*Okay, so this is complete and total crack, and I love it. Seriously. I adore this piece, I had so much fun writing it.
**For MissehKeehl's "The Completely Serious Adventures of Super Matt".
***I don't own Death Note, because if I did, Matt wouldn't have died after only like eighteen panels in the manga.
It had arrived deep in the night, on the doorstep of Matt and Mello's room at Wammy's.
Wammy's House was an unusual place to live; there was no doubt about that. After all, in what other residence hall would two boys with names as ill-fitting as Mello and Near live, when Mello was absolutely anything but mellow and Near was naught if not socially detached? Most definitely, Wammy's was a conundrum in itself.
Digression aside, the mysterious package was soon retrieved and brought into the room of the two who would always be second and third best.
The eight year old redhead stared at the package in wonder. His roommate was off wandering the house, probably on a chocolate run, although why Mello needed chocolate at two in the morning was beyond Matt's comprehension. Matt ripped open the packaging, and found himself nearly drooling with delight as he read the instruction pamphlet that lay beside the foreign machine that had rested in the box.
"Hello, there, faithful gamer! For being such a loyal customer of all things Nintendo you have been selected as one of twenty people to be the first to try out the prototype of our new game, Fairy Universe 9000!"
Matt looked up from the booklet for a moment, shaking his head. Fairy Universe 9000? Sounded like some sort of fruity thing that Linda would like, not the usual shoot-em-up-kill-em games Matt liked. Regardless, the small child read on.
"Fairy Universe 9000 is unlike any game ever, and we do mean ever to hit the market! As you've been selected, we would very much appreciate it if you would take the time to play through the game and fill out the survey we've given you."
As much as the idea of being involved with anything fairy-related, Matt decided he would give it a shot. After all, he did worship all things Nintendo. Matt followed the instructions given, slipping the device over his head and picking up the plastic wand that was also in the box. An image popped up in front of him, and Matt waved his hand in front of his face, attempting to find what screen this was being projected upon.
"Matt," a robotic voice could be heard, one so monotonous and dull it reminded Matt of Near, "despite your efforts to find some sort of projection device, you will not find one. This is because this device has attached itself to your brain, and as far as your mind is concerned you are now in the Universe of Fairies."
Matt began groping at his head, trying to pull the device off with his skinny eight-year-old arms, but found himself unable to even drop the plastic wand that was in his right hand.
"Now, now, Matt, please cooperate. Once you finish the game, the overlords will re-grant you complete control of your body." Matt finally quit struggling, and sighed. It seemed as if that was the only way. "Matt, please create your avatar."
What the hell? The avatar had to be female?
Oh well. He'd just make it look exactly like Mello, and then pray to God that he never found out. Not that Matt cared either way, really.
Matt's avatar, named Mellina, met twin sister Maddie on the morning of her tenth birthday.
"Oh my goodness, Mellina!" Maddie's high-pitched voice squeaked, "Today's the day we get our wings! Aren't you excited?!"
Matt, of no free will of his own, proceeded to nod his head and grin cheerily.
"Yeah, Maddie! Let's go see the Fairy Queen!"
Mellina, wand in hand, hooked arms with Maddie and skipped down the brightly colored street of Daffodil Drive, which of course was where she lived. Several fairies with wings waved at the two young girls, and oddly enough not a single one of them was male. As much as this disturbed Matt, he couldn't help but feel that the pink and yellow streets in the Universe of Fairy were strangely… home-like, and Matt found himself slowly growing attached to the game which at first he had been sure he would hate.
The Fairy Queen was jaw-dropping-ly beautiful, and her name was Mary-Sue. As Queen of all of Fairy Land, she was all-knowing, all-powerful, and apparently she could sleep with as many guys as she wanted, considering the numerous male fairies around her.
Matt deduced, with his Wammy House brain, that all the men that had been missing from Daffodil Drive were most definitely here. How he was aware of this he did not know.
"My darling Maddie and Mellina! At last! Today is the day that the two of you shall receive your wings, for it is in fact your tenth birthday!"
Maddie squealed with delight, and Matt did a dance along with Mellina at the thought of getting his wings. The Fairy Queen smiled benevolently upon the two of them.
"Remember, my children, with great power comes great responsibility."
When the hell did fairies start watching Spiderman? Matt shook his head once, and Mellina did the same, garnering a sharp kick from Maddie, to which Matt winced in pain in unison with Mellina.
