I don't know how many times I have walked down this same path. I have no idea how many days I follow this same route to my destinations. The destinations I neither want to attend, nor care about.
Every day, I walk the same route to my everlasting doom and ultimate torture. I see the same students passing me by. I see the same students laughing and talking, like nothing is wrong at all. Oh, how wrong they really are.
I have learned through this hardship that something will always be wrong with out supposedly perfect world. Nothing has ever been, or ever will be, perfect.
Nobody knows this torture like I do.
It is ungodly and painful, everlasting and undying.
It will haunt me until my dying day. I can be sure of that.
The students give me looks as I pass them. Looks like I am not worthy of life. Could they be right? Am I really deserving of life? No, I suppose I am not.
I have caused so much pain and so much suffering. And it was all to the people I cared about most.
I wonder sometimes, was I ever really like the other students? What if life had been just a tad bit different? Would Lily and everyone I have hurt still be alive and well?
Perhaps not…
If I hadn't gotten to them, someone else would have.
But it wouldn't have been me that caused their demise and anguish.
What would have happened if I had never involved myself in this game?
I have learned now that it is not a game you can just pull out of and stop playing like a game of chess.
Once you have joined the game, it is a battle for life.
You cannot quit, you cannot lose, and you cannot win.
Is it really any way to live?