What the hell am I doing with my life?!

Additional headcanon: I think they're about 14 in this. The superhero form makes them look older. So they look slightly different to how they do in canon.

(Ivan hasn't gotten his growth spurt yet. He's small and cute.)

(Arthur's eyebrows are still of manageable size.)

(Stuff like that.)

(Um.)

Panda Hero

"They call him the Panda Hero." Alfred F Jones slammed a bundle of paper down in front of his friend.

"Hmm?" Francis was abruptly brought out of a very pleasant daydream.

"That guy we saw on the news. He's the Panda Hero, with smoky eyes and a killer line drive! He fights crime and injustice and beats up all the bad guys! Woo yeah!" He started making superhero sound effects and was promptly smacked around the head by a paperback book wielded by the grumpy library assistant, who winced as his bruised arm played up again. All that crime-fighting was more trouble than it was worth sometimes.

"Idiot!" Arthur Kirkland – aka the Panda Hero – hissed. "We're in a library, this is no place for blathering on about that hooligan!"

"Hey, that's my hero you're talking about there!"

"Oh, mon petit lapin, you must relax, embrace the love, embrace the – ouch!"

Arthur turned red, though in response to which comment it was unclear.

"Keep your wandering hands to yourself; I'm not your damn rabbit!"

"Why don't you like the Panda Hero, Artie?"

"Don't call me that."

"Cool Artie, but why? I think he's awesome."

"He's no better than a common criminal! Fighting violence with more violence is never the answer: he should leave that sort of thing to the police, they get paid for it after all! And haven't I always said that you should never trust people in hoodies?!"

"Such passion, cher, why won't you –"

"Remove your hand from my leg right now or I can't be held responsible for what happens to it."

"Oh, are you talking about the Panda Hero? I heard that the thieves he beat up last night are still in hospital." The Chinese exchange student, Yao from Francis' history class, joined them.

"See?!" Arthur cried indignantly. "Wait, really?"

"Yes, one of them is in intensive care."

Arthur fell silent, trying not to let the guilt show on his face.

"Where's Braginsky anyway, Yao? Doesn't he always follow you around?" Alfred skilfully steered the conversation away from boring topics he had little vested interest in.

"He's coming." Yao laughed bitterly. "He always is. He just stalks me all day going on about 'becoming one with him' – whatever the hell that means."

"It means – cher lapin, would you kindly stop hitting me for just a minute, sil vous plait?!" Francis pouted.

"Only if you stop being a perverted frog." Arthur replied, idly flipping a page in his book and not bothering to look up.

"No chance of that then." Alfred quipped.

"Privyet, comrades!" A dark aura fell over the group.

"Hi Ivan," Arthur –did not squeak- nervously.

"I heard you all talking about the Panda Hero, da?"

"Da-um, I mean, yeah, we were, what's it to you?"

"Alfred, don't be rude."

"God, Artie, you sound like my mother!"

"Don't call me th- this is your last warning, Francis!"

Francis guiltily brought his hand back to his own end of the table.

"I am thinking you guys are funny, da?"

"Hey, didn't you actually meet the Panda Hero once?" Alfred asked.

"Oui, I heard that also."

"Is it true?"

Ivan appeared to think for a minute.

"Da, it is." He said finally.

Alfred's eyes lit up. Arthur inwardly panicked.

"But I am thinking that I should not be telling you, comrade. I am thinking that you do not like me very much. I am right, da?"

"B-but it's the Panda Hero!" Alfred whined.

"So?" Arthur replied snidely.

"Now, who's rude, Artie?"

"Oh, shut up."

"Just tell all, Ivan, otherwise he'll never leave you alone." Yao sighed. He really needed to find some new friends.

"I agree, dear Alfred can be very …. Persistent."

"Well that wasn't creepy at all, was it Francis?"

"Okay, I will tell all if I must, but only because you asked so nicely, my little Yao-Yao." Ivan smiled.

"I'm not your little anything…" 'Yao-Yao' muttered.

"Really dude? Awesome!" Alfred settled himself down in a spare chair and blinked expectantly up at the Russian.

