Their Happiness Comes Before Yours
My first memory is of Edward Cullen and I dare to guess so will be my last. The closest of friends since preschool we have been and nothing will ever change that.
Throughout our childhood and on into adulthood Edward has been the one to take care of me. Whenever I needed him he has always been there for whatever I needed him for. This is something I could always count on or so I thought.
It isn't Edward's fault, these things just happen sometimes. Childhood friendships between a boy and a girl end one of two ways; the boy and the girl either end up getting married or one of them will marry someone else. Unfortunately the latter scenario is what happened to Edward and me.
We are still friends but since he met Jessica it has never been the same.
He no longer puts me first which I don't hold against him, well not that much anyway. It is hard to go from first choice to runner up all in a matter of weeks.
From the moment Edward met Jessica junior year of college he was in love with her. Edward was completely enamored by her and nothing could take his eyes off of her.
I can't say that I blame him Jessica is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Her light brown hair lies in soft ringlets around her perfect face. She has blue eyes that seem to transcend all time and space shining bright behind long eyelashes that dance when she smiles. A body that would make anyone cry; a perfect hourglass figure with just the right amount of firmness where it needs to be firm and softness where it needs to be soft. Yes, Jessica Stanley is a perfect specimen and I could have never competed with her.
I never even tried to compete with her. I knew there was no point anyway. She cast a spell on Edward that the most gifted sorcerer in the entire world could not find a cure for. I have always loved Edward and always wanted more but from the day he met Jessica I knew it would never happen.
They married right after college graduation and now six years later they still are as happy as the day they met.
Their perfect two story home situated on a perfectly manicured lawn in the most desirable family orientated suburb of Seattle is filled with the laughter and cries of their two small children. Elena who is three and Colin who is eleven months are the spitting image of their beautiful mother. Elena with her light brown hair flowing down her back in ringlets and her crystal blue eyes shining bright is the apple of her father's eye. Colin has little hair but what he does have is the exact same color as Jessica and Elena's and his blue eyes show ever brighter than theirs on his little round chubby face.
They are a beautiful family and Edward adores them all so much. They couldn't look better in a photo even if an artist dreamed them up and painted them as angels. I know it is wrong but I am so envious of them all.
I try so hard not to feel the way I do but sometimes I can't help but let my demon voice through when I think how it should be me with my children in those photos sitting on his desk at work.
Yes, Edward and Jessica have the perfect life and I get to sit on the sideline watching from the outside as the one I love most in this world shows others the affection he once showed me.
It has been increasingly harder the past three weeks. I didn't realize it could be harder but having it right in front of me is much worse than when I could pretend it didn't exist. I use to could leave them and when I was gone my mind would create a fantasy world where it was Edward and I who were married and living happily ever after. But now that I am living in the same house with them it is almost impossible to ignore. I can't even make my fantasies come to life anymore.
When Edward called me three months ago to tell me that Jessica was pregnant again I could barely hide the despair lacing my words of congratulations. It felt like the final nail in my coffin. Every child, every happy moment, every new circumstance linking Jessica and Edward together even more was one more thing pulling him away from me.
I was at the end of my rope and seriously considering moving away from Seattle. I had even sent resumes to Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York thinking that maybe distance would ease my heartache. Then it all was put to a halt and I knew I could never leave Seattle or Edward's side.
I will never forget the sound of desperation and pain in his voice. It haunts me.
Four weeks ago Edward called me to ask me the biggest favor he has ever asked of me. I can still hear the tremble in his voice as he tried to get the words out without breaking down and crying on the phone. Terror ran through my body not knowing what was wrong with him and thinking horrible thoughts of the reasons he could be in so much pain.
I hate myself for even being this way but when I first heard his voice and him saying he needed to tell me something for a millisecond I felt a rush of relief wash over me. I just knew he was calling to tell me he was leaving Jessica and now the thought of me feeling relief with him in so much pain makes me sick.
