Prologue: Letters

The Letter I'll Never Send

Author Unknown

I wish I could say
How much I care for you
But I don't know how
So here's what I'll do

I'll write you a letter
Saying what I've been through
Day after day
Always thinking of you

I don't see you much
But when I do it makes me cry
So I'll write to you
Without a lie

I'll say that I love you
The first line that I write
So you instantly know
At your first sight

I'll say that I dream
I'll say that I fly
And without you
I'd probably die

I'll say that I smile
As I write you the note
I'll say that I wished
I could wear your big coat

I'll say that whenever
I close my eyes
I see you face
It never dies

I'll say that you're perfect
In every possible way
That I wish I could hold you
Every single day

I'll say that I wish
You were here with me
But it's crazy because
I know you can't be

Do you think about me
Or did you forget
The things we had done
And the goals we had set

But after I read
My note once again
I realize I'd never send it
It's a waste of my pen

You'd see it, and read it
Then throw it away
You don't care anymore
To yourself you would say

I know you won't understand but I'm lost! I know what I saw and I know what I've been told. What I don't know is what to do! I have to go even though I don't want to! They told me that I did, that it was the only way. I don't know what to say. I don't want to say goodbye. I'm sorry!

Bella

Dearest Friend,

I know that I left with no warning. I find that despite everything, I do feel sorry for that but it wasn't like I was given much warning either. It's taken me a couple of weeks to realize it but I couldn't leave you wondering for the rest of your life what had become of me. You know me well enough to know that I am not that spiteful nor am I a bitter enough person to allow my family to suffer or to allow you to believe that circumstances without your control made me decide to find my own death once more.

Sometimes I wish I could be that self-centered but I choose to live and I intend to do so.

You forced my heart to pump when it didn't want to. You forced air into my lungs when I thought that I would suffocate. I won't dishonor what you did for me back when you were allowed to love me. I was so stupid back then, so very blind... I was a mess. I didn't know honest, I didn't really understand so much then. I didn't even understand what I had when I did.

I sat on that godforsaken plane home from Italy, the knowledge that I was going to cease to live fresh in my head – I knew I would still be alive but not in the human sense, things would never taste, feel or be the same for me ever again – it was what I had wanted, what I thought was the only logical course of action that was left for me in my life.

I was wrong, so very wrong.

I told you all this before, when I came home but I wanted to make sure that you really understood what I told you then because so much has changed now I guess for both of us.

Death wasn't what I had fought for – what you had made me fight for. I struggled and fought, while you pushed and demanded from me every breath that rattled in my lungs, every beat of my heart, every smile, every tear. It was all yours, all mine.

In the moment that I knew that I was going to die, everything changed. I grew up, I changed. I was stronger and suddenly I was at peace with myself. Death wasn't something that frightened me anymore but I was finally ready to live.

I knew it then, in that moment that I loved you.

I don't tell you this to make you feel guilty although part of me wishes you would feel guilty, that way I could know that you still cared. It's okay you know. I know you can't help who you imprint on or even when it happens. At least we had one glorious year together, the way it was meant to be, just me and you.

I want you to know that I don't hate you. I don't even really hate Melika. Don't mistake me, I tried to hate you, I really did but I couldn't make the hate stick. The problem is that I know deep down inside a part of me that even I don't know well that neither of you, least of all you, meant to break me back down into little pieces.

I think I'm strong enough now to eventually put myself back together. You gave me that and I am so very grateful for it.

I ran to Edward that night. I couldn't think of anyone who cared for me more that that moment. The only problem was that when I parted company with Edward and tried to part company with all of the Cullens but they wouldn't have it. It turns out that they still love me like family. So I am not alone, at least not for the moment. Emmett and Rosalie believe it or not, refuse to allow me out into the big bad world by myself. With their help, I'm going to go to collage and then after that, who knows, the world is mine to discover.

I need to ask you a favor like Sam and your elders have probably already asked of you. Perhaps because of the way that we parted, I don't deserve my favor to be granted but I will ask because it is what I believe is best for all of us; stop trying to call me. Don't pester Charlie or the other Cullens for news about me. You need to let me go, forget that I ever existed – okay scratch that, I didn't mean that exactly.

Let me go, let me be a happy memory, just don't forget me.

I'll come back one day, I promise, once I heal, once I learn to smile and laugh again. I promised Charlie when I left. I will probably spend holidays with my father again when I can. Don't worry, I am sure that our paths won't cross again, at least not in this lifetime.

