MADEMOISELLE

by Goldie

The lady dropped her hatboxes.

Although they had mended their outlawing ways, Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry were still wanted by the law in 1880s New Mexico. The sight of a local Sheriff walking into their line of vision was enough to cause a certain amount of concern, which culminated in their sudden departure on foot in the opposite direction. Which resulted in their sudden, unexpected direct contact with the lady who had just exited a milliner's shop.

Which is why the lady dropped her hatboxes.

"Mon Dieu!" she cried in a husky voice with a very strong French accent.

The Kid had run into her first and then Heyes ran into him and then the boxes, the hats and Heyes all ended up on the ground. Heyes, with all the hats and the lace and the feathers all over him was a comical sight, and enough, in fact, to make the Kid forget about the Sheriff, who had turned down another street anyhow. The Kid laughed.

The lady and her strong French accent became very animated. She threw her arms up in the air and stomped her feet and demanded, "Where is it you go so fast? You Americans!" Her voice was husky and her accent was delicious and both the Kid and Heyes were captivated by her. She was tall and well-built, and, although she was not the petite type that they usually preferred, there was something delectable about her body that captured their attention. Like a snake, it was in constant movement, lithe and willowy and curvy.

Also, they both noticed that she was incredibly beautiful.

After recovering from her shock, she began to laugh also, pointing at Heyes and throwing back her head and hooting loudly before saying, "You, mon ami, look better in these hats than I! But perhaps that is because I wear only one at a time!"

Heyes turned red and allowed the Kid to help him up. The lady helped him, too, and the three of them tried to rescue the distraught hats as they once again fell to the ground, along with Heyes's.

Heyes and the Kid apologized repeatedly to her as they handed the hats back to their rightful owner. But just before she accepted them, she gracefully straightened her bosom with both hands, a movement absolutely not lost on our heroes. They stopped talking and stared at her, then each other, then her again.

"There!" she said. "All is set right!" She grabbed the cords of the hatboxes but both Heyes and the Kid forgot to let go. She laughed. "So you want to keep my new hats, mes amis?"

This time they both blushed, and allowed her to recapture her property. She finally looked at them in earnest and apparently liked what she saw. "You know," she said thoughtfully, "I believe in America there are the best-looking men in all the world. I see two right now."

They both smiled at her. The Kid tipped his hat. Heyes was going to do the same, but he had to retrieve his hat from the ground and put it on his head first before tipping. "I'm Joshua Smith, ma'am, and this is my friend Thaddeus Jones."

She extended a hand for them to kiss. "I am charmed," she said genuinely and, as in everything she said, with great emotion. She waited for both of them to kiss her hand, then she said simply, "I am Sarah."

They looked at each other, never having faced a woman quite so candid before. "Ma'am?" asked the Kid. "Don't you have a last name? Miss . . . something?"

She laughed. "In America you are so formal. Why is this? My name is Sarah and that is what you shall call me. And I will call you Joshua and you Thaddeus. Yes?"

"Yes!" they both said, smiling broadly.

She handed the hatboxes back to the two of them and said, "And now you two handsome men will – how you say? – accompany me back to my hotel, yes?"

"Yes!" again. Each extended an arm, and she took both, allowing them to walk her to the lobby of her hotel. But only that far.

That evening, the three of them met for dinner in the hotel dining room, as had been arranged during her escort. After seeing her safely back that morning, Heyes and Curry had then gone to their own hotel to participate in an argument that lasted most of the afternoon. As can be expected, it involved Mademoiselle Sarah. It went generally like this:

"What are you planning on doing after supper, Kid, while I escort Sarah around town?"

"I think you're a little mixed up, Heyes. She made it clear that she preferred me."

"How so? By looking at me all the time?"

"No, by pressing her hip against me when we walked."

"She has two hips, Kid, and I got the other."

