Lyall: Woot, rewrite! Yep, a rewrite of a ToS parody-thingy. ...Well, more like a complete redo. As usual, my brother is helping. He helps on comedy-based things. I suck at comedy. I enjoy it, though. AND FOR YER INFORMATION, I DO SOME COMEDY THINGS. Like in this review for my Fire Emblem fanfic, this person said I didn't do most of it! LIES. I do some of the greatest laughs, actually. (feels proud)
Colette: Yay, rewrite! (trips over nothing)
Genis: That's our Colette...
Zelos: That's my cute, angelic hunny! (heart)
Sheena: Ugh, you even hit on an ironing board?
Colette: What's an ironing board?
Lloyd: A board...that IRONS! I need to go buy me one of those.
Lyall: Umm, whom should have the displeasure of doing the disclaimer...Kratos! He needs to lighten up, anyways. (actually hardcore Kratos fan)
Kratos: ...
Lyall: ...Rats. YUAN!
Yuan: ...What? (watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre")
Lyall: Disclaimer.
Yuan: She doesn't own Tales of Symphonia. There. (goes back to TV) AHAHA HE DIED!
---
UBER PROLOGUE:
There was a tree that made stuff live. Bad people made it stop breathing. A good guy died to save the tree. A goddess got sad. She told the half-e--angels
"Wake me up, or you die."
Half-e--ANGELS made two special people that could do stuff when they went into a big tower. It was so big it went to Pluto. And that started the field trip into the sky.
-
'One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. A B C D E--'
(WHAM)
A glue gun connected with the face of Lloyd.
"AAUGH! WHY'D YOU DO DAT? I was singing my ABCs," Lloyd cried.
"Why do you sing the alphabet during your SLEEP?" Raine barked. "I'm in the middle of a very important lecture!"
"If I don't recite them every day, I forget them," Lloyd replied.
"What an idiot...why am I best friends with him...?" Genis sighed.
"Okay, fine, Genis, you answer the question," Raine said, retrieving her glue gun.
"Yes, Raine," Genis said, standing up. "Pi is 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387--" He got cut off by a blinding flash of light.
"NO, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Lloyd jumped into a trash chute.
"Whoah, we have a trash chute?" Genis questioned out loud.
"Wow, the light hurts," Colette remarked.
"Uhh, that's the sun," Genis said. "The oracle's over there." He turned Colette's head towards the beam of light.
"Ohh," she mumbled.
"Everyone, that's the oracle," Raine announced. "I'll go check it out."
"I want to, too!" Colette chirped. "I wanna see shiny. Shiny is good. You taught me that. I like shiny."
"No, Colette, I'll go alone," Raine said. "If it was indeed the oracle, priests from the temple will fetch you." Raine ran out of the classroom.
"Now what?" Lloyd asked, head out of the chute.
"Uhh, Sis is checking out the Martel Temple, you smell like last week's lunch, and Colette can now use five words in a sentence."
"Whoah, isn't that a bit...uhh, much?" Lloyd asked. "I don't think her brain can take it."
"Nah, she only needs four pills now," Genis shrugged.
"Wow, Colette, you're amazing!" Lloyd cheered.
"Yep!" Colette smiled. "Let's go after the shiny. Shiny is good. Professor taught me that. I like shiny."
"Whoah, the Chosen CAN do anything!" Lloyd remarked, apparently amazed at Colette's...err, condition. "Anyways, I totally wanna check out the temple."
"Wow!" exclaimed Colette. "How can Lloyd use so--" She started drooling.
"It's okay, Colette, break it up into smaller sentences," Genis said.
"How can Lloyd. Use so many. Words in sentences?" Colette asked.
"I practice my Dwarven Vows", Lloyd smugly said.
"Don't you mean ABCs?" Genis sighed.
"Shut up, Genis!"
"You can use bad words. Too? I need forty more. Experience points to do that!" Colette gasped.
"Whoah, awesome!" Genis said, astonished. "How'd you get ten points so fast?"
"I pray," Colette answered. "Half point every praying. Took me ten days."
"Awesome, Colette," Lloyd replied. "Anyways, let's go to the temple."
"No, Lloyd! My sis said to stay put!" Genis protested.
