I reached across my dresser for a hairbrush to try to tame my massive clown hair, jeez humidity sucks! Christian breezes in behind me, his hair neatly arranged. Not even a lock out of place, yet I have a bouffant that could make me a sixth member of the Jackson 5! Well, not really, I can't sing a note, something that has been pointed out to me on more than one occasion. Putting the brush back down, (who did I think I was kidding with that? I need a freaking hedge trimmer!) I give in and plod back over to the shower. I hear Christian giggle and whip my head around to give him the evil eye, and to cause an almighty draft, he looks almost chastised, but I can see him biting his lip to stop more guffaws falling from them. He quickly backs out the bathroom, leaving me to my own devices. He knows when I'm not to be pissed off!
I fold myself over the side of the bath and drench my head in, unfortunately for me, ice cold water. I let out an almighty scream.
"Baby? You okay? Is it...?"
"I'm absolutely fine! I just hit the wrong tap..." He hands me a towel and helps me to my feet.
"I coulda helped you, you know?" Why does he always feel the need to assist me? Shit I'm a twenty three yer old woman!
"Yes. I know, maybe I wanted to do it myself. You know there is this concept, it's called independence, you might wanna google it!" He rolls his eyes. If I'd done that I'd be being led off for a good hard spanking... Mmmmm.
"Fine. Just remember what mom..." He had to open his trap, didn't he?
"Yes I remember simple instructions! I'm not a freaking idiot!" I do an exaggerated eye roll and move back to my dresser picking up my useless brush again.
"Okay okay, I'm backing away, put down the brush..." Seriously? He thinks I'm going to maim him with a "welcome to paradise" holiday hairbrush?
"It's for my hair!" I say it slowly, just in case he misconstrues what I'm saying.
"Um, yeah." He rakes his hand through his perfect hair. I feel jealousy coil in my stomach and quickly try to quell it. "If you need any help baby, I'm in the kitchen. Just shout"
"Yeah. Whatever." He scurries off with his damned perfect hair.
I drag the awful plastic brush through my wet hair, it does a slightly better job, not by much, but enough that I can scrape it back into a ponytail, if I could be bothered I'd braid it, but I don't want to go sending hubby dearest mixed signals, so it hangs dripping down my back, just waiting for the opportunity to turn into a ball of frizz. I remove the robe I had been wearing and lay it across the bed. There's something so relaxing about striding about a bedroom naked, especially when you know the minute you dress your going to turn into a dripping pile of sweat. I revel in the coolness of the room. I flop back onto the now made bed, star fishing myself. I could lay here forever! Ahh the peace, the quiet, hang on, did Christian say he'd be in the kitchen? MY kitchen? I try to sit myself back up, but no, my huge body is in the way. I try to roll onto my side but nope, can't manage that either. Anyone who spews about the wonders of pregnancy obviously has never been pregnant, either that or they weren't the size of me, with my sweat issues, my kankles, my fingers that look like a bunch of bananas. This baby and my body do not get on! Right. Don't panic, your not stuck Ana, just not giving it your all! Come on, one, two, three... Heave... Fuck! If I lay here long enough, Christian will come find me, won't he? Shouting can't hurt.
"Christian?" I wait, nothing! Take two, must try harder!
"CHRISTIAN?" Nope, nothing. Where is he? Like you should go off and leave your wife star fished on a bed alone five days after her due date!
"CHRISTIAAAAAAAAAAN?" Oh shit, I heard a pop. Like a balloon, like, OH MY GOD! The baby! It's coming!
"CHRIIIIIIIISSSSSSSTTTTTTTIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN" That's an affirmative on the contractions starting! Where the hell is he? I need drugs! Lots of drugs, and a hospital, and a fucking doctor! Breathe Ana, breathe. I need to get off this bed! It's soaked with ewwwwwww, vagina water... OMG did the baby poop in that? Ewwwww! I do a rolling dismount from the bed, thoroughly disgusted by the whole vagina/baby water thing. Oh holy mother of god! I think this kid thinks it's got a part in Alien because it feels like it's trying to rip it's way out my stomach.
"No baby, follow the light" is there a light? Should I shine a torch up between my legs to guide my child to freedom? OMG, please tell me I didn't just think that, or say it... I blame the hormones! ShitinfuckinshitinOUCH! Okay so irregular contractions. That's good. No immediate danger of blip landing on the floor or having it's own bungee lesson from the womb. Must find husband.
I crawl to the bedroom door, I'm not sure why but my body prefers it so I'm going with whatever is less painful! I crawl into the hall stopping to pant every few movements, trailing a stream of vagina water behind me.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH" not regular, but a lot more painful very quickly! Where is Christian? Kitchen... He said kitchen, I crawl to the door of said room, but collapse into a heap. This labor plus crawling doesn't half take it out of you! I knock the door with my hand crying Christians name. I swear the contractions are now like waves, when one is ebbing away the next one is already crashing over me. I need to open the door. I lean up, pressing my body to the cool white wood I grip the handle as another contraction hits me. I pull with all my strength and the door swings open, sending me sprawling across the beautiful white marble tiled floor.
"Baby's coming!" I pant, seeing him. He rushes over and scoops me off the floor. I know why he couldn't hear me as I hear Mozart playing in the background. "Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh"
"It's okay baby, breathe through it, remember from the classes" he starts doing the frankly ridiculous breathing thing and the only thing I want to do is hit him. I grab him by the tie and pull him close to me
"Get me drugs, get me them right fucking now or I swear to god Christian Grey, I will rip that fucking enormous penis from your body!" I grab and squeeze his crotch just to give him an idea of how much pain I'm in.
