Live in the Moment
Opening the door to her hotel room, Captain Susan Ivanova stepped inside and glanced around. The place certainly wasn't much to look at. The drab grey walls were cracked and stained, with what, it was probably better not to know. The furniture consisted of a lumpy looking bed, a small table and a single chair.
At least it had a bathroom. Crossing the tiny room in two quick strides she flipped the switch that brought up the lights inside the attached bath and just as quickly turned them off again. Technically it qualified as a bathroom, but it certainly wasn't a place to linger.
Turning back to the room itself, the frown on her face deepened. This miserable excuse for a hotel room with a bed, a bath and absolutely no other amenities had cost almost a month's worth of credits! It wasn't even in a good part of town. Her own quarters were downright luxurious in comparison, and considering how tight space always was aboard ship, that was saying something.
She sighed and began to unfasten her uniform jacket. Taking it off, she tossed it across the chair and sat down on the bed with her back to the wall. Ugh! The mattress felt as if it was stuffed with rocks. Thank goodness she didn't have any intention of actually sleeping on the thing. She had other plans for this night, if fate would cooperate.
She knew she shouldn't be surprised that the place was such a dump. Space on the Brakiri home world was at a premium tonight, and she was darned lucky to get anything at all, especially as she hadn't been able to start looking for something until a few days ago when permission to leave her ship finally came through. If she'd been able to start hunting for a room sooner, she might have found someplace a bit nicer, but she supposed it didn't really matter in the end. The place was irrelevant. What mattered was the company, and there was no way to be sure of that in advance. She had no choice but to wait and see what would happen. If anything did.
Her emotions jangled like keys on a ring. Would everything she'd gone through to get here be worth it? It hadn't been easy to get off the ship even for a single night, particularly since she really didn't feel like giving anyone an explanation for why she needed the night off. But in the end, her rank, spotless record and connections in high places had done the trick. Pulling strings was something she usually avoided like the plague, but this was an opportunity that she sure as hell wasn't about to miss. It wouldn't come again during her lifetime.
Now if only the legends were true. The Brakiri Day of the Dead. Odd that the festival was called the Day of the Dead when it was apparently the night that counted. She glanced at the built in chronometer on the wall. Eight minutes until official sundown.
She jumped to her feet and paced over to the small window, pushing aside the greasy curtain and looking out over the city. The sun was slowly dropping behind the buildings, casting an orange glow over everything. It wouldn't be long now until she knew the truth one way or the other.
It all sounded rather implausible, and yet obviously this entire civilization believed it, and swore that it would happen for anyone who spent the night within their borders. They were quite clear on that point. You didn't have to be a Brakiri to be visited by the dead. Of course, Brakiri or not, no one could summon a visitation if the desired person didn't want to make an appearance.
Susan frowned once more. It would be just like him not to come after she'd gone to all this trouble. He never could seem to follow the rules and do what was expected. So annoying, so unpredictable, so… Her eyes prickled with unwanted tears and she blinked them angrily away. Oh, please let him come.
Suddenly the air in the room felt heavier, fuller. Susan brought her eyes to focus once more on the view. The sun was down; gazing inward, she'd missed its setting, and now the entire landscape outside her window seemed to shimmer with some strange distortion.
A shiver ran through her and, though she wasn't sure what had alerted her, she knew that she was no longer alone in the room. Someone stood behind her, just out of reach. Now that the moment had come, she found herself afraid to turn around. What if it wasn't him? What if…?
"Hello, Susan."
Relief flooded through her as she heard his familiar voice. The legends were true. She closed her eyes for a brief moment in silent thanks to the Universe for just this once granting her request. Then taking a deep breath that shouldn't have been hers to breathe, she turned around and found herself face to face with Marcus Cole.
He looked just as he had the last time she saw him alive, which made sense she supposed. Did the passage of time affect the dead? She mentally shook that thought away. It really didn't matter. The passage of time affected her, and she'd waited long enough for this moment.
Smiling sweetly, Susan said, "You came."
Marcus smiled in return. "Of course I came."
Smile firmly fixed, Susan took a step closer, then another until they were but an arm's length apart. "Well, I'm very glad you did because I owe you something for saving my life."