And so on. Mademoiselle Sarah had flirted lustily with both of them, and they had both taken the bait. They discussed her, in colorful terms, actually, and they discovered that they both found her incredibly attractive. She exuded an animal's basic sensibility that fairly reeked of sexuality. They were both tremendously drawn to her and both found it necessary to cut the other out of the picture.

"You really ought to give it up, Kid. You don't speak French. You don't know as much about languages as I do."

"You don't speak French, either, Heyes, as I recall. And I don't think this is a woman who needs language to be impressed, if you know what I mean."

"What are you planning on impressing her with, Kid, your fast draw?"

"Maybe. Maybe. She's very . . . physical."

"Yeah? Well, there's more than one kind of fast draw. If you know what I mean!"

And so it went for most of the afternoon, their deep fondness for each other temporarily insignificant compared with the prize dangling in front of them. By the time they had dressed for dinner and raced each other to Mademoiselle's hotel, they had reached no decision.

Dinner was, therefore . . . interesting.

Mademoiselle Sarah gushed over them the entire meal. She did this with her voice, the things she said, and with her body, which she swayed and used to tantalize each when she turned to each, respectively. "I am so lucky to be in America and dine with such handsome men!"

Embarrassed, Heyes looked down. "Oh, ma'am . . ."

"Well, one, anyway," said the Kid, extending his hand to her. "Sarah, after dinner I was thinking . . ."

"That's good, Thaddeus," interrupted Heyes. "When did you learn how?" He turned to Sarah. "Ma'am, it's clear that you and I were meant to be together. I would be honored if you would accompany me . . "

The Kid interrupted. "That honor would be all yours, Joshua, not hers. Ma'am, there's a sunset I would like to show you tonight. The sunsets in the West are the prettiest you'll ever see. I'll rent a little buggy and we can . . ."

" . . . both barely fit in there. Come with me, ma'am, and I'll rent a real . . ."

She laughed heartily and placed a hand strategically in both of their laps, a gesture well-calculated to cause both of them to inhale and stop talking . "Cherie! Cherie! You are both most amusing! But I have surprise for you – both of you! I have ticket here for you, and for you, and you are to be my guests at the theater tomorrow evening!"

The Kid looked at his ticket, disappointed. "Theater? All three of us? At a play?"

"Yes, a play, Thaddeus," said Heyes, not missing a cue. "My friend doesn't get out much. He wouldn't appreciate the finer points of a play. Better to send him on his way . . ."

Now the Kid started to get angry. "Really, Joshua? Exactly how much do you know about plays? How many have you seen?"

Heyes hadn't actually seen many plays, but he was not about to divulge this information. "I've read a lot of plays, and I've heard of some famous actors . . ."

"Oh? Like what? Like who?" snapped the Kid.

Heyes thought quickly. "Like Oscar Wilde . . . and Victor Hugo . . . and Sarah Bernhardt . . . and George Sand . . . and Voltaire . . . and Charles and Rose Coghlan!"

Exasperated, the Kid said, "Joshua, you haven't actually . . ."

But Mademoiselle was delighted and clapped her hands each time another name was mentioned. "Mon Dieu! You are such good man! I love the theater! You will, too! You will come to play, yes?"

"Ohhhhhh, yes, I will come to play." Heyes's response sizzled like grease in a hot pan.

Mademoiselle turned to the Kid. "And you?" she asked in a tone that implied that her heart would be broken if he refused.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," answered the Kid, looking at Heyes.

They both walked Mademoiselle Sarah back to her hotel, lingering outside her door and hoping for the best. She lustily kissed both of them on the check before entering her room, alone. "You will have sweet dreams, no?" she asked in all honesty, before closing the doors on them. Each move seemed calculated to produce sensations of desire, and each move had its effect.

"Oooohhhh, yes," whispered Heyes to the closed door.

A short time later found them sitting at a table in a saloon, nursing a bottle of whiskey and waiting for a poker game to open.

