Just a quickie that went through my head since I've been replaying Skyrim. Admittedly the Idea isn't that unique, so I apologize if someone already did this.

Now before anyone gets on my case about being Anti-imperial, this is only for joke purposes. I myself sided with the Imperials two playthroughs in a row now.

This won't be as detailed compared to my other stories on account of its status as a parody.

Captain smiled to herself as the sounds of the wheeling carts got closer. Today was the day, she thought to herself. The day that the damnable Stormcloak rebellion would end and the Empire would finally start its inevitable plan to stomp the savage Nord rebels under their well intentioned and reasonably justified rule.

"Why are we stopping?"

It was one of those stupid Stormcloaks that looked and acted nothing like a Stormcloak. Of course they were smart enough to figure out that anybody who had to have been caught near the stormcloaks was obviously one despite all evidence pointing to the contrary. Why, just last week they'd caught an obvious rebel who was running around in his underwear and claiming to be a courier. Yeah right, he was caught red handed 50 feet away facing the other direction from a Stormcloak soldier who was taking a nap. Obviously he was a spy, what other reason could there have been for him being within a 50 feet radius?

She was proud to admit that she was the one who did that arrest herself. She was also the one who decapitated him mid-sentence before he could even finish explaining himself properly. The soldiers under her command gave her reproachful looks and told her that she was crazy, but she knew they were just jealous. They just wished they had her success and instinct.

"Where do you think? End of the line..."

One by one the prisoner's stepped down the wagons. She could hear the 'doesn't-look-like-one-but-totally-is ' Stormcloak making excuses about not being involved with them.

Well, it was time for her role.

"Step forward when we call your name, one at a time!"

Next to her, Hadvar held out the list and called out the names one by one. He took a noticeable step to the side before he did so, making sure to stay as far away from Captain without making it look like he didn't want to be standing next to her.

"Ulfrick Stormcloack, Jarl of Windhelm."

The gagged Nord stepped forward, flashing a glare at anyone who was unlucky enough to meet his gaze. He flashed a particularly nasty one at her, which she took in stride. After all, he was the one gagged and bound while she was perfectly safe and in control. She could barely make out one of the other cloaks mentioning how much of an honor it had been or other such nonsense. She never understood Nord's.

"Ralof of Riverwood."

Thankfully, this one didn't have any big shows or talks. The blond cloak simply walked forward didn't even glare at anyone along the way. It seems as if he had accepted death with dignity.

Which is exactly why he would be put to the torture chamber first before being executed. A quick scalding would probably change that tune of his. Of course she'd have to convince General Tullius to delay the execution for that, but a few screams would be worth it.

"Lokir of Rorikstead."

"No, I'm not a rebel, you can't do this!" This one actually seemed to be scared. Good, he would be one of the first. There was nothing like screaming idiots to break the morale of the 'Face death with dignity' crowd-

Hold on, was that texture loading? It was! She could practically see the graphics loading clear as day!

Seeing as no one was listening to him, Lokir ran past Captain towards the gate while she was distracted by the piece of loading texture, "You're not gonna kill me!" He shouted back as loud as he could, which of course jogged the captain out of her staring.

"Archers!"

The sounds of arrows hitting a ragdoll and scripted screams followed soon afterwards. Damn it all, she thought angrily. Now she had to change her whole execution lineup around. Oh well, at least there was only one prisoner left.

"Who are you?"

Captain thought that would be pretty obvious. The blond Nord was obviously another Stormcloak that looked nothing like a stormcloak. Just as she was about to go back to pondering about who to kill first, something strange assaulted her eyes.

The prisoner in front of her changed. While there first stood a Nord, there now stood a Breton- No wait, it was a Kaljhit now! Captain watched with widened eyes as the prisoner transformed from one race to another, each being shown by him looking up and down quickly before shifting onto the next race.

There wasn't even a transformation sequence. One minute he was a tall Redguard, and the next he was scarwny Wood Elf. After a few more minutes of deliberation, which also included him changing into a female for a minute or so before changing back, he finally stopped at Imperial.

Captain turned back to look at Hadvar and the other soldiers to see their reaction, but there was none. All the Soldier's waited patiently for the transformation to continue, some even eating a sweet roll while they observed. Hadvar continued to stare down the list like a ponce and didn't even so much as glance upwards.

With the race decided, it now came to the features. She saw it (She wasn't going to call it he) change hairstyles from balding to ponytail, from stubble to full blown braided beard and moustache. Scars came and went across its eyes and cheeks, along with hair and eye color. It was only after a few minutes of this before it stopped.

It was also after this long process that Hadvar decided to finally look up,"You're a long way from the Imperial City. What are you doing in Skyrim?" Hadvar turned to his commanding officer, "Captain, what should we do? He's not on the list."

Fun fact: Her real name actually is Captain. Obviously her parents knew she was meant for greatness and so they named her accordingly. Hell/Oblivion, she'd all but proven it when she bravely ordered her parents to distract the Dominion forces invading her home (i.e lock them out of the cellar door when she got in) while she formulated a tactical counterattack (i.e Cower like an ant about to be stomped while crying her eyes out).

It was on that day that she knew that she had a knack for making good choices. The fact that the dominion left her house soon afterwards while only pelting about 50 fireballs apiece to her long dead parents was practically proof of that. Most people only got 5 fireballs. Even the Dominion thought she was special.

And so she made the choice,

"Forget the list, he goes to the block!" She couldn't let this...thing walk around Skyrim.

"By your orders, Captain," He sighed and turned back to the prisoner, "I'm sorry, we'll make sure your remains are returned to Cyrodiil."

Captain smiled to herself. She'd solved the issue with the execution lineup and she was doing the world a favor to boot. She felt like she was on top of the world.

Now if only that weird growling from the sky would stop.