Father was an immortal shadow fire demon dragon. Or something. In any case he had zero compunctions, reservations, or inhibitions. Except when it came to drink. His poison of choice was ice cream. He also was alone, alone, forever alone.
But he was alone because he had no inclination towards having a partner, not because he was hopelessly in love with someone in his teenage years or something like that. In his teenage years? Hm..Father thought back to when he was a teenager and found he couldn't remember a thing. Maybe he zapped himself with an age-changing cigar and turned directly from a kid into an adult. Who knows?
Father scooped up his 700th spoonful of ice cream today. Not this month, not this week, but today.
"Mmm, isn't this just scrumm-deeee-licious! Chocolate caramel triple fudge marshmallow!"
"I prefer Strawberry banana."
"Ah fine, whatever! You're boring!" shouted Father as he cleaned out another tub of ice cream.
Father owned 20% of the world's ice cream. But Father wasn't strictly a corporate tycoon, like Mr. Mogul, or a careful criminal who masked his illegal activity with a legitimate business like Mr. Boss that employed legitimate people. After all, Mr. Boss couldn't afford to get caught, he couldn't afford to be publicly linked to all the supervillain craziness held in the deepest most super-secret reaches of secretdom. Poor Fanny and Shaunie and Paddy would be whisked away to the loving hands of the state! But Father, being single, and having no kids aside from his brainwashed villains, which he gorged with obscene amounts of cake on their five birthdays, openly broke the law into eleventy-billion teeny shards and molded them into tiny cute glass horse sculptures with little pink-and-yellow saddles. Father had been in and out of the can for attempted murder, attempted mass murder, attempted cannibalism-his criminal record was as long as his internal body temperature was hot. He also never stayed in the gray bar hotel for very long, because he melted the bars, the wall, and threatened to melt the guards, too.
But, he wasn't completely carefree: the 20% of ice cream he owned he owned and sold legally, it was only his loss prevention practices that were illegal regarding the ice cream business. But then rather than the ice cream company being a front company for his illegal business, he operated two companies separately: Tasty Taste Ice Cream sold ice cream, and Evil Adult Industries made attack vehicles and whatever else he needed for his quest for world domination. But Tasty Taste Ice Cream made only as much as a normal business could-the real money was in the crime, and as the slogan for Preferred Villains Club said, crime really did pay.
"Are you sure this is a good plan, Father?" asked his four most trusted Ice Cream Men. But not at the same time, though, since they weren't Delightful. One was even scratching his itchy butt through his white shorts and then he tested the new flavor fresh off the conveyor belt of the Tasty Taste Ice Cream Factory. As an Ice Cream Man, one of his duties was to test the ice cream.
"Of course I'm sure this is a good plan! This is my best plan yet-and ew, what did I tell you about using gloves, Ice Cream Man 4?!"
"Sorry, Father!" the large Ice Cream Man ran to the bathroom.
"What we were saying Father," said the most articulate Ice Cream Man. "-is that we were wondering if it's a good idea to get a patent for your new Broccoli Virus."
"It's too late to wonder about it: I've already applied!" Father rollickingly answered Ice Cream Man 1.
"But you're going to kill kids!"
"That's the idea!"
"And for the first time, Evil Adult Industries will be on the uh- cops' radar- linked to uh-the other stuff. The attempted murdery stuff. We were always uh..a bit more careful before-you know, with the ice cream station being in space and all..and..you weren't really going to destroy all the Ice Cream in Texas, were you?" Ice Cream Man 1 asked nervously. "That's a lot of property damage..and that would've implicated Tasty Taste Ice Cream..!"
Father answered by punctuating every emphasized word with a different gesture-"Your point being?" held his fists at shoulder-level-" I put the ice cream station in space" jabbed thumb backwards-"because it's an ice cream cake!" waved a hand at the empty ice cream tubs-" And yes, I was going to destroy-" -held one hand on the table, while the other a fist quavering with rage in front of his face- "all the ice cream in the universe," -extended his arms outwards sharply- "which last time I checked INCLUDES Texas. If the plan HAD worked you could just claim you didn't know what the ice cream-destroying ray DID! Anyway, if johnny LAW nabs me for this one, I'll be criminally liable for that attempted destruction of all the ice cream in the universe, so how does that affect you?"
"But-you don't understand the chain of liability, Father! The ice cream ship we were on belongs to Tasty Taste Ice Cream!" fretted Ice Cream Man 1.
"But the ray was made by Evil Adult Industries," Father replied calmly.
"And how can we possibly convince the judge that we had no knowledge of what the ray's purpose was, while our purpose was to uh, cut the cake! That means we had knowledge of the cake."
"A perfectly innocent purpose."
"And the cake's contents!"
"Not necessarily..."
"And what about the Elite Ice Cream Men?"
"They work solely for Evil Adult Industries."