After a few moments he finally was able to choke out the words; telling me Jessica had been to her monthly doctor's appointment and received bad news. Immediately I started to think she had lost the baby and my heart ached for Edward at the thought. I knew how excited he was about this new baby. He loves all his children so much and the guilt shot through me at having been anything other than distraught over his sadness.
But nothing could have prepared me for the remainder of our conversation. Jessica, thankfully, had not lost the baby but was on the verge. She had to go on immediate bed rest and be very careful. Due to her being on bed rest naturally she had to take a leave of absence from her job. All of this made perfect sense to me but I couldn't help but feel Edward was leading up to something.
Then he dropped the bomb on me and my world exploded with the impact of it all. Without Jessica's salary they could not afford their home or the kid's school tuition. He told me they would lose everything and he was afraid the stress that would provide would definitely make Jessica have a miscarriage. My heart began to break as I thought of Edward having to leave his perfect suburban life that he loved so much to move his family to a less desirable area of town. I imagined his suffering as this new life would surely make Jessica lose the baby and leave him feeling like he was to blame. I knew he would blame his self for it all and would never recover from it. Edward would no longer be the man that I loved but a broken shell of the man that once was. I felt weak with dread.
I would have done anything in that moment to ease his pain but I was not prepared for what he said next. Edward, my best friend in the whole world who I would do anything for, just asked something of me so huge I wasn't even sure I could say yes. In fact my first reaction when he asked if I would move in with him, Jessica, and the kids to help out was to tell him hell no. I mean how he could ask me to give up my life, my apartment that I loved, my friends in the city, my whole life to move out to the suburbs and help him pay his bills and manage his kids and household while his wife whom he chose over me was on bed rest.
It all seemed so unfair. I knew he needed me but could I actually give up everything to spend my days watching him live a life I would never be a part of. Could I handle watching him play the doting husband and father? It would be like ripping my heart out of my chest, setting it on a plate, and watching someone slice it into pieces right in front of my eyes.
I replied I would need to think about it and hung up the phone. It took me all of about ten minutes to convince myself I had no choice. I had to help Edward. I waited till the following morning to call and give him my answer but I spent the whole night knowing what I had to do.
Edward was ecstatic. I could hear the relief in his voice as I told him of course I would come help him. How could he even think I may not?
I took the following week to pack up my belongings and furniture moving them into a storage unit and packing a suitcase to take to the suburbs. I broke the lease on my apartment and upon leaving had to give up my security deposit and pay the remaining three months left on the lease in full.
It was a Saturday morning when I stuffed three suit cases, two oversized bags, and eleven purses into the trunk of my car and drove for the outskirts of town fifty-four hundred dollars poorer.
The situation was almost impossible. I wasn't sure I would be able to make it through but I am still her. The last three weeks have been a real challenge. I have never played this role before and it is harder than it looks.
Commuting an hour each way to the office in rush hour traffic is tedious and annoying. Then getting home and instead of unwinding with a glass of wine the real work begins. Playing mom, cooking dinner, washing dishes, folding laundry, bathing children, feeding children, changing diapers, vacuuming carpets, mopping floors, and all the other chores a wife and mother has.
Not only is this job daunting but I have to do it while trying not to cry or scream every time Edward shows Jessica affection.
He is the most amazing husband I have ever seen. Edward Cullen is better than any man in any movie you have ever watched. The care and attention he gives her takes my breath away and also leaves me heartbroken.
I hurt all the time. The worst pain in the world; like nothing I have ever felt before. When you watch the man you love show someone else what you desire him to show you more than anything else in the world the hurt is so intense it consumes you.
I know for Edward's sake I must be strong and hide the way I fell deep inside. I can never let the pain surface so every day is a constant struggle to remain calm around him.
Edward is always asking me what's wrong and looking at me with concern. I know that no matter how hard I work at hiding the pain my eyes must give me away. They say your eyes are the gateway to your soul and I have found this is one hundred percent true. No matter how good you are at hiding your feelings your eyes will always give you away.
Luckily though Edward has yet to figure out what the hurt in my eyes is all about. I don't think I could handle his sympathy and pity right now. I surely don't want him needing to worry about me at this time when he has so many much more important things to deal with.