"Let's flip a coin," said Heyes, producing a not-entirely-legit coin.

"No!" said the Kid.

Heyes shrugged. "It's the only fair way."

"No, it's not, Heyes. The only fair way is for me to shoot you right now."

Heyes feigned surprise. "Partner!"

The Kid was disgusted. "Partner? I know that two-headed coin. With partners like that . . . "

"I'm telling you right now, Kid, you are not going to be the one to escort her home after the play." Now Heyes meant business. The Kid could tell because he was hissing.

But the Kid meant business, too. "That is a lot of woman, a one-man woman. And I'm the man for her. A lot of man!"

"A lot of man, huh? You think so? She's not that kind of woman. You think that's all she thinks about – manhood?"

"Yes!"

Heyes thought about that for a minute. He had to admit the Kid was right. He angrily took a drink of the whiskey. Not to be outdone, so did the Kid.

"All right, how about this, Kid? I'm in love with her! How about that?"

"Ha! You're in love with her about as much as I am! Face it, Heyes, you're in lust with her. That's all."

Another drink.

Heyes glared at the Kid. Then: "She'll kill you, Kid. She's too much woman."

The Kid held his whiskey glass up to the light. "I don't mind dying that way."

"I'd hate to see you get hurt. I'm willing to take her off your hands."

"I'd hate to see you get hurt. If you catch my meaning."

Heyes felt his potential conquest slipping away from him. But he was a schemer. And he always had some kind of ace up his sleeves. He thought about it for a minute while they glared at each other. Somehow he had to keep the Kid away from Mademoiselle Sarah so he could go in for the kill. But the Kid knew him very well and was therefore difficult to outfox. The beauty of it all was that the Kid was basically honest, not a schemer at all. Any kind of scheme would probably be sufficient to outsmart him, because he wouldn't be expecting it. He would be expecting to play the game on common ground.

Heyes realized the Kid was scowling at him. He poured himself another drink and studied the glass intently for a minute. He swirled the liquid around and then . . . and then . . .

He had it!

"All right, Kid, I give up." Innocence personified.

Suspicion personified, the Kid replied, "You what?"

"I give up. You're right. I see that now. I see the kind of woman she is and I see what it is that she wants, and I have to admit that I'm not interested any more. You're the man she needs. She's all yours if you still want her." Heyes thought he had put too many "I's" in there for it to be believable, but when he looked to the Kid, his partner had melted.

"Really?" said the Kid happily. "You really see that?"

"Yes, Kid, I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I acquiesce."

Now the Kid was suspicious again. "You what?"

"I give up! She's yours. She's all yours." Heyes raised his glass and clinked it against the Kid's.

"Ho ho! " The Kid was quite excited. He had won. He had won the beautiful Mademoiselle Sarah. And, better yet, he had won her away from Hannibal Heyes. He downed his whiskey in one swallow. He did not suspect a trick. The Kid poured them both another drink. "Then here's to you, Heyes, and your big heart." And he drank that one down in one swallow, too. And after pouring another, "And here's to me, and my big . . . heart!"

Heyes took his whiskey glass and pretended to drink, but when the Kid wasn't looking, he emptied it on the floor. This was, you see, his plan – to get the Kid as drunk as possible so he would be non-functional the next day.

And the plan worked like clockwork. They went through that entire bottle of whiskey, the two of them, (or rather, the one of them), and started on another. Heyes took a sip whenever he could not escape the watch of his partner, but for the most part, most of his whiskey found its way under the table. At one point, just as he was emptying the glass on the floor, someone walked by and nudged his arm, causing him to throw the liquid onto the Kid's leg. But by this time, the Kid was so soused that he didn't notice much of anything that was going on.

They laughed and hooted and had a wonderful time that night, one of them totally drunk and the other pretending to be. They enjoyed each other's company the entire evening, and when the saloon closed, Heyes, by that time completely sober, had to maneuver the Kid back to their hotel room and put him to bed. He removed his friend's boots and hat and gunbelt and flopped him down on the bed, covering him with a blanket. Instantly, the Kid was asleep and snoring.

