"I loathe everything about you."
"Tell me something I don't f– know!" Hidan sniffed. Kakuzu stood in the entrance of the Akatsuki lair as a torrent of water slid in a steady pace from the cave top, obscuring his view of what lay beyond. Hidan shook himself distastefully as though attempting to shake off one of Deidara's spiders and lamented shrilly,
"Eek! I hate being wet! We can't possibly go out in all this Jashin-damned rain. Clearly it's a sign that we need to stay at the f– lair!"
"Why didn't he give you a sign in your thirty minute 'morning ritual' then?"
"It's a 'dawn salutation' and Jashin isn't a f– weather man, bastard." With his most determined pouting face, Hidan promptly sat. "I'm not going." Kakuzu looked down at his partner and then back out to the mini waterfall.
"Your five-year old tactics will not sway me and they will not sway leader. We leave within the hour and you are coming."
"Screw leader. And screw you. I stay." Kakuzu knew better than to argue. It was at this point in their communications that he switched from verbal to physical methods. Hidan was coming. Kakuzu turned sharply, robes swishing in front of Hidan's still pouting countenance.
"I'm getting a thermos of tea. Then we go."
"Hmph!" Kakuzu passed Deidara as he made his way to the kitchen.
"Hurry up, Danna!" He called down the hall as he produced a clay bird from his bag. "And he's the one who has a fit if I keep him waiting, un!" The blond muttered under his breath before enlarging the bird and shouting again, "I'm ready, let's go! We'll be late, un!" Kakuzu subconsciously dodged the flustered redhead.
"I heard that, Deidara!" he growled, taking a swing and then a kick at the grinning sculptor, both of which missed.
"Save it for the mission, Danna!" he said in a singsong taunt before jumping nimbly onto his creation and offering a hand to his partner to pull him up. "And hold this, un." Sasori took the umbrella his partner thrust at him and muttered something about traveling in his puppet, birds, waiting, and how much blonds got on his nerves as the black umbrella bloomed over their heads and the bird took flight.
Kakuzu carefully poured himself a thermos of unsweetened tea, nodding to Kisame who sat at the table winding cloth around Samehada. He nodded back before standing and hefting his blade with a grunt, tiny yellow eyes following his partner who had appeared in the hall and wandered to Hidan's side.
"Tsk." The Uchiha said as he put a hand out into the torrents and slowly drew it back, staring at the water in grotesque fascination as though it was poison eating holes in his skin. "Kiki, we'll need an umbrella!" he called. Kakuzu noticed the shark-man pause on his way to the kitchen coat rack where Itachi's umbrella dangled, his cheeks turning a slightly purple color at the use of Itachi's "pet name" for him.
"Coming, Itachi-san!" He lumbered down the hall, stepping over Hidan, and forced their umbrella to blossom, stopping short the rain screen at the cave's entrance. Itachi turned, straightened his partner's robes, and then gracefully stepped out beneath the umbrella. Kisame followed, grinning at the impact of the previously halted mini waterfall on his blue skin. Kakuzu strolled slowly down the hall, stopping next to Hidan and watching the figures blur and then disappear. He sipped his tea.
"Let's go." He slammed the cap back on.
"Hmph!" Hidan turned away.
"I will carry you if I have to-"
"Okay, okay!" Hidan stood and followed Kakuzu out into the downpour. They were instantly soaked. Hidan sniffed miserably.
"Kuzu-"
"Pardon?" He sighed.
"Kakuzu,"
"Yes?"
"Why don't we have an umbrella?" Kakuzu stopped, shocked that his partner could ask such a stupid question.
"It costs money."
"You know… I kind of enjoy rain, Hidan! It's begun to grow on me!" Hidan turned slowly with his darkest, evilest look, gazing up with his pale, stony eyes. Kakuzu bounced on the balls of his feet, humming random notes, practically glowing from beneath his mask. He seemed to feed off of his partner's gloom. Hidan kept his gaze locked with Kakuzu's bright eyes, holding it long enough to ensure Kakuzu knew he was not in the mood for his verbal torture. Hidan turned away as slowly as he had before.
"You make me sick."
