A/N; This is Part 1 of Stefan's funeral.
Elena watched as the others all took white paper lanterns out too from purses or behind a rock or bush they had left it at. She smiled when Damon handed her one and a thick black pen. She sat there and drew in a deep breath, thinking of who she all was going to write down on her lantern.
"Now I realize this won't actually do anything and I still think its cheesy and stupid. This is a Japanese tradition." Damon smirked a little, remembering telling Ric's tombstone the same thing last time. "And newsflash...we're not Japanese. But my idiot baby bro thought it would help us heal from our losses. So I want to honor him by doing what he would want. This is not all about me, just because I'm the last surviving Salvatore. This is about Stefan and I know somewhere in that guilt ridden, angsty, brooding head of his, he thought this would help you all with your grief then, so that is why I thought we would do it now. So please share a memory or two about Stefan and then share who you want to remember and we will light them all together at the end."
Elena smiled at him, hearing him speak honestly and openly about his brother. He seemed to be holding it together pretty well so far. She finished writing her names on her lantern just as he was quiet waiting for someone to share first and she moved to stand beside running her hand up and into the curls at the base of his neck and she felt him shiver at her touch. He smiled down at her before turning to the rest of the group.
Everyone looked around at each other. Damon's eyes settled on Caroline. "Do you want to share first Care?" He realized that since she had become his family he had mostly stopped with the vampire and blonde nicknames of hers and he felt more affectionate and protective of her, even with her still being a vampire just because she was his sister-in-law now.
She shook her head and still looked so emotional. "Mmm nnn, I'm not ready yet. Someone else go." She was still sitting on the ground, wringing her hands in the sleeve of Stefan's fuzzy black sweater he had on the night before their wedding.
Matt stepped forward nodding at Damon. "Sure Donovan go ahead," Damon motioned to him.
"Well I started off super jealous of Stefan when he first came to town. But I knew deep down he was a great guy and I could see how much he cared for Elena. He was the dark stranger that was attractive to most of the high school girls. He struck me as a rich jerk at first, someone that had everything and was above us little town people. But that was not who he was at all. I saw over the years how much he hurt when others hurt and how he wanted to always try spare people pain."
He started choking up as he spoke and felt Elena move toward him and rest her head on his shoulder for support. He cleared his throat. "I uh, haven't told anyone else this but Stefan tried to spare me from one of the deepest pains of my life. Some of you might not even know that I was married but I was and she was amazing. But she died tragically far too soon and Stefan led me to believe that he killed her. He took that hatred I had, desperate for someone to blame and full of anger and revenge, onto himself and he would rather me hate him than myself."
Everyone was so quiet as he spoke and Elena found his hand and squeezed it. She had no idea he had been married. She missed so much of all their lives.
He felt the emotion overwhelm him and he struggled to just say the next words. "I found out that it was an accident how she died and that I actually had been the one to shoot her. I killed my own wife," he cried, tears slipping down his cheeks. He felt Elena's arms go around his waist holding him as he sobbed. He coughed and wiped his tears, his voice shaking. "Stefan took that on himself so I would not hate myself for the accident. That is the kind of man I am honoring tonight."
He heard a sob from Caroline at his words and he smiled sadly at her, reaching for her and she stood up, came toward him and hugged him too.
He opened up his lantern, tear streaks on his face. "So this is for Penny, my beautiful perfect Penny. And for Stefan, and Vicky. And my mom who died and I did not even know it till years later. And for my best friend in the world Tyler who was taken from us far to young too."
Elena gasped and whirled to look at Damon. Tyler was gone? She felt more tears in her eyes. He nodded to her from across the circle that they had made of the people there and she felt a sob building. So much had changed in a few short years.
Jeremy walked closer and put his arms on Matt's shoulder and there were tears in his eyes too. "I'm so sorry man. I had no idea."
Matt nodded to him, his eyes red from crying and sniffled back more tears. He smiled sadly down at Elena who still had her arms around him too and she too looked so mournful for his loss.
"Umm, Damon told me this pretty last minute," Jeremy started, taking his turn. "I wrote out my list on the ride over. But what I want to share about Stefan besides his devotion to always keeping my sister safe was how he saved my life a couple times." He squeezed Elena's shoulder as he felt her arm go around his waist too as she stood between him and Matt.