"But Ice Cream Men? Ice cream? How would the prosecutor not make the connection between Elite Ice Cream Men and Tasty Taste Ice Cream Company?.! Before you took over the company, the Elite Ice Cream Men were just Ice Cream Men, working for Tasty Taste Ice Cream Factory! When you took over you shunted half of them into Evil Adult Industries!"
"It was the same company. Now they're two different companies! How many times have I included you four in a plan for adults to rule the world? This is the first time. 'Cause I think it's high time that Evil Adult Industries and Tasty Taste Ice Cream merged!" Father brought his hands close together sharply. You don't think so?"
"So are we abandoning all attempts at secrecy?" asked Ice Cream Man 3 soberly, the oldest one with the gray hair. "I have a spouse and kids and three mortgages, you know. I haven't been able to tell little Johnny what I do for a living because it involves kidnapping and trying to kill little kids! I mean I hate kids, the same as you, but Evil Adult Industries'll be known publicly and Tasty Taste Ice Cream Company will be dragged down with it! Everyone will know that I work for a criminal organization!"
Ice Cream Man 1, now more bold, seconded Ice Cream Man 3.
"I was thinking of an exit strategy, something I want to do after being an Ice Cream Man. I don't want my exit strategy to be life in prison! Two years for check fraud was bad enough! And you can break out of prison whenever you like because of your fire powers, but where does that leave the rest of us? If we get caught we're done! Our lives are ruined!"
"You can back out any time you want, you know," Father said abruptly as he whirled his red chair, which he owned about 50 identical versions of, around away from the Ice Cream Men. "But just so you know I might not seek your assistance for the next venture."
"Fine with us. Right guys?" asked Ice Cream Man 3 forcefully.
Ice Cream Man 2's brow furrowed, thinking over the risks.
"I mean, I been to the slammer for fightin' n' stuff.."
"This won't be for fighting," said Ice Cream Man 3. "It'll be for Evil Adult Industries being made public-by being linked to the murder of the Kids Next Door, and all because of a government patent. Up until now we've done everything strictly off the books."
"Yeah, but we tried to off th' Kids Next Door before..We kidnapped 'em before too. And that was as Tasty Ice, not Evil Adult," said Ice Cream Man Number 2.
"On a deserted highway, yeah! In secret! Not announcing to the world, 'hey, this is my company's crime for which my employees'll be held VERY liable'!"Ice Cream Man 3 got more and more stressed out. He had taken this job under the pretense that it was aboveboard, and it had seemed so not-risky-ice cream? It was just kid's stuff. And guard it from kids trying to steal it? Sure thing, not a problem. Little did he know back then...
"You want some insurance, Ice Cream Man 3?" Father turned his red chair again to face the Ice Cream Men, staring at them neutrally with his large narrowed yellow eyes, folding his shadowed hands on his desk. "The adults that aren't villains'll just think the brats got hit with some incurable disease."
"And how can you be 100% sure of that, Father?" answered back Ice Cream Man 3.
"Because, Ice Cream Man 3, broccoli's only harmful to children. How do you think that damp rolled-up wad of failure Toilenator can eat asparagus and be completely fine? Because he's an adult. You could scarf down the stuff fine I'd bet too. Enough assurance for you?"
"Yes, Father," Ice Cream Man 3 finally looked relieved.
"THEN GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Father ignited himself with flames that jumped ten feet high, crackling savagely. The red chair caught fire too. Father was so angry he wasn't using his psychic energy to block the burning effects of his fire.
"But Father, I thought-" the gray-haired man said. surprised. Father stood up abruptly, pointing his wicked index finger at all four of the terrified Ice Cream Men.
"YOU HAD your chance! Do you think I was going to take villains on this job that had second thoughts?! You're either in all the way or YOU'RE OUT THE DOOR! IF you can get OUT, that is!"
Father set the solid oak door flame while still standing at his flaming desk, and the Ice Cream Men clustered around the burning door in fear, trapped and unable to get out. Father was a second away from unceremoniously firing his villains when-
"Do not worry, Father. We will help you infect the Kids Next Door. And not have second thoughts," five pairs of pale blue eyes threw sidelong glances at the Ice Cream Men.
Honestly. You've worked for Father for this long and you haven't realized that he's in it for the mayhem?
Delightful Children, why'd you save them from becoming crispy critters? Don't tell me you think they're worth pity...
The big monster eyed the five little monsters dangerously.
The Delightful Children had assessed the risk, and had unexpectedly taken it, by getting in between Father and his targets. They braced themselves for the flame to grow like a hungry red beast...
"We only wanted to get rid of them," said the Delightful Children-they were extremely scared, but because the Ice Cream Men were even more scared, it made them feel better and they gave their explanation more calmly. "They were annoying us. It would have been very bothersome to sweep their ashy remains into the dustbin."
This time, the Delightful Children's own evil was on their side and Father's fire slowly receded into his burning dark body as the Ice Cream Men took off their shirts, smothered the flames that had gutted the doorframe, and ran out the door in terror.
"Why thank you for being so considerate, my Delightful Children," Father said with a wide grin obscured by his internal shadows. "Now. This plan has two simple phases..."