Most of the time it hurt for Severus to look at Harry Potter. All he could remember is Lupin harping about how much Harry favoured his father except for his eyes; he has his mother's eyes. Every bit of Snape wanted to wrap his hands around Lupin's neck and strangle the werewolf until he died, damn it.
The mere sight of Potter both made Severus ache and yearn at the same time. To see Lily's eyes on a face that so resembled James Potter's made him want to curse Potter and hold Potter at the same time.
He remembered when Potter first came to Hogwarts and the anger he felt. He was angry until he heard Potter laugh for the first time. Severus' heart thumped painfully in his chest and he had to look away. He remembered Dumbledore catching his gaze for a split second and the veiled pity annoyed Severus. He shifted his gaze away from Dumbledore and it fell back onto Harry Potter, who had a small grin on his face that was mischievous and so very James Potter that Severus couldn't stay anymore. He still saved Potter's life however, because he couldn't bear to see the last of Lily die.
He remembered when he first realized that Potter and his friends were just as foolish as his father and his followers. They stalked after Draco Malfoy and were convinced that he was the Heir of Slytherin. His stupidity was more than infuriating, so Severus sought out to teach him a lesson; scare him enough to force him to not be as bloody carefree. He found out that Potter was a Parseltongue, and he knew that Potter wouldn't rest until he had proven himself. The old hate he had for bloody Gryffindors resurfaced when Severus heard he had recovered the Weasley girl in a blaze of heroic glory. He drank until he didn't have to think anymore. At the leaving feast Potter pinned him with a blazing and defiant glare that he couldn't loathe, not really. He almost decided to smirk back, but couldn't make himself do it. He wasn't even sure why he thought about it. He wished that Potter wouldn't take it upon himself to be the hero and save everyone, but it really was to be expected. James Potter would endanger people then rescue them to make himself look better, and Lily would try to save people who couldn't be saved. It was only in Potter's blood to help.
So Severus would simply have to watch over him.
Sirius bloody Black.
He remembered how unaccountably angry he was when he first read that Black had escaped. Black. He felt a twinge of guilt that after all these years he still refused to acknowledge. He tried to punish Potter enough to keep him from running right into Black's arms where he, too, would be betrayed and murdered.
As much as he tried to stop it, Potter decided to do it anyway. Severus was convinced that it had something to do with Lupin, and he was unsurprised to find both Black and Lupin cosy in the Shrieking Shack. He wanted to kill Black, and Lupin for good measure, but Potter cursed him and he couldn't help but feel a little betrayed.
When he woke back up Potter, Granger, and Weasley were in the hospital wing, Black was about to be given the Kiss, and he was going to be given an Order of Merlin. Seconds later, Black was gone. It was all over. Severus couldn't help but retaliate by telling everyone that Lupin was a werewolf. He could feel Potter's angry stare but he refused to pay him any mind. Potter's alive, and that's really all that mattered.
Severus remembered the moment he was hit with the stunning realization that Potter didn't want his fame. With the surprise of being a Triwizard Champion thrust upon him, the lost and scared look in his eyes when he stood alone in the trophy room was enough to tell him that Potter didn't want any of it.
Potter wanted to be a normal teenage boy who didn't have to worry about anything but his next exam. He tried not to feel pity for the boy, but it was much harder than he thought. Potter didn't want the popularity his father had won in Hogwarts, and he didn't want the reputation his mother had earned. He just wanted to be Harry. Not Harry Potter, just Harry.
Severus found himself standing up for Potter, and after that Dumbledore told him up front that he wasn't allowed to attempt to befriend the boy. Severus knew that it wouldn't be a good idea, that Draco wouldn't hesitate to report it all back to Lucius. So Severus allowed himself to be just as horrible, if not more so, to Potter.
There were dragons first, than hours under the lake, and Severus couldn't believe that Dumbledore was allowing his prize pupil to risk his life more than necessary. Potter seemed to be taking it all in stride, even when his best friend Weasley abandoned him, and the only one who was on his side was Granger, he never gave up. Severus held a deep form of admiration for the boy, even if he would never admit it to anyone else.
The maze was the most terrifying. Screams and bright flashes of light came from the vast folds of thick hedge, and soon only Potter and Diggory were left inside. Agonizing moments ticked by before Potter appeared, clutching Diggory's dead body and crying in a way that demonstrated his utter despair.
Severus was quick to leave the scene and grasped his aching forearm. He quickly made his way to Dumbledore's office and waited there. It was a long time before Dumbledore appeared, requesting he bring Veritaserum to Mad Eye's office.
Potter was there, shivering and wearing a vacant expression. Moody turned out to not really be Moody, and Dumbledore told him to go back to Voldemort. Potter favoured him with a flat look before Severus left.
Not for the first time, he was frightened.