"Choo!" Hidan jumped a bit as a sneeze caught him off guard. He sniffed, hugging himself and shrinking back with a pitiful expression. Kakuzu snorted. This was clearly a plea for pity. A plea he was determined to ignore. This had been their third mission in a week, seventh in a month, and all had been wet. But "a little rain never stops, Leader-samma!" as their head missing-nin had so aptly put it. Kakuzu sighed and shifted positions in his seat. As it was, "a little rain" seemed to encourage leader-samma. Rarely did they have such busy times as this. All the more irksome.
"Choo!" He began to tap his fingers.
We could be getting a bounty right now…
"Mmf…"
But no…
"Ack!"
We're stuck…
"Um… next patient! Hi… Hidan, maybe? The handwriting's a bit difficult to-"
"THAT'S ME!"
in the doctor's office.
Hidan leapt out of his seat, spilling the office's entire collection of gossip magazines to the floor as he did so.
"Oh!" He looked down and blinked, then stepped over them and tripped after the nurse, imploring in his currently strained voice, "Pick those up, Kuzu?" His partner growled. Not only had he used that god damned nickname and left a mess, but he'd done them both on purpose. Kakuzu may have hated his partner but that didn't mean he hadn't amassed, though begrudgingly, a store of knowledge on Hidan's habits and mannerisms, if you could use a word with "manner" in it in the same sentence as the explicit creature. There had most definitely been an extra bounce in his step.
Week three. Mission nine. Weather… wet. Today's rain was fat and randomly falling upon the missing-nin's backs as they made their way to a small cloud village. After Hidan's visit to the doctor, several hot baths that put a significant strain on the water bill, and numerous "pre-lunch meditations" (or "bloody, moan abusive causes of appetite loss" in what Hidan had dubbed 'Kuzuspeak'), Hidan's mood and health had improved greatly which meant Kakuzu's had suffered doubly so.
Hidan leapt from puddle to puddle, robe held high to avoid mud splatters, being sure to land as close to Kakuzu as often as possible.
"Whee! You know, the rain does kind of grow on you, Kakuzu! What was that song you hummed again? It was so," he paused, looking thoughtfully off into the distance, "rain-ish." Hop. Hop. Splash. "Oosh! That one was big!" Hidan turned. Kakuzu stared down at his sopping, muddy robe front. Time slowed.
Then a low rumble began and erupted in a shout of righteous fury as he lunged forward, tackling Hidan.
"Eee!" They met the muddy earth with an immense splash of surprisingly warm water. But Kakazu could care less what temperature the puddle was.
"You-little-bitch! I swear-I-will-kill-you!" Hidan gasped for breath as massive hands tightened mercilessly around his tiny neck.
"Ka-! Kuzu, st-!" He wiggled madly only to be crushed further by Kakuzu's greater weight. He looked up into the clouded eyes, striving to find some way beneath the fog of fury. In his efforts to obtain oxygen, tears sprung to his eyes. Kakuzu stopped, muscles dying on him at the sight of his own glowing eyes reflected in the salty orbs tingeing the violet ones.
Hidan broke the moment by gulping in air louder than necessary. Kakuzu flopped sideways and then to his back, splattering water across Hidan's face. They lay still, completely soaked, and oblivious to the raindrops freckling their skin. Heart beat.
"I'm sorry," they said. Heart beat.
"Well if you're going to f— apologize, I'm f— taking mine back," snapped Hidan matter of factly. A rumble. Laughter. Hidan rolled to his side to face his partner. "Mmm, Kuzu, I've never heard you laugh before." He pressed his nose into his bicep. "Mmm… Kuzu?"
"Yes?" he replied, choking back the laughter of many smile-less years.
"Can we get an umbrella?"
"Not on your life."
Week four. Missions 11 and 12. Solo missions. They hadn't spoken to each other since… well… that. Kakuzu felt uneven thumps in his chest and back. He was not going to think about that. The warmth of Hidan's little nose against his arm. The purring sound he'd made that had an equal if not greater warmth. How he nuzzled so gently and curled his hands up under his chin. How damn sexy his rather exposed chest was with rain streaming down it. No, he was not going to think about that.
