THE FINAL GOODBYE
A Merlin Fanfiction
Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.
~"Because you're my friend, and I don't want to lose you."~
Thank you.
Those were the last words he said to me as I held him, begging him not to die. I couldn't cry even if I wanted to, not yet, because I had faith that he's going to live. We're going to make it to Avalon, I kept repeating to myself. But it didn't happen.
I still remember his words, everything he said to me. They all seem so alive, felt like it just happened. I can still hear him speaking in my mind.
He's my friend, and I couldn't forget him. Not even if I wanted to.
"Just, just hold me. Please. There's something I want to say."
"You're not going to say goodbye."
"No, Merlin. Everything you've done, I know now. For me, for Camelot. For the kingdom you helped me build."
He was dying, and still kept his cockiness. I couldn't find it in me to believe that he's really going to die. He's Arthur. He's always been so full of himself.
"You'd have done it without me."
"Maybe." He said, and I had no choice but to listen to the sound of his weakening voice. It was painful that the weak smile took so much of his strength and there's nothing I can do to stop it from draining him."I want to say something I've never said to you before."
He looked at me. My friend looked at me. And I was reminded of the first time we met, of all the adventures we had, of everything we've faced together.
"Thank you."
He patted my head like he always did when I'm feeling upset, or sometimes just as a gesture. And then he left.
Arthur once told me, "Something I always tell all my knights. No man is worth your tears."
Maybe.
I used to wonder. Had he not been the prince, had I not been born with my magic, would our paths have crossed? Had he been someone else and not a Pendragon, and I not the son of Balinor, would we have even met? Would we have become friends? But then he was always meant to be a prat, a royal one. It's in his blood. It's who he is, and there's no king who lived who could have been better than him. Not for me. Not for Camelot. He is and will always be Camelot's greatest king.
I always called him a prat, because he was one. But for all his many faults, he was a good king, a good friend and I've never met anyone more courageous and noble than him.
He may have lived in comfort, lived all his life in the palace, been trained to be a ruler. There were always people who judged him of becoming like Uther. They used to believe he's going be just like him, cruel and devoured by hatred of magic. But never once did I believe them. Not after I have seen how good his heart is. And he proved me right by believing a mere servant boy for his words. I've never once proven him anything before, but I told him, forced him to believe me for the first time, and he did. And for the first time I felt that maybe Kilgharrah was right, our destinies are intertwined. We are two sides of the same coin.
I always loved who I was. I had magic. It made me feel like I'm special. And I thought that's all there was to it. It felt wrong, so wrong that I couldn't use it out there for people to see. Because if I did then I'll be dead under the hands of Uther, and maybe it's Arthur who'll take me to him.
"Why did you never tell me?"
"I wanted to, but..."
"What?"
"You'd have chopped my head off." A poorly woven lie. I used to believe that. I used to think that he's going to kill me and hand me over to Uther. But only for the first few days I've known him. He's Arthur. He may be a prat, but he's a good prat. I knew he'd never do anything to actually hurt me, not even if I'm a sorcerer. He always claimed he was a royal, and thought countless times that he should be strict and firm and merciless like his father. But he never was. He never was like Uther. He was kind. He was a good man, a good prince, a good King.
"I'm not sure what I'd have done."
"And I didn't want to put you in that position."
"That's what worried you?"he told me in disbelief. It was phrased like a question but felt like a statement. I knew that he knew. I knew that then he already understood. But I still felt like I had to tell him. I owe it to him. For everything we've been through. For all that he isto me and I to him. He isn't just my King. He's my friend, my best friend.
"Some men are born to plow fields, some live to be great physicians, others to be great kings. Me, I was born to serve you Arthur. And I'm proud of that. And I wouldn't change a thing."
From the moment I realized thatI had a role to play in life, a great destiny to fulfill, I've convinced myself I'll do anything to make it happen. Fighting alongside Arthur, becoming his friend, I realized that there's no other man I'll be willing to live this destiny for. I thought I'll die protecting him, making sure he lives to become the man he was always meant to become, a great man. And he was. But I failed to save him in the end.
Kilgharrah always said, "No man, however great, can know his destiny." I know now he's right.
And for a long time, until now, it pained me that the great destiny had to end with my friend dying in my arms and me unable to do anything but watch him die. What was the point of magic? Didn't I vow I'll do anything to protect him?
He wasn't supposed to die. I was supposed to protect him.
But he was Arthur and he never did, not even once held me responsible for everything that happened to him.
Sometimes the thought that he might makes me feel better, just because I deserve some blame. But I knew it wouldn't happen. Because he's always a man to take all the blame, all the responsibilities. And I knew that if I told him before about my destiny to protect him, he wouldn't have let me. He'd not want someone else doing the sacrificing for him. He was a prat, always believed he was the hero and was meant to rescue other people.
People who have read and will read our history might think that he was a prat. And for that I wouldn't blame any of you. But I hope you never once think that he was ignorant and took any help he's gotten for granted, because he didn't. He was ignorant because I wanted him to, because even the hero needed some saving without them knowing that they're being saved. And he was a good friend, and I'll die a million times just to see him fulfill his destiny. There were times he overdid his authority, but never was there a time that he didn't realize his wrong doing and not make up for it. And please don't think that I am the hero in the story, because if our roles had beed reversed, and I was the one born with royal blood and he with magic, it will still be the same story. Because he is Arthur and I am Merlin. We were and always will be two sides of the same coin.
Because of him I realized the hardest part of being a friend. It is having to live everyday having to wait, because they're dead. It's missing everybit of every moment you've spent with them. And in this regard, Arthur sure left me a plentiful moments.
Today I live. And I'm waiting. I wait because he's my friend and I know that if our situations had been reversed, there's no need for words or any other proof to know that he'll do the same for me. Though he'll probably act a little bit more impatient than I do. He's Arthur after all.
And now you're probably wondering why I'm writing all these. I am an old man. Lived many years and acquired knowledge enough for a lifetime. I write this because I feel like I'm going to meet him soon. And I write this because I want to be reminded of what it means to have a friend, a friend who even if he's gone, will always and forever be a friend. And that's why I write.
And if you get to see Arthur before I do, do me a favor, will you?
Tell him. Tell him he's a prat.
Yours truly,
Merlin
As usual, I write because I am inspired. Now, now, HP readers, don't hate me for writing this and not updating IN BEHALF OF A HERO. I will, Godwilling, when I'm inspired to write it, when the feeling overwhelms me liked it just did when I wrote this one.
And to you who is new to my works, thank you for giving me and my story a chance to be part of your life. God bless and I hope you have a great day!
-Hayella :)
(ZC)