Title: The Aftermath
Character(s): Zoe
Spoilers: Post-BDM
Summary: In her first moment alone, Zoe contemplates her new emotions
Author's Note: I tried to keep Zoe in character in a way that would allow me to explore her huge loss. I hope I did her justice. It was originally written for ffFriday (livejournal) prompt: pandemonium. Let me know what you think, thanks :) Joss is boss 3
The Aftermath
It began the moment she sat on their bed… her bed. A rush of emotions she had no grasp on flooded her very soul, branching out into every aspect of her being. Her senses on overdrive caused her to feel dizzy and she struggled to pick out one emotion from the din.
Behind her eyes the final moment of her husband's life flashed before her. Like a broken record, it repeated over and over. Speaking. Harpoon. Lifeless. Over and over.
Her ears only heard his voice, mixed with the sound of his breath being shoved from his body by the harpoon, overlaid by the sound of her own voice screaming his name. She heard herself pleading for him to hurry and get up, heard herself react in a way she never did when part of the Independents. But, then again, this war was different and Wash was more than a soldier.
She felt his cold, lifeless body in her hands, even hours after she had removed him from the pilot's seat, his seat. Mal tried to fight her about it, but she knew she had to be the one. They had created a make-shift coffin for the trip to Haven and she had carefully and lovingly placed him inside of it. Not a tear fell from her eyes as the crew watched on.
The blood was the worst. She was not squeamish and had been around her share of bodies, but the fact that the blood was Wash's made it different. It stuck to her, even after the long shower, causing her to smell it no matter what. The smell was strong enough that she could taste it. No amount of protein bars or Kaylee's engine brew could cover that taste – even the vomit from her stomach not accepting her first meal since the final battle couldn't cover the metallic taste.
On top of all that, her brain tried to process too much, tried to think of anything except her new status as widow. Sitting in the bunk they shared didn't help - she could see a few of his dinosaurs, a pair of his boots, and a shirt he had thrown to the ground one night as they made love. So many thoughts caused her to be unable to focus on just one, forgetting what she was thinking the moment something else popped into her head.
Her heart was heavy, making her feel tired and empty. She could feel the nothingness at the pit of her stomach. At times she could swear her heart stopped beating completely.
It was pandemonium. She felt her resolve weaken as she laid her head down on his pillow. She inhaled and the scent that was Wash filled her soul and in that moment she had peace. When she exhaled, everything came rushing back – his final moment, her screaming, his body, the blood, her thoughts and in that moment she lost all control.
Mal stood outside Zoe's bunk and closed his eyes at the sound of her tears. It was a new sound, even to him, and knew things were going to be very different. Forever she would be trapped in a silent hell that he would see behind her eyes every day.