Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, it is the property of Disney and Square Enix.
I recently finished KH3 and I have many strong feelings about it and the series as a whole. I felt the best way to really processing it is to write it down. This idea originally came to me when I played BBS and is something that stayed in the back of my mind for quite a while. KH3 provided me with a way to telling this story while also really exploring these characters and their experiences. I've been out of practice for many years, so I apologize if my writing isn't up to scratch. I do hope that some of you take the time to read it and perhaps provide me with some constructive criticism. The story won't be very long and I can't promise that it'll be updated on a regular basis; whenever inspiration strikes I'll start writing.
For now, I hope you enjoy.
It's an odd thing, the ability to see, to hear, to taste, to smell and to feel. After spending more than a decade without these basic sensations, one can't help but be overwhelmed by the myriad of otherwise benign stimuli that one encounters every day. Deep in the recesses of one's heart, the only sensation is that of strong emotion, of an impact caused by a powerful moment. The moment he saw the red haired girl, my world shook violently, yet it wasn't unpleasant; when he stabbed himself to release his heart(s), there was a strange dullness, a void that prevented any cohesive thought; and when he was finally reunited with the two people he cherished more than anyone else in all the worlds, a flurry of emotions washed over me and I felt elation like never before. Violent tremors, numbness and sheer joy is what I had been experiencing for the many years I was with him, all other sensations I knew so well were seemingly lost to me (a part of me even considered the possibility that I had never experienced them in the first place – one's mind can wander when they have all the time in the world). So it came as a shock to me that the moment I was out, the moment I had been set free from my bastion, the moment I had been separated from the boy who had given me solace, I was still as nimble, strong, and agile as I was long ago. I didn't really think about it at the time, I was just truly grateful that I was able to use my abilities to protect a person so near and dear to my heart (so strange to refer to my heart as mine).
I was free, I was with Aqua and Terra once more, and the one person I had to thank for this was the spiky haired boy with a heart as big as any world I had visited; and thank him I did, with all my heart. I would have prostrated myself before him had I known that that would have only made him feel uncomfortable. He had helped a person that was a part of him, he had helped a friend and he didn't need a thank you, he only needed to know that I was okay.
I miss him dearly.
It's been many weeks since the end of the second Keyblade War. Sora was gone now – not forever, no, but gone just the same. He had promised to return and we all wait anxiously for that day. However, that doesn't mean that we don't worry, that despite the days of playing around, laughing and having fun, we harbor a deep melancholy. The boy who saved us from an abyss of darkness, the boy who brought an end to Xehanort's evil machinations, the boy who connected the hearts of so many was no longer here, and nothing could fill the void that was created by his departure.
Every night I find himself dreaming of him – memories, his memories: the dumb games he played with his two best friends, the moment he met Donald and Goofy (I never mentioned it to him, or anyone, really, but I jokingly refer to this particular trio as 'The Lads'), many of his adventures streamed past my eyes, all the moments – big and small – that made him smile, laugh, cry, everything that made him feel, I saw it all. This, however, also meant that I saw and felt those moments that he'd rather forget. The icy chill that ran down his spine when Riku mocked and belittled him, taking both his Keyblade and friends in Hollow Bastion; the profound longing for Riku and Kairi, not knowing whether the former was even of this world anymore; the sheer terror and grief he felt as he watched Davey Jones stab Will Turner. Sora had experienced a great deal (more than most) but death and loss is something no one truly gets used to, not even someone as extraordinary as him; no especially not him, with a heart as big as his, death would be all the more painful.
I often find myself ruminating on the time I spent with him, and a part of me wishes to go back. I was safe there, safe from any pain or doubt; everything was filtered through him and when it reached me, it was never overwhelming, only the most profound and intense experiences truly reached me deep in his heart. The warmth of his light gave me comfort, made me feel whole, despite my broken heart, I was complete when I was with him. I'm whole now… but I don't feel as if I am.
