Summary: In which Bepo's life lies in the hands of a hungry Marimo Demon Lord.
Author's Note: For my two favorite characters in One Piece. Because the world deserves to know that Bepo and Zoro are a 347 out of 10 on the adorable scale.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Bepo's Misadventure
Bepo was having a really bad week. He'd started off earning a month of cleaning duty for accidentally dying Captain's eyebrows pink, and only this morning he'd made a wrong turn on the way to the island, inadvertently treating the crew to an intimate lesson on how a Kraken's bowels happened to look with raging dysentery disease. From the inside.
Bepo carefully folded his uniform, shuddering at the thought of washing test tubes for the next four weeks (Alconox detergent had a vicious vendetta against his fur), and placed the coal black garment on top of the neat pile of clothing lying near his feet. He stretched, reveling in the feeling of the light breeze tickling his now exposed white fur. Law had given the crew a day off on a nice summer island, issuing no orders save to return by noon tomorrow and something along the lines of 'be careful,' an opportunity so rare not even Penguin had been stupid enough to question it. Once docked, Bepo had made sure to discreetly slip away from the rest of the Heart Pirates and travel to the coast opposite of the port, far away from any signs of society. The lively town the rest of the crew was good-naturedly destroying ended exactly at a deep fissure that spanned the diameter of the island, dividing the landmass into thriving civilization and undisturbed jungle.
Bepo beamed. No one would find him here.
Bepo placed his forepaws on the sand, pushing intelligent thought to the back of his mind. He needed to do this sometimes, especially with the week he'd had. Bepo knew he was only indulging a personal weakness, but as much as he humanized himself, Bepo was, in fact, ultimately a bear. And as a creature born from the wild, even Bepo needed a moment of freedom to romp around and let loose like the virile, attractive young bear he was. Like this, he was king- no bossy crewmates or cunning surgeons could dare to push him around while he embraced his fiercely untamable nature!
Of course, he'd rather hang his favorite pair of Valentine underpants from the Gates of Justice than let his fellow crewmates discover his guilty pleasure of reckless nudity.
On all fours, Bepo began a light jog, then a full out sprint, exhilaration spilling through his veins as he allowed his baser instincts to take over. Bepo had never felt so free! Well, except perhaps the time Captain had snuck an experimental epinephrine pill into his food for a test run, but the ensuing glorious rampage had been drug-induced and didn't count.
Especially since the medicine had dyed his poop magenta for a whole week.
Bepo let out a few roaring whoops of elation, closing his eyes as he ran even faster. The sun was warming his back, joy pounding in his blood, and he felt like he was flying, flying-
Foomp.
Bepo froze in the air, eyes widening as he felt a horrible pain emanate from a sudden prick in his furry buttocks. He crashed, letting out a yelp as he landed on his side and dug the dart further into his behind. His limbs felt heavy, like the time he accidentally sat on a poisonous prickle bush in Little Garden. Bepo struggled to keep his eyes open, but the two-ton weights on his eyelids were seriously hard to oppose. In fact, Bepo couldn't really remember why he was resisting his body's demand for naptime in the first place, so he ignored the little voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Captain to get the fuck up you idiot bear and succumbed to blissful slumber.
The last thing Bepo saw before his eyes drooped shut was a pair of calloused brown feet scuttling towards him.
ooo
Zoro decided, with firm conviction, that he was most definitely going to decapitate the old lady who had given him these shitty directions.
The Witch had forced them to stop at the nearest summer island for supplies after Luffy had decided to launch the kitchen at a "Mystery Rock" in the sky, and Zoro had been off to find the nearest bar as soon as the ship docked at port. He had considered following Luffy, because the kid made an adventure just out of finding the toilet at night, but with no booze for over ten hours and battles limited to the bastard cook, Zoro decided the bar was paramount to his immediate survival.
Zoro swatted angrily at a branch that kept slapping him in the face, growling when another immediately took its place. That stupid old hag had told him the bar was just up the road to his left. It's so close, she had said. He couldn't possibly miss it, she'd said. Well, he'd been walking for hours now and he'd walked up the road and he'd gone to his left and he'd even passed over this old-as-hell bridge over a big-ass crack in the middle of this shitty island to keep on the stupid road but there was no fucking road anymore so where the hell was this damn bar?