Jeremy smiled down at his sister and continued. "Stefan literally threw me out of the tomb when Katherine had me trapped and was killing me. He was willing to go in where he knew he could not get out, to save me from the she devil. I had my ring but I still was being sucked dry over and over. And later when that freak hunter Connor Jordan had pushed me on the panel with the explosive spikes that would kill me if I moved, Stefan jumped in the way and saved my life. I didn't even have my ring then and would have died a horrible death."
"But the biggest thing about Stefan I remember was his trust and respect of me. He didn't treat me like a kid. He cared about me, he took the time to explain things to me and even trusted me with the knowledge of how to kill vampires. I really appreciated his respect. And most of all the fact that he saved my sister's life from the car that night when our parents died."
He felt tears now when he was determined not to cry just like he saw Matt struggle before. Elena hugged him closer, her head on his arm. "I would likely have killed myself in the grief if I had lost my sister too that night. Losing both my parents shocked me to my core and I spiraled badly from them not being in my life. Stefan saved my sister and me that night at the lake and will never forget that."
He wiped his tears away roughly and opened his lantern. "So I already had done this before, but I'm happy to honor the people I loved again. This is for my mom, and dad, for Jenna, and Uncle John. For Anna and Vicky, Tyler and Stefan. May they all find peace and know somehow how much they meant to us and the difference they made in our lives."
Elena felt more tears slip down her cheeks as she listened to her brother. She sniffled them back and hugged him again. She turned to see Bonnie standing up and stepping forward.
"Um, I'm not sure at all what to share," she started and could already feel tears in her eyes.
Elena watched as Damon moved across the circle and wrapped his arms around Bonnie and she laid her head on his chest. He rubbed her back up and down and she inhaled deeply. Lifting her head she spoke again.
"I know Stefan cared about me and all of you. I watched him as he saw Caroline walk up the aisle toward him." She turned to her friend. "He was in awe seeing you. He loved you so much Care."
Stefan's widow let out another sob and nodded at her, her hands clasped by her face.
"He protected Elena and me so many times over the years. He struggled so much with his past, the darkness in him. We all have darkness but Stefan fought his almost daily and still he put other's needs before himself as much as he could.
Damon felt her slipping in his arms as he held her and his arms went around her more securely, holding her up as he felt her body start to shake.
"I never got a chance to tell him I forgave him," she mumbled. "Enzo knew that forgiving him would set me free from my hate, from everything I was feeling. I know that Stefan was not even a fraction of the man he really was when he was high on human blood. We all have vices and addictions and things that we fight to control instead of letting it control us." She struggled more, her voice shaking and weak as she continued, spurred on by Damon's strength. "So I know it was not truly him standing on the porch that day, but I never told him that."
Damon was holding her up against him and Jeremy stepped closer and put his hand on her shoulder too. She sniffled as she looked back and forth at both the men in her life that she cared so much for. Even Matt moved closer and smiled sadly at her knowing the pain of her loss as it had affected him deeply to lose the person he loved most in the world too.
"I want him to know that I forgive him and I need to do it for me; to move forward." She started crying harder and just lay her head against Damon again, her hands gripping the edges of his leather jacket.
Elena moved closer too and put her hand on her friends back, while looking up at Damon. He nodded and turned Bonnie to her and they hugged and cried. Elena had no idea what had happened and she hated feeling so disconnected from all their lives. There was so much pain that she didn't even understand.
Bonnie lifted her head back up and knelt to pick up her lantern. She opened it up and looked around the circle. "This is for Enzo. My love forever. And for my Grams, and my Dad." She turned her head back to Damon. "And for Stefan. I pray too that he will find peace beyond his guilt. Enzo told me he forgave him and I want to try to do the same."
"I'm so sorry Bon," Damon whispered and she smiled sadly at him.
Elena stepped forward. "I know I don't understand nearly all of the pain you have all had these last couple years and I am so sorry for all of you. And I am there for you if you need to talk or cry, or just have someone to lean on." She looked around at Matt and Bonnie and Jeremy.
"But I want to honor Stefan too. He came into my life at a time when I just didn't know how to live. He saved me from the lake that night but he also saved me in so many more ways. I loved him dearly and even after we broke up, we were able to remain close friends. He showed me how to be brave, and how to face my fears. He was willing to die in Jenna's place for me to not lose her. The pain on his face when he helplessly watched me dying I'll never forget. He wanted to save me when Matt and I crashed off Wickery Bridge too and yet he still honored my choice."
