him in disbelief. How could he ask that? How could he ask what was wrong *today*?!

            *They've all forgotten.* She realized suddenly, and was hit by a new bout of grief for her fallen friend. Val had died a hero- only to be carelessly overlooked by the squad that had watched her die! She dug her nails into the bed of her palm, hard enough to leave angry red crescent makes on her pale skin. She noticeably tensed.

            "Caitie, did something happen?" Hank asked seriously. Caitie couldn't hold it in anymore- she'd spent a year holding it in, and now she had all the right in the world to snap.

            "Yeah something happened." She began coldly, a dangerous glint in her eyes. "Something happened a year ago today, actually. My best friend took a swim in electrified basement water." Tyler's mouth dropped down to the floor, and he, Jamie and Hank began to babble incoherent sentences. Caitie silence them with a sharp wave of her hand. "Val died today- and no one cares. No one even remembered, except me." She gazed sadly down to the floor. "But I guess that's the way it is in Kingsport, eh? Your golden girl falls- people cry, but that's ok, be cause they'll be more neat stuff to do tomorrow." She ended her sentence with cheerful sarcasm, raising her voice so that everyone in the hallway could hear what she had to say. "She was such an idiot. Thought she was being so *noble*. Good, sweet, righteous Val, selflessly giving her life so that losers like you could live to fight another day. Well you know what? She wasn't noble! She was stupid! Stupid to die for people who would forget about her as soon that wooden casket was shoved into the ground!"

            "Shut up!" Tyler roared. "How dare you talk about her like that! I thought she was your best friend!"

            "And I thought that you loved her." She spat, looking dead into his blue eyes. "Not enough to save her though, huh? Guess you didn't love her enough to wade into that water and fish her out yourself!"

            "Caitie, that's enough!" Hank yelled, steeping up as Tyler crumbled against a locker, defeated. "Val's death was no one's fault. We all wish that we had made different choices on that day- but we know we can't change it. You think we're not going to have to live with this the rest of our lives? We saw her fall- and that's not something I'm going to forget- ever. But life moves on Caitie. That's what Val would have told us to do. We have to hold our heads high, and move on."

            "Yeah, well you can move on- and more importantly, move out of my way." She growled, pushing Hank aside and running out the gym door to the parking lot.

* * *

            Caitie knew that he was following her as soon as she'd rushed out of the study double doors that lead to the parking lot. He wasn't going to stick around and do damage control inside with the others- just wasn't his style. Nope. Jamie Waite was now tearing after her as she swiftly ran towards her mom's old station wagon- and he had just enough time to slide himself in the car before she locked the doors behind him. For a few moments, they sat in heavy silence- Jamie looking tiredly over at his friend, while Caitie stared listlessly out the windshield.

            "I would rather die a meaningful death, than live a meaningless life. That was one of Val's favorite quotes, you know." She began quietly, still staring out at the blue sky though the plated glass window. "Who knew it would be a self fulfilling prophecy?" A silent tear slide down her face as she held back a sob. "Why'd she have to be such a martyr? Huh? Why couldn't she just have been happy to live a semi-meaningless life with me?" Jamie sat silently next to her, unable to say anything. She'd been so good at this when he'd come sobbing to her under the bleachers a year ago- why couldn't he return the favor?

            *Val would have known what to say.* he thought sadly, remembering the blonde's extraordinary talent at comforting people. Instead he just cleared his throat. "Well you know that they say, 'Only the good die young?' Well, Val was definitely of good." He offered, knowing that he sounded supremely lame, but then again not knowing what in the world he could do. Caitie turned to face him, a weak smile on her face.

            "Yeah, that she was." She sniffled, letting more silver droplets pool down her cheek. Jamie gently wiped them away.

            "Caitie, I'm not going to tell you not to cry over what happened- because I know how much Val was to you- but Hank was right. Our lives didn't end along with hers when she fell. Yeah, sure, Val left us here, high and dry." Caitie raised her eyebrows suddenly at his choice of words. "Yeah, yeah, I know, bad pun. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, we have to keep living Caitie- that's what she would have wanted us to do. And she definitely wouldn't have appreciated that fiasco back in the hallway- she liked those guys, remember?" Caitie nodded, feeling pangs of regret for her outburst.