The lair opened with a rumble and he stepped in, preparing to shut the entrance but a pale hand reached through and halted the boulder. A familiar hand. Kakuzu froze as Hidan squeezed in making an assortment of his obnoxious straining noises in the process.
"It's so f— wet! Arg!" He shook himself, oblivious to his unmoving partner. "And why the f— were you closing the door on m-oh. Kakuzu…"
Why can't I talk? Speak, dammit! Talk!
"Well!"
Hidan's violet eyes hardened and his permanently creased brow dented still further. "'Well'? 'Well'? That's all you have to say to me, 'well'? Well I have a few f— things to say to you, bastard-"
Oh shit.
"No, no! I… I meant 'well' as in…" Hidan swung a hip out. Kakuzu knew what that meant. As Deidara put it, Hidan was about to 'get his snap on'.
"As in what?"
"As in…"
Why am I nervous? I can't let Hidan do this to me. I'm the one who bullies him, not the other way around!
"Well as in, well you'd better get the hell out of the way right now before I-"
"Before you what bastard?!" Hidan shrieked. "Before you f— kill me? I'd love to see you f— try!" and he slapped him. Kakuzu blinked at Hidan who still held his hand aloft at the end of his slap's arc. Never had he seen him look so genuinely hurt. So angry. And he'd seen him angry before, but not like this, never like this. And why wasn't he, Kakuzu, angry. A week before this he would have knocked off Hidan's head without thinking twice. So why couldn't he do it now? Was it because the same hand had stroked his arm so gently? Or because that trembling mouth had smiled at him, him, Kakuzu? A monster. A, as he was so constantly reminded, f— bastard. Or was it that for the second time he was seeing his own eyes reflected in his partner's tears?
"Hidan…"
"Screw you!" he turned abruptly, hand dropping to his side. "F— screw you."
"Hidan-"
"And I'm not crying, bastard." He turned to face him again, the familiar defiant expression altered by the presence of tears he made no attempt to stop. "You can tell anyone, tell your f— money for all I care, you can tell them about this, the whole f— up mess. But don't you ever, ever tell a f— , Jashin-damned soul that I cried. Because I'm not f— crying." And he was gone. And it was too late to fix it all. Too late for anything. He sat heavily, sighing.
"Screw me."
Beginning of last week. Mission 22. The first partner mission in seven days. Again, they had been avoiding each other but this time for different reasons.
Or maybe the same, Kakuzu thought wretchedly. After all, didn't it go pack to the puddle incident? That warm little nose pressed to his arm? The first time anyone had been able to bring him back from the height of his temper? And it just had to be Hidan. Explicit, annoying, bitchy, and now befuddling, Hidan. Why? How? And to top it all off, the silver haired immortal seemed to have suffered no emotional scars from their showdown in the hall and was the morose, foul mouthed, and god damned bitchy Hidan Kakuzu had always known. A bit quieter, but overall the same. He had always been quick to recover, but Kakuzu also evaluated him as one to hold grudges. So he had to be careful. He was positive Hidan was waiting, ready to drop some snide remark or unexpected accusation when the time was right. Underestimation would be fatal. They plodded through the day's steady downpour, side by side, heading home from their quick assassination assignment.
"Hidan?"
"What?"
"Well…" Hidan looked up coldly at the word, "Well, I just noticed something's been different about you recently." He snorted.
"Why've you been observing me, Kakuzu-san? F— stalker. I can take care of myself."
Oh shit. He used an honorific. This is serious.
"I didn't mean physically."
"Stalker." Kakuzu felt a surge of fury, but suppressed it. He had to have this conversation. No more running away.
This would be a hell of a lot easier if he didn't know how to push my buttons so damn well.
"You've been quiet recently."
"Pssh! That's just because you've been f— running away from me. I'm as loud as ever, bastard. You're not a very good stalker!" He looked up meaningfully, the hints of a smile dancing in his eyes, then continued in his stride. But something stopped him.
"Hidan!..." Kakuzu had grabbed him and turned him around to face him.
"Ooh, much better! Now you're a rapist too!"
"Hidan… where's the blood?"
