Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ. Be very, very thankful. We'd be seeing a lot more trippeh, dark, mind-rape-y Zelda games if that were the case, with a whole lot more Arbiter's Grounds/ Shadow Temple/ Stone Tower Temple kinds of enemies. I love the undead of Zelda.

This really crappy random poem was inspired at two in the morning after reading The Sharp Machete's oneshots, "Monster" and "Dead End". specifically, the first line of this poem. It's sort of supposed to go like some other real poem that actually has rhymes beyond a second-grade level, but I can't name it for the life of me.

Update: Thanks to lupine-beauty and Foxpilot, I have learned that I got the poem rhythm from the awesome funny poet Shel Silverstein's. I remember a couple of his poems going like the following... I still can't remember the exact names of Silverstein's poems, but (DISCLAIMER!) they aren't mine either.

Other than that, while I was writing this, I pictured Link living together with all these enemies trying to have some semblance of a normal day and failing miserably. So just imagine Link going nutsy-cucoo while trying to keep a House-of-Skulltulla style house (only larger) from falling down with all the undead enemies running, gliding, flying, or crawling all over the place.

If you do not understand some of the rhymes, explanations are below the weird crappy poem. Enjoy it if you can.

There's a Dead Hand in the basement

and some Gibdos on the stairs,

Ghoul Rats in the attic

and a Wallmaster in my hair.

A really annoying Stalfos

just dumped red goo on me,

and now I think a damn Black Boe

just released Dark Link!

Oh great, there's Garos in my bed;

the Master took my seat.

I open my closet to find a ReDead

I think I'm gonna scream!

I hate the stupid Stalkins

that crowd around the rooms

and they don't think I mean them,

but I'm talking to the Stalhounds too!

I wish those dumb Blue Bubbles

would just stop cursing me.

Instead what I could really use

is one freaking real fairy.

GODDESSES DAMN THOSE FLOORMASTERS!

(I just tripped on my face

And just when that annoying Wizrobe guy

Challenged me to a race.)

Excuse me, Captain Keeta,

I'll be back in just one sec;

Igos du Ikana's

singing random shit again.

(Sharp and Flat should really say

he can't carry a tune

but they went to help Dampe

and I know they won't be back soon.)

because—Hell-O! Do you mind?

Gomess, are you really deaf?

I told you to stop killing Bad Bats-

Poe Sisters, get out of my head!

There's a Dead Hand in the basement

Cursed Skulltulas everywhere

But since I'm about to die myself,

I really don't friggin care.

... Wo-o-o-w. Laaaame poem, Nayru. Too bad she doesn't care enough to fix it. (She's too busy fangirling over in the Axis Powers Hetalia section)

Bubbles are sometimes referred to as Anti-Fairies, so that's the deal with that rhyme.

Dead Hand is that weird white six-armed miniboss with chicken-wing stumps for arms at the Bottom of the Well in Ocarina of Time. Gomess and the Master Garo are minibosses in the Stone Tower Temple of Majora's Mask. Wizrobe is a recurring miniboss from same game that runs around randomly and stupidly and annoyingly. Igos Du Ikana is a miniboss of sorts as well. Sharp, Flat, and Dampe are not enemies.

Yes, I know the Poe Sisters don't, or can't, possess you. At least, not Meg (if I got the names right). Does Nayru care? No she does not.

The people affected by the Skulltula curse technically are alive, but, hence the last line of the poem, I don't give a flying shitbag. (By the way, steal the term flying shitbag and get an open one in your face. Bon appetit.)