A/N: Hey everyone, before you start reading I just wanted to tell you that this is written in Santana's POV, I have never written a glee fic like this before and I really hope it came out okay! Thanks!
What are you going to do without her?
It's a simple statement, one that I have gotten countless times over the years of my young life. Family, friends, teachers, pretty much everyone asks me that question and whenever they do I always give them the same answer. I laugh, shrug then just simply ignore what they asked because I know they think it's a joke.
To be quite honest I never really thought of a real answer to that question, hell I didn't think I had too. I thought I was going to be with my other half for my whole life, but to my dismay I guess everything changes. I lost the love of my life. I lost the girl who could make me laugh, who could always tell when something was wrong, and who was never a dull moment. I lost her and now I don't know what to do without her.
All this is settling in as I sit on the cold, hard bench right beside her mother and little sister in the front row. People are behind us in the other wooden benches listening to the same thing we were, but they were obviously hearing it different. Quinn, my closest friend, was speaking in the front of the room. She was reading from a paper she had written on days before. She prepared for this moment, you could tell.
The only thing I could remember from what Quinn had so far was 'what are we going to do without her'. She said it with a short smile that didn't reach her eyes. She was trying to make it into a soft joke like everyone else did, but of course I couldn't think of it as one. As she spit out that one sentence it had me thinking the whole time she was talking.
What the hell am I going to do without her?
The walls began to feel like they were closing in on me. My heart beat was racing and sweat was forming on the top of my forehead. All this was happening as I realized I have no clue what I'm going to do without the love of my life. My life was planned out to fit her needs. It was going to revolve around our love, and now I can't do that. My life is going to have to change.
What am I going to do without her?
As Quinn finished, she said her final goodbye and walked to the bench she was sitting in. She was directly behind me in the second row of benches. She placed one hand on my shoulder which made me turn around and look my friend in the eye. I couldn't help but let tears flow down my face, how was I ever going to say goodbye to my girlfriend if I can't even answer the stupid question I got from Quinn's speech. Apparently Quinn could answer that question if she was able to say goodbye, how could she do it?
I feel a squeeze on my shoulder once again. I look Quinn in the eyes as she pointed to the front of the room. I turned around and looked where she was pointing. I noticed everyone in the room was staring at me and waiting for me to go up to the front of the room. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I also knew what I couldn't do it. They wanted me to go up there and talk like Quinn did. They wanted me to say my final goodbye to the only person I will ever love. They wanted me to something I couldn't do. So instead of doing what everyone thought I was going to do I got up and walked out of the church. I walked out of my girlfriend's funeral and tried to find a decent hiding place to go, instead the only place I could find was the church stairs. I decided to just sit and bring my knees to my chest so I could think. I needed to figure out an answer to that stupid question. You would think I would know since I was asked it so many times, but in some creepy way it only seemed to make it worse.
I felt a presence beside me as I lifted my head from my knees. It was Quinn. She was looking at me with a look that I knew meant she wanted to help me but didn't know how. I decided to give her break and just tell her the first thing that came to my mind.
I told her about the time all three of us were at the park to feed the ducks. I told her how I would never forget it because it was the official moment that we told her we were dating and we were happy. We told her we loved each other and we have for years. I also asked her one question that came to my mind when I thought of that moment. It was a simple question really. One that I wasn't sure she remembered the answer to.
'' Do you remember what you said to me after we dropped her off at her house and you started to make fun of us for being so perfect for each other?'' We were both silent. She was thinking of the answer that wouldn't have taken me that long. Instead of waiting I just told her. '' You asked me what I would do without her.'' Again we were both silent. Quinn sighed as she wiped her tear stained cheeks, remembering that she in fact did say that. However I wasn't done. I told her about the time the three of us were eating at my kitchen table and my mom came in and gushed aout how we were perfect for each other and that Quinn needed someone in her life like I did. I then asked her a similar question. '' What did my mom say after that, when she was walking out with her gym bag?'' Quinn didn't answer. She focused her eyes right into mine, waiting for me to answer for her. '' She asked me what I would do without her.'' Quinn didn't flinch or move it was like we were having a staring contest that no one wanted to loose. I started talking again; it was like no one could shut me up. I told her about the time we were in glee club when my ever loving girlfriend was dancing to a song Mr. Shuester was singing. I once again asked her if she remembered what Puck had said to me when we were watching the performance. To my surprise Quinn blinked, then shook her head. I knew she knew the answer; it wasn't that hard to figure out.
'' He asked you what you would ever do without her.'' Quinn whispered.
Silence once again filled the air as neither one of us talked. I was done with telling stories, and apparently she had nothing to add. Instead she wrapped her arm around my shoulders and brought me into a hug. To tell you the truth I didn't want her hug. It was making me feel weak and childish, something I wasn't. It was her next words that really sent my mind over the edge.
'' Santana, you don't need to know that answer right now. It's perfectly fine if you don't.'' I looked at her like she was crazy. How was I supposed to say goodbye if I couldn't answer that damn question? Just like Quinn was reading my mind she continued on with her sentence. '' You don't need to say goodbye. She may not be here with you but she'll always be in your heart. And I can say that because I know you loved her with everything you have.''
I looked at Quinn as if to say just shut up. I needed to think and she wasn't making it any easier with what she was saying. Of course I needed to say goodbye to her, if I wasn't ever going to see her again I needed to say goodbye.
My mind felt like it was growing right out of my skull. Every time I came to my own conclusion Quinn's words would always come back and fight against it. It's never really done that before, only when I knew deep down that she was right. But was she really right this time? Of course she'll always be in my heart, she'll never leave it, but if I'm never going to see her again I need to know what my life will be like without her.
'' There will be time for you to answer that Question San. But for right now don't try to say goodbye, try to remember her and try to remember the reasons your mom, Puck and I asked you that question.
I didn't want it to seem like I lost. My ego was far too big for that. Instead I put my head in my knees like I did before and thought about everything that had happened in the last two minutes. I didn't have to answer that question, at least not right now. I didn't have to say goodbye, at least not yet I didn't. I didn't have to lose the one I loved, at least not everything about her. I still had her in my heart, and that was going to have to do.
I lifted my head and watched as Quinn stood up from the concrete steps and offered her hand to me. I didn't smile or say thank you. Instead I just took her hand and let her help me up. I knew I should have been nicer but under the circumstances I was currently in I knew she would understand.
As Quinn led as back into the church and in the room everyone's heads turned and watched as Quinn sat down in her spot in the second row of benches. Once she was seated everyone's eyes stayed on me and watched as I went to the front of the room and politely took my turn to talk about the one I loved. No one minded though, they all wanted to know what my answer to the question was.
'' My girlfriend, Brittany Susan Pierce was... '' I chocked back my words and swallowed my tears, needing to correct what I had just said. '' Sorry, Brittany Susan Pierce is the love of my life. My whole life was, and still is revolved around her but before anyone asks me the question I'll just answer that for you. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. She is my everything and how am I supposed to know the answer to that when I had planned my whole life with her. I'm not saying goodbye, at least not yet. But I am saying I love you Brittany Susan Pierce and you'll always be in my heart.''
A/N#2: Thanks for reading guys. I know I should have updated my other fics before writing this but this has been in my head for a while now and I needed to get it out.
Hopefully it was okay and tell me what you think!