Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Tag: 4x01
Not Giving Up, Never Giving Up
"Are you picturing me naked right now?"
"Maybe…yes."
"Go wash your hands."
"And don't spend too much time in that bathroom." She called out, as he walked away.
She chuckled when she heard the bathroom door close. She couldn't deny that she was flattered at his confession. She could make heads turn when she walked into a room but it always gave her a slight boost of confidence when she realized that she could make his head turn too. She would never admit it to him, because god knows how inflated his ego is already, but she always felt a sense of triumph when she received a compliment or double take from him.
"What are you smiling about?" He asked and she looked up at him in surprise.
She hadn't heard him come out of the bathroom or seen him come up beside her.
Instead of answering she raised an eyebrow. "You were in there for a while."
"Was I?" he said with feign innocence.
There was a playful glint in her eyes as she shook her head slightly. "Food's almost ready, so sit your ass down and pour me some more wine."
She rolled her eyes as he mock saluted her before taking a seat.
As they ate, their conversation flowed easily. They continued with their banter and she felt herself relaxing. Over the years, they've become used to each other's company. They've opened up and let each other see parts of themselves that they would otherwise keep hidden to the rest of the world. She knows the true man who lies underneath his womanizing façade just as well as he knows that real Jessica Pearson, the woman who's not the tough as nails, take no bullshit from anyone lawyer. She can admit, it's nice having someone that she doesn't have to pretend with.
They're almost done their meal when she asked him. "Something you want to share?"
His eyebrows knitted together and she continued. "There's been something on your mind since I got here, spit it out."
She saw his demeanor change into the over confident, smooth ladies' man she knew. "Well Jess, we've already established what I've been thinking. I can't help where my mind wanders off to."
She raised her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side. "Jess?"
"I've called you that before." His said as his gaze focused on now her exposed shoulder.
"I know, it's just you haven't called me that in a while." She hadn't meant for it to come out so open.
He eyes locked onto hers and she was caught off guard by the emotions she found staring back at her. "I'm sorry."
She was right, he hadn't called her Jess in a while, not since Scottie. If he were being honest, they hadn't had their usual playful banter since Scottie arrived from London and when she left, it hadn't been the same. He threw himself back into old habits, back to the ladies' man he had been accused of being and he couldn't seem to fall back into their old rhythm.
They ate the rest of their meal in silence, both lost in their thoughts. "Why are you really here, Jessica?"
"What do you mean?"
"You could've come to see me tomorrow or asked me to meet you at the rooftop where most of these conversations seem to take place but instead, you come here doing this." He make a gesture to the leftover vegetables and used pots littering the counter.
She took a sip of wine, her face unreadable. "I'm not allowed to have dinner with my partner."
He gave her a pointed look. "You're avoiding my question."
She sighed, "Harvey, I…I wanted a change. Besides, that rooftop doesn't hold the best memories anymore."
He cringed as he was reminded of his not so great moments. Even though it's been put behind them, he knew that his betrayal still hurt her. He was still ashamed of ever doing that to her. It was silent and from the glassy, faraway look in her eyes, he could tell that she was thinking back to that time as well.
So, he lightened the mood the best way he knew how. "You said the rooftop doesn't hold the best memories, does that mean you want to make some here? Because rest assured, we can make some very good memories here."
Just like that, the glassy look in her eyes faded and was replaced by a mischievous gleam. She didn't say anything for a moment. Instead, she finished her wine and stood up.
She walked around the table, collecting the dirty dishes with a smirk plastered on her face.
She leaned over him to grab his plate and whispered by his ear. "Trust me Harvey, you have no idea."
She chuckled when he gripped the wine glass tighter and gulped the down the remaining liquid. He could've sworn that she swished her hips a little more than usual as she walked to the sink.
She placed the dishes in the sink and filled it up with water. As she started cleaning, something in the air changed. He felt her tense as he came up behind her to put his glass in the sink.
He reached for a cloth and she heard his husky voice say, "You cooked, it's only fair that I clean."
Nothing gave away that she felt affected by his proximity, it was just him, even though he was the one who initiated it. "It's okay, I've got it."
He leaned in a little closer. "I'm serious, at least let me dry."
She cleared her throat and tried to keep up their usual banter but it came out breathlessly. "Since when have you become a gentlemen?"
"Come on Jess, you know better than that." He said with a chuckle.
