wow ! this is my very first fanfic (ever) so i'm a little nervous posting this! :(

it might be a little rushed and it's not beta'd so they're might be some mistakes but go easy on me lol

im a huge friends fan and chandler is my favorite so im probably gonna project onto him a little oops

In his 27 years of life, Chandler Bing has made many bad choices, but this one may take the cake.

He's facing a closed door in an unfamiliar apartment complex, regretting nearly every impulse that brought him here.

He should be at home right now. He left work a little earlier then normal (in his defense, he really doesn't feel well), and on his walk home, took a few different turns and now he's having a staring contest with a door.

He's sure he's about to experience one of the awkwardest conversations of his life, and that's really saying something for him.

Sure, she went to college with him and sure, he was the best man at her wedding but Chandler doesn't consider her anything more then maybe a close acquaintance. He can't remember ever spending any time alone with her, not even in college.

Knock, knock, knock-

Wait.

Did he just knock on her door?

Chandler feels nauseas as the panic settles in. He could probably take off running right now and make it around the corner and out of sight before-

"Chandler?"

Too late.

"Chandler, are you okay?" Shit.

He's suddenly not sure he can form a coherent sentence as he meets the gaze of a concerned looking Carol Willick. A million excuses run through his head but he can't find one good enough to explain his unexpected visit. Chandler knows he doesn't look good, he's sweaty, his hands are shaking and the hour of sleep he got last night sure isn't helping the bags under his eyes.

"N-no. Sorry, I guess I took a wrong turn on my way home! I'll just-I'll leave, sorry I-" Chandler stutters, backing away and feeling sicker by the second.

"Chandler wait! It's ok." She takes his hand and he flinches, painfully aware of how sweaty his palms are. "Come inside. It's fine, really."

She pulls him into the apartment and the nausea rises as he notices the worry etched in her face.

But then again, why wouldn't she be worried? It's not everyday your ex-husband's best friend shows up shaking on your doorstep. Damn, he really is pathetic.

"Here sit down, I'll get you a glass of water." She guides him to the couch before moving to the kitchen.

"Where are Susan and Ben?" Chandler asks when she returns. She hands him a glass of tap water and he takes it in both hands.

"Susan wanted to let me rest so she took Ben out for the afternoon. She should be back soon."

Oh.

"Oh. Sorry, I didn't know you were resting, I can leave-" He moves to get up but she places a hand on his shoulder and pushes him back down to the coach.

"Chandler, it's fine. I couldn't sleep anyway." He twists his hands in his lap and she continues. "Is everything okay, though? You look… upset."

"This is how I always look," Chandler makes an effort to joke but it falls flat. "I am fine though. I'm just… dealing with things."

"Anything I can help with? You did come to my house."

"Yeah I just-… I wanted to ask you something." He might as well get this over with.

Carol nods patiently and waits for him to figure out how exactly he wants to phrase this. The silence is awkward but she doesn't pressure him to hurry and for that, Chandler is thankful.

He clears his throat.

"Sorry, this isn't easy for me."

"Take your time," She smiles and Chandler feels a little better.

"How did you… know?" Carol gazes at him questioningly so he tries again. "When did you know that you were… y'know… a lesbian?"

He whispers the last word, like it's a secret between the two of them.

She laughs softly and her smile is understanding and for the first time all day, Chandler doesn't feel like the world is falling down around him. She pauses to think and this silence is far more comforting then the last one.

"I think I always knew, but I didn't want to be so I wasn't." Now it's Chandler's turn to be confused but before he can say anything, Carol continues.

"I was in high school when I started having those kind of thoughts about girls, but my parents were against that kind of lifestyle so I suppressed those thoughts to keep them happy." Carol says, gazing down at her hands

"I'm sure that wasn't easy."

"It wasn't. I hated it- pretending to be someone I wasn't. When I got to college I started dating Ross and he was so passionate about us and my parents loved him so I let myself get caught up in it. It was fun but it wasn't what I wanted."

"Did you ever… love Ross?" Chandler asks cautiously. It's a heavy question, but he feels like he has to know.

"I did, but not the way he loved me. I didn't mean to hurt him, Chandler. Ross is a great guy but I met Susan and she gave me everything Ross couldn't. She was everything I wanted but couldn't have." She sounds desperate and Chandler's heart clenches for her.

He had no idea Carol was hurt by this as much as Ross. He'd never heard her side of the story before.

"I fell in love with her and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Admitting it to myself that I was in love with a woman, and admitting it to Ross." Her voice shakes and the panic returns. Chandler's never been good with dealing with crying women.

"He looked so hurt when I told him." Carol says, "But I don't regret it- any of it. Susan has made me happier then I've ever been."

A drop of water lands on his hands and Chandler realizes he's also crying. He stares at the drop, startled by his own emotions.

He never cries.

"Chandler, are you alright? I didn't mean to make you sad." Carol says softly, handing him a box of tissues. He sniffs loudly and shakes his head.