He remembered when he realized that Potter wasn't a boy anymore. It was a realization that he didn't want to think about because he couldn't. After a long summer of torturing and relaying information, to come back to Hogwarts to find a moody and depressed Harry Potter screaming at his friends and being generally unpleasant was a wake up call. Puberty was really taking its toll, apparently. It also annoyed Severus because Potter had no right to suffer from depression at this point; that was for after the bloody war.
When Dumbledore asked him to teach Potter Occlumency, he wanted to refuse. He didn't want Potter to scream at him because it was really his job to scream at people. He really didn't have a choice, however, and Occlumency lessons began.
He remembered Potter wriggling on the floor, sweating heavily and whimpering as Severus entered his mind. He hated this because he felt he was raping Potter, but the boy didn't seem to think of it this way. When Severus would let off Potter would drag himself up on his knees, try his best to catch his breath, and growl 'Again'.
And so Severus would do it again, trying not to focus on one embarrassing memory any longer than another. He could hear his own voice echoing around Potter's skull hollowly, and a tense burn of longing gripped his stomach. He was forced from Potter's mind and he stumbled back against his desk.
Potter was staring up at him angrily, a flush of embarrassment on his face that was distorted by anger. He was shaking with fury, and Severus honestly didn't know what to think. "That's enough for today," he snapped, and Potter quickly scrambled to his feet, leaving in a huff.
The next few lessons were proof enough that Potter was no longer trying to hide his thoughts and memories from Severus, and the thought disturbed him. He could occasionally feel a welcoming wave of pleasure and he quickly retreated, sneering at Potter who simply squeezed his eyes closed and tried to catch his breath. Severus wasn't sure if this was a tactic he was using to force him to leave Potter alone, or…
…He didn't want to think of the alternative. "Potter there is no reason for you to continue coming if you refuse to do what I've instructed you to do," Severus finally said with a sigh, sitting down at his desk. "Out of my office."
"I am trying!" Potter argued as he climbed to his feet. He was angry, and he advanced on Severus in a menacing manor. "It's bloody hard! I can't just magically be able to live up to you ridiculous expectations, alright? I'm not magically more talented than everyone else. I would have thought that you, if no one else, would have understood that. You do seem to hate me more than normal people."
Severus wanted to laugh, but he was too annoyed. He noticed with badly concealed horror that Potter had an erection, and he tried not to react to that knowledge. He obviously didn't do a very good job, because Potter blushed deeply and dug his hands into his pockets, which he realized too late wasn't a very good idea.
The time after that was the most disturbing. He uncovered a fantasy of Potter's and the boy wouldn't let him leave. He watched an all-too familiar hand slide over Harry's chest and down over his crotch. Potter whimpered and arched into the hand, gasping over and over as nimble fingers traced his straining erection through his uniform trousers.
"Snape…" Severus attempted to pull out of the memory again, but he felt as the fantasy-Potter's hand wrap more tightly around his forearm. He watched as his own fingers carefully unzipped Potter's trousers and he slid his hand inside, pressing Potter even farther against the wall of the dungeon.
It wasn't long until Potter was meeting every stroke of fantasy-Snape's hand and he was coming with a badly-restrained cry. The force of Potter's orgasm ejected him from Potter's mind and he stumbled back, leaning against his desk and holding his shaking, come-soaked hand out in front of him as he watched Potter do up his trousers slowly.
"Get out," Severus snarled.
Potter sat up looking guilty but relaxed. "I didn't mean…"
"Out."
He heard rather than saw Potter leave, and he didn't come back. He heard Potter's godfather was murdered, but he couldn't find it in himself to pity Potter for yet another loss.
He remembered when he realized Potter was trying his best to trust him. He had once again shifted all of his focus to Draco Malfoy, and this time he had reason to suspect Draco. It seemed that Potter was always trailing after Draco, and a tight wave of jealousy filled his stomach when he thought that Potter might want Draco instead.
Potter tried to meet with him more than once, but he never allowed it. At Slughorn's party Potter had favoured him with a dark, yearning look and he almost retreated into the back of Slughorn's office so they could talk, but Draco appeared and Potter looked like he was about to request that Draco stay, so Severus asked to see him outside.
He didn't see Potter outside of class again until he gave him detention. He forced Potter to rewrite detention notices and he could tell that seeing his father and godfather's name was affecting him for a while, but he soon was calloused to it. Potter was too angry with him to try to attempt talking.
He heard that Potter and the youngest Weasley were dating, and he really wasn't surprised. They were the new Lily and James Potter, it seemed, and he tried not to think about it. He put special effort into avoiding Potter, but when he heard the shrieks of Moaning Myrtle proclaiming there had been murder in the dungeons, he knew who was involved.
When he saw Potter thrown over a furiously bleeding Draco Malfoy saying over and over that he didn't mean to do it, his first thought was if potter had somehow got the spell from his memory. Severus was quick to gather Draco into his arms and take him to the hospital wing. He was in shock, and simply made a clicking noise in the back of his throat.