"Fine," she huffed out, trying to mask whatever she was feeling with annoyance.
When he pulled away, she almost groaned at the sensation of no longer feeling the warmth that radiated off of him.
They were quiet and just like everything else, they got into a rhythm. She washed, he dried but he could tell that her mind was elsewhere. "Jess,"
She was hesitant. "Yeah?"
"You can have both." He told her, softly.
The only indication that she had heard him was a slight shake of her head. He could tell that she didn't want their conversation from earlier brought up again but she needed to know.
He noticed that she had stopped washing, "Jessica?"
"I've…" she paused, and he tried to ignore the feeling he got when she bit her lip. "Do you know why I took you under my wing?"
Out of everything, he wasn't prepared for that. He didn't have an answer for her but it was just as well because she continued. "I saw something in you, something besides that cocky, arrogant smartass who worked in the mailroom. I took a chance and it paid off."
He sensed that there was more. "But?"
"But I was able to take that chance because there wasn't that much at stake. Making a mistake then wouldn't have been great but it wouldn't have cost me much. I was still climbing the ladder and I'm there now, at the top but I'm also at the edge," she let out a breath. "I'm always on the edge. I've worked too damn hard to get where I am and a mistake now could cost me everything."
"Are we still talking about Jeff?" he asked and she shot him a look. "Jessica, I'm not some guy you've known for a couple of months."
"Exactly," she exclaimed. "Our names are on that goddamn door, we're not first years anymore Harvey. We can't afford to make mistakes. I can't afford to make mistakes."
"And who says that it would be a mistake?" He said softy, his body was now just inches away from hers and she could feel the heat radiating between them.
He leaned into her and she could hear the pleading tone in his voice. "Hear me out, okay? The sacrifices you've made are immense and yes, you've had to work harder than everyone else to get to where you are and I know that there's a lot at stake but when do you get to be happy?"
"Harvey," It was meant as a warning but came out as a plea as his hands slid around her waist.
"Jessica for once, do something that will make you happy." Her hands gripped the edge of the counter and she hoped that he couldn't hear her sharp intake of breath.
"And you think that you're the one that can make me happy?" She tried to joke but it was coated in honesty.
He was so close that she could feel his breath by her ear. "Tell me you don't want this. Not that we can't or shouldn't. Tell me you don't want this and I'll stop."
The hitch in her breath was evident as he murmured into her shoulder. "You're beautiful."
The heat from his breath made her skin prickle and she bit back a moan as an open mouth kiss was placed on her collar bone. He continued to press short kisses up her neck until she spun herself to face him.
They locked eyes and he could tell she was searching for something, for what he didn't know. He'd wanted this for so long - he'd wanted her for so long. He'd wanted her since the moment he worked in the mailroom. When she took him under her wing, when she helped shape him into the person he was today, he's always wanted her. The years had morphed it into a different form of want, of need but his craving for her was still there. It was always there, hidden just below the surface.
As she stared at him, she could see the vein in his neck pulsing. She could see his labored breathing that matched hers. As she stared into his eyes, she could see his desire for her so clearly etched on his face that it made her wonder where he'd hid it for so long.
She broke their gaze and he grasped her chin, tilting it upwards. "You're beautiful,"
The sheer honesty in his voice scared her a little. "Harvey,"
His hand stroked her cheek gently before dropping to the hem of her skirt. For a few moments he stood idly, fiddling with the fabric before he lifted his eyes to hers. His eyes seemed to be asking her everything his voice couldn't. He was asking for permission, for her to finally give in, for her to throw caution into the wind and dive in with him, for him, because of him. He was asking her to give him everything and nothing at the same time. And she wanted to. She wanted to be the one to finally let go. She wanted to be free, be happy, whatever that meant. But was it with him? Could it be with him?
"Jess?" His questioning voice brought her back their reality and just like that the last of her resolve faded away.
She laced her fingers around his neck and pulled him towards her. She kissed him, hard and it only took a moment before he responded. His lips were soft and inviting and a sense of warmth filed her entire body. Passion and desire burned within the kiss. She moaned and he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. His mouth tasted like bitter wine and possibilities. Her tongue grazed the roof of his mouth and a low throaty growl escaped from him as his arms grabbed her ass. She ran her fingers through his hair, the gel had left a while ago, leaving a mess of silky strands in its wake. Their lips unlocked and before she could take a breath, he was sucking on the base of her neck. She withered and he sucked harder. There was sure to be a hickey in the morning but she didn't care. He brought his lips back to hers but not before leaving a trail of open mouth kisses along the length of her neck. When breathing became a necessity, they pulled apart.