Marcus shook his head. "You don't owe me anything."
"Oh, I think I do, you bastard!" Dropping the smile and letting grim determination fill her voice, she swung hard and hit him with a right cross to the jaw. His head snapped audibly back and he dropped to the floor unconscious.
Susan shook her numb fingers and grimaced. "Ow! Damn it! That hurt, Marcus. Marcus?" She looked down at his sprawled form and her heart skipped a beat. "Aw, hell!" He'd better only be unconscious because she had a whole lot more stored up to say to him, and he wasn't going to weasel out of hearing it by dying all over again.
Kneeling, she pressed her fingers to his throat and felt the steady beat of a pulse. Relief flooded through her, followed by a wave of sadness as she realized that the pulse that felt so strong and real was only temporary, and there was nothing that could change that. She sighed and caressed his cheek softly.
"Oh, Marcus… Who'd have thought that one punch would be enough? I thought all you ranger types were supposed to be tough guys, but I suppose you never really fit that mold, did you?"
Climbing to her feet again, she moved to the bed and sat down to wait until he woke up. If he took too long about it she could always douse him with cold water, but she'd wait a few minutes first. It would give her a chance to work on her speech.
When Marcus came to a few moments later, Susan got to her feet and stood over him. Rubbing his sore chin, he pushed himself up to a sitting position. "I guess you're right. You did owe me that."
"Damned right, I did!" Susan exclaimed as she reached down and helped him to his feet. "Did you ever stop and think for one moment how it would make me feel to have you trade your life for mine? You had no right to do what you did! You had no right to decide for me. You had no right to die for me and saddle me with all this guilt! I had enough guilt in my life all ready, you know. The last thing I needed was for you to pile on any more."
Marcus nodded solemnly and looked ashamed. "I know. You're right. I didn't think it through. It's always been one of my worst failings. I just couldn't bear to have someone I care about die in front of me once again when there was something I could do to prevent it. You didn't deserve to die."
"You didn't deserve to die either!" she shouted in frustration.
He smiled wryly and shrugged. "Perhaps not but someone had to. I'm ashamed to say that I took the easier road and decided that it should be me. I'm sorry. You're absolutely right. I shouldn't have interfered."
She opened her mouth and stared at him for a moment, then abruptly she kicked over the spindly bedside table and whirled away from him.
"Damn it, Marcus, you're not supposed to agree with me! I've been working up to telling you off for weeks."
He nodded. "Ah, of course, and here I am being selfish again. Please, do go on. Don't let me throw you off your stride."
Rubbing a weary hand across her face, she just sighed and shook her head. This wasn't going quite the way she'd envisioned it, but then, when had any conversation with Marcus gone the way she expected. Even dead, the man was so… so… irritating! She stomped back to the bed and sat down, rubbing at her temple where a headache threatened to bloom.
"What did you think would happen when you showed up here? Surely you didn't think I'd shower you with my eternal gratitude, did you?" she asked.
He sank into the room's only chair, picking up her jacket and folding it carefully on his lap before shaking his head. "No, not at all. I knew you'd be upset, though you are taking it better than I expected."
"Oh? What did you expect me to do?"
He shrugged. "I didn't really expect you to stop at one punch." He rubbed at his sore jaw. "Though I'm rather glad you did."
She grimaced. "Does it hurt much?"
"Only when I smile," he said lightly. "Actually, it's rather nice to feel pain again."
"Nice?"
"Well, in a nostalgic sort of way."
"You don't? I mean…" She groped for a tactful way to ask what it was like to be dead, decided there wasn't one, and let her sentence drift off unfinished.
"No. Physical sensation isn't… Well, I can't really say any more. There are rules, you see."
"About discussing…"
"Yes."
"And you're not allowed…"
"No, afraid not. Sorry."
"Okay."
They stared awkwardly at each other for a moment before she asked, "Why did you come tonight? Did you have to? Is it somehow required for you to go and haunt someone from your life? You had to know I'd just yell at you."
"I rather assumed you would, yes, but I also knew you needed to. How could I deprive you of the opportunity to get it all out? No, I didn't have to come, not the way you mean, but yes, I had to come. If that makes any sense at all."
"I guess it does."