Ivan took a deep dramatic breath and then begun.

"It was maybe a month ago now, maybe more, maybe less, but I am not sure. It was a very cold night, and I was new to the city. I had gotten lost on the way back to the apartment I share with my sisters, and it had just started to rain…"

Everyone surreptitiously leaned forward in their seats so as to hear the story better.

Ivan adjusted his scarf to try and shield more of his neck from the rain, shivering slightly. The shower had taken him by surprise on the way back to his apartment (he refused to call it home. Not yet), and he was soaked through. He picked up the speed as he passed by a couple of men at the mouth of the side street he had to pass through.

"Don't notice me, don't notice me…" He inwardly prayed as he hurried past them.

"Hey, hey you, kid!"

He walked faster.

"Hey kid, I'm talking to you!"

Maybe they would decide he wasn't worth the trouble?

One of them grabbed the end of his scarf and spun him around to face them.

"There now, we can talk better like this, can't we?" The man leered.

Ivan gulped. He knew he should have brought his pipe.

A dark shape flashed over the top of the alley. Nobody noticed.

"Now, what's a young boy like yourself doing out so late in the night?"

The man's companion was lifted up and disappeared up into the night, his legs pedalling madly in the air. Ivan registered this in a detached sort of way and giggled.

"Hey, what's so funny?" The man growled, giving a cursory glance over his shoulder and not even noticing the loss of his companion.

A figure detached from the shadows at the side of the alley, padding silently over to stand behind the man.

"Umm….er…."

"What, boy, Cat got your tongue?"

The figure tapped him on the shoulder, and he whirled around, alarmed.

But the mystery figure was already gone.

"W-what was that?" He shook Ivan. "Boy, did you see what that was?"

He was tapped on the shoulder again, and this time as he whirled around, the mystery figure punched him in the jaw. He went flying into the wall and crumpled to the ground, groaning. Ivan watched all this with wide eyes, suddenly afraid that he might have just swapped one difficult situation for another that was even more dangerous.

The new man sighed. "Oh dear, it appears I no longer know my own strength." He looked down at his hand, admiring it.

He called out to the man he had floored.

"Terribly sorry about that old chap, I didn't mean to hit you quite so hard."

The mugger (For Ivan was quite sure that was what he was) hauled himself to his feet, shaking with rage.

"You-you bastard! You don't just do that!" He ran at Ivan's rescuer (he hoped), fist ready to punch back. Just as he swung for the face, the rescuer disappeared. He plunged straight through the spot his would-be victim had been standing. The man reappeared behind the mugger and delivered a solid kick to his back, sending him sprawling once more.

Ivan backed away slowly, ready to run if either of them looked his way.

"And you just don't harass kids in the middle of the night down dirty allies, but that didn't stop you, did it?" The rescuer looked down at the mugger with contempt. In a last ditch attempt at salvaging his dignity, the man swept his leg out to try to knock the rescuer over, who jumped clear without even looking down.

He realized a lost cause when he saw one, and started scrabbling backwards on the floor, before turning and running. The rescuer dashed after him, impossibly fast, and yanked him back by the collar of his coat. The man's eyes widened as he choked, and was thrown back against the wall. Groaning, he looked blearily up at the rescuer, who glared down at him. He grabbed him by the fringe and slammed his head once against the wall, then twice for good measure, before dropping him in a heap on the floor. He snorted in contempt then turned to Ivan. Ivan froze in alarm.

"Relax, I didn't kill him. Are you okay? He didn't hurt you at all, did he?"

Warily, Ivan shook his head.

"That's good, it means I'm getting faster." He started coming closer. "Here, let me check you over."

And for some reason, Ivan let him. There was just something about him that said 'trust me'.

He came forward to check Ivan over, and as he came closer to the light at the end of the alley, Ivan could actually see his rescuer for the first time.