Heyes sat on the other bed and watched the Kid for a while since he was feeling remorse at his plan to betray his best friend. He was glad that he had enjoyed their evening together because he suspected it would be a while before they enjoyed any time together again. He knew how the Kid could hold a grudge and he wasn't looking forward to it. But Mademoiselle Sarah just might make it all worthwhile.

In the morning, Heyes rose and readied himself for his big day. He made no particular effort to be quiet for he knew the Kid would sleep for many hours. He did, however, pay close attention to his looks, choosing all clean clothing and making sure his hair was combed and his hat was brushed. On his way out, he made sure to remove all the bullets from the Kid's gun and gunbelt. Just in case.

He walked to Mademoiselle Sarah's hotel, intending to invite her to breakfast and then to spend the rest of the day with him, but as he glanced in the dining room, he saw she was already sitting at a large table with a number of people, including the local sheriff! Some of them had apparently finished eating and were preparing to leave, so, sheriff or no sheriff, Heyes emboldened himself and walked over to her.

"Good morning, Mademoiselle Sarah," he said, removing his hat and bowing.

"Oh!" she gushed. "What nice surprise! You come to say good morning to Sarah!"

"Yes, ma'am." He indicated a chair being vacated by a short, middle-aged man. "Mind if I sit down?"

"Oui, Joshua, please join us! Everyone, this is Joshua!"

All the people who still remained nodded or said hello. The sheriff extended his hand and introduced the mayor. The rest of the group had French accents, Heyes noticed. There were men and women of all ages in her group. He was surprised as he had assumed she had been travelling alone.

Mademoiselle put her arm around Heyes, which thrilled him. "Joshua is man who supplied me with hats!" she said, laughing. Everyone else laughed, too, even Heyes, who didn't understand why it was funny.

One of the men who had just finished eating stood and shook Heyes's hand. "Good man," he said. "With hats from America, Sarah is more beautiful than ever."

Heyes smiled sheepishly.

Now Sarah put her arm around the man, a handsome gentleman about her own age. "This is Aristides," she said proudly. "He is my husband."

Then she lustily kissed him! Everyone at the table applauded.

Except Heyes.

It was several hours later before Heyes was able to enter his hotel room and look the Kid in the eye. As it happened, the Kid was just waking up. Heyes sat wearily across from him and watched his partner.

The Kid rubbed his hair and his eyes and groaned. "What time is it anyway? How much did we have to drink last night? I can't even remember . . . very much."

"Kid . . ."

"Oh, yeah, now I remember." He jumped up suddenly, very happy. Then he groaned and held his head. "Don't think I'll have any quick moves for a while. Doesn't matter. I have to clean up for Sarah."

"Kid . . ."

The Kid glanced at the clock on their mantel and began to move as quickly as his wearied body would allow him. "I meant to spend the day with Sarah," he said. "Why did you let me sleep so late? By the way, Heyes," he turned to his partner and shook his hand. "I want to thank you for taking this so well. You're being a good man about this."

"Sure," said Heyes absently. "I'm a good man."

"I don't know what changed your mind about her, but I'm going to make sure I do something about it right away before you change it back." The Kid was very excited and dressed quickly. "I'm going over to her hotel right now and collect her. I'll take her for a ride and then we'll have supper and then I'll take her to that Godforsaken play she wants to see. What's the name of it, anyway?"

"Kid . . ."

"I'm glad you think our friendship is more important than fighting over a woman, Heyes, because otherwise I'd've had to kill you!" The Kid laughed as he put his shirt on.

"Oh! Here are your bullets," said Heyes, suddenly remembering and pulling them from his pocket. The Kid looked blank as he handed them to him. "I was going to play a trick on you, Kid. I got you drunk last night intentionally so you'd sleep through the day and I could romance Mademoiselle Sarah all day and win her away from you."