"Oh, Colette, there's SHINY at the temple," Lloyd said in a sing-song voice.
"Shiny?" Colette said, eyes wide. "I like shiny. Shiny is good. Professor taught me that. I want to see shiny. Shiny is friend." Colette skipped outside.
"You heard her, Genis," Lloyd said. "No stopping her now."
Genis sighed. "...Fine, but I'm not gonna be responsible."
"Relax!" Lloyd smiled. "We'll take a quick peek and be back here before the Professor catches us."
"Okay...," Genis mumbled.
Outside, Lloyd and Genis saw Colette staring at the sun. Again.
"Oracle shiny...," Colette commented.
"Colette, oracle THAT way," Lloyd sighed, then turned her head towards the temple.
"Ohh..."
"Hey, Colette, look. It's your father," Genis said, pointing east, where Frank, Colette's father, was walking towards the trio.
"Daddy!" Colette chirped. She'll keep chirping, so get used to it.
"Frank?" Genis said, puzzled. "Why are you here?"
"I came to deliver Colette's pills," he replied, then handed a pill package to Colette.
"...Vyaqra?" Colette said, trying her best to read.
"Sorry, angel, that's mine," Frank hastily said and quickly swapped the pills. "THIS is your jello."
"Yay!" Colette chirped and ate the jello.
"Why'd you give her jello?" Lloyd asked. "I wanted jello."
"You see, Colette can't eat anything harder than an apple, as she's missing thirty-five experience points. I have to grind her pills into some jello solution," Frank explained.
"Ohh...," the two boys replied.
"Anyways, you better watch out. There's monsters around," Frank warned the trio, then ran back home.
"All right, let's go!" Lloyd energetically said, punching the air.
"Okay, Lloyd, just one problem," Genis said. "We don't have any weapons...!"
"Don't worry, leave that to me!" Lloyd said. He snapped two branches off a nearby tree. "These are mine. Genis, get that brick and tie this yarn ball to it." Lloyd handed Genis a pink yarn ball. "Oh, and Colette, here's two Cheerios." He handed Colette two Cheerios.
"...These are blue," Colette said.
"Oh yeah, they've been in my pocket for a while. Might help you do some extra damage," Lloyd said.
"Okay!" Colette chirped. Yeah, get used to that.
"Uhh, Lloyd, I wouldn't call these weapons...," Genis sighed.
"Fine, we'll use you as a shield," Lloyd suggested.
"...Okay, I like my brick," Genis mumbled. The three then headed towards Iselia's northern gate, but all of a sudden...
"Crap, monster!" Lloyd exclaimed. The screen broke into lots of pieces, and the battle system appeared.
LLOYD
GENIS
COLETTE
vs
ZOMBIE
(LLOYD used TWIG BLADE!)
(ZOMBIE received 0.2 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used THROW: BRICK!)
(ZOMBIE received 8.3 DAMAGE!)
(COLETTE used CANCER CHEERIOS!)
(ZOMBIE received 9999 DAMAGE!)
(ZOMBIE got the status effect CANCER!)
(ZOMBIE died!)
(PARTY received ROTTING FLESH!)
"Whoo, we won!" Genis cheered.
"Uh oh, another one!" Colette cried. The battle screen popped up again.
LLOYD
GENIS
COLETTE
vs
ZOMBIE
GHOST
(LLOYD used STICK RAIN on ZOMBIE!)
(ZOMBIE received 0.8 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used STRANGLE on ZOMBIE!)
(ZOMBIE received 630 DAMAGE!)
(ZOMBIE died!)
(COLETTE used ROTTING CHEERIO on GHOST!)
(GHOST received 3.333... DAMAGE!)
(GHOST used TSUKIYOMI on LLOYD!)
(LLOYD received 9999 DAMAGE!)\
(LLOYD got the status effect BLACKOUT!)
(LLOYD died!)
(COLETTE used LIFE BOTTLE on LLOYD!)
(LLOYD regained consciousness!)
(LLOYD used TREE FANG on GHOST!)
(GHOST received 1.07 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used FLAMING YARN OF PINK!)
(GHOST received 402.9317 DAMAGE!)
(GHOST died!)
(PARTY received ROTTING BONE MARROW!)
(PARTY received REAPER CLOTH!)
Annoying to read, more annoying to type.