By the time he returned to the flooded bathroom Potter was standing by the door soaking wet and hugging himself. He knew that Potter hadn't meant to kill Malfoy, but he hesitantly forced himself into Potter's mind. He saw a familiar book float across his mind and heard Potter's thoughts about the previous owner of the book being a very close friend throughout the year.
He knew when he sent Potter away to get the book that he wouldn't bring it back, just like he knew when Potter was sending curses in his direction with rage blazing in his eyes that he wasn't the only one who felt betrayed. Potter had tried his best to trust him, and in mere seconds he had betrayed that trust in Potter's eyes. He didn't have time to explain anything, and he'd rather not do it in the first place. Maybe the rage would be enough.
As he ran from Hogwarts with Draco at his side, he wasn't sure what would become of Potter or himself. Mostly he worried about Potter.
He didn't hear anything from Potter, but he really hadn't expected to. He probably wouldn't see Potter until he had a wand pointed to his throat. He wasn't surprised, however, when Potter appeared in the corner of his office, his invisibility cloak pooled around his feet. Severus eyed the cloak for a long moment, annoyed by how careless the boy was with it, before looking up at Potter in earnest.
He was drawn, as if he had been worrying about something very important for a very long time. His eyes were dark and hollow, and he appeared to have grown taller without correspondingly filling out. He looked dangerous with his wand dangling from his hand precariously.
"Snape," he snarled, and Severus didn't rise from his desk.
Severus simply raised an eyebrow and watched as tension rippled over Potter's body. "Why Mr. Potter, I don't recall us having an appointment."
Fury bubbled over in Potter's eyes and he strode across the room, dragging Severus out of his chair and throwing him against the wall. "You smug bastard. You think just because you're Voldemort's pet you're safe in your tower. You aren't."
"You really shouldn't say his name," Severus replied as he tried not to look into Potter's eyes. He was reminded of when he had called Lily a Mudblood, and it made his stomach twist uncomfortably.
"Stop," Potter snarled as he dug his wand into the underside of Severus' chin. His every pore was vibrating with tension, and he watched as something snapped behind Potter's eyes. He began to tremble as furious tears escaped his eyes, and he all but collapsed against Severus. "You…you betrayed us. How…how could you do that to Dumbledore? He trusted you…trusted you…"
The wand wasn't tight against his throat anymore, and Severus carefully wrapped his arms around Potter. "You have to know there's more behind…" he started, but Potter wasn't listening to him. He was clinging tightly to Severus and trying to force himself to stop crying. "You'll do fine Potter, you know this. The Dark Lord has followers, you have…" he couldn't say it, but Potter finished for him.
"…Friends." Potter shifted against Severus and he could feel his erection through his own volumes of robes and Potter's worn corduroys.
"Potter…" Severus protested, but it was weak. He allowed Potter to capture one of his hands and bring it to rest over his erection, forcing Severus' hand down the front of his trousers as he buried his face into his neck.
Severus efficiently jerked Potter off, the weak thrusting of Potter's hips enough for him to get hard as well. "I hate you," Potter ground out as he lifted his head, his eyes burning as they slid over his face before landing on Severus' thin lips. "I hate you so much."
All Severus could think was thin line and Potter was coming in the palm of his hand and kissing him fiercely, almost violently. He wasn't kissing back, because he wasn't sure he would allow Potter to leave if he did. The burn Potter's hesitant touch to his neck was enough to send Severus over the edge, and he came silently against his thigh. Potter didn't seem to notice either way, as he was too busy trying to catch his breath.
"I hate you," Potter repeated as he retreated, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself of the fact.
Severus held his breath for a moment before toning, "Of course you do. I'm the reason your parents are dead and I killed Dumbledore. Now get out of my office."
The all-too familiar anger flared in Lily Potter's eyes and Potter disappeared under James Potter's cloak.
He didn't see him again until he was dying. The snake had bit him and his head spun as blood rushed quickly from the open wound. Potter was looming over him as if he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be feeling. He bent over Severus and he took the chance to take hold of Potter's robes and pull him close.
"Take…it…Take…it…" Severus was offering up everything to Potter. The reasoning behind everything. He wasn't sure if it would change anything, but he wanted Potter to know the truth, even if it made Potter hate him even more. He wanted to know why he cared so much, even if he didn't show it.
Mostly, he wanted Potter to understand.
Severus' grip loosened a bit and he felt his heart skip a beat. Potter's eyes flashed with concern, concern he had seen flash in his mother's eyes so many times before. His eyes lowered to the flask in his hands and Severus choked for a moment before whispering, "Look…at…me…"
And Potter did. Suddenly it wasn't James Potter's son sitting there before him, but Lily Evans'. If Severus could have cried in that moment he would have. He was uncharacteristically warm all over as their eyes met, and seconds later it wasn't Harry sitting beside him but Lily. All was well.