The Fairy Queen spun on one foot, raising her titanium wand (at least that was what it looked like to Matt), and glittery arts-and-crafts herpes rained from the ceiling, showering Maddie and Mellina, making the latter cough once.
Maddie let out (yet another) squeal of delight as she looked at her pretty pink and white wings, full of intricate swirls. Mellina's wings were purple and black; much darker than Maddie's were, in fact almost the complete opposite.
"Alas, my children! Today is not a day for celebration!" The Queen swooned, hand to her forehead, falling backward only to have one of the male fairies swoop forward and catch her. The two proceeded to make out for the better part of twenty minutes, making Matt want to throw up.
When she finally pulled away and stood upright again she said, "The Great Wizard has unleashed his wrath upon Fairy Land, and only the two of you can stop it!"
Maddie, Mellina, and Matt all gasped in unison.
"W-what? Why us?" Maddie's voice trembled.
"Because one of you, my dears, is…" The Fairy Queen stopped dramatically. "The Chosen One."
Again, Maddie, Mellina, and Matt all gasped in unison.
"One of the two of you is destined to be the heiress of Fairy Land, and it is prophesized that whosoever defeats the Great Wizard will be the ultimate One." Matt recognized a reference to The Matrix, and nearly busted out laughing before Mellina began speaking.
"B-but… Why only one of us?" Matt focused – he was the one who was going to be the heiress of Fairy Land. It had to be him. Never before, in anything had Matt felt such drive…
"Because there can only be one Fairy Princess."
But Matt knew that he was the only one capable of being the Fairy Princess.
"The two of you must work together to defeat the Great Wizard, for one of you alone cannot defeat him. Whichever of you proves to be stronger will be the Fairy Princess. So, my darlings," The Fairy Queen flung an arm out to her side, and a door opened in unison.
All Matt could think was That is one big-ass door.
"Begin your quest. The fate of Fairy Land relies on your shoulders."
Maddie and Mellina looked at each other before nodding determinedly and flying off on their newly acquired pairs of wings.
It was three-thirty A.M. when Mihael Keehl, or Mello, as he was known, walked back into the room he shared with a certain Mail Jeevas. The last thing he expected was what he found.
Matt was nearly to the Great Wizard, on the second-to-top floor of the Grand Tower where the Wizard lived. One more floor, and the final battle would begin. However, Matt was the only one who could see this.
All Mello saw was his best friend, waving a plastic wand at nothing in particular, with some sort of mechanical device attached to his head. It was a wonder, Mello thought, that Matt hadn't woken up the entirety of Wammy's yet, what with his screaming and various battle cries. Hearing Matt scream out what he could only assume were meant to be spells (i.e. "Fire! Stun! Confusion! Oh, shit, confusion's a Pokemon attack!), made the second most intelligent child on earth wonder if maybe the video games had at last gotten to him and he had begun playing them in his sleep.
When Matt screamed, "YES! FINAL LEVEL!", Mello decided he would come back later for fear of what would happen if Matt lost.
Mellina and Maddie pushed open the door, die-hard determination apparent in both their eyes. There could be only one Fairy Princess, the Fairy Queen had said. Both girls would fight their very hardest.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Matt knew that eight-year-olds weren't supposed to use that type of language, but he wasn't the kind of eight-year-old who cared. "WHY IS ROGER THE GREAT WIZARD?!"
Indeed, Matt's elderly 'caretaker' was the Great Wizard who was tormenting Fairy Land. Matt pulled out his wand from his pocket, preparing for a battle of epic proportions, before Maddie did something that could take down even the most hardened, battle-scarred warlock…
She skipped down the floor, flew across the giant chasm separating the two parties, and kissed Roger/Great Wizard on the cheek.
Roger/Great Wizard dissipated into some sort of sandy substance, and Matt and Mellina's jaws dropped while Maddie gave them both an innocent and wholesome smile.
The Fairy Queen congratulated Maddie on her defeat of the Great Wizard, placing a small tiara on her head as half of the male fairies flocked to her. Matt looked on whilst positively green with envy. It wasn't fair that his whore of a sister got to be the Fairy Princess instead of him...
Matt felt himself tear up, and as the game ended and his avatar was cheering for her sister, he ripped the game set off his head and scribbled something very quickly onto the survey, not bothering to check any boxes or anything of that type.
In five to seven business days, the Nintendo company received a message from Wammy's House, where they had sent a prototype of their new game Fairy Universe 9000. The company's management was the group to open the letter, and inside they found a tear-stained paper with a single sentence on it.
I WAS BORN TO BE THE FUCKING FAIRY PRINCESS!