Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the Twilight Saga.
Warnings: Slash - Edward and Carlisle. If you don't like males kissing, please don't read.
Reviwes: Please - if you wouldn't mind!
The Slow Breaking of Carlisle
The first time Carlisle let Edward leave, he felt a piece of his self made humanity break. It was not long after Carlisle had changed Edward that Edward in his self loathing had left. If had taken every ounce of self control for Carlisle not to stop him then, as it did the second and third time he left. "I will not be selfish again..." He had proclaimed on each occasion, referring to the selfish reasons as to why he had chosen the course of action he had - more specifically to changing Edward. "Just... be safe..." Was all Carlisle had ever asked.
No one was around to notice the change in Carlisle the first time. He had left his home and had moved the same night Edward had left. No questioning eyes, no suspicions, no expectations. It had taken time to mask the whole made by Edwards leaving, and by the time Edward had returned the first time, Carlisle had Eseme to lean on. Eseme was overjoyed to meet her son, telling him how Carlisle had told her all about him. Edward, although distraught with even more self loathing, was glad to meet his new mother. He knew she was kind and was what both he and Carlisle needed.
Carlisle had greeted Edward on his first return with understanding and unquestioning forgiveness. He understood in part why Edward left, and he understood why he had strayed from his vegetarian diet, therefore, he had no reason not to forgive Edward. He only hoped that someday Edward would forgive him for changing him and bringing him into this existence. Carlisle noted, with a bit of surprise, that the hole created by Edwards's departure was still aching inside him. He knew then that he was in love with his first creation... and that would be his downfall. Each time Edward would leave, a piece of him would break and leave with him. On his return however, the piece would never return and the hole would grow bigger until he was no more. Carlisle noted with a hint of uncharacteristic sarcasm, that Edward would be the death of him.
From the first return onwards, Carlisle strived to create a functional family. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper... He strived to fill the whole within him, and ensure that his family would stay together for as long as was possible. If people wanted to leave, he would not stop them. They were adults after all, and even though he was head of his coven, he would forever deem them free entry because he believed they were family.
When Bella entered Edwards's life, Carlisle couldn't be happier for him. She would be a new family member, one that would make Edward happy. However, it pained Carlisle deeply that he was no longer the one Edward depended on. When that realisation sunk in, a piece of Carlisle died. However, he accepted it as inevitable, and casting his own feelings aside on the matter he supported Bella and Edward - Bella the most though, as she was key to everything. She was key to Edward.
When Edward left the second time, he knew it wouldn't be long - so he had let Edward go. Jasper was the first to notice the change in him, but said nothing. Eseme picked up on it and mistook it for fatherly pride. Alice however, knew something was up. Her fears were confirmed the 3rd time Edward left. At that point, they all left going their separate ways. When Alice envisioned that Bella had jumped off a cliff, and that Edward was going to go get himself killed, she first sought out Carlisle in fear. This, she realised, was Carlisle's breaking point.
Carlisle had told her to go to check her visions, but Alice did not budge for a long time. Carlisle assured her that this was more important so she had left, leaving behind the strength of the Cullen clan, who was slowly crumbling to dust inside. Eseme was distraught, she noticed instantly the light in Carlisle's eyes was gone. The Carlisle she knew and loved was no more and the Carlisle she observed sitting in the chair Alice had left him in was just a shell. Eseme knew then, that Edward meant so much more to Carlisle than he had ever let on, and that over time, Edward had unintentionally been killing the light in him.
When news that all was well, everyone returned to the house in Forks. Eseme hoped that everything would return to normal, and it did in some ways however. Carlisle was not the same. She noted he tried to do everything as he had, speak like he always had but... There was just no life in him now. Funny, seeing that he is a Vampire and they are essentially dead - but that was the only way to describe it. She wanted desperately to do something so she decided to speak with Edward.
When Carlisle came home from work, he found the house empty save for Edward. Where this fact would usually cause him great pleasure, he found that he just couldn't bring himself to rejoice. "Carlisle - can we talk?" Hearing Edward call to him caused him to pause. He placed down his briefcase, shrugged out of his coat, and headed towards the room where Edwards's voice originated from - the sitting room.