"Woohoo, we won! We ROCK!" Lloyd exclaimed.
"Whee!" Colette chirped ('Chirped' will be the verb I use for Colette 50 percent of the time).
"Now let's go to the temple!" Lloyd said. The three ran off towards the light-emanating Martel Temple.
Meanwhile, on a planet of floating, purpley mana that was hidden from sight...
"Hey, you in position?" asked a female-looking blond dude wearing too much spandex in his AWESOMELY RETRO walkie-talkie.
"Yes, General Manwhore," replied a voice from the walkie-talkie.
"I AM NOT A MANWHORE!" screamed the blondie.
"Yes you are. Anyways, since I complimented you, I better get a raise," said the other voice.
"SHUT UP! Well, at least you didn't call me something like 'Commander Ass-for-brains.'"
"Oh, you found out your nickname."
"WAT?"
"Nothing."
Back to Sylvarant.
Along the way, Lloyd and co. fought a few wild rabbits, wolves, hawks, and the occasional bee on steroids.
"Phew, we finally made it," Lloyd sighed.
"Shiny..." Colette was staring at the sun again.
"No, Colette, the oracle's over there," Genis said, turning Colette's head towards the beam of light on the Martel Temple.
"Ohh..."
"Hey, something's happening up there," Lloyd said.
"I hear swords," Colette said.
"Let's go, then!" Lloyd said. The three ran up the stairs, and saw dead priests and people wearing red, black, and silver.
"OMIGAWD!" Genis gasped.
"IT'S SANTA!" Colette chirped.
"No, they're Desians!" Genis snapped.
"Uhh, don't we have a treaty with them?" Lloyd scratched his head.
"Yeah! But then...why are they attacking?" Genis questioned.
"Where is the Chosen?" a man asked. He had a ghetto goatee and was wearing a pimp toga. Apparently, he was the leader of these Desians.
"Colette, whom is actually the Chosen but I'm not going to tell Botta here, run!" an old hag a.k.a. Phaidra near the temple entrance shouted.
"Ah, so that girl is the Chosen," Botta said. "SEIZE HER!"
LLOYD
GENIS
COLETTE
vs
FOOT SOLDIER x3
(LLOYD used STEM BLADE on FOOT SOLDIER 1!)
(FOOT SOLDIER 1 received 30.9 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used BRICK SMASH on FOOT SOLDIER 1!)
(FOOT SOLDIER 1 received 42.17 DAMAGE!)
(FOOT SOLDIER 1 died!)
(COLETTE used CANCER CHEERIO on FOOT SOLIDER 2!)
(FOOT SOLIDER 2 received 9999 DAMAGE!)
(FOOT SOLIDER got the status effect CANCER!)
(FOOT SOLIDER 2 died!)
(FOOT SOLDIER 3 used SLASH on LLOYD!)
(LLOYD received 67 DAMAGE!)
(LLOYD used SPLINTER on FOOT SOLDIER 3!)
(FOOT SOLDIER 3 received 102 DAMAGE!)
(FOOT SOLDIER 3 got the status effect SPLINTER!)
(FOOT SOLDIER 3 died!)
(PARTY received DIRTY UNDERWEAR x2!)
(PARTY received BOTTLE OF MANSWEAT!)
"Damn...," Botta cursed. "Get them, Vidarr!" A fat, mammoth-like guy wearing a belly-button shirt and wielding a ball-and-chain emerged from the temple.
"I'll kill you!" he said. Woo, battle system.
LLOYD
GENIS
COLETTE
vs
VIDARR
(LLOYD used STICK POKE!)
(VIDARR received 0.004 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used THROW: BRICK!)
(VIDARR received 3 DAMAGE!)
(COLETTE used CHEERIO THRUST!)
(VIDARR received 2.5 DAMAGE!)
(VIDARR used BARF on PARTY!)
(PARTY received 199 DAMAGE!)
(PARTY is in CRITICAL HEALTH!)
"Damn, he's too strong," Lloyd panted.
"EEEEEWWWW!" Genis cried.
"Shiny...!" Colette said.
"Colette, that's the sun. Again," Genis sighed.