"What the f—"
"The blood! On your face!" he looked down, grabbing the small hands he couldn't help admire for their slender perfection, "Your hands,"
"Well, this certainly feels gay,"
"Your…" his words stopped as his gaze did: on Hidan's chest where a fresh seam stood out against pale skin. A fresh seam lacking fresh blood. Hidan looked down too, like a woman examining her amount of exposed cleavage. He laughed, flat out without the rumbling build up his partner laughed with or the escalating mmm's of Sasori. Just silence. Then laughter.
"Forget being a f— stalker, how the hell did you become a f— shinobi? The rain washed it off, bastard!"
"…Oh." So that was what had been different. Usually he saw three colors that allowed him to immediately recognize his partner: black, silver, and blood red. Hidan was still howling with laughter, eyes shut, squeezing Kakuzu's hands in the tenseness of his heckling. He leaned back, taking in a deep breath. Tears of mirth formed at the edges of his eyes.
"Oh, Kuzu, that was good!" He raised his wrist to his eyes to wipe away the tears but Kakuzu's fingers got there first. He watched his reflection dissipate to moisture on his thumb as Hidan looked up, startled.
"Hidan, I think I love you." A pause. Hidan smirked, retracting his hands from Kakuzu's grasp.
"B.S.! I'll believe that when I f— die."
"But- what?"
"Bullshit, Kuzu!" his smirk spread to a grin. "Think it over again and you'll find you thought wrong. The only thing you love is money, Kuzu! That's the only thing you've ever loved, love right now, and will ever love!" He took off again with a jaunty gait and turned to his speechless partner when he didn't follow.
"But-but-No! Y-you're wrong!" Hidan looked quizzical. "I can love- I do love other things! I-" Hidan grinned and winked, sticking his tongue out.
"Prove it to me!"
Last day of the month. No missions. Weather: sunny, cloudless. Hidan swung his legs madly over the edge of the lair. He was bored.
"Ah…" he reclined, legs still pumping the air in a frenzy.
I haven't seen the bastard all day…
He blew at a stray strand of hair.
Probably hiding again… he frowned slightly. "Ah, Kuzu… Sorry, but I'm not going to fool myself. I wish I could have told you the truth but I know your true priorities," he said to the sky, smiling now. "Even if you don't." He stretched. "Plus who could really love a bombing bitch like me?"
"A f— bastard like me."
"Kuzu!" He sat up abruptly, flustered at being overheard. "I-"
"No need to explain, Hidan. Not a f—, Jashin damned soul will hear a word you said from me." He sat beside the blushing immortal. "I just have one question: what do you consider us?"
"We're partners, bas-" he reconsidered the word, "baka."
"What kind of partners?" Hidan looked confusedly at Kakuzu and then away as realization hit him.
"Kakuzu, I-I said already, that I think-"
"Think it over again and you'll find you thought wrong."
"Kuzu, I-"
"Hidan. I have something for you."
"I-" Kakuzu reached into the folds of his robes. He held up an umbrella. Black, silver, and blood red. He placed it firmly in Hidan's lap.
"15 dollars and twenty-two cents. It wasn't on sale, I swear to god." Hidan gaped.
"But-you-you-!" And suddenly he felt the warmth of that perfect little nose against his shoulder. Hidan squeezed him hard. "Kuzu!" He felt the nose trace from his shoulder up his neck and hands taking it's place. Then fingers prying down his mask. "Kuzu…"
Manipulation is interesting. They follow you. They follow you. They learn you've been tricking them and then they get mad. Of course then, if you are a good manipulator, such as myself, you're long gone and they can only be vexed with their memory of you. Too late. And that's the amusement of being "leader". Sasori's not the only one with an army of puppets. Heh. Maybe when all's said and done, my 'army' will be left spewing abuse to a memory of me. Should be fun to watch. But for now they follow. And if I could get, of all people, Hidan and Kakuzu to kiss, of all things, the question of my achieving world domination is almost laughably easy. Almost. But I just gave them a push. I mean, what better couple than a bitch and a bastard? Meant for each other but never aware of it underneath the constant exchange of death threats and curses. But, when it comes down to it, all they really needed was an umbrella.