"I'll call mom" he goes to run off.
"A hospital may be a better idea Christian! I don't want a home birth" I grit my teeth as I contract again.
"Of course baby."
I hear him dial someone, talking about two minute intervals and five minutes, next thing I know he's peering between my legs.
"What the FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCK are you doing?"
"I can see the top of the head baby. I can see a crop of brown hair...it's our baby..." I look up at him, he's smiling? I grope around down there, and in amongst all the goo, slime and vagina water I feel hair. It's not mine. OMG. I'm having the baby, I'm having the baby here, now. On my fucking kitchen floor! Christian must see the panic in my eyes.
"It's okay baby, mom is on her way. Taylor and Mrs Jones are getting blankets and hot water and towels and fuck, I don't know what else but it'll be..."
"I NEED TO PUSH!"
"Oh shit!" The urge to push is like nothing I've ever felt before, your body starts the movement and you just continue it.
"You, you arrogant bastard with your perfect fucking hair! What did you do to me? FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKK! This thing is the spawn of satin! It's trying to kill me!" I start to thrash about.I swear it feels like my poor little vagina is on fire! I swear I see Taylor throw something in the door and make a run for it.
"Ana honey, my mom is on her way. She'll be here soon. Okay?" I grab his collar, he's cleverly pulled off his tie, bastard!
"And what if soon isn't quick enough? Because I swear this baby is about to rocket out of me! It's your fault. You and your fucking super sperm! I was a fucking VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN before I met YOU!" I hiss at him. I swear if I could kick him in the bollocks right now I would! I notice Gail sitting by my head with a small basin. She starts dabbing me down with cool water. I don't think I've ever loved that woman so much in my life!
I push my way through the next couple of contractions shouting insults and hurling abuse at my husband. To give him some credit he doesn't argue with me once!
"Get your mother on that fucking phone. If I can't get a hospital I at least want to hear a doctors voice!" He grabs his phone from the counter and dials. Gail holds my hand and keeps cooling me with the water. I turn and mouth thank you, she nods.
"Okay baby, I've got my mom on loudspeaker."
"Grace? Can you hear me?"
"Yes Ana, it sounds like your doing great. Keep going I'll be there before you know it." I wish I had her confidence.
"I'm scared Grace" Christian takes my other hand and he dabs my forehead with the damp flannel, before returning it to Gail.
"I know sweetie, but your doing fabulously well."
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH" Christian braces himself as if I'm about to punt a football at him.
"BREATHE ANA!" I hear in chorus.
"Shit, Mom, the head is out!" Gail strokes my hair.
"Well done Ana!" I hear Graces voice echo from the phone. "You need to pant for me sweetheart, don't push, okay? It's really important."
"I'll TTTTTTTRRRRRRYYYYYY"
"Pant baby, pant!"
"Christian, you need to ease the baby's shoulders out. I'm just coming up the driveway. Turn baby to face Ana's thigh and ease the top shoulder out, then..." The phone went dead. Okay Ana breathe don't panic, she was on the drive, she must be nearly here.
"Mom? Mom?" Christian shouts at his disconnected phone.
"Christian? Ana?" I breathe a little easier.
"Kitchen!"
God only knows what she's thinking when she walks in to find her daughter in law spread eagled naked on the kitchen floor with her son peering at my vagina while the housekeeper is running a cool washcloth over my upper body! I couldn't give a shit however! I just want it out! I'm so tired.
"Okay, my sweet girl! I've got you now. Step back son. Okay Ana, I've got baby's shoulders out so on the next push, baby will be born." One more push... I'm so tired.
"Tired, so tired..."
"One last push baby, then blip is here." Christian pleads with me.
"One push, tired." I groggily agree.
"Anastasia Grey!" Grace shouts, commanding my attention, causing my consciousness level to rise "You're starting to contract, give me that push, as big, long and hard as you can." I brace myself and push through the fatigue, pushing as if my life depends on it, in a way it does.
I hear the piercing sound of wailing and realise that I'm a Mommy. Me! I'm a mommy! Christians a Daddy!
"Here you go Mommy, it's a boy"
"Hello Teddy. My beautiful boy Theodore Raymond Grey." I look up at my husband "Christian, I'm a Mommy." I bend and kiss my son (my son!), on his tiny wrinkled brow.
"Yes." The tears are shining in his eyes.
"Your a Daddy." He leans over and presses a kiss to our sons head.
"Yes." One bursts over the edge and runs down his handsome face.
"Do you want to hold your son?"
"More than I want to take my next breath." I place our tiny bundle in his arms. "He's perfect. He's everything, he's greater than the moon, the stars and the whole damned universe put together."
"Yeah, he is. My tiny Teddy bear."
"What if I fuck this up Ana? What if I fuck him up?" He places our son back into my arms.
"You won't. You know how I know this?"
"No."
"Because I'm here too. We are doing this together." I place a kiss on his cheek, kissing away his spilling tears.
"I love you baby, I didn't think I could love you anymore than I do, but you proved me wrong." We hold Teddy between us, looking from him to each other.
"I love you too. Oh and the stuff I said, I didn't mean it..." He pressed his finger to my lips.
"I know." We both stare down at our tiny bundle, then up to each other contemplating what life will bring now. I hold my baby, wrapped in blankets as everyone in the house comes to meet him. My beautiful boy. One thing I'm sure of is that life in our house has just got a lot more interesting.