Thank God it is Saturday morning. I am absolutely exhausted from the stress of the week. Colin is not sleeping and Elena ran fever for two days. I have slept a total of six hours in five days. I am really hoping they will sleep late this morning or Edward will be gracious enough to leave his precious Jessica's side and take them out so I can rest.
I would give anything to erase the hatred I have for Jessica. It is not her fault that the man I love fell in love with her instead of me but no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to erase the feelings I harbor deep inside.
It is seven o'clock in the morning as I lay on my uncomfortable blow up mattress that is now being called my bed. Fighting desperately to find my way back to sleep as the exhaustion engulfs me but my unbearable situation keeping sleep at bay. If only I could stop thinking about my circumstances. If only Edward's face were not permanently burned into my brain. If only I could make my mind feel at peace for one moment and fall back asleep.
I am almost back asleep when Edward knocks on the door to the room I am staying in. He pushes the door open gently and creeps across the floor to the edge of my poor excuse for a bed. Leaning down he gently nudges my shoulder trying to wake me from the sleep he thinks I'm enjoying. I try to ignore him acting like I am asleep in the hopes that he will choose to leave me alone but no such luck.
"Bella, please wake up I need you" Edward whispers nudging my shoulder harder.
At the sound of Edward's voice and the way my body felt when he stated he needed me I knew I could no longer deprive him. I opened my eyes smiling at him. If he needed me I would be there no matter what. I could never deny him of any need he may have.
"Thank God you're awake. Can you please feed Colin a bottle and make Elena some breakfast? I am so exhausted and they both are awake and hungry. Jessica and I were awake most the night discussing possible names for the new baby so I am in no mood to deal with them this morning." Edward stated as he ran his fingers through those messy bronze locks on top of his head before turning and walking out the door.
He didn't even wait for an answer. It makes me furious how he just assumes I will take care of him and his family whenever he needs. He never considers my feelings or thinks about what I may want. I wish just once he would put me first and not be so selfish.
Oh who am I kidding, Edward knows he doesn't have to wait for an answer. He knows I would have said yes anyway. I would give Edward anything he wanted.
I got up and went into the kitchen. The children were already there waiting not so patiently for their breakfast. After changing Colin's diaper and feeding the kids their breakfast I decided to try and get them to watch a movie.
I dozed in and out of consciousness lying on the couch as Elena and Colin watched episodes of the Bernstein Bears. Before I knew it the time had passed by and it was noon. I went into the kitchen to start making lunch as Edward emerged through the door.
I started making grilled cheese sandwiches and tried not to look at him. Edward was wearing pajama pants and nothing else. His chest is bare and so are his feet and he is stunning. I love this man so much being this close to him makes me lose my breathe. There are times I feel like my chest will explode with the emotions I have for him.
"I have the most amazing wife. Bella I can't begin to tell you how much I love her. Jessica is incredible. I mean here she is on bed rest and this morning she thinks about me and my needs. Even though I know she was tired she still helped me take care of my manly urges" Edward said smiling wide and winking at me.
I had to turn my head away from him so he wouldn't see the fury in my eyes. I have had no sleep this week due to taking care of his children and just wanted the morning to myself but wasn't allowed the time I needed. It was okay though because he was tired and needed his rest but now that I find out what he was doing it makes me want to scream.
The thought of her touching him on a normal day has always been enough to make my stomach nauseous, my heart race, and my chest hurt. But today of all days as tired as I am he brags to me about this. I feel myself being shoved over the edge of my reserve. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
"Bella" Edward spoke so softly I barely heard him.
I turned to look at him trying to mask the pain and anger in my eyes. "Yeah" I said.
"You will never know how much I appreciate what you are doing for my family. We couldn't make it without you. Bella you are my guardian angel and I will forever be in your debt. I don't even know where to begin to thank you. There are no words that would be even remotely close to saying enough thanks to you for this. If I didn't have you in my life I would be lost. I know this was a lot to ask of you and I am sorry that I had to. But honestly Bella you have been our salvation and I hope you will stick this out with us."