Ambling through the halls of the castle in the Land of Departure, I wish to feel relieved, to feel overwhelmed with joy, to feel whole again but all I feel is a sense of longing for what was my home for a long time. I tell myself, 'No, Ventus, this is your home! With Aqua and Terra. All three of us are family, we've been separated for so long, all we've wanted is to be together; this is my home.' I don't find myself disagreeing with this, but rather I begin to wonder, do I really want to be home? Or would I rather be in the place I felt the most secure? It's selfish, to want to go back, to leave Aqua and Terra after everything they have been through. I know it is but I can't help feeling this way.
After spending so much time away from them, I found myself gravitating towards them naturally. A primal instinct that sought comfort and affection from them at every turn. We met every day at the dinner table, reminiscing of days long past, chatting and laughing till we're practically wheezing; I truly cherish these moments, these altogether short moments that help us reconnect. But these moments also give me insight into my two friends. I see him retract his hand whenever someone else's gets too close, afraid of being touched, or perhaps afraid of touching us; I see her mumbling something to herself, taking deep breaths, calming herself down or perhaps reassuring herself that everything around her is real. They're hurt, broken, and it will take a great deal of time and love to mend and heal. I, too, am like them: broken and hurt. And I feel the only way for me to be 'fixed' is to give it all up and return back to him.
'And leave them?! Haven't they been alone for too long? Haven't they been through just as much as you, if not more? They deserve – need! – the support and love of a friend. That's what he would do for his friends, and we need to honor him by doing the same.'
'But… when all is said and done, even if they're whole again, will I ever be able to let go of the comfort and safety I felt when I was a part of him? Will I always have to remain broken in order for them to feel whole?'
These thoughts haunt me, day in and day out. I feel selfish and ungrateful, so much was sacrificed to bring me back, and here I am longing for what many would consider to be a prison. I want to talk to them about this, I want to tell them how I feel, I want them to tell me what I should do; should I just soldier on and hope that time will eventually fix me, that one day I'll wake up and feel like an actual person again. Will they understand what I'm even feeling or saying? I don't doubt that they won't do everything they can to help me (It's hard to believe that there was ever a point where I doubted the love they had for me) but what I need, more than anything else, is to feel that the one heart I have is enough.
The clocks chime 12 times, it's midnight and I find myself wide awake. I had spent the day training with Terra and Aqua; Terra taught me a few Keyblade maneuvers that make use of my speed, while Aqua continued to train me in magic, helping me expand my magical arsenal and improve what I already know (I know from his memories that Thundaga is a truly devastating spell that comes in handy when dealing with a large horde). They're both stern teachers but the training is never too rigorous, perhaps they worry for my physical well-being, a young boy who woke after more than a decade of sleep would most likely be very groggy, if not altogether incapable of any kind of movement. Therefore despite a full day of training, I don't feel tired. Maybe that's why I'm sitting in my room, staring at the bookshelf, wondering to myself: despite being home, despite being with the people I've longed to be with for the past decade, I still feel distant, I still feel as if I'm not really here; will I ever really be here, or will I continue to just… float and glide through my days.
A gentle breeze comes through the open window, caressing my face, breaking my train of thought; I'm thankful that it did. I close the window, deciding that it'd be best if I get some sleep, but before I can lay down and tuck myself in, I notice, under the pale moonlight, something scattered on the floor. I chuckle to myself as I realize what it is I'm looking at: the reward given to me by an elderly but amicable duck, the lifetime passes to Disney Town. I chuckle at the sight of them, remembering how excited I was when I received them; visiting the world and taking part in the Dream Festival, all the fun they could have had – can still have!
It just hit me that these are 'lifetime' passes, and we can still go. I don't know why I'm so excited about this, why I'm almost shaking with anticipation. Perhaps the idea of finally fulfilling a decade old wish without anything holding us back is simply too good to pass by. Perhaps this is what I need, a chance to truly reconnect with Terra and Aqua, a day where we can just let loose, have fun and forget everything. Or maybe it can just be a momentary distraction, something to take my mind off Sora. Or perhaps I really want to try some more of Huey, Dewey and Louie's ice cream.
That night, for the first time in the longest time, I found myself dreaming of something under than Sora, of race tracks, ice cream and fruitball; of an extravagant castle in the distance, of a colorful and stunning world, and of all the fun times to be had.
Too bad I couldn't remember any of it once I woke up.