Zoro muttered a few choice expletives as he walked further into the jungle, hacking at tree limbs and stomping on roots at a steady pace. His stomach soon imitated his own growls of fury, and Zoro suddenly realized he hadn't eaten in over twelve hours since they'd run out of supplies. Zoro paused as his stomach let loose another painful rumble and decided he really wasn't angry anymore.
He was pissed.
The green-haired swordsman continued his trek through the forest, his hunger growing exponentially with every step. His stomach growled with increased ferocity, and he was confident he was at the point where he could eat a whole roasted Sea Cow by himself. As his stomach let loose another yowl, he swore could practically taste the greasy meat of the creature's tender ribs. Kami, he could even smell the delicious smoke of the cooking fire-
Wait. Zoro took a small sniff of the air before inhaling deeply, mouth watering as the scent of burning wood filled his nose. In fact, he could hear some kind of drum beat in the direction of the smell. Tropical bar music?
Maybe that old hag hadn't given him shitty directions after all.
ooo
Bepo was experiencing extreme pain and anxiety.
His captain, adorned with a frilly pink apron and matching pearl headband, was simultaneously smacking his head and hitting his rump with a wooden spoon as the duo ran around the ship's laboratory. Bepo was crying, because Captain could make even Jello a painful weapon, and wailed that no, he really didn't mind that Law was secretly using his submarine as the base for Operation Okama Supremacy and yes, his new lipstick really brought out his eyes-
Bepo paused mid-sprint, sensitized bear nose sniffing the air. Okama Heart Captain was burning his choco-choco Sea King wafers?
ooo
Zoro allowed his hunting instincts to kick in, his nose and ears leading him unerringly towards potential food and heavenly drink. As he drew closer to the source of the fire, the low beat his ear had picked up transformed into loud chanting accompanied by the steady thrum of ancient drums and the occasional barbaric cry.
Must be some party.
Zoro saw light glowing behind the trees ahead of him. He broke through the foliage, a slightly crazed grin on his face, only to be met with the sight of dozens of tribal men and women moving rhythmically around the source of the delicious scent his nose had picked up. Zoro's gaze moved past the mass of swaying, painted bodies to the large, white blob hanging above a roaring pit of fire.
It…looked like a sasquatch. A somehow extremely familiar sasquatch.
If they had some cheap beer, this might shape out to be a pretty decent bar.
"So. How much booze can I buy with 237 Beli and three silver coins?"
Zoro looked expectantly at the nearest tribesman, who only just noticed the swordsman's presence. The scantily clad man jumped back with a loud yelp, and the ritual came to a sudden halt as forty pairs of eyes came to rest on the strange, green-haired foreigner.
There was a beat of tense silence, the air taught with tension.
"WAHHHH! HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL- MY BUTT'S ON FIRE! SWEET BISCUITS, MY FUR!"
Zoro glanced at the sasquatch struggling over the pit. The creature's behind was, in fact, on fire. He briefly wondered if the fact that Sasquatch appeared to be an intelligent, "conscious" being made it morally indecent for him to still eat it.
Zoro's stomach answered that his sudden sense of ethical value could go fuck itself.
His internal struggle was just enough of a distraction to allow a tiny dart past his guard, almost instantly sending Zoro into dark oblivion.
ooo
Bepo awoke to the smell of burning cookies, immediately noticing his rump was unusually warm and stinging. He crossed his eyes and craned his neck to peek down his back, discovering the source of his discomfort was not a terrifying, spoon-wielding Okama Captain but a mass of brilliant flames covering his behind.
Oh. His butt was on fire.
His eyes widened into white saucers. His butt was on fire.
Bepo emitted a girly, high-pitched scream, completely unashamed of his lack of manly pirate-ness in lieu of his roasting buttocks. He blew desperately on the flames behind him, but that only seemed to exacerbate the problem. Bepo yelled for his Captain, searching around wildly for help as he struggled uselessly against his bonds.
Bepo's eyes roved past the surprised tribesmen, his gaze finally alighting on a floating moss ball. Why was there a marimo hovering around at the edge of his vision? Oh, Kami, was he dying and seeing into the gates of a marimo-infested hell?
Bepo squinted, realizing the floating marimo was actually attached to someone's head. He- he knew that guy! He was that crazy powerful super scary swordsman that followed that Strawhat dimwit around! Bepo couldn't quell the hope that immediately blossomed through his chest.
The Heart Pirate Navigator opened his mouth to cry for help, but he paused as he noticed the strange look on the green-haired man's face. A chill ran down Bepo's spine. Why did the marimo head look like he wanted to eat him?