Marcus leaned forward and stared at her earnestly. "I really am sorry for overstepping my bounds. For hurting you and making you feel guilty. That was never my intention. I just couldn't face any more time standing around watching you die by inches. It was driving me insane.
"When I learned that there was something I could do that might help. Something that could save you, I didn't stop to think out all of the consequences. I just knew that it meant you'd survive. Nothing was more important to me than that."
He dropped his gaze, knowing she didn't want to hear this, but he felt compelled to say it anyway. After all, when was he going to get another chance?
"The simple truth is that I love you, Susan. I love you, and I placed more value on your life than on my own. I'd been racing through life not caring for much of anything ever since my brother died. You were the first person to come along who truly mattered to me. I couldn't let you die if there was something I could do to prevent it."
He gave her a wistful, slightly lopsided grin. "It'll probably sound silly to you, but you're more "alive" than anyone else I've ever known. You never do anything by halves. Everything you do, you do full out. Something drives you to do more, be more, succeed where others fail. If only one of us could live, I figured you'd make much more of that life than I would."
He shrugged and his smile widened. "And I was right, at least about that. You have a second chance, Susan, however you got it. Don't waste it being angry at me or feeling guilty when you have no reason to. The choice, and the responsibility for it, was mine, not yours. You couldn't love me, but there's bound to be someone else out there for you. You have a new command, your own ship." He caressed the insignia on her uniform jacket and carefully hung it over the chair back. "You're Captain Susan Ivanova now, and you deserve it. You should just go on with your life and make the most of it."
He jumped to his feet and went to stand in front of her. "And on that note, we should probably get on with things. After all, you only have until dawn to work out your frustrations on me, so…" He stuck out his chin and struck a pose. "…you get one more free shot, and I guarantee not to fold up like a house of cards this time."
She smiled in spite of herself, reached up, grabbed his wrist and pulled him down to sit beside her. "You nut. I can't hit you now. The moment's passed and besides…" She shook her hand and flexed the fingers. "…my fingers still hurt from the last punch."
He nodded. "Perhaps you're out of practice. I guess being a ship's captain doesn't give you as many opportunities to…" He stopped as he noticed her eyes narrowing.
"Opportunities to what?"
"Nothing. I was just babbling. Sorry, bad habit when I'm nervous. I thought I might get over that, being dead and all, but I guess not. Well, if you aren't going to beat me into a pulp then what should we do? We have all night. It would be a shame to waste it."
Her cheeks flushed slightly and she looked down at her hands for a moment. "You know you're wrong about… that is I did… do…" She shook her head and grimaced. "Damn, talking about this is harder than I thought it would be."
He nodded in sympathy. "I understand. Are you sure you don't want to just hit me again. I wouldn't mind. Really. It's one of the perks of being dead… no bruises."
She turned and looked at him for a brief moment before exclaiming, "Oh, hell…" in a strangled tone. Then she threw herself into his arms and kissed him firmly on the lips. He gave a startled yelp, gathered her in and kissed her back, but her momentum pushed them right off the bed and onto the floor, their mouths still locked together, his body beneath hers.
They lay on the floor for a long while, deepening their kiss into a long, slow and thorough exploration of each other. When they finally broke apart, Susan smiled at Marcus and said, "That was nice."
He chuckled lightly. "Don't sound so surprised. I have kissed people before. I just haven't… um, you know."
"Yes, you told me."
He brushed a straying lock of hair back from her face, looped it around her ear and then cupped her face gently in his palm. "It's not as if I don't know the theory. I have seen other people doing it."
Her eyebrows rose. "You've watched people having sex?"
A flush stained his cheeks and he squirmed uncomfortably as she gaped at him. "Well, yes…"
An explanation occurred to her. "You mean pornography? I wouldn't have thought you were the type."
"I'm not, really. Actually, it wasn't pornography. You see, I was on a mission collecting information, and I was searching someone's hotel room. My quarry came back earlier than I expected, and he wasn't alone. If I hadn't hidden under the bed, they'd have found me."
Susan smiled and rolled off Marcus to lie beside him on the floor. "You voyeur, you. Under the bed?"