I stood there stunned. The sincerity of his words bringing tears to my eyes. How could I have ever been angry at this man? I chose to be here for him and I would. No matter how hard it may be for me to watch him with Jessica I will stay as long as I am needed.
"Edward, you know you don't even have to ask. I will be here always and forever. Whatever you need I will do. Do not worry about me leaving you, it will never happen. I will never leave you Edward." I hoped he could hear the love in my voice and my words would ease his concern. I knew the words I spoke were true I would always be for Edward whatever he needed me to be. He may never love me the way that I love him but as long as he needed me I would be there.
He smiled sweetly before turning to walk out of the kitchen. He was going back to her. He was going to be with her and no matter how much it hurt me to know that he would always choose her over me I couldn't let it bring me down.
I have to be strong for Edward. I will be the friend he needs. I will cook his meals, take care of his kids, clean his house, and pay his bills. I will never complain. I will never let him know how much I love him or that being around him his almost painful. I will just be.
The remainder of Jessica's pregnancy went much the same way. For seven months I shared a home with the man I love, his wife, and his children. I kept the promise I made to Edward and I stayed till Jessica was able to return to work.
Jessica gave birth three months ago to another beautiful baby girl. They named her Faith and she unlike Elena and Colin looked just like Edward. Faith had bronze hair, dazzling green eyes, and the cutest little lips. Jessica said having faith was what brought her to them and that is why she was named Faith.
Naturally as these things typically go after Faith was born Edward fell even more in love with Jessica. She was now more to him than ever. Not only did she give him another child to link them together but he admired her so much more for the way she brought Faith to him. Edward considered Jessica the strongest woman in the world to endure four and a half months of bed rest then delivering a healthy baby girl. He was in awe of the two of them and spent his days pampering and loving them.
It has been hard to see but I have made it.
Jessica was able to take over mommy duties again once she returned home from the hospital after delivering Faith. She would still be out of work for awhile so I agreed to stay with them a few more months to help Edward pay the bills.
Since the birth it has been much easier on me physically. I no longer spend all night taking care of crying children. Jessica now cleans the house, takes care of the kids, cooks the meals, and handles the laundry. All I have to do is go to work and come home.
Unfortunately although physically it is easier emotionally it is worse. I am now faced with Jessica every day. She is a very nice person who has always been nothing but gracious to me and constantly thanks me for what I am doing but I still hold a silent grudge towards her.
I can't help it and I know it's wrong. She doesn't deserve these feelings of hate I have toward her. Jessica has never once intentionally wronged me and it is not her fault that Edward fell in love with her instead of me.
I endure silently the pain of watching him adore her every day. I fight the feelings of anger that threaten to consume me as I watch him love her and not me. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done and yet the most rewarding.
Today is Friday and this is my last weekend with Edward and his family.
Jessica returned to work last week and now financially they will be okay. Life will go back to normal as we know it. I have found a new apartment in the city and will be moving in on Sunday. Edward's perfect life is back and even more perfect than before.
Jessica is truly an amazing woman there is no wonder Edward fell in love with her. Watching her be wife extraordinaire and super mom is inspirational. She is a very special woman and I am happy Edward has found her.
I have decided to give them one more thing before I go; the ultimate dream night for moms and dads with a free baby sitter.
I made dinner reservations for Friday night at the most romantic restaurant in Seattle. Following dinner they have a room booked at the most expensive hotel in the city. Complete with a spa and room service to pamper them. I made them appointments at the spa for Saturday morning and told them to have a nice lunch before coming home.
The thought of the whole thing makes me nauseous so I have been spending the day trying not to think about the amazing gift they will be enjoying together. I am so glad I can give them this night they both really deserve it but that doesn't make it hurt me any less.
Friday night arrives and I arranged to leave work early to make sure I was home in plenty of time for Edward and Jessica to make their eight o'clock reservations. I walk through the front door and am greeted by Elena who has already picked a movie for us to watch together. I quickly change clothes before getting comfortable on the couch with Elena to watch Beauty and the Beast. It is a good thing I actually like this movie because it is her favorite and over the last seven months I have seen it at least five hundred times.
