Soichiro Yagami understood that everyone had their own quirks, little habits that they did out of boredom, nervousness, or repetition. Some people chewed their nails, some twirled their hair, some tapped their foot, some even paced. These little quirks did not bother Soichiro because they were easy to overlook. However, a certain individual's "quirks" were harder to look past, regardless of his genius intellect or his detective skills.
L, also known as Ryuzaki, had a habit of eating what seemed like an eight course meal that consisted solely of desserts and junk food, and he had to slurp every single piece of food that he pushed past his lips, which grated on Chief Yagami's nerves. Initially, Soichiro was willing to overlook this little quirk of L's since he felt privileged to work with the world famous detective who had never lost a case. However, after spending months with the sweets-loving detective and hearing him slurp every food he inserted into his mouth, Soichiro's patience ran thin. He grimaced every single time L's enabler/butler, Watari, brought out a cart of cakes, ice cream, fruit smothered in syrup, and the like for L to inhale while he and the rest of the team discussed taking down Kira.
Soichiro found his breaking point one late night when they were gathered in L's hotel room. L stared at Soichiro as if he could peer past Soichiro's eyes and read every last one of his sins, ever successful in making Soichiro exceedingly uncomfortable, while Watari brought in coffee for the team to help keep them awake. Since the rest of the team took their coffee black, L was the only one who made use of the sugar bowl and cream holder.
L dumped the contents of the cream holder into his own coffee mug, which had been wisely filled only one third of the way with coffee by Watari, and then plopped what had to be fifteen sugar cubes into his mug. Soichiro winced as L stirred the overly sweet drink, and he found that his toes started hurting at the thought of him ingesting such a concoction.
Before L took his first sip, he commented about how five more prison inmates had died of heart attacks, but Soichiro was only half-listening, dreading L's first sip. L brought his sugar, cream, and splash of coffee up to his lips and took the first sip, slurping loudly as if that was his way of asserting his dominance, like an un-fixed male dog would by urinating on some unsuspecting person's shoes. Soichiro scowled and buried his urge to throw his coffee at L by looking down at his knees and taking a sip of his coffee, which had not sufficiently cooled yet, burning his tongue.
Soichiro didn't care.
L continued to talk in that droning voice of his about how to take Kira down, but Soichiro continued to glare at his knees and sip his scalding drink.
"Chief?" L finally said, directing Soichiro's attention to him.
Soichiro looked up. "Hm? Oh, yes. What is it you were saying, Ryuzaki?"
"I wask asking if you already knew about the five most recent murders."
"Oh, yes. Yes, I am aware. As always, my team and I are committed to this case and are always searching for possible leads."
"Good," L said blandly, then returned to his drink, making that hideous slurping sound yet again.
Soichiro's eye twitched and, without thinking, he lunged and slapped the drink out of L's hand. The others gasped while the mug seemed to fall in slow motion before finally crashing on the ground and shattering.
L looked down at the broken mug with his lifeless eyes. "Well," he said dully, "that was rude."
"Goddammit, man!" Soichiro roared, getting to his feet. "You are not four years old!"
Without waiting for any further response, Chief Yagami gathered his things and stormed out of the room, leaving a bewildered Task Force and a bored L behind.
Chief Yagami was behind a computer the next time Matsuda saw him. Matsuda calmly approached the Chief, who was scowling and muttering under his breath while he typed furiously on the computer.
"Ah, Chief?" Matsuda said quietly. "Are you okay, sir? What happened yesterday?"
"I've just about had it, Matsuda," Yagami replied, keeping his eyes on his computer screen and continuing to type whatever it was that he was writing. "If we are to continue to work with L with our sanity intact, there are a few changes that have to be made."
"What is it that upset you so much yesterday, Chief?" Matsuda asked gently.
"L's eating habits," Yagami growled, practically pounding the keys in his agitation.
"Oh."
"I know it bothers the rest of you, too."
"Well, yeah," Matsuda agreed, "but we figured we shouldn't say anything. We all know that geniuses like Ryuzaki tend to be...eccentric."
"Eccentric, my mustache!" Yagami snapped. "I will no longer tolerate such behavior!"
"What is it exactly you're doing, Chief?"
"I'm putting out an ad for help. Read it if you want."
Matsuda came closer and peered at the computer screen over Yagami's shoulder so he could see better.
Wanted: Person with experience in child discipline.
Job Description: Teaching manners to inconsiderate man-child.
Requirements: Must speak Japanese or English. Discipline credentials and references. Willing to have background check run. Must be willing to move to Japan.*
Description of Inconsiderate Man-child: Twenty-five year old male with horrible manners. Needs correcting. Slurps every food item imaginable, including potato chips. Stares at people for uncomfortably long periods of time. Subjects others to the sight of his filthy feet. He is a brilliant man, but lacks even the most basic social skills, and seems to exist on a diet of desserts. The closest thing he gets to something healthy is strawberries drowning in sugary syrup. He will probably have to get his feet chopped off if he continues on like this if he doesn't die of a heart attack from a lack of sleep.
Accommodations will be made. *Flight and room and board will be paid for.
Salary shall be discussed.
Matsuda looked back at the Chief when he was finished reading through the plea for help. "Do you think that this is necessary, Chief?"
Yagami leaned back in his chair and stared pointedly at the computer screen. "Yes, Matsuda. I think this is very necessary."
To be continued.
Author's Note: I got this idea months ago while watching Death Note, where I found myself wishing that L had some kind of nanny to correct his godawful manners.