The Kid looked at the bullets in his hands and then gaped at his partner. "What are you talking about?"

Heyes said it again, louder. "I was going to play a trick . . ."

"I heard you, Heyes. I just don't believe it."

"All's fair in love and war. You know that."

The Kid stopped dressing and laid the bullets on the dresser. He sat on the bed. After a moment, he said, "So what happened?"

"I didn't do it."

"I gathered that. Maybe you're a better man than you look like you feel you are."

"No, I'm not." Heyes was miserable. He wasn't sure what to say next.

The Kid waited a moment, then jumped up and began dressing again. "Well, anyhow, that still leaves the field wide open for me. I just have a little headache is all."

"No, Kid. She's . . . married!"

The Kid turned to look at him in complete surprise. "You're joking!" he said quietly. When he saw the dejected look on his partner's face, he realized that it was true. "Oh . . . my . . . God." He saw down heavily also. "How can this be? How could she flirt with us like that if she was married? Where's her husband, anyway?"

"He's in town with her. His name is Aristotle, or something like that. She's travelling with a lot of other French people." Heyes shook his head. "I just don't know, Kid, I just don't know. I fell for her just like you did. I thought she was flirting with us, too. Where could we have gone so wrong? I've been thinking about it all day."

They both re-lived their moments with her in their minds. "I know for sure," said the Kid, "that she pushed her hips into mine as we walked."

"She did that to me, too. I suppose that's just the way she walks."

"And she pouts with those red lips of hers. And she compliments us all the time . . ."

"The only thing I can come up with is that she's a natural flirt."

"And she was willing to come between us, Heyes!" Now the Kid was getting mad.

His change in attitude caused the same change in Heyes. "You know, you're right. She was! There's a word for that – hussy. We can't let her get away with that."

"Yes, we can. Right now I don't ever want to see her again."

"I have a better idea!" Heyes grabbed the Kid's arm. "Let's play a little trick on her!"

This piqued the Kid's interest. "A trick? What did you have in mind?"

Heyes thought quickly. "I don't know. Something that will make her think next time she tries something like this with a man from the West."

"I don't really want to see her again."

Heyes was thinking very quickly now. "One more time, Kid, one more time. Let's find those tickets she gave us for the play tonight and meet her there. Let's each sit on either side of her."

"I don't want to go to any play. Besides, her husband will probably be sitting nearby."

"So much the better! Don't worry about the play, Kid, you won't have to watch it. We'll leave before it even starts! As soon as she sits down, we'll both start making love to her at the same time."

This was starting to sound good to the Kid. "How so?"

"Anything! Kiss her, hold her hand, pledge our undying love, propose, that sort of thing. Then we pretend to get angry at each other, and then we challenge each other to a duel. We take it outside and then we ride away and Mademoiselle Sarah will be left inside thinking we're killing each other over her!"

"Heyes, that's brilliant!"

"And she deserves no less after the way she's treated us. It'll ruin the play for her, too." Heyes was being smug. He was very excited about the idea he just thought up.

The Kid patted him on the back. "Embarrass the hell out of her! Let's do it!"

"Let's do it all right! And never let a woman come between us again!"

"Right!"

"Right! The Two Musketeers!"

"Huh?"

A few minutes before the curtain was about to go up, Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry arrived at the theater. They were dressed nicely and each was wearing his gunbelt. It was almost curtain time and the theater appeared to be full! It looked like everyone in town was there and maybe some people from other towns, too.

"There's no room for us, Heyes," said the Kid.

"Of course there is. Let's just look at the ticket." He pulled out his ticket and noted that his seat number put him in the first row. Same with the Kid. "All right, let's go."

Heyes led them down the center aisle toward the front of the theater. They were amazed at how many people were in the audience. Heyes had never seen a crowd this big for a silly thing like a play before.

