Disclaimer: I do not own any of this, except for Bearbiter (and we all know what they say about dwarves) and possibly crunchy frogs. Severe kudos to Tolkein and Pratchett. I'm not making any money out of this either.
The Lord of the Disc, erm Rings.
Chapter 1. - An Introduction of Sorts.
Frodo sat under a tree, watching the road for a wizard.
Tonight was the big party and no wizard had arrived to supply fireworks. He wasn't worried, though, one always arrived just in time. He strained his eyes to see a skinny wizard (He could tell from the hat) wearing could-be-called-red robes and a frayed hat. The sunlight glinted off the hat peculiarly. Frodo suspected sequins. After all, wizards were known for their love of shiny things.
The wizard appeared to be running away from a cloud of dust. As he gradually drew nearer the cloud of dust revealed itself to be a covered cart driven by a dwarf. Upon further scrutiny, a wooden trunk with many legs could be seen chasing the dwarf fervently.
Frodo marvelled silently at the ways of wizards for a moment before returning to his book titled "One hundred and one things to do with chocolate and toads."
- - -
Rincewind couldn't remember why the dwarf was chasing him.
He had run for seven days straight stopping occasionally to rest or turn over a rock to find jam sandwiches. He'd been living only on sandwiches for quite some time now. While told that they were a great delicacy in some parts, Rincewind was well and truly sick of them. Usually the jam varied according to geographical location, but lately the sandwiches had all had apple and raspberry jam fillings. It had already been his least favourite jam, and now Rincewind considered himself lucky if he never saw a single apple or apple flavoured foodstuff or bubblebath again.
There was what could only be described as an almighty whallop. Or perhaps more of a WHALLOP. But that's quite beside the point. The resultant shockwaves spread from the palms of Rincewind's hands, down his outstretched arms and from there to the rest of his body. Rincewind had run into a tree. The road had taken an unexpected turn and a tree had positioned itself between Rincewind and his destination while Rincewind's mind was on other matters.
He looked up to see an awfully short creature laughing at him.
- - -
"What are you laughing at and what kind of creature are you?" asked the flustered wizard. Frodo grinned both inwardly and outly to himself. Yes, they were sequins, arranged to spell the word "Wizzard".
Frodo recovered from his laughter enough to say, "You ran into a tree. Wouldn't you laugh if I ran into a tree?"
"If you ran into a tree it would be a good excuse for me to run away. Besides, you didn't answer my question." The "wizzard", Frodo snorted at this thought, reached a hand onto his head apparently making sure that his hat was still there. Frodo noted the sigh of relief.
"I'm a hobbit," Frodo said, "a halfling." he added, noticing the confused look on the wizard's face.
"I'm Rincewind, a failed wizard. But, I am very good at running away, and finding jam sandwiches in the wilderness."
"I'm Frodo. There's a big party tonight and we need a wizard to supply the fireworks. Do you have any spare?"
"Nope, sorry."
- - -
Bearbiter the dwarf could see the so-called wizard talking to a beardless dwarf-child. The wizard was probably preparing to attempt to chew the small dwarf's arm off now, like he had attempted a few days earlier on Bearbiter himself.
Bearbiter couldn't stand it. He would make this wizard so inebriated that all it would be able to eat for the next six months would be jam sandwiches. Either that or impale that wizard on the blade of Bearbiter's axe(1).
Bearbiter slowed down to a halt behind the other two.
Luckily for Rincewind, Bearbiter had heard Frodo mention fireworks. The thought of possible monetary gain had caused the dwarf to forget about vengeance momentarily. You see, in his own words Bearbiter was a 'purveyor of the finest quality firecrackers'(2).
"You're in luck my dear… creature, for I just happen to be a purveyor of the finest quality firecrackers."
- - -
The Luggage was mildly upset. That is, assuming that wooden trunks with legs can be upset. While the Luggage has been known to show signs of happiness amongst other emotions, there has been no quantitative scientific evidence gathered that can prove that magically animated objects are capable of thought and emotion. Less reliable, but still valid, evidence has been put forward by philosophers who have debated the issue back and forth themselves. Arguments for the anegative include that items which have been magically animated tend to take on the characteristics of their creator and so the emotion-like qualities of the item are merely cheap imitations of real emotions, not requiring thought at all. Arguments for the affirmative, however, note that the display of emotion-like qualities appears in objects over time and must therefore be learnt, requiring thought. It is generally agreed that these philosophers have far too much pipeweed and spare time on their hands.