Bepo dismissed the look as one of recognition- after all, who could forget a handsome bear like Bepo? Ah, perhaps marimo head wanted him for his good looks- and sucked air into his lungs for another bout of yelling.
The swordsman took a decisive step forward, only to drop like a lump of seastone to the ground. Bepo's stomach plummeted with him.
Oh, poopy.
The Heart Pirate navigator watched anxiously, almost to the point of tears, as the Strawhat was rid of his swords and clothes before being seasoned with oil. Bepo's only chance at escaping was going to be eaten along with him! The normally kind bear felt a rush of rage seize his bones, unleashing years of pent up anger the bear had always hidden behind a facade of demure civility.
His Captain had once commented on the swordsman's ability, in Bepo's eyes giving the green-haired pirate what amounted to unbelievable praise for his impressive fighting skills. Where the heck were these demonic fighting skills now, huh? Well, Bepo wasn't going to die because of some idiot's incompetency!
Bepo wracked his brain for all he knew about the unconscious pirate. The bear quickly came to the conclusion that he knew absolutely nothing. So Bepo went with the usual convention that got most macho, testosterone-oozing pirates up and swinging-
He insulted him.
"H-Hey! Yeah! The guy that's, um, unconscious! You're a fat lard!" Right, that tan, sculpted body he could bounce a boulder off of was obviously all fat. Bepo winced. He could practically hear his crewmates' mocking laughter at his pathetic attempt, could nearly see his Captain shaking his head disappointedly. Bepo felt more rage bubble in his chest at the thought. He was sick of his crewmates, even these phantom figures of his subconscious mind, looking down on him, calling him weak. So what if he was a talking bear! He was a navigator of the fearsome Heart Pirates that made the lady bears swoon and the knees of his enemies tremble! He was… he was…!
Bepo forced himself to think it.
Hewasabadass!
Bepo would have covered his mouth with his paws at the mere thought if the ropes hadn't prevented it. The bear had always been too shy to curse, too meek, but no more! Bepo was going to swear like his life depended on it…
Which it incidentally did.
ooo
Zoro twitched. Where was he again?
Old hag. Bar. Sasquatch. Pinprick.
Right. He was probably about to get killed or something.
With his drinking prowess, it took enough drugs to knock out out a fifteen-hundred-pound bear to take him out for even a few seconds while he was this hungry. He faintly registered something drizzling on him, probably rain, but what truly caught his attention was the muddled yelling he heard in the distance.
Did… did someone just call him a fat lard?
The toxins were being rapidly burned from his system, and he found he could now open his eyes with a little effort. Zoro forced his blurry vision to focus on the source of the yelling, his brow furrowing in confusion.
It was Sasquatch that was insulting him? Why Zoro, when he only wanted to eat the creature's delicious, sizzling flesh like everyone else here?
"You sh-shitty bastard!" –Zoro was sure the creature was somehow blushing- "You're a fucktard pussy with heinous body odor! I… I'm ordering your fat ass to wake up right now! Or is that marimo attached to your bitch head incapable of realizing we're about to get eaten by a bunch of pansies?"
Zoro was a resilient, disciplined man. He took a lot of pride in that, as his abilities as a swordsman relied heavily upon these traits, so he usually ignored the asinine comments of weak fools. But Zoro also took a lot of pride in his hair. Sure, even he could admit green might be a rare hair color, but that's what marked him as unique. His unusual, brilliant head full of luxurious, emerald green locks showed the world he was fated for a great destiny no man, demon, or even god could hope to surpass! Who was this damn ugly Sasquatch to compare the glorious hair his mother had given him to a fucking ball of moss? Bitch!
Zoro surged to his feet, promptly scaring the tribesmen surrounding him, but the need to defend their potential food for the month from this strange, green-haired being overrode the shock of the failure of their poison. The savages quickly took up their spears and arrows to destroy this threat to their survival, bellowing a resounding war cry to bolster their spirits while surely crushing the enemy's hopes of stealing their meal.
The call was abruptly cut off when a horrible killing intent roiled through the air, striking fear through the group as sharply as a katana to the stomach. The air seemed to twist and take form around the mysterious swordsman, his eyes shadowed darkly from view. The villagers watched in horror as the monster revealed his true, wicked nature.
"Who're you calling a marimo head, you Sasquatch sack of shit!"