            "How bad was I?" she whimpered. Jamie smirked and pulled her into a tight hug. "Let's just say that it's a good thing Val wasn't here to see that, because she definitely would have killed you." Caitie let out a muffled giggle, which quickly converted into gales of laughter- laughter that she'd been suppressing for an entire year. Leave it to Jamie to make her laugh on today of all days. "And don't be so harsh on Tyler. Losing Val destroyed him- sure he may act like everything's all better but I don't even want to put myself in his position. He loved her for years Caitie, and he had to sit there and watch her die, unable to save her. In fact, he did want to wade back into that water- electrocution be damned. We just wouldn't let him." He let out a long gusty sigh, and Caitie knew that he was resurrecting a lot of old guilt for her benefit. "Caitie, I think it's time you said goodbye to Val." He suggested gently. Caitie shut her eyes, blocking back a fresh torrent of tears.

            "I know."

And I'll take with me the memories

To bring my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye

To yesterday.



            She stared down at the single sheet of paper that rested in her hand, letting the warm tears slide down her cheeks as she read the words she had written on it.

            "Hey there. It's been a while, you know? I know that's mostly my fault- I've been avoiding coming here- avoiding you. I was scared. Scared that coming here, leaving this note, meant that it was finally goodbye. I couldn't take that Val. I didn't want to say goodbye yet. All I wanted to do is bury myself in my pillows and remember how things used to be- it was like I held onto you that way- that by losing myself in the past, I could somehow keep you here with me.

            A whole year has passed since you left Val, things here have been changing, life's been moving on- and it scares me. Every day that goes by I forget something- the memories that I worked so hard to preserve are slipping away. The other day I realized that I'd forgotten the way you used to laugh. I couldn't here you laughing in my head anymore, and I cried. I felt like I lost a part of myself- which is what's happening as I slowly lose you.

            Sure, for a little while, I hated you. Why'd you have go, huh? Were we so unworthy of your presence that God called you back? Away from us mere mortals? Answer me, damn it! What was wrong with white picket fences and pushing baby strollers down the street? You promised me Val- don't you remember? Pinky promise- cross you heart, hope to die? When you said forever, I thought that implied forever- or at least until we were middle aged and complaining about the size of our thighs together. Forever wasn't supposed to be like this Val. It shouldn't have had to be you. Why couldn't they just have left things well enough alone up there? Ask them that for me- ask them, what was wrong with the way things were. Jamie says that "Only the good die young- and you were definitely 'of good'" I don't know if what he says is true- you know, about good people dying young, but he does have a point about you being "of good"- I guess that means I'm living to a ripe old age then, huh?

            Sometimes a day will pass without me thinking about you, and then two- and I'll feel horribly guilty for forgetting you, but at the same time I'm glad. Is that bad Val? For me to feel glad that I'm not thinking about you? The other day Tyler was telling us that he doesn't feel the guilt anymore. He's stopped dreaming about you death, and he doesn't feel as responsible. He's getting better Val. He's gaining back some of the weight he'd lost during the first few months after you died, and he's going out and doing things again. Normal things. Like, football, and going out with his friends to movies. We're living again Val, we've learned to live again.

            Jamie's sitting here next to me now, reading over the words that I'm writing down on this sheet of loose leaf. Tomorrow we're going to drive to your grave, and I'm going to read this to you- and I'm going to say goodbye. It took me a year, but now I think I'm ready. I love you Val, and I'll miss you- I swear that I'll never let myself forget you- not anymore, anyways. There will always be a spot in the back of my mind that's thinking about you, and there will always be a place in my heart for the best friend that will never grow old. I'm keeping your promise for you Val. You said that we'd be together forever- remember? Well, our kids may never grow up side by side, but we still have forever- just wait for me. I'll be along- though it may take awhile. Just remember, we've got forever ahead and waiting for us.

            Love, Caitie"

            Caitie slowly laid the letter on top of the grassy slope of her grave, stepping back to wipe a tear from her eye. "Goodbye." She whimpered, burying her face into her hands and releasing a long, anguished wail. Silently, she felt Jamie slip his arms around her waist and hold her close in a reassuring hug. They stood in silence for a moment, and Jamie didn't speak until her cries had subsided to soft, miserable sobs.

            "She heard you, you know. I'll bet she heard every word you said." He whispered gently, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek. Caitie gave him a fragile smile, and began to lead him away, towards the motorcycle waiting at the gate of the cemetery. "I'll be there in just a minute." She nodded, and he waited till she was just out of earshot to crouch down at the base of the pallid white stone. "I'll take care of her for you Val." he murmured, tracing the engraved letters lightly with his fingers. "I'll keep her safe till you get your forever."

 I thought we'd get to see forever

But forever's gone away

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday...



* * *

A/N: Another angsty piece from me. Not as sad as the first one though- at least, I don't think so. Would you like more of the "Somewhere In Between" series? Write and tell me what you think!