For the purpose of this story we will assume that the Luggage thinks and feels, whether it be because of its inherent desire to learn, characteristics related to those of its creator or the phases of the moon. After all, continually switching between multiple viewpoints becomes rather dull if the story is occasionally told from the viewpoint of a dinner fork(3) or other inanimate and therefore unthinking object.
The luggage was very tired and quite peckish. And since its fibres(4) were reminding it that the dwarf was responsible for these travesties, its resultant anger was aimed at the aforementioned dwarf. Not to mention that Bearbiter the dwarf was threatening the "wizard" whom the Luggage had grown rather fond and protective of.
It snuck, as quietly as anything with that many legs could sneak, until it was behind Bearbiter the dwarf. The Luggage opened its lid wide and pounced. Soon, all that could be seen of the dwarf after the Luggage's attack were two feet that poked through the gap between the Luggage's trunk and lid. A split second later, the feet joined the rest of the dwarf.
If the philosophers who vouched for the negative were correct, one is led to wonder about the density of cannibalism on the disc. Especially amongst wizards.
- - -
Rincewind grinned. Old Luggy had bailed him out of trouble once again. He ceased his grinning when he noticed the stunned look on Frodo's face.
"You look like I usually do, what's wrong?"
"Why. Does. It. Eat. People." Rincewind supposed that Frodo was doing his best to contain an "Augh!!!" Since Rincewind was well-versed in the dangers of this containing of "Augh!!!", he decided to be gentle on the poor hobbit.
"That's my Luggage, it seems to like me for some reason."
"It eats people."
"Only occasionally. Besides, that dwarf looked like he was just about ready for a spot of cannibalism, anyway."
"It eats people." Frodo seemed to be trying to get that thought out of his head. Well he's definitely going about that the wrong way, Rincewind thought.
"You don't have to bury the bodies."
"It eats people." Rincewind noted that Frodo's face had turned the colour of sour milk.
"You've already said that, thrice."(5)
"It's a menace!"
"That does my laundry."
"You can't argue with that." Rincewind blinked, surely these hobbits were strange creatures.
Rincewind gestured towards the cart, "You've got your fireworks."
"You'd better come anyway, Uncle Bilbo would be upset without a wizard there." The "wizzard" was taken aback, he'd never been invited anywhere before.
"Will there be something other than jam sandwiches?"
- - -
(1) A feat considered impossible by many. Dwarves are rather skilled with their weapons.
(2) And with their language skills too, evidently.
(3) EDITORS' NOTE: After much research it appears that dinner forks do indeed have thoughts and feelings, as do other inanimate objects. Sincerest apologies to fork enthusiasts and the like.
(4) Again, we assume that this is where the neurological centre of the Luggage's being resides.
(5) Twice, actually.
- - -
The obligatory lengthy author's note(s). Hopefully there won't be too many more of these.
-On obeying canon: I promise I'll get around to re-reading Colour of Magic and Last Continent again (So I can reacquaint myself with Rincewind's character), and watching LOTR (Too lazy to read the books again, so nah). But until then you're stuck with this.
-On annotations: (#) in text corresponds to the (#) on the bottom of the page. Simple.
-On universes: I shall be following a hybrid between the Disc and Middle Earth. For example, the Shire is pretty much as it is according to Tolkein but Rivendell will have a bit of a spin.
-In other news: I originally posted the first four chapters of this as something else a few years ago. But upon reading it I decided it was kinda childish and typical-14-year-old-who's-had-far-too-much-sugar, you know the sort. This chapter is about three times longer than the original first chapter.
Review, please? Even if it's just half a sentence in chatspeak. Any acknowledgement of my existence as an intrepid (Not the right word, I know. Just wanted to use it in a sentence.) fanfiction writer is appreciated.