Bepo sweat dropped. Of all the insults to react to…
He dismissed this thought, instead focusing on the feeling of pride filling him. Yeah, maybe Bepo didn't even know what half the names he'd used had even meant, but this guy was such a numbskull that his plan had actually worked!
Bepo gulped when he glimpsed the feral expression on the other pirate's face. Maybe his plan had worked a little too well.
The swordsman ripped through the tribesmen, all the while keeping his angered gaze focused on Bepo. Bepo felt himself start to shake, terror spreading ice through his heated veins.
This man was a demon. Forget poking the sleeping bear with a stick- Bepo had unknowingly unleashed the spawn of the Underworld on a rampage! Why hadn't he listened to his instincts earlier when they told him he'd been seeing into the pits of Marimo Hell?
In mere seconds, the villagers were defeated, and the swordsman walked towards him through the fallen bodies like the moss ball-headed incarnation of Death himself.
ooo
The green-haired pirate stopped inches away from the now frightened creature. The fire had almost burned through all the fur on the thing's behind, but he could tell Sasquatch was more concerned with the immediate threat of being dismembered by the swordsman in front of it. Zoro studied the creature, pausing so long he could see the beginnings of hope take root in the creature's eyes, before speaking.
"I'm hungry. I'm going to eat you."
Sasquatch sobbed.
"Wait! I-I may have been part of the Heart Pirates, but mama will tell you I'm a good bear! Please, I only said those things so you'd get angry and wake up to defeat those people. I mean, they were gonna eat us if I didn't! If I'd known you were a Supreme Marimo Demon Lord, I would have shown more deference, Great Mossy Eminence, I swear!" the white creature wailed. Zoro perked up at the mention of the Heart Pirates, but he still made no move to free Sasquatch from its confinements on the spit.
"You called me a marimo head. So I'm going to eat you," Zoro deadpanned.
Sasquatch continued to blubber incoherently about moss-headed demons. Zoro might have felt more merciful towards the pathetic creature if it hadn't been his only meal option, not to mention its repeated remarks on marimos. But his stomach demanded food, so it would get food.
"I don't wanna go to Marimo Hell," the white mammal mumbled, its tone defeated. A sudden spark of recognition flooded through Zoro. Sasquatch was part of the Heart Pirates- he'd seen it make the same face of utter despair after Law had reprimanded it for something. Zoro growled angrily. He couldn't eat the damn thing if it really was one of Law's crew, as much as his stomach convinced him that yes, he definitely could, especially since he'd come close enough to eating Chopper on a number of occasions. Damn Nami and her foresight to make everyone promise not to eat any allies on pain of becoming her personal pack mule!
Zoro shuddered visibly at the thought before strolling away from the silently crying Sasquatch, retrieving his swords from amongst the unconscious tribesmen. He hadn't gotten any booze or even a fight worth breaking a sweat over, and now he was being cheated out of a meal, too.
Fucking old hag. This was definitely her fault.
Zoro paused in front of Sasquatch again, noticing how the creature had ceased its blubbering and remained stoic even at the sound of his sword being pulled from its sheath, which strangely made Zoro more adverse to killing it than all its begging had. Maybe eating the damn thing wasn't such a good idea after all, since talking Sasquatches were probably hard to come by. Besides, white-haired mammals gave him heartburn. Zoro cut the ropes binding Sasquatch with finessed ease, vaguely surprised when the creature managed to avoid falling directly into the fire.
Sasquatch looked up at him with teary, thankful eyes.
Yeah. Zoro was a real softy at heart. He made a mental note to stop this horrible habit of his.
Zoro waited expectantly for Sasquatch to speak its thanks, impatient to move on and find a real fucking meal to quiet his angry stomach.
"Sir, you're completely naked."
"You're welcome, you shitty Sas- excuse me?"
Bepo felt compelled to make use of his newfound vocabulary.
"Sir, you're bare-ass naked."
Sasquatch promptly passed out, probably from relief that it was not, in fact, going to be eaten.
Zoro looked down at himself for confirmation.
Well, damn.
ooo
Law stepped onto the shore of the island, a nonchalant expression hiding the worry gnawing at his insides.
Bepo had not returned at the appointed time, which was extremely unlike the timid, obedient bear. The crew hadn't seen their navigator since docking yesterday, and Law had decided to listen to his instincts and search for his wayward subordinate. All he'd found for his troubles was a pile of the bear's tidily folded clothing.
Law sighed, kneading the bridge of his nose to ease the headache that had built up since Bepo's disappearance.