Tell my friends or rather those in the Pack who still count me as a friend that I'm sorry. That sometimes memories and emotions are just too much to handle. Let them know that all I need is time and space but that I haven't ceased caring for them. Tell Leah that I respect her courage more then ever now.

Maybe I'll travel for a while. Maybe, I'll settle somewhere new after collage. Once the tears stop, I think I'll like the fact that my life is now filled with a thousand maybes.

You gave me that gift.

Thank you

Bella

Dearest friend,

It has been exactly one year since I left Forks and you and Edward behind. Down on paper that doesn't seem as long as it's sometimes felt.

It has felt like a very long time.

It wasn't easy at first. I spent a lot of time reflecting on everything that had led to my exodus. I sometimes wonder what you are doing, if you ever think of me. I think I prefer my fantasy to knowing the truth, in my imagination, while you may not love me anymore but you do miss me. After all weren't we best friends once too before we were lovers?

I enrolled in collage after a summer making my way around Europe. It was Rose and Emmett's graduation gift to me and their way of trying to push off a depression like the one that Edward left me with. I think your stories may have worried them a little.

It half worked.

Europe is beautiful! And you don't have to worry, we avoided Italy like the plague. It would take me pages that I don't have time to write to describe to you all the different things that I saw while I traveled so you will find enclosed some pictures of my favorite places that I saw along the way.

We started in Spain and while I spent my days mostly alone sight seeing or laying on white sand beaches. My new guardians introduced me to a nightlife the likes of which I have never experienced before. Once I got over the awkwardness that being with one of the most beautiful and graceful beings I've ever seen and took a leaf out of goof-off Emmett's book, I found that I rather enjoyed going out dancing. There's something freeing about letting your hair down and forgetting about decorum.

We made our way around Europe that way. I would mostly see the sights alone during the day when my friends would have to hide from the sun and they would take me out at night. I saw Paris with it's wonderful museums, eateries and old elegant cathedrals, Berlin with the reminder of the great wars and the separation of a country, Amsterdam with all of it's flowers and artisan ways, Edinburgh with it's castles and people so proud of where they came from, London and it's monarchs, Madrid, Wein, Budapest, Oslo and even Stockholm that way before the school year started for me.

I loved it. At moments I forgot that I was sad, that I missed you.

I am going to take a journalism course, history and classic literature as well as anthropology. I don't think it will take me long to declare a major. I do love to study. I want a career that will encourage me to travel. I think always moving helps me to forget about the real world. Is that even okay?

For now I don't think I really care, that's what collage is about so I'll run with it.

I made two new friends this year. Rosalie doesn't like them much. She can't tell me why, she just says that they give her a bad feeling in her stomach every time she looks at them. The thing is, I'm done with someone else telling me who I can and can't be friends with so for now I'm ignoring her until she can give me a good reason why I shouldn't want to have them in my life.

Their names are Mathew and Daniel Wainwright. Brothers actually who decided upon the same collage, something of a family tradition they say. They even took me home with them for Thanksgiving. You would never believe the old mansion that they live in or the grounds around it. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Rosalie and Emmett however didn't seem to like the amount of time that I spent with the Wainwright family and put their foot down, demanding that Christmas was theirs.

They surprised me when they rented out a half a hotel and invited everyone that they were allowed to invite to join us there for the holidays. It was nice to see their siblings and my parents. All of the Cullens were there, well not Edward, for now, we aren't really speaking. He says that I'm trying too hard to move on, I think the other problem is that we don't see eye to eye on everything anymore.

My parents were there and my step-father Phil. My mom and Phil make an interesting couple, it's proof of opposites attracting. Angela came too with her latest California boyfriend and Dad brought Sue Clearwater. That was interesting, she wasn't very comfortable in the same room as the Cullens but she seemed to get along with my new friends quiet well. My whole extended family seemed to. I was glad to find that Rosalie's worries were still unfounded.

Sue was pleasant to be around and told me how you all were doing. It sounds like things are going well, the pack sounds like it's strong. You and Sam must be doing a good job. I was glad to hear that you were able to start fully supporting each other like you should have been from the start. I was glad to hear that Sam let Leah go to collage even if it was only in Port Angeles, she needs time away from the Pack more than anyone. Trust me, I know.