She put her arm around Damon and nuzzled against his shoulder. She knew it might be hard to hear her feelings about his brother, especially knowing he so clearly would have saved her and let Matt drown. But he smiled down at her and kissed the top of her head reassuring her to continue.
She breathed deeply thinking back. "Stefan gave himself up to save Damon from dying from the werewolf bite and if he had not done that I would never have had the chance to explore the greatest love of my life." Damon bent his head to look at her, his mouth turned up in a real, honest smile as she spoke. "He even fought his blood lust to keep me safe and staked himself to not hurt me."
"He was my first love and we shared dates, and dances, laughter, so many tears and comforting hugs. He brought me flowers and we kissed at the top of the Ferris wheel and he showed me that life was worth pushing through the pain to find the little moments of joy. He just wanted me to be happy."
She pulled Damon closer to her as she spoke, and she was still scared that her honesty could be hurting him. But he looked down at her smiling sadly, and it looked like he was understanding her feelings while his hand slipped into hers again and started rubbing circles on her palm to sooth her.
So Elena continued pouring out her heart. "He could see something between Damon and I and he encouraged me to find out who I really wanted to be with. He was planning to leave town when I had chosen Damon and give us the chance to be happy. I will always love him and now even as I slept he gave up his life and his future so that I could have a future with his brother."
She felt the tears in her eyes, her emotions right at the surface. "Stefan knew how much I wanted to be a mom and raise a family and because of him, Damon and I have been given the chance to do that." She looked around and saw everyone smiling at her, most of them with tears in their eyes. Even Caroline was trying to smile.
She held up her lantern. "So this is for Stefan. I hope and pray he has finally found peace and is looking down on us and will laugh and cry watching the lives that he made possible." She had held in her sobs and it seemed like now it was too much and she felt them choke her as she finished. "And to my parents, and Jenna, and my dad John, Tyler and Jo. And to all the people that our town has lost over the years."
Damon stroked her hair and she rested her head against his chest when she was done. He looked up at Caroline and raised his eyebrows. She shook her head again.
"I can't Damon," she sobbed sinking to the ground again, her arms around herself clutching Stefan's sweater between her fingers. "I can't. I'm not ready to let him go yet. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want it to be over!" Her head fell to her knees, her body wracking with pain. Elena and Bonnie both went to her and put their arms around her as she cried.
Damon nodded to her and knew it was his turn. How could he ever find the words to say goodbye to his only brother? He shook his head, trying to focus his mind and looked around at everyone there.
"Well I am still trying to grasp how to do this humanity stuff without my brother. I spent so much time hating him for his choices and didn't stop to think that time could eventually run out. I thought we would both just be around forever and I would have the time to makeup for things later. I miss him so much and I still don't feel I deserve to be the one standing here with you today." He felt Elena back at his side, her hand rubbing up and down on his back soothing him as his voice started to shake.
"I wasted so much time. I was the big brother and I should have been the one to make the sacrifice. I looked after Stefan most of our childhood. Mom was gone far to soon and dad was never there for us like a dad should be. I protected Stefan in the silliest ways. We would play hide and seek and Stefan would go hide in father's office knowing I would not dare go in there to find him. But what he didn't know was that I let him win so that father would never get Stefan in trouble for being where he shouldn't be. I took punishments on myself to keep him from getting hurt or in trouble."
"My brother wanted to be more of a father than ours ever was. He was so proud that he was going to be a dad to Lizzie and Josie. He loved them like they were his own and it is so unfair that they have to grow up without him." He sniffled and felt a tear slip down his cheek.
"He would have given them the moon if they asked for it. Stefan told me on his wedding day how happy he was and that we truly ended up with the right people and that he was madly in love with Caroline. He could not wait to marry her.
He admired Elena for seeing past the darkness in me and Stefan said that in a way Elena brought us back together as brothers. And I couldn't agree more. Elena reminded us to see the good in each other and fight the hate and be brother's again after so long." He felt her hug him tighter as he spoke and he smiled down at her.
"My brother never gave up on me, ever. He saved my life over and over, from werewolf bites, fighting to bring me back from the sirens, and he even saved me from being trapped in hell forever." He felt his voice wavering, a sob in his throat. "I owe him everything. And I can never pay him back for his sacrifice."
He fell to his knees and Elena knelt right there with him, and crawled into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. He breathed in her scent and the peace and comfort he felt with her holding him.