He was surprisingly young, he couldn't have been much older than Ivan himself, with unruly blond hair and ridiculously large eyebrows. His eyes were a striking shade of emerald green, rimmed with some sort of darker green circles, like shadows from tiredness, and he appeared to be very pale, although that could just have been the lack of light. He was wearing white gloves (which seemed a little impractical for a person who went around punching things), and hooded jacket printed with the flag of the United Kingdom- what was it called again? – ah yes, the Union Jack, with round black ears attached to the top of the hood.

What a strange man. Ivan had certainly never come across anyone like this back home in Russia. This served to further cement his belief that all foreigners were crazy.

"Well, it looks like you're fine to me. Are you alright to get home from here?"

Still slightly shell-shocked, Ivan nodded.

"Good." The strange man turned, starting to disappear back into the darkness.

"Wait!" Ivan called out, suddenly reluctant to let him leave.

"Yes?" The man turned back.

"Spasiba- um, I mean, thank you…" He trailed off, feeling awkward.

"That's quite alright; I'm just doing my job."

"What kind of job is this? Who are you?"

The man smiled.

"I believe they call me the Panda Hero. You might hear about me soon, if you haven't already." He began to melt away into the darkness.

"I will see you again, da?"

"When you least expect it." And the Panda Hero was gone.

Ivan smiled. Suddenly this new city didn't seem quite as intimidating.

And if it tried to scare him again, well, he could always be scarier.

"…so I returned home to my sisters, and the next day I heard all about how the Panda Hero had left a man wanted for drug dealing hanging by his ankles from a lamppost outside the police station."

"He spoke to you…" Alfred was in awe.

"Da."

"You…"

"Da."

"…wow."

"It was not a very good disguise; I'd recognize those eyes anywhere." Arthur gulped nervously as Ivan seemed to look right at him.

There was a silence.

"Alfred, cher, you have that look again." Francis changed the subject in alarm.

"What look?" Alfred tried and failed to look innocent.

"What are you planning?" Yao narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"Nothing!"

"That's a dirty lie and you know it." Arthur snorted in derision. "You're going to do something stupid again: admit it!"

"Come on guys, when do I do stupid things?"

They all gave him a look.

"Hey! I'm not that bad!"

"Da, you are. We have only been here for four weeks, and already you have set off the fire alarm twice, flooded a bathroom, smashed three chairs and broken the gym teacher's nose."

Alfred waved it off. "Psh, water under the bridge dude, me and Mr. Beilschmidt are cool."

"God, you're so American."

"What's that supposed to mean, Artie?"

"Nothing." He returned to pretending to read. There was another awkward silence, longer this time. This was prone to happening after a lively conversation, as none of them had really known each other for very long. Five exchange students to Canada all transferring on the same day and becoming friends? The odds were astronomical. And yet there they were.

"Well, it's been fun," Yao laughed inwardly at the absurdity of that statement as he got up. He really needed to get some new friends. "But I should really start working on my new research paper. Goodbye." He walked away.

"Yao-Yao, wait for me!" Ivan hurried after him. Yao sighed. It was like having an excitable puppy following him around sometimes.

"Yao is right. I, too, must leave. I have Spanish poetry I could be studying." Francis strolled languidly away, but not without many longing glances back at the table, which were only stopped by Arthur standing up and waving his book at him threateningly.

Arthur sighed and sat down again, muttering something darkly under his breath about 'perverted frogs' and 'damn sexy French hair'. Alfred blinked. Surely he must have heard that wrong.

"Hey Artie, don't you have work to be doing?"

"Why d'you think I'm reading Shakespeare, idiot?" He replied scathingly. "Shouldn't you be off calculating the weight of time or something, or whatever it is you physicists do?"

"Time doesn't have a weight, Artie."

"I don't care, go study."

"Fiiiiiiiiine," Alfred sighed melodramatically as he dragged himself out of his chair, pulling the bundle of papers he had produced earlier with him. He began to shuffle off backwards, with a woebegone look back at that table which Arthur steadfastly ignored. He sighed (his puppy-dog eyes only worked when someone looked at them), and crashed into someone behind him. Arthur tutted and returned to his book.

"Oh hey Kiku, I didn't see you there." Alfred steadied his small Japanese friend with a hand on each shoulder. Kiku looked at the hands in alarm.