Currently, I'm done with school for the summer and am waiting to work out what Rose has planned for our grand excursion this year. To be honest I'm hoping for something less grand then last time. Maybe a couple of weeks somewhere warm and sunny and then just staying put for a while. I could use the time to make decisions on my major. When I get back from where ever it is that we are going, I'm going to Matt and Dan's for a couple of weeks so I don't have to be alone for too long. Emmett said that Alice was very insistent that they came home for a certain length of time on some very specific dates. I hope that the trouble has nothing to do with me or you.

I'm doing well and I wish the same for you.

Bella

Dearest friend,

Today is one of those weeks. The kind that start badly and end badly. I'm tired and I miss home more then I can tell you. I miss Charlie's unchanging nature. I miss the rain. I miss walking through the forest or along the beach with the waves lapping so steadily against the shore.

I miss Edward's solid, still and unchanging presence. I miss laughing with Embry and Quill. I miss Seth being silly and Leah trying desperately to hate me but not knowing where to start. I miss Esme and the ways that she would find to mother me in the absence of my own mother. I miss Alice, my only real gal pal, sometimes I even think that I miss the way that she would use me like an over grown barbie doll. I miss Emily and the way that she encouraged me to try new things and the way that she looked after you boys.

I miss you.

There is a massive list of things that I miss about you. I'm not even going to try to start an explanation of what and why. The list is too long. The list doesn't really matter except that today I miss you more then I have in a while.

It's not as bad as it was before, I mean, it feels like there is a hole in my chest sometimes and I can't breathe because it's trying to take over my whole chest cavity. All I'm saying is that it's been worse, I'm learning to control the pain but some days are easier than others.

I got a call from my dad too today. That should have been a good thing right? Except it made me feel worse. Apparently him and Billy aren't talking any more. Apparently Billy can't stop gushing about Melika. It was the last straw for my father. I never knew him to be all that protective but apparently he is. I'm glad that your dad gets along with her, at least I think I am and I'm sorry that my father can't see past that to the friendship that they've had for years. Maybe they will mend it someday.

My mother showed up not long after. She had traveled up from Jackson because her and Phil have been fighting and she just needed 'space' whatever that means. My mother amazes me sometimes. She's more like a twenty-something then I am. She always has been, so she's parked on my couch watching old eighty's movies and eating tub after tub of rocky road ice cream. Phil loves her to death, he's been calling every couple of hours since she arrived but she won't even talk to him.

I think I have him convinced to just come on over here. She's an irrational creature and if he manages some big romantic gesture everything will be just fine. I just don't think my mother understands how lucky she is. There is this amazing guy in her life and she loves him and he loves her back. You don't get more lucky then that right?

So the week ended for me when Matt and I went to see a movie last night. It was at an old style movie theater with the red velvet curtains and chairs and the old style molding on the walls. We bought popcorn that was covered in too much butter and chocolate covered peanuts and watched an old film noir movie in black and white.

There were three main characters, a wealthy but down to earth business man, a dangerous and mysterious detective who you can't work out if he's any better then the men that he's rounding up and a lounge singer who can't choose between the two.

It was a stupid movie.

It was a stupid idea to go see a movie.

Rosalie told me to be careful, that Matt was starting to look at me the way that you and Edward used to when I wasn't looking. I didn't believe her. I thought that I had painted an image of a person who wanted nothing but friendship from any other living being but I guess I was wrong. He took my hand, turned to me and told me that he could make me happy if I would just give him a chance.

The look on his face reminded me of yours the night that you, Mike and I went to see that stupid action movie. Before you turned into a werewolf. Before everything changed and your genetics wrote new instructions into your blood and your brain.

He was just as earnest as you were. His hand was just as warm. I was just as unhappy about it and yet I believe him now like I didn't believe you then. I think that he would make me happy if I could just let him. If I could give him my heart as a whole, without the pieces missing. He's a good man, a kind person, he's smart and funny and protective. He's easy to talk to and listens with out too much commentary unless you want him to start talking and then you can't get him to stop.

He sounds like a good match doesn't he? Except that he's not. That and as much as I do like him and care for him, I only feel friendship toward him. No amount of wishing can change that for me, trust me I tried wishing. At least not now and I know how stupid it is to say that. I know because I've stood in this same spot before with you and yet I can't change it any more then I could have changed myself back then.

I have something good staring me in the face and I can't let myself have it. Instead I'm sitting here writing a letter to you. I don't know why I bother sometimes except that I can't seem to stop. It's a way for me to intrude in your life every once and a while. Stupid I know but there are lots of things that seem stupid in my life right now.