Why didn't anyone ever listen to him? That idiot bear had gone exactly where he'd tried to warn his crew not to go, and now the fool was probably suffering the consequences. To make matters worse, the Strawhats had discovered their resident green-haired swordsman was also missing when they'd run into Law searching through town. If one of the Supernovas had been taken down, Bepo had no chance of surviving whatever evil lurked on this island.
The rest of his crew, along with the Strawhats, slowly filtered into the agreed meeting spot on the island. Luffy sprang down in front of him, the serious look on his normally goofy face looking oddly misplaced.
"We've gone through the whole island. We found leftovers of a fight, but no swords were used, so it might not have been Zoro for sure," Luffy said, sliding a finger distractedly into his nose. Law's frown deepened.
"We still haven't found any sign of them ei-"
"AH-YEE-AH-YEEH-AHHHH!"
The jungle foliage in front of the group rustled violently before parting to reveal a muscled figure swinging out from the trees. Both crews stared in stunned silence as Zoro landed lithely on his feet, the charred but unmistakable body of Bepo slung proudly over his shoulder like a fresh kill.
Law inexplicably felt like banging his face into the nearest rock. Repeatedly.
"Zoro, where are your clothes?!" Nami yelled, the first to recover. The swordsman was clad in a simple loincloth, much like the group of tribesmen had worn when the Strawhats stumbled across their unconscious forms. Nami couldn't help but stare at the abundant amount of wonderfully ripped flesh exposed to her eyes. His muscles coiled powerfully with every step forward, perfectly showcased by his tanned, glistening skin-
Wait. Why the hell did he have oil rubbed all over his body like some… some-
"Kinky barbarian pornstar?" Robin supplied helpfully, an amused smirk curling her lips as she eyed the swordsman appreciatively next to the orange-haired navigator.
"Exactly! Wait, how'd you know-" Nami whirled around to face her friend, understanding quickly dawning in her eyes as the younger female realized she must have spoken her thoughts aloud.
"Fucking bar pigmies ruined them," Zoro grumbled in answer to Nami's previous question. He set down the wet, slightly burnt mass in front of Law like an offering. Hopefully the Heart Captain and the navigating Witch didn't notice the wet part. Zoro had been hungry, and just because he couldn't directly eat Sasquatch didn't mean he couldn't use the thing as bait. Besides, it turned out that lots of delicious monsters were attracted to Sasquatch meat, and it wasn't like the creature had been conscious for any of it. Zoro was sure the terrified screams he'd heard had just been his imagination.
"Your crewmate. The Sasquatch," Zoro stated with a satisfied smile. "The only reason I didn't eat him was because of this damn alliance. So you owe me booze money."
Law opened his mouth to argue but resignedly decided it wasn't really worth it. Snapping his jaw shut, Law dragged a weary hand over his face before pulling a pouch from his back pocket.
"Fine."
Zoro smirked triumphantly as he caught the purse of coins, yelling for the "Shitty Cook" to make some food before stalking off towards the Sunny. Law squatted down towards his friend, patting his furry face none too gently.
"Bepo. Bepo, you idiot bear, wake up," Law said. Bepo blearily opened his eyes, warily taking in the sight of the Death Surgeon.
"Captain? Is that really you?" Bepo asked hesitantly. Law felt his eyebrows pull together in confusion.
"Of course. Who else would it be?"
Bepo launched all sixteen hundred and fourteen pounds of fluffy bear mass towards his Captain, burying his head into the fearsome Death Surgeon's stomach.
Law admirably followed Bepo's rambling story of fiery behinds, marimo devils, the horror of poor bestial dental hygiene, and something truly disturbing about him and a frilly pink apron, remaining silent throughout the bear's tale of misadventure. When Bepo finally finished, the Heart Captain gruffly patted the furry navigator on the head.
Yeah. Law was a real softy at heart. He made a mental note to stop this horrible habit of his.
"Whatever, Bepo, it's fine. I'm glad I don't have to go through the trouble of finding a new navigator. Or lounge pillow. Let's get you patched up," Law said, giving the bear his trademark smirk. Bepo looked up at his Captain and beamed, happy his leader wasn't horribly disappointed in him.
But as Law began to head towards the ship, Bepo hoisted easily over his shoulder, the Heart Captain asked the question that had nagged at him since he first found the suspiciously neat pile of black clothing.
"Bepo, why the hell are you naked if the tribesmen didn't take off your clothes?"
Review Please! Be gentle- it's my first fan fiction:)