When they reached the front row, they noticed two empty seats next to each other corresponding to their ticket numbers. They sat down. Heyes looked around. Some of the people in the front row were a couple of the French people Sarah had been dining with that morning. Further down the row was Aristides. Several people acknowledged Heyes, including Aristides. Heyes smiled sheepishly. "That's the husband," he said, turning to the Kid.

But Sarah was not among the seats! And, worse yet, there were no more empty seats! "Where's Mademoiselle Sarah?" Heyes asked the person next to him, but she did not speak English. The Kid nudged the person on the other side of him – the sheriff! - and asked, "Where's Mademoiselle Sarah?" He was told, "It won't be long now."

They looked at each other. Heyes shrugged.

In a minute a man stepped on stage in front of the curtain. He was apparently the emcee. He held up his hands for the audience to be quiet and was rewarded with their attention. Everyone became so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Heyes and Curry found themselves interested in spite of themselves.

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the emcee with a huge smile. "It is my very great - very great – pleasure to introduce to you the greatest actress the world has ever known. Here on our stage, right here on this very stage! Ladies and gentlemen," he continued, pointing to the left of the stage, "MISS SARAH BERNHARDT !"

And out came Mademoiselle Sarah.

The audience went crazy. They cheered and screamed and clapped wildly. Some stomped their feet. It was clear that every single person there was well aware of who Sarah Bernhardt was and that they thoroughly appreciated her. Heyes and the Kid very much wanted to look at each other, but each was too embarrassed to look anywhere but at Mademoiselle. They soon realized that they weren't applauding and rectified it half-heartedly.

Sarah Bernhardt, who probably was indeed the greatest actress the world had ever known, smiled lustily at her audience and bowed graciously. She clearly loved the adulation and allowed it to linger for a while, then smoothed the air with her hands to indicate she desired the audience to calm down. In a moment, she spoke.

"You are kind. You Americans are kind to Sarah. I give you play tonight you will never forget. You will speak for years about Sarah Bernhardt. Before play begins, I want to say a thank you to two Americans who make me especially feel welcome."

Heyes saw where this was going and wildly whispered, "No! No!"

Sarah saw that and smiled at him. She pointed to Heyes and the Kid. "I see them here in front row. Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones. They try very hard to make Sarah feel welcome in America. They try everything they can think of!"

Some of the audience started laughing. Heyes and the Kid both slunk down in their seats. Sarah winked at them. "Don't think I don't appreciate that kind of welcome!" Now the audience was laughing loudly. Sarah put her finger to her mouth and said, "Smith and Jones. Hmmmm. These are names that are hiding something, yes, gentlemen?"

Heyes glanced at the sheriff and realized they were suddenly being scrutinized. Both Heyes and the Kid smiled sheepishly and made themselves as small as possible. Once Sarah had launched into her one-woman show of Shakespearean soliloquies, they found an opportunity to slink out of the row and down the aisle and out of the theater.

Looking up and down the deserted street for lawmen, they ran to the stable and retrieved their horses, riding out of town at full speed. After they had gone a few miles, they felt safe and slowed down.

They rode for quite a while before speaking. The Kid was the first to break the silence. "You know, Heyes, next time you want to save me from a whole lot of woman, I'm going to let you."

"Next time, yeah." Heyes was still a little bit in shock.

The Kid suddenly thought of something. "I thought you mentioned Sarah Bernhardt's name as one of those actors you knew. I thought you knew who she was."

"Yeah, I've heard of her, all right. Everyone's heard of Sarah Bernhardt. I just never saw her before." It was painful to have to admit. "Sure did like her, though. Too bad she's married."

"Yeah, she was first-rate, all right." They rode a few more minutes in silence, each remembering Sarah's lusty qualities. "Heyes?"

"Mmmmm?"

"How much do you know about those other actors you mentioned?"

"Like what?"

"How sexy do you think that Voltaire lady is?"

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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