I miss you and can't help but hope that you might miss me too.

Bella

Dearest friend,

I think that I have too much time to think sometimes. Thanks to Matt, the more I think the more likely I am to sit down and write. I think when he told me it would help, he meant more of a journal but I find writing letters helps formulate thought better.

Today I am thinking about my childhood with Rene. How there were times that I felt like I was more of a mother to her then she ever was to me. How it took my mother getting married and me feeling like I was holding her back to meet and build a relationship with my father.

I wonder, did I love my mother more then she loved me sometimes. I was always doing what was right for her and I don't know if I ever took much time to think about myself in those instances. I mean so much would be different right now if I had been the child rather then the parent and stayed behind with her while Phil traveled the country rather then letting her follow him and her heart.

I wouldn't know my father. I wouldn't have learned how a quiet and unassuming man could be so strong, loyal and loving. I wouldn't have known that I got my sly and stubborn streak from him or found out how much he loved and missed my mother and I.

I would never have met Edward or the other Cullens. I would never have fallen so drastically and completely in love for the first time. I wouldn't have found myself in physical harm the way that I always seemed to. I would never have come in contact with James or Laurent or Victoria. I wouldn't even know about Vampires or Werewolves.

I would never have met you again. I would forever be the girl that you made mud pies with you in your backyard. I wouldn't have had such a strong, constant best friend whose love was so strong that it pulled me in like a strong current.

I started my thinking marathon because I have to write an essay.

I have to pick one person who irrevocably changed my life and describe them and how they changed me in a positive or negative way. I've sat for hours thinking about who that person is. The problem is that there are too many people who have had massive impacts on my life. My parents, Edward, James, you.

I don't think that one person can be the one and only focal point for change in anyone's life but I don't think I'm going to pass this course if I don't choose someone.

I wonder who you would choose. Before Melika came into your life that is. I am sure that because of the imprint that she is now the only focal point in your life and I am sorry for that. Not because your tribe has a way of finding soul-mates or because our dreams that we had together went out the window with it but because that takes so much learning, growing and fun out of the process.

I wonder who I would have been without all the people in my life that have helped to influence me. Would I be the same person? Would I have chosen the same things? Would I be stronger? Would I be weaker?

Would I have different tastes in clothes without Alice? A better taste in music without having listened to all those eighties hair bands in your garage? Would I like to eat stake well done instead of medium-rare if my father hadn't forced so many down my throat? Would I love to travel and experience the world the way that I do without Rosalie dragging me across the known universe? Would I appreciate sports without Emmett? Would I have learned to love to write without Mathew looking over my shoulder?

There are so many questions and yet I find that I am glad that I don't know the answer to those great questions. That there is no fate written for me. That I have so many choices that I can make that will help shape me into the person that I want to become.

Maybe there have been a lot of people who have influenced who I have become and yet I think, as I sit here and write you yet another letter that I understand what you were always trying to tell me. Maybe I am the person that has irrevocably changed my own life more than everyone else. I am the person I am because I choose to be that person. I have chosen the path that I have taken that has led me to all the people who have helped me change.

I hope that you are well and that you never stop letting people help you write your story.

Bella

Dearest friend,

It's been a long time. You probably thought that I had fallen off the face of the planet. I know that was what my parents thought to start with. It turns out that I am really bad at communicating with people. I did an exchange and spent two semesters abroad in England, getting my priorities in order.

I'll make this letter short and to the point. In many ways Edward was right last time that he had I spoke, I have been trying too hard to move on and all in the wrong ways. I need to stop worrying and thinking about you and work at getting on with my life. At some point I need to make time for me and get to know myself.

I don't know if communicating any more of my life with you will be a good idea for either of us so I guess these last few lines mean goodbye at least for now, maybe forever. I can't tell you what is going to be in my future any more then you know what is going to be in yours. I have resolved to finish school through my master's year, even though I don't know what good it will do me in these uncertain times, at least I can say that I have done that and then I am going to leave.

I don't know where I'm going to go yet or what I'm going to do. Part of me is afraid. I may have learned to control myself but I will always be dangerous to those around me. It's always been that way, I am destined to hurt people, you and Edward were just the first. I think I finally understand you better than I ever have, your nature, why you did the things that you did. What I don't understand is why you fought for us for so long? Maybe it's a good thing that I don't understand but I do know that I can't keep dragging this out for my sake. I don't even know if you read these letters and some days it hurts too badly to think about the possibility that you haven't cared to open one.