"You didn't- it's fine. I'm just-"

"Dealing with stuff?" She finishes for him and he nods, blowing his nose into a tissue. "I know we aren't that close but if you want to tell me anything…"

"I'm in a pretty similar situation to yours, I think," He says, breathing out a soft laugh. "I've always sorta had these thoughts about guys but… I forced myself to like women to distance myself from my dad"

He breaks off and Carol smiles sympathetically and reaches across to place a comforting hand on his knee. It gives him the strength to keep going.

"My father left when I was nine years old, to be gay and open an all-male burlesque, and I swore then I would be nothing like him. But I have this…"

"Quality?" Carol says and Chandler glares half-heartedly at her.

"Sure- I have this quality and I have these thoughts about this guy and I don't know what to do with them." He stands up and now that he's talking, he can't shut up. Every single repressed thought and feeling is bubbling to the surface and his mouth is overflowing with words.

"What would my mom say? Would she think I'm like my dad? What about my friends? They all think I'm straight, and what would he say? God, he'd hate me if he ever found out! He's so important to me, it'd kill me if I lost him."

Chandler can't stop. He's horrible with expressing himself but he finds it's easier to talk to someone who barely knows him. He wouldn't even dream of telling his friends something like this.

"I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus! And it's making me sick, it's actually making me sick! I've never liked someone so much he makes me sick! And it's not like I can avoid him, I see him everyday!" He shouts, throwing his hands to his hair and fisting it in frustration.

"Chandler, calm down," Carol stands up and gently pulls his hands down before he can hurt himself. "It's okay."

Her voice brings him back and Chandler lets her guide him back down to the couch.

"I'm sorry," His voice cracks from yelling and he's started sweating again.

"Don't apologize," She rubs her thumb over his knuckles comfortingly and Chandler focuses on stopping his hands from trembling.

It's quiet again and it gives him time to feel embarrassed about spilling his heart to his best friend's ex-wife.

"Who is it?" Carol's voice breaks the silence and Chandler takes a deep breath before answering this.

"Joey."

Admitting is easier then he thought it would be. Admitting the name of the man who's tormented his thoughts, sent him into a panicked frenzy, made him physically ill and been the source of his misery (and joy) for the past few months, is easier then he thought it would be.

It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he feels lighter all of a sudden.

Carol thinks for a minute, and Chandler assumes she's trying to put a face to the name.

"He's your roommate, right? The actor?" She asks, and Chandler nods.

"I can't stop thinking about him. I've never been in love before but I think- I think I could love him, or… maybe I already do."

"Is he…?"

"He's straight."

Admitting that brings the weight right back again.

"You should still tell him," Carol says, and he's sure it's good advice but Chandler still shakes his head.

"No. He's my best friend, I don't want risk what we have," He says. "I'd rather feel like this then lose him forever."

Carol nods and continues to rub his knuckles.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I really needed someone to talk to, my friend's wouldn't understand," Chandler smiles. "You were the only person I could think to go to. Thank you."

Carol smiles back at him and they both stand.

"I still think you should tell him."

"I'll think about it. Thanks though," Chandler mutters.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Chandler," She pulls him into a hug and Chandler relaxes into it. He's the first to admit that he loves a good hug and Carol gives a good hug.

They separate and move to the door, and begin saying their goodbyes.

"We should do this again, here's my number," Carol says, handing him a slip of paper. Chandler pockets it with a smile.

"This is totally gonna kill Ross! But I definitely will though- Hey! We should do lunch sometime! Bring Susan and Ben too!" Chandler says.

He pulls the door open and suddenly finds himself face to face with Susan, who's carrying Ben on her hip. She stares at the two of them, her hand still hovering near the doorknob and a surprised look on her face.

"Susan! You remember Chandler, right? He's one of Ross' friends," Carol says, taking Ben from Susan's arms.

"Yeah," She says cautiously, "What's he doing here?"

"I'm actually leaving now, but it was good to see you Susan! Thanks again Carol!" Chandler says, moving past her and walking down the hallway as Susan offers a confused goodbye and Carol calls out a 'good luck'!

—

The next morning, Chandler wakes up feeling exponentially better then he has in the past few months. He can't remember the last time he slept this well.

He pulls on his robe and walks into the living as Joey leaves his own room.

"Hey!" He says, when he sees Chandler, "I was gonna head over to Monica's for breakfast, you comin'?"

"Yeah man, totally!" Chandler grins as they walk across the hall and for the things feel okay for once.

They sit down next to each other as Monica finishes up the eggs and Chandler silently decides to Joey how he feels. Maybe not today or even tomorrow but someday resolves to get this weight off his chest.

im not gonna lie this ending is shit so i'll probably visit this again and either fix the ending or give it a second chapter idk ? :-)

i have like 2 other chandler centric fanfics started tho so hopefully i can get those up pretty soon! hope y'all liked it?