Hey everybody back with another NALU fanfic! Sorry for the late obsession with it, I'll try to do another Fairy Tail couple soon. Just as a warning this fanfic has a lot of triggers so if that bothers you, turn back now and read no further! I will be updating frequently and yes I actually mean that unlike some people. Anyway review and rate!

Disclaimer: I dont own Fairy Tail. :(

Natsu Dragneel, the Salamander of Fairy Tail, the Fire Dragon Slayer, a seemingly perfect and immortal mage who had not a worry in the world. To those who knew him, he was seen as invincible. He could take down any opponent that came his way and only continued to surprise the world with his power. After the Grand Magic Games, his reputation had skyrocketed, making him even more well known than he had been previously. More often than not he didn't go a day without someone recognising him and asking for an autograph. Surprisingly, Natsu didn't let the fame get to his head, even though he still got into ego-based fights with Gray.

But, this was only the outward Natsu Dragneel. Beneath the surface was a much more serious and sadly, dark person. Externally, he was one of the happiest people, always smiling and raring to get into a friendly tussel with his fellow guild mates. But internally, he was a depressed and lonely mage with extremely low self esteem. Normally it would seem odd to ever think of Natsu as insecure, but it was the honest truth. Even with all his boasting and seemingly egotistical comments, he truly was more insecure than most tween girls. Every single little comment from Gray, whether it be as simple as "Flame for Brains" or "Ash Head", was taken to heart. In his mind, he truly believed that Gray did in fact dislike him, even though everyone else would beg to differ. For pretty much everybody else, it was a common thought that Natsu and Gray were the best of friends and their fights were just their own special way of communicating.

His low self esteem didn't only apply to Gray, but to pretty much everyone else he was even remotely close to. Everytime Erza screamed at him for doing something idiotic, he would mentally berate himself a thousand times for the rest of the day. When he got into trouble with Master Makarov for being over zealous in a job and causing unneccesary damage, he would utter profanities at himself for having been so absolutely stupid. It didn't matter if a comment was said only jokingly or if it was a simple scolding for a small mistake, everything was like a stab in the heart for Natsu and it took almost all his emotional strength to conceal it. And this often lead to him breaking down on a weekly basis, sometimes even daily.

Whenever Natsu got to the point of no longer being able to hide the pain, he would sneak off alone into the woods, saying he was doing some form of secret training to continue to hone his Dragon Slayer skills. Almost everyone would believe him and leave him be. Everyone except for a few times Lucy had gone after Natsu, curious as to what secret training he was actually doing. Everytime though been futile, seeing how Natsu had smelt her with his enhanced sense of smell and angrily told her to stop butting into his business. Natsu felt a stab everytime he saw the hurt expression on Lucy's face when he yelled at her.

This would lead to Natsu being more angry at himself than he had before and by the time he got to his secret spot in the woods, he would be much further past his breaking point than previously. After looking around for people, Natsu would climb into his favorite tree and pull out the object he had kept wrapped and hidden in his inside vest pocket.

Natsu couldn't remember exactly the first time he had cut himself. All he remembered was the immense pain he had felt before he did it and waking up a few hours later with blood covering his clothes. Natsu was always careful to cut in places that would go unnoticed, such as his back or his hips. After he finished, he would sit in the tree for hours, crying in a ball and talking outloud. He didn't know why he felt the urge to cut. All he knew was that as each slice appeared a little bit of the pain would slip away. Things were only seeming to get worse. Each time he went into the woods was longer and it was getting harder and harder to manage to keep up his fake facade. There was always the thought of death at the back of his mind but not until recently had he actually considered it to be a real option.

It had been a normal day at the guild. He and Lucy had come back from a job the day before and had decided to rest for the day. It had been an easy quest, taking down a couple bandits that had been terrorizing a nearby town. It had only taken a couple days and had gone by without any incidents. When they finally got back, Natsu decided to sit at the bar instead of getting into a fight with Gray, which had earned him a few odd looks. He asked Mira for a drink and sat back, with his gaze falling naturally on its normal focus these days, Lucy. Mira of course noticed this as well as Cana.

"Who are you staring at Natsu huh? A certain blonde?" Mira giggled as she handed him his drink.

He blushed slightly before denying it and saying he was simply looking around for his next opponent to challenge.

Cana laughed heartily," Not like she would ever stare at you. She's got better men to gaze at. I mean, this place is teeming with attractive young lads. And then there is your ugly mug. Yikes, you ain't got a chance." She downed her barrell before reaching for another.

"Cana! Don't say that!" Mira said, sending death glares at Cana.

Cana let out a loud burp before replying, " He knows I'm just kidding. I've had them pegged as a couple as long as you have Mira."

Natsu looked down at his drink, trying to shake it off. But like normal, he wasn't able to. He dismissed himself, thanking Mira for the drink and leaving the joules on the bar.

It took him less time than usual to make it to his tree in the woods. He didn't have to stop at his house for his blade, seeing how he left a spare at the tree just for times like this. He clambered up the tree, barely making it to the top before he broke down. He ran his fingers up and down his arms, yelling outloud to himself.

"Of course she would never go for you! She wants an attractive boyfriend, not a hideous guy like me! I'll never be good enough to even kiss her feet, not to mention call her mine! I don't even deserve to be her partner."

The entire time he spoke he ran the blade in sharp long lines down his back, cutting deep and causing his view to become fuzzy.

"I don't even deserve to be around her. She always gets hurt and I'm never there at the right time! I don't deserve to be called her Nakama," his voice broke as he let out a huge sob and whispered to himself," I don't even deserve to be alive. I'm a failure and everyone knows it. No matter how much I do, I'll never be good enough as I am. I always have to be stronger, do more, be more powerful."

Natsu let go completely, letting out loud and unstifled sobs. If anyone was even remotely close to him, they would hear. But he didn't care at this point.

"All I have to do is run this blade across my throat. It would be so quick and easy. Finally, I would get rid of me so everyone could be happy," he held the blade against his neck, feeling blood start to pool against the blade.

"No...I can't leave my Nakama...That would only make me even more selfish than I already am...I can't hurt Lucy, not like this. She doesn't deserve to experience the pain of my death." Natsu removed the blade away from his neck, dropping it into his lap.

Since then Natsu had thought about it a few more times, but everytime he went to do it, he stopped himself. Some part of him held him back. But he could feel it slipping away and he didn't know how long it would take before that part of him stopped talking to him completely.