I just want you to know that there will never come a time in my life where you are not in my thoughts. I care as strongly for you today as I did the last time I saw you three years ago. I wish you every happiness in your life and hope that you are granted everything that your heart desires.

I only ever wanted what was best for you.

I'm very sorry.

Bella

Dearest Friend,

I couldn't let you go. It seems that I am not as strong in some ways as I thought that I was. Strange how you can think that you have come to peace with something that then find that you weren't as much as you thought that you were. I guess this was one of those times for me.

They were in Forks for two nights not long past, Emmett and Rose. Just long enough for them to see you from the distance once. You were walking with Melika, you both looked happy they said. They said that you looked comfortable with each other, like there was nothing more natural then walking beside one another.

I envy that but it made me glad to know that you were happy.

I couldn't stop thinking about it, about you. So I figured that I would purge my soul once more, even if it isn't fair to you. I have learned how to be selfish you know, it was hard to learn and I'm not very good at it but you only get better with practice or so Rosalie keeps telling me. According to her and the Rosalie rule book, a girl is allowed to be selfish every now and then.

I graduated with the some of the highest marks in my year. I am a fully qualified anthropologist with a minor in journalism. God knows when I will be able to have a proper career. I would love to go back for my doctorate someday. I have a long way to go yet before I think I'm going to feel really safe out in the big bad world. I don't think I'll ever be able to publish papers or articles with my name on it but I think I can live with that for now.

I have taken a job as a research assistant and am heading down to a few interesting anthropological sights in South America. The more secluded the better for my whole psycho-fuck family, if you can call it a family in the first place. Matt and Dan are going to move down permanently with me. Matt has a job in his family's business and can work from home and Dan wants to take some time off and is content enough to travel around with us for now and Rose and Emmett are taking things a day at a time.

So am I, one day at a time.

So for now South America. Perhaps I will be there when they find a discovery so interesting that I can devote the next few years of my life to it. I know; pipe dreams right. I just remember a time when life was different and I had plenty of people who believed in me despite my own desire to give up. Now I am finding that I have to find a way to be strong for myself so that I can feel whole.

I am getting to grips with being myself, it's just taking time.

At first I had Edward and felt that no matter who I was or what I did, I would never be good enough. I saw him as totally perfect in every way. I had no self worth, no value except for the value that he placed on me by being with me. But now I think that he valued my humanity more then he valued me, Isabella Marie Swan, he could see a reflection of his 'lost soul' in me and that, besides the whole blood thing, was my appeal.

You were too perfect too, wolf-boy. You were the kind of person that would never give up. You were determined that no matter what I did to you or how I damaged you that you were going to love me. But at least you were interested in me, not that I knew back then who me was. I'm not saying that I know myself intimately yet, I think that, that will take me a lot more time than just a few years.

I keep morphing and changing. I learn new things about myself on a daily bases. I have people to keep me safe and I'm learning how to keep myself safe at the same time, I think that helps too. I have two camps looking out for me; Matt who feels responsible for me. He should, I guess, it was Matt's fault that I ended up in the mess I'm in now so until I decide what to do about that whole thing, he's sticking close by and Rose and Emmett don't trust him at all anymore, considering the one and only time they did I almost died.

That was a fun chapter in my life. It's one that I am still recovering from in many ways. I don't want you to think that Matt is a bad person though. He isn't. He's just fallible like the rest of us. He made a bad choice, a mistake and it has cost us both dearly. Even his brother is paying part of the price for his choices.

They make each other rather uncomfortable you know, Matt and the Cullens and it can be quiet funny to watch the power plays sometimes; that is before they drag me into the middle of it. It's just hard, on one hand I could choose to allow Matt to take me back to Europe with him and be guaranteed a family and a legacy for as long as I live. I would have to settle with very little contact with my family and probably never being able to see my friends or the Cullins again. But doesn't that sound like a choice that I've been faced with before? Or I can decided that I don't want anything to do with the great Wainwright family and their legacy and take off on my own, only eventually that is going to mean really being alone. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. After all, I can't expect Emmett and Rosalie to be content following me around forever.

It isn't realistic and it isn't fair.

I hope the years have been as kind to you as they said they had. I hope that you're happy. I hope that you don't mind that I broke my vow of silence; I can only say that I'll try not to do it again in the near future.

So until my next moment of weakness.

Bella