The movie was just about to start when Jessica descended the stairs looking like a goddess. Come to think of it even a goddess would have been jealous of her. She was beautiful beyond words. Her dress was black and sleeveless showing off her delicate shoulders. The ruffles on the bottom stopped just above her knees showing off her sexy calves. Every inch of the tight dress hugged her curves perfectly. She had not put on much makeup but she didn't need it. Jessica was a natural beauty with soft, silky, shiny light brown ringlets caressing her neck.
I was speechless before such stunning beauty. Edward will fall even deeper in love with her tonight I just know it. How could he not? She is a vision to be loved and adored.
"Do you like my dress Bella? I would have liked a new one but right now we can't afford it. Do you think it's okay?" Jessica asked as if she had no idea how beautiful she really was and the truth is she didn't. Jessica is humble, one of her many good traits. She is the perfect woman in every way.
"You look stunning" I replied not knowing what else to say. How could I tell this amazing woman in front of me who I actually despise that I think she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen?
As I spoke the words Edward walked through the front door looking handsome as usual in his black suit and purple tie. His messy bronze hair accented his clean cut suit in the most sexy of ways.
"Baby, you look beautiful. No beautiful isn't a strong enough word to describe you tonight, you are….." and with that Edward was speechless. Jessica is so stunningly beautiful that she takes his breath away.
Edward walked over took her in his arms and kissed her deeply with so much passion I should have been embarrassed to watch them. I felt the knot in my stomach form as the nausea washed over me. I had this reaction every time he touched her and this was the most intimate I had ever seen them. I wasn't sure how much more I could watch before I vomited on the living room floor.
"Jessica, thank you for being my wife" he spoke after he caught his breath. It was a simple statement that held so much meaning in it. I saw the tears forming in Jessica's eyes and had to look away. The two of them are so much in love and there is nothing I will ever be able to do to change that.
After kissing all the children good night Jessica and Edward left for their date. I fed and bathed all the kids and once they were finally asleep I had the night to myself.
I would be leaving in two days to return to my normal life. No more family style responsibilities. No more watching Edward and Jessica. No more suburban house. I couldn't wait.
What a lie. Who am I kidding? As hard as it is being around Edward it is even harder being without him. The past seven months I have got to see his face every day. That I will miss very much. I will even miss Elena, Colin, and Faith. As hard as it is to take care of them I have fallen in love with them. They are amazing children and they are a part of Edward. I love them all dearly and will miss each and every one of them. I will even miss Jessica. She is such a good person with so much love and goodness inside of her. I may hate her with no cause but even I must admit how truly great she is.
I walk around the house I have called home these past few months recording every inch to memory. Unless Edward needs me again I will not be here for a long time. Once I am back in the city Edward and I will go back to our usual weekly lunch every Thursday at our favorite restaurant. That will be it again. One hour a week shared between friends is all I will ever have of Edward Cullen.
Eventually I fell asleep sometime way into Saturday morning after crying for hours. I cried over what I would never have and what I could never loose. I thought again about leaving Seattle. Maybe putting distance between us would ease the pain but I know I could never really go. Edward may need me again someday and if he does I need to be here for him.
Jessica and Edward arrived home around three in the afternoon. Seeing their faces made me both happy and heartbroken. They looked so relaxed, so well rested, and so very satisfied. The thought of giving them those looks made me happy that I did it for them but at the same time those looks made my heart ache.
It is a hard life to live; the life of a lie. I will never tell Edward how I feel and I know that he will be the better for it. Edward is happier than I could ever imagine and I love him enough to let him be for the rest of his life. He chose her to be the love of his life and I will never come between that.
That's just the way it is when you truly love someone. You will do anything for them no matter the cost to you, your heart, your mind, or your soul. For when you truly love someone with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, and all that is you their happiness comes before yours. The cost to you no longer matters just as long as you can make even one minute of their life better. It will all be worth it to see them smile.