He was determined to get through this without crying, but that was not looking likely and he felt the tears start to flow and he did not even have the strength or desire to stop them. He remembered Elena telling him to just feel and soak in his new humanity. So he did.
The once powerful, immortal, dark, cocky vampire was kneeling in the middle of the circle of people he cared about and crying for his brother. He had never let anyone see him cry until he had been human again and he embraced it and the flood of emotions his human heart was feeling.
He let the tears flow down his face as he lifted his head to push himself to finish. "Because of my brother, I can be a husband and a father. And I want to be the father that he wanted me to be, that our father never was and I want to make Stefan proud. I want to be there for your kids, Care, and be involved in your lives and be the best uncle I can be with my Auntie Elena." He made a cute face at her through his tears, just imagining her with kids around her.
"I don't want them to forget Stefan. I don't want this town to forget what he did. He died so Mystic Falls could survive and thrive and be a town we can let our kids grow up in and love just as we loved it. And its our responsibility to not waste that chance. My best friend Bonnie sent the hellfire back to hell and destroyed it so between her and Stefan Mystic Falls owes them everything." He smiled at Bonnie and she smiled back at him.
He sniffled, feeling Elena's lips against his neck. He reached over and held up his lantern. "Right now this doesn't seem as cheesy and stupid as I thought." He saw the long line of names on his lantern and he hoped he had not forgotten anyone. "So here is to you Stefan, my loving, feeling, emotional, selfless and empathic baby brother. I will always think of you in all the important moments of our lives. Your life and all you were showed me I was worth loving and I deserved to be happy. So the best thing I can do for you Stef is to love Elena, truly, madly, deeply. I can take care of your wife, my sister Caroline, the munchkins, and my best friend Bonnie in their unimaginable grief. I can be there for you Matt, and Jer, who I hope will be my brother someday."
He winked at him and then grinned with glassy, teary eyes back down at Elena and she gasped as she understood his meaning, her arms going tighter around him. He looked up at the dark starry night. "I want to work to heal my relationship with Ric too and I can do all that because of you little brother."
"This is also for our mother Lily Salvatore who too died to save her children, to save me. And for one of my biggest mistakes and deepest regrets; my brother's best friend Lexi who I took from him and I could never heal the hurt of him losing her."
He felt his chin quivering as he continued. "And to Tyler...I'm so, so sorry," he whispered as more tears streamed silently. "To Zach, and Tara who never deserved what I did to them. To Rose, and Anna, and our sister Sarah Salvatore, and Andie who I will miss. For my precious friend Liz Forbes and my best friend Enzo. I miss them and am so sorry they cannot be part of Elena and my human life." He wiped his tears again sure he was forgetting someone but feeling Elena in his arms he closed his eyes, running his hand through her hair. He leaned his head against hers and took in a long deep breath.
"You did amazing Damon. I'm glad you let yourself feel. It does not make you weak. When I look at you I still see the powerful vampire you were," she whispered into his ear and she felt him nod at her.
He uncrossed his legs to stand up and she helped him to his feet. Elena leaned against Damon's strong chest as they both turned to Caroline. She was the last one that had not shared and Elena smiled encouragingly at her to offer her support like she had been doing to everyone else.
"Care, are you sure you don't want to say a few words?" Elena prodded her gently.
She again shook her head. "I have so many feelings and they are still so raw and fresh. I want to but I don't know if I can. It hurts too much Lena!"
She was still sitting down on her spot on the ground. The others had been very quiet, watching and waiting. Elena saw sad faces all around her and she knew as hard as it had been for Damon to share, Caroline's pain was so deep too and nuzzling her body back into Damon she could not imagine how she would feel if she was forced to let him go.
She had already been through that, when Bonnie and him were lost in the prison world and her sadness had been indescribable. So achingly painful that she was taking herbs just to see him and pretend to talk to him. She had been so desperate to escape the agony that she begged Alaric to compel how much he meant to her out of her mind.
Elena understood her friend's pain and Bonnie looked like she did do. She moved at almost the same time as Bonnie to sit beside Caroline on the ground and put their arms around her.
Caroline sniffled seeing her friends around her and was reminded of the time Stefan brought Bonnie and Elena to her as his back up after she had been tortured by the werewolf Brady. She had been so grateful to him for that. He knew what she needed way back then already and she could still see the soft smile on his face seeing the girls all supporting each other.