First there was a splendor of light, bright, brilliant and white. Still it was all the other colors at once, every subtle hue, every forgotten shade by the mortal eye. The colors were what still stuck with him in his mind's eye even after years since the experience. Such a precious array that was beyond even his skilled tongue to describe. He imagined in the silence what it would be like to die and to see that light just one last time, knowing that he would never be welcomed to spend eternity inside of it.
Just as the exact description of the light was beyond his grasp so was the memory of the sound. It was that of the most divine symphony, countless unseen musicians with the ability to read the music of your soul chorused around him. It was enthralling even as it was muddled with the hum of white noise. He saw so many faces and truths in those two minutes. His misdeeds, every ounce of wrong that he had ever committed blended with small slivers of charity and humanity. He saw in that brief window that he was in fact damned, people who cause pain could never bathe in that sort of endless pleasure. Two minutes of heaven is enough for no man, it was maddening knowing that perfect peace for such a short fraction of time. He never bored anyone with the details of what he saw but instead kept it as if it were another of his secrets.
Raymond sat and sipped from his glass the ice clinking in his hand as he drained the last precious drops of scotch. Remembering his death was akin to day dreaming for him; it was the only time he had ever been truly content. His mind was hazy and slowed due to the grace of alcohol yet still he could feel the sharp sting of loneliness in his stomach. Long ago he had abandoned his life, his family, and every hope that a human could have and still he lived on.
Part of his ego gnawed at his sorrow and told him that he must have lived for a reason. Perhaps after-all those singing choirs were not offering a home or rest but some sort of redemption. He had done so much wrong in his rather shallow existence. He was but a shadow now but he held the weight of the world as he thought of how he had clumsily affected others' lives.
He knew now that by abandoning his daughter that he did not do the great good deed that he thought that he had. No, she would just be another orphan grown into an adult, distrusting and sad beneath her steely surface. She was much like Elizabeth Keen, she would know the doubt and disharmony of a broken family and that was entirely his doing. She was about the same age as Lizzy had been when her father vanished as well, she would be grown now but Raymond did not dare to trace her down. He was cunning and clever and had seen more than his share of dire situations but facing the little girl he left behind and what became of her was more than he could bare. Just as he would never see heaven he resigned himself to the fact that he would never see her again.
Instead he focused on the future, on how he was going to end the circle of violence that he once helped assist. If he could stop the evil from bubbling to the surface of the world for even a moment than he would consider his life a positive influence on this world. If he could stop every dark thing that crawled out there that he had once helped ripple the surface of humanity then it would be worth the already tedious, watchful glares from the FBI agents he was working with. Thinking of how he had managed to stop four of the people on his list so far brought a sour sort of smirk to his lips. He set his glass on the tray beside him and began pouring more of the amber liquid into his drained glass, watching as the ice swirled close to his lips before he took a long, grateful sip. He would have another name for Elizabeth Keen in the morning but for now he was going to imagine again those two blissful minutes of light from years ago.