She looked everywhere but at him. The reality of what just happened, what they just did seemed to burn in her mind. She struggled to catch her breath. The sound of her heart hammering in her chest and the blood rushing through her ears weren't helping, either. The noises made it almost impossible for her to think. If she would've looked him, she would've noticed his chest was heaving as well but she didn't, she completely avoided the eyes that she knew were on her.
"I'm sorry." His husky voice told her everything she needed to know about his feign attempt at an apology.
Her breathing had evened and her tone left no room for doubt. "No you're not. But I am."
"Jessica," she could hear the confusion in his voice as he moved closer to her.
She shook her head, slowly backing away from him. "When I said it was a mistake, I meant it. Harvey, we can't do this."
There was an almost desperate tone in his voice. "Jessica."
"No Harvey." She said firmly, as if trying to believe herself.
"So you're going to try and deny feeling something!" The sting in his voice clearly evident.
Unable to look at him, she squeezed her eyes shut. "Harvey, please."
The silence scared her and if she were being honest, in this moment, he scared her. He was her overconfident, loyal, arrogant mentee, her friend, her partner. At this point, she didn't know what to call him or what he was to her or what she was to him and that kind of terrified her. There was one thing that she was sure of, she wasn't going to risk what they had or didn't have for something as trivial as a night in the sheets. She couldn't bring herself to call it, or think of it as anything else.
She shook her head. "It was one thing with Jeff but I can't do this with you, not you."
"Why not?" His voice was soft, almost defeated.
She opened her eyes only to find his staring back at her. She almost had to look away. The honest, tired eyes staring at her were almost too much. But she was sure hers were projecting the same emotions.
She sighed, "Because when this goes bad, and it will. I can't lose both my partner and my friend at once."
"What if I wasn't your partner? What if I was just someone you've known for years? What then?"
She squinted her eyes in confusion. "But you're not."
"What then?" He repeated, not backing down.
She ran her fingers through her hair. "I don't know."
"Yes you do." A hint of a smile played on his lips.
"Why ask if already know the answer?" She shot back, frustrated.
"Jess please," his weary voice cracked.
She took a deep breath and swallowed, hard. "Then yes Harvey I would. But you're not just my partner and you're not just my friend. I've seen what having both does. You know what having both does. And I can't do it."
He didn't say anything just fiddled with his loose tie.
She stood her ground. "Harvey, if you can't accept that-"
"I can." He interrupted, "I don't like it, I don't want it but I understand."
"I should go," She said after a while.
Awkward silence filled the air and for a moment, she wondered if this was what it was going to be like from now on. She put on her heels and walked a couple of steps before he gripped her arm.
She saw the emotions flicker across his face, too many and too fast for her to decipher. "Jessica, I'm not good at all of this emotional shit and I haven't exactly had the best track record with women. But I'm…you're important to me. You have always been important to me. So I may want more but I won't push you."
In that moment, he wasn't the confident, cocky, best damn closer in New York. In that moment, she saw the remnants of the young, ambitious, uncertain man from the mailroom. She wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. She knew that opening up was a rare occurrence for him. And it was exceedingly rare for her to witness it.
Without thinking, her lips met his in a barely there kiss. Unlike earlier, the kiss was short but nevertheless, it conveyed everything she couldn't seem to bring herself to say. She pulled back before he had time to respond.
Her voice was barely above a whisper. "You're important to me too."
Before she had time to change her mind, she turned and walked away from him. He didn't stop her this time and she was grateful. She couldn't figure out all of her emotions, she knew that things were going to be different from now on, and oddly enough, she was okay with that. If there was one thing she knew about Harvey was that once he set his eyes on something, once he wanted something, he wouldn't stop until he got it. He wasn't going to give up on her, on them. He would do what he said, he wouldn't push much, at least not on purpose. After all, it was Harvey and he always found a way to push her boundaries. But he was smart, and persistent and wouldn't back down for too long. And maybe that was just what she needed.
AN One sleepless night and 3000 words later. I wasn't expecting to write this because I'm a diehard Darvey fan but I do think that Jessica and Harvey have crazy chemistry and there aren't enough Jarvey fics. Thanks for reading, reviews a appreciated. :)