He pushed himself up on an elbow and grinned down at her. "It was the closest place I could find. Not terribly comfortable though, what with getting a spring jabbed into my back every time they… Why? What would you have done?"
"Probably the same thing, though I'd have opted for the closet, if possible. Less… uncomfortable." Then another thought occurred to her. "If you were under the bed, how did you see them, uh… together?"
"There was this rather large mirror, you see and…"
She held up a hand. "Never mind, I get the idea."
Then her smile faded and she reached up and stroked his beard. You know it's way past time you got to put that theory and observation into practice."
"I'd like that." Then his smile dimmed. "But are you sure? In a few hours I'll be gone and you'll…" His voice trailed off.
"Have a wonderful memory," she said firmly.
He laughed. "Sure, you say that now."
"Don't sell yourself short. I'm sure you can learn a lot by watching others." She smirked as the flush rose in his cheeks again.
"Actually, the angle wasn't really that good, and I didn't…," he began.
"Marcus."
"Yes?"
"Just shut up and kiss me."
He did as she requested. When they came up for air once more, he murmured, "Don't you think we'd be more comfortable on the bed?"
"You haven't spent any time on it," she said with a smile. Nevertheless they got up from the floor and began to remove each other's clothes.
Once they were naked on the bed, Marcus followed Susan's lead, but she didn't have to lead him too closely, obviously his observations had shown him the way rather well. He explored her body with warm lips and gentle hands, and she let him go wherever his desires led him and tried not to think about the fact that this would be the only chance they would ever have to be together.
Their first time was slightly awkward as first times tend to be, but they got it right in the end. Pleasantly drained and lethargic, their bodies wanted nothing more than to twine around each other and sleep, but they both knew the cost of such an indulgence. Each passing moment was one they would never see again as seconds became minutes which folded into hours as the planet beneath them followed its eternal nighttime journey toward the dawn.
After as brief a rest as they could stand, and a longer, slower build up than before, he entered her body for the second time, and they moved as one to a mutually satisfying release.
This time as they lay together sated and relaxed, he pressed his lips to her hair and inhaled its clean fragrance. Then he tightened his arms around her and asked, "Earlier, before you made me happier than I've ever been, you were trying to say something to me. What was it?"
Susan nodded and idly carded her fingers through the dark hair on his chest. "When you were explaining why you traded places with me. You said I couldn't love you, but that's not true. I knew I could. That's why I always pushed you away."
"I don't understand."
"I was afraid. I'm not good with relationships, Marcus. I've always managed to choose the wrong people to love, and it's always ended badly. Finally I gave up on the whole business. By the time I met you, I'd already decided that it wasn't for me. I tried really hard not to notice you, not to be attracted to you, but despite my resolve, I did come to care about you. I just couldn't admit it… even to myself."
She turned in his embrace so she could look into his eyes.
"Even though I knew deep in my heart that you weren't the sort of man to hurt me and just walk away, I was too afraid to take another chance. So I kept you at arm's length. Then suddenly I was dying." She shook her head and smiled wryly. "And you made me mad as hell by being all noble and exchanging your life for mine, leaving me with a debt I could never repay and all these damned, churned up feelings. Then I was alone, and it was too late."
His eyes glistened in the dim light of the room. "I'm sorry, Susan. That wasn't fair of me."
"No, it wasn't." She smiled a sad, wistful smile and leaned in to kiss him softly. "But tonight has helped to put a lot of the pain to rest, and I'm so glad we've had these few hours together. I do love you, Marcus Cole. I don't know if we could have made a go of it or not, but I care about you very deeply, and I wanted you to know that."
He smiled a soft radiant smile that she knew would stay with her to the end of her days. "Thank you, Susan. That means everything to me."
As she returned his smile, a strange, heavy feeling washed over her and she knew without being told that his time was almost up. She pulled him close and kissed him desperately and for a moment, he responded with so much passion her head began to swim, then in an instant, his solid body dissolved in her arms, and she was left alone with nothing but her memories and the faint hint of his scent lingering on the pillow.
As the warm light of dawn filtered through the window pane, she rolled over and stared up at the dingy ceiling and let hot, cleansing tears flow down her face and peace finally fill her heart.
"Good-bye, Marcus," she whispered softly. "And thank you."