"Prepare to meet your maker!" Vidarr boomed and threw his ball-and-chain at the two heroes and half heroine. Lloyd and Genis braced themselves, but nothing hit them. Colette continued to stare at the sun. When Lloyd looked up, he saw a man clad in purple.
"...What...?" Lloyd said, surprised.
LLOYD
GENIS
COLETTE
MYSTERY DUDE (who is SUPPOSED to be question mark question mark question mark, but I can't type (I changed it to a single question mark, but parentheses-then-question-mark doesn't WORK)
vs
VIDARR
(LLOYD used APPLE GEL!)
(LLOYD regained 150 HEALTH!)
(GENIS used APPLE GEL!)
(GENIS regained 150 HEALTH!)
(COLETTE used ELIXIR!)
(COLETTE regained ALL HEALTH!)
(COLETTE got the status effect DIARRHEA!)
(COLETTE fled!)
(MYSTERY DUDE used UBERNESS!)
(VIDARR received 9999 DAMAGE!)
(VIDARR died!)
(PARTY received BALL-AND-CHAIN!)
(PARTY received TOOTH!)
(PARTY recieved VIKING HELMET!)
"Damn, never thought I'd see you here. Retreat for now!" Botta commanded. He and his troops fled.
"Wow...he's amazing!" Genis gasped, in awe of the new guy.
"Yeah!" Colette chirped.
"Pssh, he ain't THAT great...," Lloyd scoffed.
"So...this girl is the next Chosen," the mystery man said.
"Yes," confirmed Phaidra. "There were priests that were supposed to accompany Colette into the temple, but the Desians killed them."
"All right, then! Genis and I will help Colette through the temple!" Lloyd happily said.
"...You and Genis, Lloyd? I'm sorry, but there's a height requirement to enter the Martel Temple," Phaidra explained. She then pointed towards a sign with a mark at six feet. It read:
You must be at least six feet to enter the Martel Temple. Unless you're the Chosen.
"Why do you think the pastors wear such big hats?" scoffed Genis. "Don't you listen in class?"
"Hey, I'm six feet!" shouted Lloyd.
"Not really," Phaidra sighed. "You're five feet eight."
"...Your name...is Lloyd?" the purple man questioned out loud, apparently by accident.
"TELL ME YOUR NAME, AND I'LL TELL YOU MINE!" Lloyd shouted.
"I already know your name," the auburn-haired man sighed. "My name is Kratos. I am a traveling mercenary, and I just happened to come across this area."
"KRATOS? WHAT A GAY NAME!" Lloyd screamed. "LLOYD IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN KRATOS!"
"I wanna see shiny...!" Colette cried.
"Uh oh, we better get inside quick, or Colette's going to snap," Phaidra warned the others. "Kratos, I'll hire you to make sure Colette's okay. Genis, ride on Lloyd's shoulders. Then you'll be high enough."
"I have no objections," Kratos said dully.
"Woo, I get to see the temple!" Lloyd cheered.
"Aw man...," whined Genis.
Colette was now staring at the sun.
"Uh, Colette, you're staring at the sun again," Genis said.
"...Oh."
"Hey, Kratos isn't six feet!" Lloyd screamed. "SO HE CAN'T COME!"
"Actually, I'm six foot one," Kratos replied.
"DAMNIT!"
"Uh, by the way, Lloyd, can I take the ball-and-chain? I don't wanna use this brick and yarn anymore," Genis said.
"Hmph, fine, but we have to keep the brick. It's awesome."
"Can we get going already?" Kratos sighed.
"Yeah, to the temple!" Lloyd exclaimed. "Okay, Genis, get on."
"With this ball-and-chain...?"
"I can always ride on you."
"...I'm getting on."
"There you go!"
"HURRY UP ALREADY...!" Kratos shouted. He and Colette were already inside.
"Wow, I'm actually the Chosen!" Colette gasped in utter amazement.
Lloyd and Genis then quickly entered as well.
---
Lyall: ...Aww, it's not as funny as we intended...
Lloyd: No kidding.
Lyall: But whatever. I'm proud of the battle system. (happy) Woot!
Colette: ...Cancer Cheerios...? That's creepy.
Zelos: I know, like totally!
Sheena: (bored) When can I be in the story?
Presea: When you try to kill the Chosen's group.
Lyall: (can no longer rant) DANG IT!