"Did I ever tell you about the Panda Hero, buddy?"

"No, Alfred-san, you did not, but-"

"Awesome! I know what we're doing this lunch! C'mon dude!"

"Alfred-san, I do not think-"

He was dragged out of earshot by an overexcited Alfred, his protests falling on deaf ears.

Arthur shook his head, imagining what Alfred might say if he ever found out the he was the Panda Hero…

Alfred Jones sighed as he tossed the tenth comic of the night onto his bedside table and idly flicked his torch on and off a few times. God, this was so boring. His parents had gone to bed an hour ago, but he needed to be absolutely sure they were asleep before he got up. If they found out he'd ran off for another adventure in the middle of the night, he'd be grounded for life. Again.

And his friends would laugh so much, especially after he insisted that he wasn't planning anything. They were so mean to him sometimes, but he wouldn't swap them for the world. They'd made the move to Canada actually bearable, putting up with his whining despite them also going through the same difficulties as him and not saying a word. It was a miracle they hadn't got tired of his constant bitching yet.

Finally, his boredom got the better of him( ruminating on his friendship windfalls only distracted him for so long), and he threw his covers back, wincing at the chill in the air despite the fact that he was fully clothed. He tiptoed over to his closet and slid an extra jacket out as quietly as he could manage. He fluffed his pillows and rolled his duvet back over them. Foolproof.

He put his beanie hat on, wrapped a scarf twice around his neck, and picked up his camera and fixed the strap around his wrist. After a moment's thought, he also picked up a notebook and pen, and put them in his pocket. Just in case an opportunity for an autograph arose.

He was ready. He unhooked the latch on his window and slid it open as quietly as possible. He climbed through, and propped it open with a handy rock from the garden. Giving his clothing and equipment a final once-over, he sighed in relief. He was out. Now all he needed to do was find his hero. The city wasn't so big, was it…?

Arthur Kirkland stood on a roof. His favourite roof of them all, actually, as it offered the best vantage point over his city. His beautiful new city, his charge. It was hard sometimes, and he hadn't wanted it at first, but he knew that he was the only one that could protect her. Even the other Panda Heroes couldn't match it. Where were they now, after all?

"Hey England!" Flying Mint Bunny flew around his head. That had been weird, when his childhood soft toy had started to speak to him (some sort of guardian magic or space nonsense, the same as his new abilities), but he'd quickly gotten used to it. It was actually kind of nice.

"It's great to see you again! Did you have a good day?"

"No worse than usual. Where am I needed today?"

"Three blocks across. There's a couple of shady characters in hoods lurking near the mouth of an alley. After that we'll catch up with the fools trying to break into the department store."

"I'm on it."

He stifled a yawn and pulled his own hood up over his head. He stretched his limbs out a little and set the alarm on his watch for 2am, so he'd get at least some sleep that night (Or morning, rather).

"I must say, it's nice to see you spending time with friends, England! I was worried about you for a while!"

"You were still an inanimate object when I didn't have any friends."

"That doesn't matter, silly!"

Well, that didn't make sense, but what could you expect from a mysteriously animate soft toy depiction of a non-existent creature?

"Moving here has really helped you, I'm glad. That Alfred especially, he's brought you out of yourself!"

Arthur coughed awkwardly. "Yes, well, he's an idiot, I need to tell him to shut up sometimes!"

"And Francis, and Yao, and even Ivan as well! It's so lucky you all moved here at the same time!"

"They're all weird. Now come on, let's go, these criminals won't beat themselves up!"

"You got that right! Let's rock!"

He checked himself over one more time, put his gloves on, and smiled.

He ran, and leapt from the roof.

Time to get to work.

Who knows? Maybe I'll continue this one day. I have loads of ideas for the cool middle bit, but I have no clue how to get there! (as it is with everything I write).

I took inspiration from sailor moon a little. Hope you don't mind.

This might be one of the favourite things I have written.

I hope you enjoyed this and will drop me some feedback.

Even if you don't, I hope you enjoyed it anyway.