Edward sat patiently on the couch, trying to listen to Carlisle's thoughts. Where usually he gave him privacy, he needed to know at this point what he was thinking. However, much to his dismay, Carlisle was putting up a bit of a mental block. This in turn caused Edward to twitch uncomfortably. He liked to know what people were thinking, especially when he needed to know their reactions to his topic of conversations in advance. He looked up when he heard Carlisle enter and looked at him. What he saw made his eyed widen slightly. Eseme had been right. Carlisle was not himself... and this though saddened Edward.
"Yes Edward?" Carlisle offered. Now that he was listening intently, Edward could hear the underlying sadness in his voice. He frowned and got off the couch, moving to stand in front of Carlisle. He took the opportunity to lock eyes with him on his approach - noticing Carlisle was looking a bit confused. 'Again...' Edward thought, 'Eseme is right... There is no light in his eyes...'
"Why do you not smile anymore?" Edward asked. Although a bit of a random conversation starter, it didn't take long for Carlisle to answer. "What do you mean Edward?" and as if on cue, he smiled. Edward looked at the quirked lips and knew it was not a smile he was used to. This was reserved when he was trying to hide his upset or sadness over something. 'Something which I have undoubtedly caused...' "Like now, for instance. It's hollow, and your eyes... Carlisle - your eyes. There is no light within them..."
Just like that, Carlisle was stunned, the smile falling from his face and his mental defences down. Edward took the opportunity to scan his thoughts, desperately needing to know what he had done to hurt Carlisle to such an extent, knowing he would not get a verbal answer from him directly. Edward was speechless. He saw everything, and understood it all. Carlisle had blamed himself all through the years for condemning Edward to this life, and blamed himself for being selfish. He had grown to love Edward the way no man should love a man, and yet again condemned himself to a life of abstinence. Edward saw with clarity what his leaving had done to Carlisle, and that Carlisle had selflessly given his all in ensuring Edwards happiness above all else.
"Car- Carlisle..." Edward was at a loss for words. Carlisle stood there, and for the first time since Edward ever laid eyes upon him, he looked old and tired. Edward realised then that he had given up. 'Now you know...' Carlisle thought. "I understand if you wish to leave. After all, Bella is back and-" Carlisle never got to finish the sentence as Edwards lips had crashed into his with such force; he even had to take a step back - Edward of course following.
They kissed for what seemed like eternity, obviously with no need to breath they could have. However, Carlisle soon placed his hands on Edward's chest and pushed him back enough to separate their lips. Carlisle kept his eyes closed, knowing that if he opened them he would be undone in an instant. "E-Edward... We can't-" "Why not?" Edward cut in harshly. Carlisle was taking a moment to make a reasonable argument. 'You shouldn't feel obliged, you have Bella, I have Eseme, you're legally my son...'
Edward's expressions softened as he listened to Carlisle's thoughts. Amongst the objections were dreams and fantasies, wishes and hopes. Edward made a decision; he owed it to himself and to Carlisle. "Carlisle..." He said softly, taking a hold of Carlisle's arms gently. "Yes, we both have others at this time... and yes, I am legally your son - but keep in mind that we in a sense transcend human laws... and I am certainly not feeling obligated to kiss you... If... If I had known what I know now the first time I was set on leaving - I would not have... Carlisle..." Edward swallowed. It was one thing reading private thoughts; it was another to voice his own for others to hear. "Carlisle – I want to be with you... If you would have me..."
Leaning in Edward brushes his lips against the corner of Carlisle's. "I cannot forgive myself for causing you so much pain... And I could never condemn you for keeping us together for eternity... You have done everything for me... Let me do something for you - us..." Edward smiled as Carlisle's hands moved from his chest to his arms, pulling him closer. Edward didn't hesitate on showing Carlisle his gratitude for everything, and the gratification was returned enthusiastically in kind.
When Eseme returned with the other family members, she noticed the light slowly dancing in Carlisle's eyes, and even Jasper noticed the difference in moods. "Are you feeling better?" Alice asked cryptically to Carlisle. Carlisle couldn't answer the question immediately as Edward had come forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. "He's getting there." Emmet and Rosalie looked slightly confused, not knowing anything was wrong. 'Please - Don't break him again Edward...' Eseme added in though. Edward smiled at her and tightened his hold on Carlisle's shoulder. 'I won't...' he promised silently.